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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Plagued by self-hatered

I had this. I think it was all built with regret and guilt. Took me a while to let it go, but you're right, you SHOULD say fuckit and give up but not on yourself...on the root of the cause.
 
Dude, lot of this is chemical. Research your limbic system as well as endorphin production. You have probably experiencing something similar to obsessive personality disorder. Fancy for your brain not dealing with stress properly so you stay stressed out obsessing about your predicament. It usually manifests as the things you most are stressed about I e. guilt, self loathing, regrets, bills/money. If it wasnt one thing it would be another. You have to let your body gradually normally without drugs, encounter daily stresses. With each new stews your body will start chemically dealing with them. Cortisol levels will balance out with time.
Just take deep breathes and focus on this.Find things to make you laugh. Go on youtube and find a comedian that makes you laugh. Relating to others and knowing they have stresses/ self-esteem problems too will help your subconscious realize it is stressing for no reason. Ever heard old statement t misery loves company. Same thing applies here.
I am also suffering from this and time has been my best friend. Try to take focus off yourself by helping someone with something you are not struggling with- very therapeutic. Do one positive thing a day to help your situation get better. Even something as simple as a brief walk or getting out in sun will help u chemically.
hang in there
 
Whatever it is that I'm experiencing I need to get a handle on it quickly. All I want to do at the moment is switch life off.
 
I'm not a doctor, dont even play one on tv, so I'm always hesitant to share medical knowledge.
I am aware that most doctors are clueless
when it comes to addiction. I see why they have addiction specialist. Nothing worse then telling a doc how your feeling and they just throw generalizations at you or a one size fits all solution.
ALL that being said, there are some decent ones out there, you just have to look I guess. Ive been emailing an endocrinologist from California that has been giving me som really good advice on supplements to help with my diagnosed adrenal fatigue.
If you dont have some major stress in your life causing your feelings ( like an healthy relationship) and you just feel crispy for no reason it more than likely chemical. Even when we feel "normal" it is a right balance of chemicals/hormones in our body that allows this. An out of whack thyroid, low testosterone, or poor endorphin production are just a few things that can cause you to be "depressed'.
I would suggest you get some simple test to find out.
This is if you have been plagued by this for sometime. If this is related to a recent stop of drugs (especially opiates) what you are feeling is probably "normal" as I feel the same. It takes time for our body hit reset button on out of sync endocrine system. I know it sounds simple, but we just have to recognize it for what it is and monitor how we feel.
Trust me I know it is tough and having to make decisions on your mental health with a messed up brain ( for lack of better word) might not be best decision. If your mental state is becoming debilitating I would see a doc.
If it is just nagging I would hang in there. Just my opinion as how I'm approaching it.
Good luck and try to find something to make you laugh/smile if possible for temporary mood change.
 
You have hit on something of the core of the issue there, I'm unsure as to how much of this is me and how much is just a normal reaction to the detox process I have been going through.

It's getting me down to the point where I've started considering anti-depressants though. I really, really don't want to go there but I'm not sure how much longer I can put up with the 'down' periods both in terms of being a danger to myself, and on a less dramatic level the fact that I become totally unproductive whilst going through them. Everything I'm trying to do with my life is moving away from controlling my mood using substances but a chemical flatline is an enticing prospect at the moment.

Sometimes I think I'm just lazy/unfriendly/scared of failure. Who knows.....
 
If you have suicidal thoughts big red flag.
I dont mean wanting to take one to the dome to get out of withdrawl......we all have thought of that. I mean obsessive thoughts of checking out
due to mental pain. If so I would go to doc immediately. Dont put a permanent solution on a temporary problem, no coming back from that decision. A couple years ago I could care less whether I lived or died. Today much different. I loss my brother last Christmas day and I have had a life changing experience since.
I know guilt and depression can be debilitating.
The mental pain is also physical. You're not alone. I have took some comfort in fact I can now identify what makes me feel worse. Unfortunately at this moment it is anything out I public. Just going to store can make me release shots of adrenaline that kick my withdrawals back in effect full blast. I have realized that even perceived stress can trigger me. I cant even watch a dam scary or suspenseful movie. The doc online ive been talking too pegged this as problem with my limbic system. This is BEfore I told her of drug a use. Shows what I am going thru is normal for abnormal if that makes sense.
She gave me a supplement regimen. I dont mind sharing jus dont know if I'm allowed. In not suggesting your situation is mine jus sharing my experience.
I guess my point is I really do think you will get better with time. I just do t know your situation well enough to give direct suggestions that may hell. Dont want to make things worse. KEEP In mind it can take up to a month for supplements or prescriptions to work. I feel you on anti- depressants. Last resort for me too. Be real careful with anxiety meds, take only emergencies I.e panic attacks. Taking on regular basis and then stopping will cause panic attacks- double edged sword. ANTI- depressants can be too, depression can be worse coming off those.
hope you have someone to talk too!
 
Yeah I know...suicidial thoughts not good....

Thankyou for the kind words btw, it means a lot (that's for everyone) :)

I do have people I can talk to, I've perhaps not been as honest as I should have been though. I don't have any real intention of going through with an act of suicide, but it's a thought process I'm very much stuck in. Going to bed hoping not to wake up in the morning etc.... Perhaps more worryingly I was very close to self-harming again, was playing over the act in my head in a fetishtic manner. I could taste the relief.
 
Yeah, I understand talking about suicide can be expressive and not literal.

Ask you personal question,
Are you worse in my the morning then night?

Reason I ask is it is normal for certain hormones to be lower in morning, especially if you are already not making enough hormones to begin with! Cortisol levels spike in morning and if you are not producing enough endorphins or have your pain receptors back fully functioning it can literally hurt waking up.
Get up if you feel like this and go out for quick walk and straight in shower. I know it sucks temporary. But your body is trying to get its circadian cycle ( what controls your body wanting to get up and go to sleep) back in sync. Starting a routine aids in this. AND as I'm sure u know laying there thinking about it if jus for a few minutes sucks and can keep you in crappy mood all day.
 
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Not really I don't think. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it that I can see.

Ten days ago I was happy, having had a really good weekend building bridges with family members, now I'm struggling to see light at the end of the tunnel.
 
Hmm, sounds like paws. I know everything gets chalked up to paws but the premise is pretty much you start feeling better than-BAM- the old mac truck of depression or withrawl hits.
seems to be a common theme. Being that you felt pretty good or at least ok for ten days shows promising signs. Just have to plow thru set back in search of sunnier skys. I know, not much help. Everybody wants to know the answer to question -WHEN? I guess a anwser from body is I DONT KNOW, WHEN I DO YOU'LL B FIRST TO KNOW. lol I often find myself asking my body what the hell taking so long.
Hang in there, dont quit before the miracle/ recovery happens.

I'll leave my last post up may help somebody.....
 
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SRRY, I read thread yesterday but forgot about your Benzos taper. This may very well be root
your problem. I know I felt like I had a whole(empty feeling) in my head when I detoxed off benzos. At first my bead was in the clouds. I felt like I was walking around in alter reality. Had to speak out loud things for me to do. Towards the end I felt the depression. I believe I'm still suffering from benzos use.
 
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