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Physically Beating Myself the FUCK UP Tonight

C

curioushat

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 28, 2011
Messages
150
I'm having a good time beating myself the FUCK UP tonight.

I don't like to cut but I burned myself with a lighter. Punched myself in the face countless times, I hope I wake up tomorrow with two black eyes. I wish I could break my nose, instead I just have a pool of blood to enjoy and bruises all over. FUCK and I'm not even intoxicated. I can only imagine what would happen then :X. FUCK this I hate myself and I hate everything I stand for. What a pathetic excuse for a person.

That is all. Goodnight. :X

(I'm sorry I didn't mean to trigger anyone to do anything, be safe guys)
 
curious <3 reading your despair through your message is heartbreaking. I am so sorry you in a situation where you feel like this towards yourself. Do you know why you are feeling this way towards yourself? Do you want to talk it out and explain a little?

You are not a pathetic excuse for a person despite how you may feel right now. <3<3
 
How long has this behavior been going on, OP?

To piggyback on what stardust.hero wrote about talking it out - have you, ever? If so, were you listened to?

Get back to us!
I hope that you feel better right now :(
~ Vaya
 
curious, I am so sorry. When governments torture people by beating and burning them, they do so to extract information as well as to instill fear and establish control. You are torturing yourself. It makes me wonder if there is something that you have so buried that you are taking drastic measures to bring it to the surface. It also makes me wonder if, in a mixed up kind of way, you might also simply be trying to establish one place in your life where you have control. The self punishment is evident and you do not, under any circumstances, deserve such treatment. <3
 
Just to add on to what has been said, people harm themselves for different reasons. Yes, some people feel they need to be punished, others need to feel a sense of control.
I know I've hurt myself out of curiosity, you know, what is pain? Why is the natural reaction to stop it? What is scary/to be feared about pain? How much can I take? What does this feel like?
Other times I've done it to focus my attention in the present moment, to be so engulfed with pain you can't focus on anything else.
Sometimes the endorphins you release when you feel pain simply feel good.
Why don't you tell us a little bit about your desire to hurt yourself OP?
 
I sympathize man. I used to cut a lot 3-4 years ago. Then I got on some medication and I began to feel normal again-like my first thought waking up in the morning wasnt killing myself
I quit the meds so I could do drugs again. Things got worse and I decided to go back on the meds. I'm not really sure where I stand now. I just ruined 30 days of sobriety a few days ago. Sometimes during the day I just these 15-20 minutes periods of extreme depression where self-mutilation is the inevitable cure
 
What herbavore said resonates with me. I used to self harm over boredom, but eventually, when it got bad, I was doing it b/c I had some corruption of spirit depressing me deep down there. In my case it went away as my issue played out of my life, and luckily I could just bandage myself up each time. It sounds like you are going through some physical discomfort that's default (aside from the self-harm), and I hope you are able to allow some comfort in, even small ones, in lieu of pain.
 
DeathDomokun said:
Just to add on to what has been said, people harm themselves for different reasons. Yes, some people feel they need to be punished, others need to feel a sense of control.
I know I've hurt myself out of curiosity, you know, what is pain? Why is the natural reaction to stop it? What is scary/to be feared about pain? How much can I take? What does this feel like?
Other times I've done it to focus my attention in the present moment, to be so engulfed with pain you can't focus on anything else.
Sometimes the endorphins you release when you feel pain simply feel good.
Why don't you tell us a little bit about your desire to hurt yourself OP?
Click to expand...

Honestly I think the biggest reason that I do it is because I just need to feel SOMETHING. I have been taking mood stabilizer medications and it completely sucked all of the life out of me. Not to mention that I still feel extremely depressed most of the time, the other small sliver of the time I feel relatively normal. Then sometimes I get into really agitated states where I obsess over certain things, sometimes hurting myself. I go so hard, just like I do with most other aspects of my life, that I end up doing extreme things.. thankfully I did not wake up with any significant damage, massive headache.. lol.
 
^From your description of the effects of your mood stabilizer meds, it would seem that you were on anti-psychotic or atypical anti-psychotic medications instead of what are usually termed "mood-stabilizers," like some AEDs (anti-epileptic drugs) such as Neurontin (gabapentin) and Lamictal (lamitrogine), as well as some of the classical "mood stabilizers" such as Thorazine and Lithium. I've had some success in the past with Lithium, but right now I am using Lamictal and have experienced a LOT of benefit from it, without the agonizingly long wait-for-the-effects-to-present syndrome! Maybe exploring different avenues of pharmacotherapy might be a good place to start? Either way, I think that sharing this kind of thing with us represents a tremendous amount of courage. Thank you for your post.

Be well <3

~ Vaya
 
Vaya said:
^From your description of the effects of your mood stabilizer meds, it would seem that you were on anti-psychotic or atypical anti-psychotic medications instead of what are usually termed "mood-stabilizers," like some AEDs (anti-epileptic drugs) such as Neurontin (gabapentin) and Lamictal (lamitrogine), as well as some of the classical "mood stabilizers" such as Thorazine and Lithium. I've had some success in the past with Lithium, but right now I am using Lamictal and have experienced a LOT of benefit from it, without the agonizingly long wait-for-the-effects-to-present syndrome! Maybe exploring different avenues of pharmacotherapy might be a good place to start? Either way, I think that sharing this kind of thing with us represents a tremendous amount of courage. Thank you for your post.

Be well <3

~ Vaya
Click to expand...

You know, I do take Lamictal for mood stabilization. In the past it has helped tremendously, but now I feel like I am receiving no benefit from it. I am deathly afraid of bumping up from 100mg twice a day, because of the absolutely horrific withdrawals that I have heard. I'm not a big fan of being doped up for life. I still take the medication but recently I've noticed a very bad depressive trend. It seems like in the past I would just withdraw from my life, sleep all day and talk to nobody. Now I am getting angry as well as depressed and I am self-harming, a lot. It is so lame, I feel like such a loser and the cycle keeps getting deeper and deeper. I have nobody to talk to, no friends that care and no family that I feel comfortable involving in this. I've already caused my family enough pain, no need to make it worse. It helps to display my feelings over a forum like this though, people here are a little less judgmental because they don't know my background.
 
I don't think my knowing your background would make me any more judgmental of you. In fact, I can't think of a member in The Dark Side who would judge you for revealing some of the more deep-seated roots of your current dilemma. I encourage you to share that information with us, or with someone you trust via PM.

Relative to the Lamictal, you are wise to be wary of abruptly discontinuing it because of the risk of withdrawal-induced seizures. However, lamitrogine (Lamictal) ought not be making you feel "doped up" like the atypical antipsychotics (Seroquel, Zyprexa, Geodon, Risperdal, Abilify) are notorious for. I'm very familiar with that feeling you're describing, but judging from my experiences, I would never attribute a similar feeling to that produced by Lamictal.

~ Vaya
 
i wish i could beat myself up instead of cutting myself. the scars are horrendous.
 
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