planning a memorial service..help

[AcidRAEn]

I wasnt quite sure where to post this. This seemed most appropriate.


A good friend of mine passed away this past weekend. His mother is in bad health and from what ive gathered is unable to have his body moved from new orleans back here to virginia. There wont be a funeral or memorial service ..but she is planning a life celebration this spring.
However that doesnt help ease the pain many are experiencing now..so with his mothers blessing we are planning a service of sorts for this weekend. He would be very upset if we did something expensive and extravagant and as many of us are underpaid 20 somethings we are trying to keep it simple and very DIY.

Anyway i was wondering if you guys had any ideas or suggestions for a non-traditional memorial service/life celebration. We have three days to pull this together and we have a few ideas but we've never done this before and could use some help.

 

[Allein]

Hi AcidRAEn,

Firstly I'm sorry for your loss, I hope his passing was peacful.

When I tried to think about how to respond to your post i started out trying to think what I might want others to do for me. I realised this wasnt going to be of much use as I'm likely to be very different from him (maybe anyhow).

You knew him, I'd try and think about what he might have wanted, the kind of things he liked and loved, the places and things you and others remember him for, if appropriate throw convention out of the window and do what feels right.

 

[AcidRAEn]

Thank you. It was a heroin overdose. He was only 25.
He was really into music...he played the fiddle and was really into the old time music scene. Some of his friends are traveling up here and they will probably be playing a little bit.
He spent the last few years hitch-hiking so we are going to set up a map of the united states and people can use thumbtacks to pinpoint the places they have traveled with him. We're going to have a guest book and a book where people can write down memories or messages. We have a poster board where we will arrange a collage for his mother and we are printing out some small pictures and backing them with cardboard cut outs as a cheap take home memento. We will also be cooking food.
Actually now that i type this out it sounds like more than what i realized. Ive just never been to a non traditional service and because there is no funeral or other services i feel pressured to make sure this is a meaningful success. I'm kind of panicking about people standing in silence and thinking "we traveled this far for THIS." (We have people coming from all over the US..like cali and montana..arizona..vermont..nc..louisiana)

 

[iLoveYouWithaKnife]

I'm kind of panicking about people standing in silence and thinking "we traveled this far for THIS."

^ I really don't think you have any worry in regard to people thinking this.
Even if people are standing in silence- that is the last thing they are going to be thinking!

You mentioned that his mother couldn't have get him transferred.... maybe try setting up a donation fund to try and make that happen.
Even if people donate a small amount of money.... it ALL adds up and you might be surprised at how much you raise.

 

[AcidRAEn]

I have a friend who worked in a morgue and he said if we wait too long they will end of cremating his body. I had thought about asking her if she needed help with the funds to do so but it's such a touchy subject. I'm unsure how to even approach it.

 

[herbavore]

25 is very young to die. Maybe for some people this will be the first death that makes death real. Death, in my view, is a sacred passage, no different than birth. Perhaps it is a birth but that I cannot say. I think the most important thing is to hold the stories of a person up to the light. Let people laugh at the funny ones and cry whenever they need to. Talk about memories--share them. One of the most comforting things to people experiencing loss is to feel they are together with others that feel it as they do. This world lets go of us without missing a beat. It is up to us to remember each other.

At my son's memorial we asked each person there to think of one word out of all the possibilities they could imagine that would describe our son. We passed out pens and paper and at the end we held them all up together and then gathered them to bring back to the house. Every now and again I read those words and it gives me so much joy to know that he was loved and appreciated for different things by different people. I think my favorite word of all was "himself". Your friend sounds like a great person. Play his favorite songs, invite people to get up and share. Once everyone realizes it is OK to cry the embarrassment spell is thankfully broken.

If you have pictures, have them copied and display them. Some people may have known him since childhood and they will have older pictures. A memorial is for the living. The dead either don't or can't care. The purpose is to be together in honor of a friend--what his life meant to you all. It is a place to stop while the world just keeps spinning and to hold space for your friend's life.

I think it is a beautiful idea to help his mom with the cost of cremation or even the celebration of life she will hold later. Our friends and my son's all collected money and in fact even took care of paying the crematorium. I cannot tell you how much that meant to us. There is nothing tacky about asking people to donate if they want to--most people actually do.

Last thought--did your friend leave any recordings? Maybe you could have his own music playing.

 

[AcidRAEn]

Thanks for the input. This is our second friend to die from heroin abuse (but the first OD) so we are also trying to raise money for harm prevention groups. One friend has all of his cd's and i don't think he had any recordings but he taught some songs to his friends that they are going to play for us.

 

[Maya]

When my bestfriend in high school passed away, all of her close friends where given a chance to bring a gift that came from her and we had a speech as to when we received the gift and how special we were to her as a friend. It was very memorable and its been 17 years ago but I still remember that day. I still think of her from time to time