Polyamory!

[Dtergent]

I don't know. I guess I'm in the middle on this one. While polyamory would definitely be a more common occurrence without existing relationship norms, I feel like some of my polyamorous friends thoroughly overthink relations, and it becomes almost an ideology. Love and relationships are certainly difficult areas to have ideologies in.

I've been in the same relationship for more than a decade, and I can see that my partner is definitely a monogamous elephant of a guy, and I probably tend to be more of the "polyamorous persusasion". However, it's no big deal for me to avoid having relationships with other people, because I don't want to screw it up with this guy. It's not like I chain myself to the bed at night to stop myself from jumping or spending time with other people. I suppose it's like not wearing some kind of perfume that makes your SO get massive allergies. I would definitely "fight for my rights" if I was with someone who I loved less, but in this case, it's no big deal.

I accept that the ego plays a big role in limiting other partners, as it does in all parts of our lives. But what people say is "natural to human beings" is irrelevant in this area, for me. It's like vegetarians arguing on the basis of teeth type. It drives me up the wall, really.

Many layers of culture and societal norming have been lain on top. For instance, I'm sure there are economic and health (disease) reasons for societies favoring monogamy and such, and they are translated into rules and more rigid social expectations. Furthermore, I believe that possibly, it just allows (especially in contexts where there is a lot of physical work and etc. involved in maintaining a household) for people to take better care of each other rather than spread their efforts over several.

It calls to mind the statement in the Orchid Thief: “There are too many ideas and things and people. Too many directions to go. I was starting believe the reason it matters to care about something is that it whittles the world down to a more manageable size.”

Again, I believe polyamory is an option. I don't think there is a right or wrong, it's a choice that a person makes for themselves, and then that a couple makes together. What matters is their common choice is compatible.

 

[doofqueen]

I've dabbled in this idea for years. Have had long term commited relationships, one night stands, fuck buddies (some sexual based, some friendship, some both) have had threesomes with partners etc

I think i might be ready to do this with the man i'm currently dating. Wanted to bump the thread to see if there new thoughts?

I like the idea of having intimate, bonding, open, honest passinate connections with more than one partner that are free and respectful. We have always talked that we are openly dating each other but so far havnt slept with anyone else but its getting close to testing the waters now.

 

[lost_]

I've thought since my teens that posessing someone(as I see monogamy) is somewhat contradictory to my own definition of love and relationship
but since I also have serious social anxieties it took a long time for me to actually feeling ready to live in a poly relationship.
Reading through some poly guides(you can find them all over the interwebs) has helped me alot in the beginning.

It takes a lot of trust and you really have to communicate about your feelings. I had quite some trouble at the beginning but every time that I've overcome my insecurities that led to jealousy
brought me close to my partner. This is again and again one of the rewarding things in my life since we started our poly-journey (we had been in a monog relationship for ~1 year before but that didn't work out for various reasons, living together somewhat multiplied our differencies) We talk about our other partners and relationships regularly so no one gets the feeling that there is something that could be a danger for the relationship. Nurture your trust and make each other feel secure!

Some advice that I have to those that are uncertain about the whole thing:
Check your motives. If you are looking for validation from others in your relationships or your sexual contacts, more won't give you what you want. You have to find it in yourself.
If you are clear about your motives, I think everything goes.. personally I'm looking mostly for sex with other people while my partner is looking for love and an emotional bond with more people,
as long as everyone feels good with it, just go for it.

Neither will polyamory fix an relationship that suffers from different expectations and/or poor communication.
If you have the feeling that poly could be for you, with the right partner(s) it probably is. And in my experience, it can really help you to get to know yourself better.