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Please help me tell myself, why should I quit Oxy??

V

Voltatab

Greenlighter
Joined
Nov 28, 2012
Messages
9
Hello everyone, or anyone who is kind enough to take some time to read my posting. If your curious what my post is about but would rather skip my "life story" below lol, just skip to the last paragraph which sums up my main cry for helps day the reason I posted. Thank you again everyone!!!

Sorry For the length of this post, I know it's long but if anyone can relate to this or has answers or advice I am all ears, PLEASE AND THANK YOU IN ADVANCE, as IM ASKING FOR SOMEONES HELP!!) and again thank you so much for reading this,

in short I'm an addict who has wanted to quit abusing opiates, but have no "rock bottom" really that I feel like I've ever hit really, no real memory or reason to talk me out of using again because I don't have that story of losing everything, or being hospitalized etc. I was hoping for someone maybe to tell me what I can expect to happen to me one day if I keep up my bad behaviors, or how does an episode of liver or kidney or heart failure happen to someone abusing Oxy at the levels I was abusing, something to help me stay off the drugs once I am clean again.
Now because I haven't suffered from the loss many of you have, ( and please I hope I am not coming off as sounding snobby or superior or anything, I know that I am very very lucky so far, and I don't want to have the worst happened to me, but I don't know what to do) that same loss that has helped you remind yourself as to why you guys are quitting and to get your lives back on track...I don't have anything really bad that's happened that keeps me away.
My name is dan. I am 33 years old and own my own small construction company. I'm fairly fortunate enough to be what feels like a healthy person (excluding my addiction and I'm sure my organs aren't as healthy as I may think) but I suffer from no real physical pain, never had major surgeries, no mental health issues that I know of, my company is doing fairly well, I make pretty good money (enough to pay for a $400-$500 a day Oxy habit towards the last 6 months of my abuse at its worst) I don't have any real bad problems with my family, my relationships with my girlfriend, to friends and family are all relatively good. work is doing pretty well all things considered and am able to save money for retirement.

I have come clean a few years ago and broke down crying like a baby to my friends and family about my addiction to opiates, but because I'm a well functioning addict that sort of unfortunately, makes enough money to pay for as much as I want, no one really cared or just didn't really take it all that seriously. Hell I've even had my brother offer me a norco a year after telling him my addiction. (I turned down his offer, not because I had the will power, but because 1 nor I wouldn't have done anything to get me high, if fact his whole 30 pill script wouldn't have put a dent in my horrible Oxy habit)

. It started With Vicodin from a doctor for a rib Injury, but really it was cause I knew this was a doc with a loose pad and gave out drugs like candy. and it quickly escalated and ended with me buying 30 mg Oxy oills, morphing or even smoking fentynol patches off the street from multiple dealers. I never crossed over to heroin or needles though thank god.

I guess my problem here is that I think I am what you would call a highly functioning addict. When I came out to friends and family they were supportive of me but never mentioned it again to me because I guess on the surface everything seems to be ok with me. Girlfriend, friends, family, good job. All there. Deep down my depression and anxiety make me feels like I'm hanging on by a thread, and that's what makes me go back to the drug time and time again. Cause I feel like I deserve a good time to party, just one weekend I say, not enough to go back thru hell of wds, but a small dosage way low to see where my tolerance is at now.... Of course then I keep going as an addict does and relapse.

I have had some scares and some pretty irresponsible behaviors while abusing of course, some memory loss, and a LOT of money wasted. But nothing compared to so so so many of the stories I've read here. The stories I read on this site can break my heart, I sometimes cry when reading the stories on here of struggle and can empathize as I have been struggling to stay clean for 3 years now. To be quite honest, this website and the support and stories and listing are what many times keep me going sober in the past. I like knowing others know the hell and depression of wds. But like most know. The posi so is barely half the battle. For me it's the long game that I can't get past. The mental sadness and anxiety, the paws that hit you for months down the road, and the feeling that my motivation to thrive at work or keep my relationships truly healthy aren't there. My passion and motivation are gone. While deep down I know that continuing that path of sobriety is the answer to get it all back, I keep relapsing after a month or 2 or 3 cause that times feels like a lifetime and I always tell myself that I can do just one day and won't into wds again, "I'll be safe about it, but I just want that feeling of motivation and deep eauphoria even if just for one weekend, then I'll continue in the path"

