*PLEASE CRITIQUE* | Mortality of an Era

[replicant]

Mortality of an Era
By JK

I’ve watched the mindless masses wander over time;
with no emotion, empty faces, and wilting dreams.
Blind and unaware as apathetic waves erode
the ballast of life.

I’ve witnessed the schism of intelligence and
the hurried embracement of the ignorant;
while affinities towards effortless being
asphyxiated all ambition and craving.

I’ve observed the outcome of our choices
with fear, concern, and discomfort.
Disassociating from involvement
and washing hands of culpability.

I’ve faced the mortality of an era
persuaded by a mass of disregard.
Commuting repercussions
to undesired children.

 

[SideOrderOfOpiates]

Admirable poem, replicant! I must say, this caught my eye far more than many of the poems I have seen scattered about the first few pages of this forum. From what I have seen so far, I believe you are quite talented!

As far as the critiquing goes, I honestly wouldn't alter much of it! I am particularly impressed with the introduction stanza, as well as the lack of blatant clichés within your work. I read this a few times to further grasp the meaning, as well as the overall flow. The only thing that I think it could benefit from would be some minor rewording. Initially, I thought that maybe lines 7 & 8 could be reworded a bit, but really I would leave that up to your taste. Something about the word 'asphyxiated' to me just seems a little generic goth at first glance. If the rest of the poem were to be a bit more vulgar and raw, the word 'asphyxiated' would have probably been better suited. Your style just seems as though your talent really shines through in a more composed sort of way. I feel you should embrace that. If the word simply goes hand in hand with the point you're trying to get across, by all means...keep it. You're entitled to your own style! If not though, that would be my only real critique. Overall, I think that second stanza has a lot of potential. The third is just rad! With that said, you could easily get away with keeping it as is. Just something to think about playing around with

"Disassociating from involvement
and washing hands of culpability." <---Wonderful! :D

Write on! %)

 

[TheDeceased]

Nice work.

Love the first stanza:

I’ve watched the mindless masses wander over time;
with no emotion, empty faces, and wilting dreams.
Blind and unaware as apathetic waves erode
the ballast of life.

and other bits and pieces:

the schism of intelligence

asphyxiated all ambition

You said you wanted feedback. So:

1. I don't like the word (embracement). It throws off the flow a bit. Same goes for (disassociating) later on.

2. The second line in the third stanza isn't my favorite. It follows the same structure as the second line in the first stanza, but lacks the poetry. (with no emotion, empty faces, and wilting dreams > with fear, concern, and discomfort). Actually, aside from the last line (washing hands of culpability), the third stanza doesn't maintain the same language as the rest of the poem IMO = there aren't as many exotic words, simpler line/sentence structure.

3. I really like the first two stanzas.

4. I'm not sure about the title (mortality of an era), though. It's a twist on a cliche (death of an era) but it pretty much means the same thing so, whether or not you consciously did so, it looks as if you've chosen the word (mortality) to avoid the cliche but when I read it, I recognize it as familiar and make the connection so the cliche pops into my head anyway. You'd be better off using the original cliche or, preferably, something else.

5. The last two lines (commuting repercussions to undesired children) throws me a bit. It's slightly unclear to me as to who is commuting repercussions. There are a couple of parts throughout that the identity of statements is a little ambiguous. I'm not sure if that was intentional (I realize that the observer is also part of what he/she is observing). Anyway:

I read it so that you were saying the observer was blind and disassociated, rather than the observed. (I like the idea of a blind observer by the way.) But if that's the case, then in the last stanza the observer is the one commuting undesired children (rather than the mortality of an era or the era commuting the children) and I'm not sure what that means. Either way I don't know what it means.

6. You've used semi-colons in an unusual way ('with' and 'while' are not conjunctive adverbs) and although poets break the rules with semi-colons it's usually to emphasize a break or some other reason. If you're using it to emphasize a pause then the first one should probably be after the second line rather than after the first.



Sorry if that was way too much feedback.