Same dude. If the ticket works out but not a place to stay, you can always stay with me or my best friend as well. I have mad friends here in Austin with places. I'm currently debating between Weir and SCI. Ooh but actually now that I think about it, I may be leaving on a countrywide roadtrip April 10th for 3-4 weeks. But even still, if you needed a place to stay I actually wouldn't have a problem with you staying in my place yourself. Seriously.
☮ Social ☮ PD Social Talk Thread: Firly Swolks Discussing Mitillating Tatters Fithout Wilters
- Thread starter swilow
- Start date
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Cream Gravy?
Bluelight Crew
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- Jan 28, 2014
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Your overwhelming kindness brings a smile to my weary face psy
I'm fairly certain my cousin will be in town and have the space; would be a good excuse to catch up with him anyways. If that falls through though, I'll know who to turn to 
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Xorkoth
Bluelight Crew
I ate a whole Dominos medium pizza earlier tonight and now it's late night and I'm making 4 pieces of peanut butter toast. And I'm still full. Dat's dem munchies.
I got to hang out with my friends tonight though and we jammed, there was a maybe 45 minutes period where it was just me and the bass and it got really good. I had done a few bumps of 3-MeO and we smoked a bowl and I started feeling like I was tripping and we had all these intense, awesome conversations about evolution and the timescale of life on Earth, and then started playing music. Then hung out and listened to a lot of music, and later I played along to an old favorite jam from 2 years ago when we hadn't been playing together very long, and I figured out/remembered a lot of stuff about it in terms of how to play that thing. It's really crazy how in our early jams I didn't really know what I was doing, except I had/have a good ear and understand the piano, but like, I didn't know what was going to come out, unlike now where I generally know exactly what I'm doing. The stuff we do now is way tighter and more complex, but the ideas we came up with spontaneously back then were sometimes really beautiful and different.
Pretty much all I could ask for in an evening.
I got to hang out with my friends tonight though and we jammed, there was a maybe 45 minutes period where it was just me and the bass and it got really good. I had done a few bumps of 3-MeO and we smoked a bowl and I started feeling like I was tripping and we had all these intense, awesome conversations about evolution and the timescale of life on Earth, and then started playing music. Then hung out and listened to a lot of music, and later I played along to an old favorite jam from 2 years ago when we hadn't been playing together very long, and I figured out/remembered a lot of stuff about it in terms of how to play that thing. It's really crazy how in our early jams I didn't really know what I was doing, except I had/have a good ear and understand the piano, but like, I didn't know what was going to come out, unlike now where I generally know exactly what I'm doing. The stuff we do now is way tighter and more complex, but the ideas we came up with spontaneously back then were sometimes really beautiful and different.
Pretty much all I could ask for in an evening.
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pharmakos
Bluelighter
Nice tunes! I checked out Jesu some years ago but didn't click for some reason. You've given me something to explore again
Jesu has some EPs/splits that are of questionable quality, but all of their studio albums are great. maybe you just got unlucky and picked out some of their bad material on first listen.
Godflesh i don't like so much. every once in awhile i hear a track from them that i like on my Pandora, but for the most part it wasn't melodic enough for me. i don't mind things that are brutally heavy as long as they're not atonal.
My favorite Jesu albums are Silver and the self-titled.
If you're looking for more melodic, definitely check out Silver.
I also like God Flesh a lot though, especially the older stuff. "Like Rats" is one of my favorite songs in that style.
If you're looking for more melodic, definitely check out Silver.
I also like God Flesh a lot though, especially the older stuff. "Like Rats" is one of my favorite songs in that style.
Tranced
Bluelight Crew
There were two posts from Xorkoth and psy997 earlier in the thread directed at me and I'd been putting off replying because I knew I'd have to try and find them again, but I eventually got round to it. Apologies. 
RE: Smoking causing me social anxiety:
^Basically I find that if I'm out with friends and particularly if people are smoking, then I'll go out and smoke as well. It tends to make me very anxious... after all, such is nicotine. And I'll find that this automatically makes me want to smoke again, which inevitably makes me more anxious. But I'll find that this will also give me social anxiety and I'll become a lot quieter and more withdrawn than I was... and so I smoke again, and so the cycle continues.
RE: My chronic fatigue/similar:
^Yeah it's a really shitty thing to happen because your life's completely on hold but you're just pretty much on your own with regards to health care, and also socially. I've realised that I probably have undiagnosed ADHD, which I'm awaiting an appointment for, but can take up to two years on the NHS. Of course that can lead to procrastination and I think that essentially I've procrastinated so much that I've not only made my body unused to exercise and basically any kind of use, but pretty much conditioned myself to continue like this. Back when I had a job and before I went to university I was a lot more stable, but before that I had never left my routine since I started nursery. Throw in anxiety/depression (which is subsiding) etc etc. Maybe, anyway. I really don't know,
Just to relate more to your girlfriends experience; I also have food intolerances now, and have been diagnosed with IBS; but I'm fine if I avoid wheat and milk. This could also be related but I keep slipping up and eating wheat/milk. I also had the mild-ish potential PTSD that many people hear will relate to, after salvia absolutely scared the shit out of me back in 2008.