while I know I am very lucky to have not had any bad complications or deep loss or deaths in my circle, I know I need help, or my luck may run out and am struggling to find answers. I went to a meeting but couldn't keep going I just could feel a connection with the members. I met with a counselor but again couldn't feel a connection or safe talking with them. It just didn't seem like I was talking with someone who truly understood my Symptoms like that way people on here seem to. If your wondering why I am posting, its because of that. I can't find the reason why not to pop a pill after 21 days of sobriety (today) and am not starting at a bottle of 40, 30 mg Oxy. that's right, I reached out to an old dealer and bought again. I've been starting at the kills for a few hours and think I'll just take one or two every hour till I know where my tolerance is at now, have a fun couple days over thanksgiving holiday, and I'll give the rest to a friend for safe keeping. BUT THIS CANT BE THE WAY! I'm not getting truly sober I'm just holding out is all, right???? Fuck!!

The truth is at my worst I was taking 10-12, 30mg blue little oxy pills in the morning, followed by the same dosage at lunch and again at dinner. That's correct. I was taking about 30-35 of the 30mg Oxy pills a day. I worked my way up to that, that amount was only for about 4-6 mo, and washed it all down with Xanax and whiskey, maybe an ambien and a muscle relaxer so I could "black out" and go to sleep.

What helped me stop taking the pills quite frankly was that I was running out of money to pay for this, and the posts I'd read on here about people losing everything and starting over sort of "scared me straight" every time I quit I go cold turkey, kind of my way of telling myself that this is what I deserve for being so irresponsible with my addiction....

but I must be a gluten for punishment because I manage to bear through the physical withdrawals, which for me seemed like absolute hell on earth, during which I would still have to run my company,(answer phones, schedule jobs for my techs, keep them on track, jump on jobs if they were falling behind etc etc) but I did so as much as possible and often from home on my bed in a sweaty shakey anxiety riddled ball if I could and didn't need to leave the house, with cold sweats and the worst of all the wds that you all know of. I even told my employees my addiction but since they didn't see any bounced checks or diminish in work quality they all just let me be, and again one of them even asked me months later if I knew where to get pain meds for their secre "back" problems. (I ended up calling my old dealer for pills, and started taking again, all the while I told the tech I couldn't help him, even made them all sign a drug free work policy w the possibility of random drug testing.... How embarrassingly hypocritical of me!)

Usually the physical parts has taken at least a couple weeks to about a month before I felt physically ok, but the anxiety and the depression would hit me so hard that id cry and cry and cry all day long and have to remind myself that it was just a symptom of withdrawals, nothing more. My severe depression and anxiety would make me doubt my job, my relationship to my friends, family, where I lived- everything. But once I made it thru that hell hole and finally start to see a glimmer of happiness and feeling like my old self again I'd tell my self I deserve a treat! Just one Sunday abusing or just a weekend bender....which always led to me abusing for a few months and then going through wds AGAIN.
I guess looking back I've never truly gotten out of the wd phase cause PAWS were still coming and going, and last just so damn long. I think that's what ultimately convinces me everytime to re abuse and start the cycle again. I'd say to my self "I've made it thru the physical part before I'll do it again" and to be honest, that first time was ABSOLUTE HELL, none have ever been that bad as I don't let my ha it get back up that high again and it never lasts more than a month or 2. But enough to get me hooked.
Really the only thing that has made me stop over and over again is that I don't quite make the money used to and it's quite embarrassing when I added up all the cash I wasted.

I'm sorry for this endless rant, maybe I just needed to vent my story was all, even if no one reads it, or posts advice, thank you for letting me post.

