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Please Help Domestic Abuse Advice Needed!

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ScoobyFuckingDoo

Greenlighter
Joined
Feb 21, 2017
Messages
15
Hi,
My friend just saw her stepdad hit her mom. She said it was the first time it happened. She is confiding all of this to me and it's way over my head. She wants advice, what should I say??
 
Hi,
My friend just saw her stepdad hit her mom. She said it was the first time it happened. She is confiding all of this to me and it's way over my head. She wants advice, what should I say??
 
its up to the mum to go to the police, because if she wont press charges there is not a lot else can be done

she should talk to her mum
 
Seeing him hit her once does not equate to domestic violence. Your friend should simply ask outright what happened - this may have been a one off, heat of the moment thing (not saying it was right), were they drunk, were they fighting, had she struck him - lots of questions need to be answered before people jump to conclusions about being in an abusive relationship etc.
 
That is domestic violence. Confront both of them and keep a written record of this incident.


If this friend has close relatives on the mothers side get her to tell them and get support for her should she need to get out of there.

Partners shouldnt ever abuse each other.
 
Well people get into fights sometimes, like Bearlove says.
That said abusive relationships are extremely difficult to disentangle and remember that males get abused as well as females.
Things to watch out for are unreasonable demands and/or criticism by one partner, which may or may not be followed by violence or verbal abuse
Unreasonable suspicion of one partner by the other.
Does one partner have inexplicable bruising or other injuries, is one partner fearful.
Alcohol is also often a factor.

One of the best films I've seen about this problem is "Sleeping with the Enemy".
The abused person in the relationship often needs help to escape and even then there is the fear and likelihood of the other partner stalking them and seeking revenge.
Women's refuges are fairly common but refuges for men are far less common.
When my father remarried my sister concocted fables about my stepmother which were simply untrue. It was her way of expressing the anger she felt about our parents' divorce.
Direct confrontation is not going to help if serious abuse is going on. It might even make things worse.
The key person to talk with is the mother, before you do anything else it is she who has to acknowledge any abuse. She may be reluctant to do so because of all kinds of reasons, including feelings of inadequacy, shame, inferiority and so on.
 
Don't look away. No individual should get beaten by a loved one. How can you hit someone you love if you are a halfway decent human being?

Are they both very impulsive? If so...and there was alcohol involved...it might have been a one off...no one giving in and provoking each other to the point it got physical...
But she knows her mom the best. It's still unacceptable even in case of 2 impulsive people and alcohol.

She must talk to her...either he apologizes, feels terribly sorry, works hard to give her slowly back trust and confidence (to regain trust in your partner after getting hit is a long process) and NEVER does this again....or she should leave him.

If he does this ever again your friend should keep it on record. Starting to record as soon as she feels he will beat her in a few moments.

Talk first and be supportive. She should tell her mom how much she loves her. Often people suffering from domestic violence are not able to stand up against because they are dependent and don't have access to the rational part of the brain. If that's the case they need help.

Good luck to your friend.
 
Have her talk to her mom. She needs to tell her mom what she saw. It'll make it more real for the mom.
 
zephyr said:
That is domestic violence. Confront both of them and keep a written record of this incident.


If this friend has close relatives on the mothers side get her to tell them and get support for her should she need to get out of there.

Partners shouldnt ever abuse each other.
Click to expand...

I thought that the law states that for 'domestic violence' that a pattern of behavior has to be present - same with 'family violence' the person on the receiving end would need to be living in fear, fearful knowing that a situation could escalate into a violent reaction. (It is a pattern of behavior)

Of course ending in a violent confrontation is wrong and should never happen but it can and does happen for a number of reasons.

Without direct confrontation to either adult then nobody knows what happened - I would be more inclined to confront the father but it should not go without some action being taken. Confront, document, learn to recognize signs, patterns of behavior (drink or drug related, money problems, cheating etc)
 
Thanks guys, this has been really helpful. I think I was able to help my friend a bit by giving her some possibilities of things she could do. I really had no clue what to tell her. I'm a dude and if my dad hit my mom I would kick his ass, but it's more difficult for a daughter in this situation. Anyways, thanks everyone.
t''
 
Bearlove said:
I thought that the law states that for 'domestic violence' that a pattern of behavior has to be present - same with 'family violence' the person on the receiving end would need to be living in fear, fearful knowing that a situation could escalate into a violent reaction. (It is a pattern of behavior)

Of course ending in a violent confrontation is wrong and should never happen but it can and does happen for a number of reasons.

Without direct confrontation to either adult then nobody knows what happened - I would be more inclined to confront the father but it should not go without some action being taken. Confront, document, learn to recognize signs, patterns of behavior (drink or drug related, money problems, cheating etc)
Click to expand...

Im not an expert in the legal side of things but its gotta be disturbing to see a parent or step parent hit the other.

We dont know the situation and it could be more than this but yeah hitting his eife once is not on and he should know he was seen and needs to not do that for any reason.
 
ScoobyFuckingDoo said:
Thanks guys, this has been really helpful. I think I was able to help my friend a bit by giving her some possibilities of things she could do. I really had no clue what to tell her. I'm a dude and if my dad hit my mom I would kick his ass, but it's more difficult for a daughter in this situation. Anyways, thanks everyone.
t''
Click to expand...
Show her this thread.....
 
I won't excuse violence at all, it's WRONG.
That being said, a lot of people do "wrong" things once. Heat of the moment. They realize the huge mistake and take steps to change it. But the person who was the victim stills needs support, no matter how apologetic the other person may be (and that's giving him a LOT of benefit of the doubt). She should talk to her mom and be there for her mom. And also look for potential signs in the future. Because it could be a one time incident OR it could be a regular thing and you just don't know... her mom needs support and someone to talk to and go to although that's putting a lot of weight on your friend's shoulders. If her mom can confide in another friend then that may be helpful for her.
 
llama112 said:
I won't excuse violence at all, it's WRONG.
That being said, a lot of people do "wrong" things once. Heat of the moment. They realize the huge mistake and take steps to change it. But the person who was the victim stills needs support, no matter how apologetic the other person may be (and that's giving him a LOT of benefit of the doubt). She should talk to her mom and be there for her mom. And also look for potential signs in the future. Because it could be a one time incident OR it could be a regular thing and you just don't know... her mom needs support and someone to talk to and go to although that's putting a lot of weight on your friend's shoulders. If her mom can confide in another friend then that may be helpful for her.
Click to expand...

I've lost my temper and got physical with my partner ONCE before. I would never ever intentionally hurt him (he is my life) but there is a point where people react before thinking. Yes if somebody witnessed the event they would think domestic violence/ abuse - nothing could be farther from the truth.

Shameful, disgusting - I know it is.
 
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