"I believe that it's the result of long-term, chronic stress, rather than some inborn property of her physiology" - generally though, I think this about myself; as far as anxiety/depression anyway. I feel like it's a result of factors in my life and my body/mind are saying "quick, wake the fuck up". I'm not sure how though. Maybe ayahuasca, but I just can't fathom a heavy psychedelic experience now.
RE: Smoking causing me social anxiety:
^Basically I find that if I'm out with friends and particularly if people are smoking, then I'll go out and smoke as well. It tends to make me very anxious... after all, such is nicotine. And I'll find that this automatically makes me want to smoke again, which inevitably makes me more anxious. But I'll find that this will also give me social anxiety and I'll become a lot quieter and more withdrawn than I was... and so I smoke again, and so the cycle continues.
RE: My chronic fatigue/similar:
^Yeah it's a really shitty thing to happen because your life's completely on hold but you're just pretty much on your own with regards to health care, and also socially. I've realised that I probably have undiagnosed ADHD, which I'm awaiting an appointment for, but can take up to two years on the NHS. Of course that can lead to procrastination and I think that essentially I've procrastinated so much that I've not only made my body unused to exercise and basically any kind of use, but pretty much conditioned myself to continue like this. Back when I had a job and before I went to university I was a lot more stable, but before that I had never left my routine since I started nursery. Throw in anxiety/depression (which is subsiding) etc etc. Maybe, anyway. I really don't know,
Just to relate more to your girlfriends experience; I also have food intolerances now, and have been diagnosed with IBS; but I'm fine if I avoid wheat and milk. This could also be related but I keep slipping up and eating wheat/milk. I also had the mild-ish potential PTSD that many people hear will relate to, after salvia absolutely scared the shit out of me back in 2008.
"I believe that it's the result of long-term, chronic stress, rather than some inborn property of her physiology" - generally though, I think this about myself; as far as anxiety/depression anyway. I feel like it's a result of factors in my life and my body/mind are saying "quick, wake the fuck up". I'm not sure how though. Maybe ayahuasca, but I just can't fathom a heavy psychedelic experience now.
swilow
Bluelight Crew
Do you know of Alcest? French post-black metal, a ton of post-rock/punk and shoegaze. Hauntingly melodic, beautiful vocals with occasional shrieking. Fuzzy guitars and whatnot. Their latest album, Kodoma, is fucking great. Quite depressing in a way though.
I will have a good listen to Jesu tomorrow when not working.
You good? What's the latest news if any?
What happened with the salvia tranced? Did you write a report-y sort of thing on that experience? Sorry to hear that it was hard to deal with for such a time.
Heard a track from Händel's Messiah from the wonderful movie Manchester by the Sea: He shall feed his flock, which is uplifting me quite a bit and its on repeat which I don't do frequently... On the other side of that spectrum, while doing some dull labor yesterday I put on nostalgic happy hardcore to stimulate me a bit. Maybe you'd have to be Dutch to get that, cause a lot of that is pretty 'wrong' but i like a track like Wonderful Days.
Like, some music is good for 'mature contemplation' and other music like happy hardcore just makes me feel like I am a child who wants to be reassured and comforted. Takes me back to days in my 20s when I partied like I would never die or get any responsibilities, especially with heavy rolls. That feels so unhealthy and scary to me now, because a mentality like the older me will have to clean up after the careless younger one has wrecked me quite a bit.
Anyway everybody has a bit of a child in them still, which is usually a great and important thing to stay fresh... but with ASD there is a model or theory called MAS1P (mental age spectrum within one person) that describes extremes coming together juxtaposed in a more pronounced way. Pretty interesting!
Should be finished with renovating my mother's balcony today, nice to do that job cause she helps me financially in return esp cause I am paying back a tax debt.
Isn't Jesu the guy from Pale Sketcher? This is so great: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aec0K2tFX8k
much love to pharmakos and all you guys
Heard a track from Händel's Messiah from the wonderful movie Manchester by the Sea: He shall feed his flock, which is uplifting me quite a bit and its on repeat which I don't do frequently... On the other side of that spectrum, while doing some dull labor yesterday I put on nostalgic happy hardcore to stimulate me a bit. Maybe you'd have to be Dutch to get that, cause a lot of that is pretty 'wrong' but i like a track like Wonderful Days.