I guess to sum up, I'm a highly functioning Oxy addict and can't seem to find reasons or scares or close calls to remind myself to stay clean cause I've had no real issues with the drug so far, even at a very stupidly high dosages. Just mainly a lot of money wasted....which in the end doesn't seem to bother me all that much. What is wrong with me and why can't I stop?? Does anyone have something they could tell me about how an overdose episode happens, or a hospital trip could happen, or maybe something good to forward to if I stay the course? And skip the "fun" weekend... It sounds so so stupid but please help me tell myself a reason why I shouldn't relapse, considering I've never had a real problem in the past?
Thank you again for allowing me to post, my apologies if this post offended or came off as extremely naïve or ignorant, feel free to blast away and be as harsh as you like, I think I might need some tough love or advice or your story shared w me right now please!!!
 
To be honest, even if you had close calls, big scares etc... that wouldn't make it any easier to quit. I have always been a bit of a hypochondriac... yet I nearly died from injecting too much meth and was hospitalized.. when I got out within an hour I shot up again... the reason to quit the drug is because it isn't worth what it's doing to your life. Do you want to rely on a pill for happiness? Do you want to destroy your liver and body? Do you want to become more and more dependent on something that will surely enslave you and eventually cause withdrawals that will bring you to your knees in the most agonizing pain and misery you can imagine? If not, then you're on the right track. If it is all worth it to you, then nothing anyone on here can say will stop you.

If you truly want to quit for good, I'd suggest seeing a good psychologist and psychiatrist that can help you move in a better direction. But remember, you must take their advice as long as it is sound advice and you must do exactly what they tell you to do... Most people don't do what their therapists tell them to do, then bitch about how therapy didn't help. It will help if you want it to. If you go and ignore everything they say or only take the parts that are "easy" or convenient... then you'd might as well just save the money.

Hope this helps~
 
Thanks! I've actually have used it in the past to help get through the wds, it's the mental part after that I struggle with. Telling and convincing myself not to use again

X i'll check and follow up with that link you sent me though, most appreciated buddy!
 
What youre describing is shared by many many addicts. Lots of junkies for a long time (or ever) havent the financial factor to contend with regards to their addiction. Which is often a major if not the reason for hitting the rock bottom. Why quit then?

IMO it starts with simply the dosage. Im not even going to debate the weekend thing, forget about that, you wont keep it up. Its either addiction full on or nothing. So up and up it goes and the euphoria goes down and down. Oxy IMO is especially sh+tty when it comes to this, because the high quickly becomes almost nonexistant. Also then take into consideration the toll it takes on your body eventually(ingesting all those pills accumulated over time takes a big toll on your kidneys) and how with each ingested pill your path back to normal balanced brain chemistry becomes longer and longer until it becomes questionable whether you will ever return. So in a few years youll be taking 200mg to just be normal but still feel kinda shitty all the time. And dont forget youll start waking in the middle of the night because it wont hold you over to the morning anymore. Youll become more and more grumpy, isolate yourself more, find less and less fun in activities you used to do with friends, relationships with everyone more and more strained and just regress in all aspects of life. Youll feel guilty when interacting with (your)kids and loved ones because your emotions will be "kinda" there but not really and not sure what youre really feeling anymore because youll be numb to a high degree most of the time. Feel sorry for yourself, start losing motivation that oxy used to give you and the reason that actually drew you to it will turn against you. Also eventually the money factor introduces itself in your life unless youre a millionaire.

If you then start thinking about H, its all down hill from there. Its far from harmless physically, not counting addiction. Perhaps it might be if uncut and normal controled doses but from the street? Nah. If youre snorting your sinuses will suffer, you mucal membranes will suffer, your lymph nodes will suffer and youll eventually develop tumors(seen it many times and it might take 10years to start making problems when it might already be too late) on them and your liver/kidneys, your nose will probably never go back to normal. If you inject, well it obvious. Ruined veins, much much more dangerous injecting cr+p, and all in all a quick path to the classical junky existance. Smoking? Lungs suffer, whon knows what youre smoking besides dope, danger of cancer because of it and quickly youll give it up and go to either snorting or injecting cause there is nothing more wastefull than smoking.
In the end, money is not that big of a factor. Opiates takes you so far from normal balanced life in a such a tricky subtle way that its incredible until youre knees deep in sh+t even if it takes years.IMO the depression is the worst. And the longer you keep it up the worst and longer it will be. You can combat it with a good doctor and advice, prescribing you Zoloft or sth like that to get back to your old self. But the sooner you realize that living life through dope is perhaps a transparent comfy haze at first but sooner or later realize youre missing so much of the energy, emotions, that feeling of living that is not aritifical. Difficult to explain to someone whos only beginning with opiates but I think youre seeing the bigger (at least partically) picture and Im telling you it only gets darker and much worse from here on until you lose everything.
Take car man
 
