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Relapse Please convince me not to relapse on benzodiazapines

ChemicallyEnhanced

ChemicallyEnhanced

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 29, 2018
Messages
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My addiction story is almost identical to that of Sara Goldfarb (Requiem for a Dream). I recovered from bulimia but I only stopped the purging part and I was around BMI 29 and desperate to control my appetite so I went to my addict brothers (very, very shady) doctor and he prescribed me 100mg amphetamine sulphate pills to take three times a day. The only downside was anxiety and insomnia so he also prescribed me 1mg of Xanax three times a day and 180mg of Phenobarbital at night to sleep.
Fast forward 4 months. I am badly addicted. I am now taking over a gram of pure amphetamine sulphate and up to 8mg Xanax and 360mg Phenobarbital (all on prescription). I wonder the streets of my city 12 hours a day hallucinating and the other 12 sedated out of my mind. My BMI is less than 15.
I eventually am sectioned, cold turkey'd from amphetamine and detoxed from benodiazepines and barbiturates.

I am now over 3 years sober and out of nowhere I am having the most intense cravings I have had in my life. Particularly the Xanax. It ids all I have been able to think about for weeks and is getting more and more intense to where today it is unbareable. Literally every fiber of my being is screaming at me to go buy some Xanax. The cravings are making me very anxious which just intensifies to need.

Please convince me not to do it, I am at my wits end :(.
 
There is so much to be said here but the main things are this... Remember how difficult it was coming off all that stuff and how far you've made it since then. Maybe you got off kind of easy with a slow taper last time, I don't know. However at absolute BEST CASE SCENARIO it will be equally as bad as last time and at worst case... well it can always get so much worse than last time. You really don't want to have to go through all that again do you? (Rhetorical question)
Cravings will pop up every once in a while no matter which drug was used. That's normal. I feel the big problem most of us face is we remember the good feelings better than we remember the bad. After time passes (especially 3 years) it's easy to forget just how hard the struggle to stop was but we still remember the first time we tried it and how "wonderful" it was. The problem with this thinking is that after your body gets used to a drug it's never the same. Over time I believe everything flips. The high is never as high and the low gets worse every time.
 
You won't really get to enjoy benzos anymore. You'll just go back into addiction with them and you'll feel severe withdrawal the second you quit them again, almost immediately. It's a very unfortunate addiction.

I'm quite glad never to have gotten to such a point with them.

Have you gotten into therapy at all?
 
Thanks for the replies. They really made me think twice and in the end I didn't slip and get any. The urge is still there but I have it under control now.
 
Hey CE!

Cravings are a bitch. Now is the time to focus on the solution. And what's going on in your life -. And just as important, what's not going on that you may wish was.

Recovery, I've learned, from riding on this deranged carousel of addiction, is a verb. It requires action. Just as much time and energy as using takes.

Go to a meeting. call the NA hotline, tell them your story, and ask what community resources are available to you. Get busy helping others less fortunate. Whatever you find interesting and appealing
Thats just a couple ideas.

The opposite of addiction is connection. We all need connection w someone or something. We need to feel loved and valued. Build a life that you value, and don't want to lose.

You do not want to go back to that lifestyle. You already know the ending to that story. It's so shitty to live that way. And sad. And lonely.

I truly hope you don't give in. It won't turn out as well as you're imagining in your head. Your body and mind have memory. The benzos won't feel the same. It's just not worth it.

Ireally hope you come and update us. We're here for CE. ❤

NA Helpline - 1-800-821-4357
 
I just keep telling myself "the high isn't worth the withdrawals". Like Stargazer said, cravings are a bitch. Nothing would make me happier than getting a needle and taking a nice big shot of H. BUT... thats not going to happen (im using CBD and Kratom to help with that). Maybe you can take some Kava tea? That acts like a benzo and can help with anxiety. Please be strong! You can do it!
 
Chris42393 said:
I just keep telling myself "the high isn't worth the withdrawals". Like Stargazer said, cravings are a bitch. Nothing would make me happier than getting a needle and taking a nice big shot of H. BUT... thats not going to happen (im using CBD and Kratom to help with that). Maybe you can take some Kava tea? That acts like a benzo and can help with anxiety. Please be strong! You can do it!
Click to expand...
Thanks. The withdrawal is an excellent point! The extreme anxiety and panic when I run out is just not worth it. Plus I have mild-moderate brain damage caused by a withdrawal seizure.
 
Rebound anxiety. Omg. As if the anxiety you're taking them for isn't bad enough.

I used to go through 90 1mg xanax in 3 days. Just from that, I'd get a splitting, unbearable headache, vomit, have chills/hot flashes....and horrible rebound anxiety.

That Rx, had two refills. Every 12 days I could fill it. I'd repeat the same thing - take 90 in 3 days.

I finally told my Dr to only give me 30 a month. Benzos caused the most problems for me behaviorly out if everything I was addicted to. And I had an insane opiate dependence.
 
I'm glad you've controlled the urge. Without wanting to sound too scary, I went through serious, high dose benzo and opiate addiction with helping withdrawal. I ended up relapsing on benzos (and opiates but that's another story) in a sort of controlled way with monthly high dose binges and ended up really fucked, with intense withdrawal every month that basicly got worse each time due to the kindling effect of downers. Of course, it took some time for me to realise what I was doing and I simply do not (Can not?) use benzos anymore but I certainly learned that previous benzo addiction and withdrawal predisposes one to a more intense future withdrawal. It's just not worth it in the end.

Stargazer said:
Rebound anxiety. Omg.
Click to expand...

I had to read that a few times, the druggie in me just saw "zero milligrams of rebound anxiety". ?
 
Swillow ?. Right?!

The kindling effect, is something I learned about while relapsing, after 1.5yrs.

Even if I did a small amount of opiates (well, for me anyway), like 6-8 5mg percs, I'd feel withdrawal. At, first it was less intense than w/d I had experienced, but still pretty uncomfortable. It quickly escalated to very uncomfortable as I continued using.

I kept thinking it had to be in my head. Until, by chance, I was reading one of the megathreads here on BL (ty BL!), and learned about the kindling effect. Indeed!

I had no idea I was going th that, in my Rx days. It's really bad though. Opiates stopped feeling euphoric after I was on methadone. I no longer am on methadone, what I mean is my receptors don't receive opiates as they did prior.

Yeah, that ship sailed lol. Hope you're well Swillow.❤️

CE-. Somehow I missed you saying you resisted the urge, my apologies. I'm seriously so glad you dodged that bullet.
 
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