Like, some music is good for 'mature contemplation' and other music like happy hardcore just makes me feel like I am a child who wants to be reassured and comforted. Takes me back to days in my 20s when I partied like I would never die or get any responsibilities, especially with heavy rolls. That feels so unhealthy and scary to me now, because a mentality like the older me will have to clean up after the careless younger one has wrecked me quite a bit.
Anyway everybody has a bit of a child in them still, which is usually a great and important thing to stay fresh... but with ASD there is a model or theory called MAS1P (mental age spectrum within one person) that describes extremes coming together juxtaposed in a more pronounced way. Pretty interesting!
Should be finished with renovating my mother's balcony today, nice to do that job cause she helps me financially in return esp cause I am paying back a tax debt.
Isn't Jesu the guy from Pale Sketcher? This is so great: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aec0K2tFX8k
much love to pharmakos and all you guys
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Tranced
Bluelight Crew
Yip, originally did a report as soon as I woke up the following day, then expanded upon it some time later (as the original draught was quite rushed).
Salvia Divinorum - Semi-experienced & a First Timer - Into Deep
Basically, went to salvia space, came back, went into the living room, only to witness the salvia goddess announcing her presence and then singing to me and my mate and asking us to help her. We thought she was gone, and then she came back etc etc
It's one that's very hard for me to process, let alone others. All I can say is that I've never had any kind of psychosis before or since, and yet that just happened, both of us were witnesses, and I had to try and deal with it.
For a long time afterword everything became incredibly synchronised and certain things would cause what I can only equate to a flashback, as if something would trigger a reminder and I felt that it could all happen again at any moment. Thankfully I dealt with it relatively well and it all kind of subsided, though it has been almost a decade now and the past few years have admittedly been pretty shitty. It took me a long time (3-4 years) to be able to fully accept and stop thinking about it and distance myself.
My friend who was there, who I introduced to psychedelics, is actually currently training to be an (ayahusca) shaman in Peru, and it all started here.
Xorkoth
Bluelight Crew
Wow, never saw that report, I'm starting to read it now.
I'm flying to Illinois to visit my family for a few days, on Friday after work. It's my dad's 60th birthday. We're hoping he makes it to 61, but he made it to 60 and it's a big milestone and I sure as hell am not gonna miss that, although I spent $450 on a plane ticket.
And gone are the days when my parents pay for stuff like that. But oh well, it's worth it. I think my dad misses me every day, and he's starting to wonder how many more times he's going to get to see me in his life. It's interesting, I think as the one person in the family who isn't there with him daily/weekly, the way I interact with him is probably the least changed. My mom has to do everything for him including putting him on the toilet and wiping his ass, she kinda treats him like a child now a little bit, it's sad/aggravating to see but I can't really blame her, caretakers have it rough. I notice everyone sort of regarding him and talking to him differently, and I just try to be the same towards him and I think he appreciates it a whole lot.
I'm flying to Illinois to visit my family for a few days, on Friday after work. It's my dad's 60th birthday. We're hoping he makes it to 61, but he made it to 60 and it's a big milestone and I sure as hell am not gonna miss that, although I spent $450 on a plane ticket.
And gone are the days when my parents pay for stuff like that. But oh well, it's worth it. I think my dad misses me every day, and he's starting to wonder how many more times he's going to get to see me in his life. It's interesting, I think as the one person in the family who isn't there with him daily/weekly, the way I interact with him is probably the least changed. My mom has to do everything for him including putting him on the toilet and wiping his ass, she kinda treats him like a child now a little bit, it's sad/aggravating to see but I can't really blame her, caretakers have it rough. I notice everyone sort of regarding him and talking to him differently, and I just try to be the same towards him and I think he appreciates it a whole lot.
swilow
Bluelight Crew
^Very difficult situation indeed. Your mother sounds like a mighty woman xorkoth.
Xorkoth
Bluelight Crew
Yeah she's a trooper. I love my mom, I can't quite fathom myself arriving to the same place she has if my partner had late-stage ALS, and my siblings talk shit about her amongst themselves/their spouses/me. But I tell them, you have no idea what it would actually be like to watch the person you love break down physically, and be unable to move and have to do EVERYTHING for them 24/7 all the time until they die. That shit is fucking intense. I don't know how I would deal with that. She definitely has some resentment towards him that comes out sometimes and that really hurts him, but she's doing the best she can. He gets really frustrated really easily and can be bossy/snappy/etc, especially when he gets in a bad mood which happens more often as he can move even less and has more difficulty breathing. When I'm there I just let it roll off me, but I see him for a week at a time, here and there. It's demanding, he doesn't mean to be demanding but like, he has a hard time with body temperature regulation so he has this fan and he needs you to adjust it frequently. You gotta help him pee. If he wants to adjust something you have to do it. And on and on.
ALS is a bad fucking way to go.
ALS is a bad fucking way to go.
pharmakos
Bluelighter
I will check them out. There was another black metal/post-rock/shoegaze sort of mashup band recently that a friend tried to get me to listen to, and I liked, but forgot to follow up on...