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Pregbalin should help to repair your receptors. But this is a chemical too.
I would take the plant St. John's Wort. But be carefull it is an mao inhibitors.
But this can take up to two weeks, before you notice that something changes. Also Valerian Root and Passionflower could help, which is only a guess.
 
Thank you, I appreciate your responses back. What your both saying makes a lot of sense. I guess it's good to hear someone understand, but in the end, i have to make the choice and I don't want to have had to lose everything to see the light first.
I'm going to take the advice of trying to find a good therapist or psychologist (not exactly sure the diff?) because while I can admit I have a problem, my weaker side of me seems to still be able to win the battle after a month or 2 of being clean from just willpower. But it runs out.

So then I have 1 question about finding a good doctor....is the only way to find the right one by just going to a new one every time till you feel you relate best to one?

Are there search categories or something that pop up on websites? Certain places to get a description of the type of doc or a brief explanation of they type of methods they like to use? Are there therapists who specialize in drug addiction or is that just a part of their knowledge? Sorry if that sounds a little dumb but I've only ever been to one and it was from a recommdation of a friend. I never went back because we didn't connect and they just seemed so different from me, I felt I was being patronized the whole time, although I'm sure that wasn't her intention. And I'm a little off the grid when it comes to computer searching and what's out there. So a tip or two would be so held up I'd be forever in your debt!

i only ask like because as camjua said l, I've gotta listen to everything they say and do it, don't pick and chose the instructions and then bitch later how it doesn't work.....I agree 100% but i know myself, I can be a pretty skeptical of a lot of self improvement methods despite wanting to get better.
I guess part of the reason I posted is because when I'm not afraid of my addiction, because so far nothing too terrible has happened yet, it's tough to make myself do what a therapist says to do if it's a little... kooky, for lack of a better word.
So, any tips on how to pick a psychologist or therapist, would be amazing, cause it sounds like they are going to be the best bet for helping me with the answer to my post. Thank you again all. Even though you always hear the l advice of "eat healthier, excersize, see a shrink" It can feel a little generic sometimes. I'm mean of course we all should do those things, but maybe I kind of needed to hear that said directly to me to sink in? Sounds a little silly I'm sure. But thank you again for the replys.
I'll start looking for a cost or asap, again if you have any pointers on finding the right one besides jumping from one to the next (that sounds kind of exhausting!) I'd be most appreciative.
 
Good question. How to find a good doctor without testing it all out. Got no answer to this. In my country there is another thing. If you have got private medical care or if you got normal medical care. If you are on private they tend to be more interested. You get faster a appointment. Better care and so on.

At some point, when I was lying in the woods with a shoulder depression for more then one hour. Horrible pain. I got finally flight out with a helicopter, but they did everything wrong the could. (Did not find me, even with GPS data I send, put my shoulder back 2,5 hours later).
I suffered for over a half year from a squeezed nerve in my arm with horrible, horrible pain. At that point I said to my self - I have to learn the things by myself now. Can not go through all things, but now it has reached a level where I can make my judge if a doc is good or not in a few minutes and mostly cure myself.

But as I said I do not even know how to find a good doctor - that is interested in me too - without self testing.
Boring, time consuming, but everybody must judge on his own what to do.
Read many survival books, old medicine books from clerics, learnt allot about plants, body and so on.

But if I read your topic again I can say:
Because you will loose everything and then die.
If you do not understand why to quit oxy, watch the movie Oxyana.
Then reconsider about your question.
I never heard from this substance before Roxie (BLighter) told me about that - this is a horrible, disgusting drug. After that I read a few threads more about this substance - and many of them end with the end.

Blessings
LifeIsStrange
 
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Voltatab: You sound open minded, and that is a good trait to have when battling addiction. Regarding therapists, counselors, psychologists: each state oversees their own mental health practitioners, so the titles are a bit different in each state. I live in Colorado, and we have Certified Addiction Counselors, Levels I, II, an III and Licensed Addiction Counselors. A licensed addiction counselor has a master's degree level education in counseling, social work, or related field, as well as about two years training in addictions as well as supervision by a licensed addiction counselor as they accrue hours of seeing clients. Therefore, they should have the education as well as practical counseling experience with addicts to be able to be helpful to most any type of addict seeking help. What state do you live in? Try to find out what addiction counselors are called in your state. Make a list of 5-10 names. Then, get several questions written down. Call these counselors, and ask them the questions you have. Also, some counselors offer free consultations to see if there is a good fit. You should be able to find one that you can feel comfortable with by going through these steps.
 
I'm going through very similar things as OP ... except with smaller doses. And sometimes i think to my self... why quit? It's an opiate... they are near harmless to the body and brain (wrong!)

Thanks Camjua and Placid space... real good insight.
Got me thinking about my self and how fucked up my thinking is in addiction....
 
I had a similar experience with oxy. I was taking them constantly until I ran out and forced myself not to refill. Withdrawals were terrible. I have fibromyalgia but of course, the Oxys were abused and I used them more as a euphoriant than a painkiller. Pretty sure it didn't do anything for my fibro pain anyways. but I am now trying lyrica. It is believed to help some people with opiate withdrawal, actually.
 
Np, glad I could help <3

Another scary thought is, oxycodone addiction often leads to heroin addiction. Many, myself included, swore they'd never try heroin... but eventually the addiction gets the best of you.. and you eventually out of curiosity, trying to save a buck, or desperate to kick the sickness... will try heroin.. and if you do you're pretty much fucked since once heroin gets it's claws in you, it's a battle many can't quit and many die trying.
 
camjua said:
Np, glad I could help <3

Another scary thought is, oxycodone addiction often leads to heroin addiction. Many, myself included, swore they'd never try heroin... but eventually the addiction gets the best of you.. and you eventually out of curiosity, trying to save a buck, or desperate to kick the sickness... will try heroin.. and if you do you're pretty much fucked since once heroin gets it's claws in you, it's a battle many can't quit and many die trying.
Click to expand...

O.. i know that too well. Been on an off heroin many times.. reason why i went back to oxy? Because black tar heroin... has a weird way of giving me pneumonia. It has a lot of bacteria and fucks up my lungs.. no way around it. I've tried snorting, smoking... and yes plugging. Even plugging tar some how forms mucus and nasty bacteria in my lungs (weird right) . Oxy for me is cleaner... but 10x as expensive.

At my worst i was doing meth and heroin same time every day.. sometimes i'd throw in some xanax as well.
 
Voltatab, if you google the names of local professionals, you'll find reviews which might help you do some screening. Also, I don't mean to be harsh but be careful of addict thinking-are you actually going to shop for a therapist that will tell you what you want to hear?
 
Voltatab said:
Hello everyone, or anyone who is kind enough to take some time to read my posting. If your curious what my post is about but would rather skip my "life story" below lol, just skip to the last paragraph which sums up my main cry for helps day the reason I posted. Thank you again everyone!!!

Sorry For the length of this post, I know it's long but if anyone can relate to this or has answers or advice I am all ears, PLEASE AND THANK YOU IN ADVANCE, as IM ASKING FOR SOMEONES HELP!!) and again thank you so much for reading this,

in short I'm an addict who has wanted to quit abusing opiates, but have no "rock bottom" really that I feel like I've ever hit really, no real memory or reason to talk me out of using again because I don't have that story of losing everything, or being hospitalized etc. I was hoping for someone maybe to tell me what I can expect to happen to me one day if I keep up my bad behaviors, or how does an episode of liver or kidney or heart failure happen to someone abusing Oxy at the levels I was abusing, something to help me stay off the drugs once I am clean again.
Now because I haven't suffered from the loss many of you have, ( and please I hope I am not coming off as sounding snobby or superior or anything, I know that I am very very lucky so far, and I don't want to have the worst happened to me, but I don't know what to do) that same loss that has helped you remind yourself as to why you guys are quitting and to get your lives back on track...I don't have anything really bad that's happened that keeps me away.
My name is dan. I am 33 years old and own my own small construction company. I'm fairly fortunate enough to be what feels like a healthy person (excluding my addiction and I'm sure my organs aren't as healthy as I may think) but I suffer from no real physical pain, never had major surgeries, no mental health issues that I know of, my company is doing fairly well, I make pretty good money (enough to pay for a $400-$500 a day Oxy habit towards the last 6 months of my abuse at its worst) I don't have any real bad problems with my family, my relationships with my girlfriend, to friends and family are all relatively good. work is doing pretty well all things considered and am able to save money for retirement.

I have come clean a few years ago and broke down crying like a baby to my friends and family about my addiction to opiates, but because I'm a well functioning addict that sort of unfortunately, makes enough money to pay for as much as I want, no one really cared or just didn't really take it all that seriously. Hell I've even had my brother offer me a norco a year after telling him my addiction. (I turned down his offer, not because I had the will power, but because 1 nor I wouldn't have done anything to get me high, if fact his whole 30 pill script wouldn't have put a dent in my horrible Oxy habit)

. It started With Vicodin from a doctor for a rib Injury, but really it was cause I knew this was a doc with a loose pad and gave out drugs like candy. and it quickly escalated and ended with me buying 30 mg Oxy oills, morphing or even smoking fentynol patches off the street from multiple dealers. I never crossed over to heroin or needles though thank god.

I guess my problem here is that I think I am what you would call a highly functioning addict. When I came out to friends and family they were supportive of me but never mentioned it again to me because I guess on the surface everything seems to be ok with me. Girlfriend, friends, family, good job. All there. Deep down my depression and anxiety make me feels like I'm hanging on by a thread, and that's what makes me go back to the drug time and time again. Cause I feel like I deserve a good time to party, just one weekend I say, not enough to go back thru hell of wds, but a small dosage way low to see where my tolerance is at now.... Of course then I keep going as an addict does and relapse.

I have had some scares and some pretty irresponsible behaviors while abusing of course, some memory loss, and a LOT of money wasted. But nothing compared to so so so many of the stories I've read here. The stories I read on this site can break my heart, I sometimes cry when reading the stories on here of struggle and can empathize as I have been struggling to stay clean for 3 years now. To be quite honest, this website and the support and stories and listing are what many times keep me going sober in the past. I like knowing others know the hell and depression of wds. But like most know. The posi so is barely half the battle. For me it's the long game that I can't get past. The mental sadness and anxiety, the paws that hit you for months down the road, and the feeling that my motivation to thrive at work or keep my relationships truly healthy aren't there. My passion and motivation are gone. While deep down I know that continuing that path of sobriety is the answer to get it all back, I keep relapsing after a month or 2 or 3 cause that times feels like a lifetime and I always tell myself that I can do just one day and won't into wds again, "I'll be safe about it, but I just want that feeling of motivation and deep eauphoria even if just for one weekend, then I'll continue in the path"

while I know I am very lucky to have not had any bad complications or deep loss or deaths in my circle, I know I need help, or my luck may run out and am struggling to find answers. I went to a meeting but couldn't keep going I just could feel a connection with the members. I met with a counselor but again couldn't feel a connection or safe talking with them. It just didn't seem like I was talking with someone who truly understood my Symptoms like that way people on here seem to. If your wondering why I am posting, its because of that. I can't find the reason why not to pop a pill after 21 days of sobriety (today) and am not starting at a bottle of 40, 30 mg Oxy. that's right, I reached out to an old dealer and bought again. I've been starting at the kills for a few hours and think I'll just take one or two every hour till I know where my tolerance is at now, have a fun couple days over thanksgiving holiday, and I'll give the rest to a friend for safe keeping. BUT THIS CANT BE THE WAY! I'm not getting truly sober I'm just holding out is all, right???? Fuck!!

The truth is at my worst I was taking 10-12, 30mg blue little oxy pills in the morning, followed by the same dosage at lunch and again at dinner. That's correct. I was taking about 30-35 of the 30mg Oxy pills a day. I worked my way up to that, that amount was only for about 4-6 mo, and washed it all down with Xanax and whiskey, maybe an ambien and a muscle relaxer so I could "black out" and go to sleep.

What helped me stop taking the pills quite frankly was that I was running out of money to pay for this, and the posts I'd read on here about people losing everything and starting over sort of "scared me straight" every time I quit I go cold turkey, kind of my way of telling myself that this is what I deserve for being so irresponsible with my addiction....

but I must be a gluten for punishment because I manage to bear through the physical withdrawals, which for me seemed like absolute hell on earth, during which I would still have to run my company,(answer phones, schedule jobs for my techs, keep them on track, jump on jobs if they were falling behind etc etc) but I did so as much as possible and often from home on my bed in a sweaty shakey anxiety riddled ball if I could and didn't need to leave the house, with cold sweats and the worst of all the wds that you all know of. I even told my employees my addiction but since they didn't see any bounced checks or diminish in work quality they all just let me be, and again one of them even asked me months later if I knew where to get pain meds for their secre "back" problems. (I ended up calling my old dealer for pills, and started taking again, all the while I told the tech I couldn't help him, even made them all sign a drug free work policy w the possibility of random drug testing.... How embarrassingly hypocritical of me!)

Usually the physical parts has taken at least a couple weeks to about a month before I felt physically ok, but the anxiety and the depression would hit me so hard that id cry and cry and cry all day long and have to remind myself that it was just a symptom of withdrawals, nothing more. My severe depression and anxiety would make me doubt my job, my relationship to my friends, family, where I lived- everything. But once I made it thru that hell hole and finally start to see a glimmer of happiness and feeling like my old self again I'd tell my self I deserve a treat! Just one Sunday abusing or just a weekend bender....which always led to me abusing for a few months and then going through wds AGAIN.
I guess looking back I've never truly gotten out of the wd phase cause PAWS were still coming and going, and last just so damn long. I think that's what ultimately convinces me everytime to re abuse and start the cycle again. I'd say to my self "I've made it thru the physical part before I'll do it again" and to be honest, that first time was ABSOLUTE HELL, none have ever been that bad as I don't let my ha it get back up that high again and it never lasts more than a month or 2. But enough to get me hooked.
Really the only thing that has made me stop over and over again is that I don't quite make the money used to and it's quite embarrassing when I added up all the cash I wasted.

I'm sorry for this endless rant, maybe I just needed to vent my story was all, even if no one reads it, or posts advice, thank you for letting me post.

I guess to sum up, I'm a highly functioning Oxy addict and can't seem to find reasons or scares or close calls to remind myself to stay clean cause I've had no real issues with the drug so far, even at a very stupidly high dosages. Just mainly a lot of money wasted....which in the end doesn't seem to bother me all that much. What is wrong with me and why can't I stop?? Does anyone have something they could tell me about how an overdose episode happens, or a hospital trip could happen, or maybe something good to forward to if I stay the course? And skip the "fun" weekend... It sounds so so stupid but please help me tell myself a reason why I shouldn't relapse, considering I've never had a real problem in the past?
Thank you again for allowing me to post, my apologies if this post offended or came off as extremely naïve or ignorant, feel free to blast away and be as harsh as you like, I think I might need some tough love or advice or your story shared w me right now please!!!
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wait till you get felonied up.
 
Thanks again guys. Every post means so much to me! P
Tinker55.... What do you mean Doctor shop? I don't even know what it is I'm looking at with regards to questions they may ask or what is said to even know what I would want to hear....are you referring to trying to find a therapist that will prescribe more pills? Like Xanax or anti depressants or something else? I didn't even think a drugs specialist doc would even do that. But I get your question if they do.

While I have latterly considered taking an anti anxiety cause I'm coming to a realization from talking w friends that I've always been a little tightly wound, and didn't always deal w stress very well, I'd rather learn stress relief trchniqes and build past those issues thru training and the right steps. In all honesty...Downers were never really my thing, and I hate feeling all foggy from another drug that gets me dependent on it. But I will admit shaking this damn depression is by far the hardest part of all this. Some days it takes everything to get out of bed. Customers call in and I'll reply by text or email cause I can't bring my self to talk to so many people that day.
That, mainly is a reason I'd love to find out how start feeling better and start controlling my anxiety.
There has to be tools out there to do it that don't include a script pad... I mean for christs sakes, how did generations before us get through it all???
 
It's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when...there will come a point where you just can't afford however many pills u need to get "high".if your a 1%er maybe not idk I'm not rich. or you will come upon some unexpected life shit that makes u want to get High more than ever...maybe pills aren't available at that moment....maybe someone will have dope instead of pills n u will think ( w/ their convincing help) "oh well I'm basically doing that anywAyso y not save some $ for my next high." You will die or end up in prison or both man I'm sorry to say. Please find an iop or meetings some kind of recovery group. I take it your somewhat young? Seeing the older generations in recovery really helped me see what I do not want to become. Used oxy n the like for a few years until dope. Dope for a year n now been on subs for 3. I never started w/ dope. Always thought they were scumbags who wanted to rob their grammas lol. Farthest from the truth it can happen to the best of us.

GL buddy. Any questions just ask
 
Poloblue- you nailed it. Yes I'm relatively young 33, and I hate to admit it but I have stereotyped heroin users the same way, I always thought that only low life's used needles and heroin....yet towards the end I can be honest enough with myself to say that If i had access to it, along with a convincing "friend" to push it, I know for a fact I would have chased a next level high. I'd be right there using it everyday now.
Instead because I didn't have access, it gave me time to think and It opened my eyes to why I needed to quit, as I didn't want to become the thing that I had so nastily stereotyped people before who fell under the drugs power, and my shame would have been too much to handle.
But i def see now that I was just lucky it wasn't accessible to me is all, otherwise I'd be exactly what I looked down upon. Who am I to judge? I'm the same as everyone else on this site, I know that now. It's taken a while to humble myself and accept that I'm not superior to anyone. I know better now and agree. ANYONE who is an addict or has the addictive genes can fall prey to it. Even myself. Since going to a couple meetings some of the older guys have been both the most kind and supportive, as well as scary (sorry to say but I see their lives and the wreckage they describe, some who started off with everything that I have) and I try to finally learn from my elders and not repeat their mistakes.
I'm currently clean, although I hit a couple days of PAWS the last 2 days which was no fun (anxiety, sweating, and a general tension in my stomach and chest i originally blamed on work) what truly challenges me is the lack of motivation I feel daily. I'll have these bursts of time where I want to get in the gym, eat perfectly, conquer the world, expand my biz...but it's fleeting, and then I'll feel flattened out again. It's these cycles that I struggle to get past and not relapse again

I'm still looking for a drug counselor to meet, a therapist. Hard to connect with someone though.
NA meetings, if I'm being honest kind of weirded me out. Maybe I'm not being open to the people and the process though? Did any of you feel the same way about meetings? I just didn't feel like I could connect with them I'm embarrassed to say.

Thank you guys so much that you are still here and reading my thread. You have no idea what it feels like to know people are listening and even caring to help a total stranger. I am in tears as I read your posts of support. (I guess being overly emotional is also a withdrawal symptom cause it's been happening a lot lately! Lol) thank you again
 
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I think most have probably stereotyped n generalized like that. W/ schooling & the media , if you don't have first hand exp it's tough to think otherwise. your not alone on the cycles of motivation either I get exactly what you mean. It makes me feel bipolar or manic even, yet any doc I see tells me I'm not so idk, really wish I had a better answer for that. Meetings can & are prolly good thing to do but It's possible they're not for everyone. just know I haven't been to a single meeting in 4 yrs & I'm still "clean". I do smoke weed/oil regularly tho n feel it has helped me stay away from harder shit atleast for the time being. Idk if it's smart of me in the long run tho as it still acts on the dopamine / serotonin receptors. I did do a few iops at the beginning of my recovery which I found very helpful tho. I guess everyone's recovery is diff & just have to find what works for you. I guess when I first started iops I was nervous n shit n didn't like talking a lot but as time went on I ended up connecting w/ atleast some of the ppl there. It's nice to hear ppl are going through similar things n not feel so alone.
 
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