Oh yeah, was leading up to asking if you might know, but the name came to me -- Deafheaven. Gotta give them more of a chance too. Black metal can kind of put me off, but Deafheaven grew on me by the end of the album we listened to.
Re: health news... Saw the doctor yesterday and confirmed that I do indeed need to do high dose chemotherapy. And the prognosis isn't great for guys in my situation that the previous treatments didn't work for... 30% cure rate. =\. But I will only be in the hospital for three weeks, thought it was going to be a lot more.
They'll be giving me the same 2 chemo drugs as my first chemo round (a year ago) but at 20x the dosage. Three days of that, then three weeks to recover. They have to harvest my own stem cells from me and give them back after the chemo to aid the recovery process... Otherwise it would take much longer than three weeks if at all....
That 30% number should be a low ball estimate for my exact situation, according to this new specialist, but she wanted to be bluntly honest about what I should expect.
I might suffer some permanent hearing loss and kidney function loss, but neither one completely. The hearing loss would bug me the most, IDK if life without music would be worth living.
swilow
Bluelight Crew
^Mate, that's a tough situation. I deeply deeply admire how you are handling this. I'm sure its incredibly difficult- I cannot imagine- and yet you seem to be looking forward with resolve. I'm quite in awe TNW
Deafheaven never clicked with me. For me, it just doesn't work but I see what they are trying to do. I applaud the effort at least. Black metal can be hyper conservative, so the reactions to Deafheaven are quite funny. Incidentally, they are not black metal IMO but just sound similar.
Alcest create some of the most beautiful music I've heard. So much emotion, at times way too much. I can only listen to them on days when I feel happy otherwise I suddenly feel sad.
Please listen to this track in entirety, it is a journey with so much stuff in there. The second riff starting at about 0.30 reminds me of so many things, childhood holidays, warmth of grandparents, innocence, green skies and smiling clouds. Track ends so nicely too.
I'm downloading some Jesu right now
Deafheaven never clicked with me. For me, it just doesn't work but I see what they are trying to do. I applaud the effort at least. Black metal can be hyper conservative, so the reactions to Deafheaven are quite funny. Incidentally, they are not black metal IMO but just sound similar.
Alcest create some of the most beautiful music I've heard. So much emotion, at times way too much. I can only listen to them on days when I feel happy otherwise I suddenly feel sad.
Please listen to this track in entirety, it is a journey with so much stuff in there. The second riff starting at about 0.30 reminds me of so many things, childhood holidays, warmth of grandparents, innocence, green skies and smiling clouds. Track ends so nicely too.
I'm downloading some Jesu right now
pharmakos
Bluelighter
this track is really good. that riff definitely also makes me feel strangely nostalgic. until the vocals kicked in, i wouldn't have noticed the black metal influence at all.
not going to lie, the earthly part of me is incredibly scared. can't remember the last time a day went by without me crying. but there's still a part of me that knows that even if i die, everything is going to be okay.
i might be more concerned with the way my health is impacting my loved ones than i am with the way its impacting myself. i can see a lot of people around me getting very disheartened by my situation. and i know that if i die the people closest to me are going to take a very long time to get over it.
what gets me the most is the thoughts of my family and my girlfriend at my funeral. my dad wishing he had been around more. my mom wishing my life hadn't been one shitty thing after another. my girlfriend feeling like she'll never be able to love anyone else again.
i'm weeping right now as i type this.
its also been very difficult to keep my faith in the divine and not just get mad at the universe. very very difficult.
not going to lie, the earthly part of me is incredibly scared. can't remember the last time a day went by without me crying. but there's still a part of me that knows that even if i die, everything is going to be okay.
i might be more concerned with the way my health is impacting my loved ones than i am with the way its impacting myself. i can see a lot of people around me getting very disheartened by my situation. and i know that if i die the people closest to me are going to take a very long time to get over it.
what gets me the most is the thoughts of my family and my girlfriend at my funeral. my dad wishing he had been around more. my mom wishing my life hadn't been one shitty thing after another. my girlfriend feeling like she'll never be able to love anyone else again.
i'm weeping right now as i type this.
its also been very difficult to keep my faith in the divine and not just get mad at the universe. very very difficult.
swilow
Bluelight Crew
I cannot imagine. I try and its hard. You're incredibly brave though and your concern for others is beautiful. Its frankly amazing. You don't deserve this but life has never been fair. This will make you stronger. I know its hard but as already said, positivity is useful.
My love to you. I'm glad you're here.
Anyway, I'm frustrated right now. I decided not to use codeine today but really really want to.\ I feel quite good really, I'm stoned and a bit manic, 3meopcp & pregabalin...i just know it could get better but I don't need it and I need a day off. I'm trying not to take it more than 3 days in a row which is a start. I dunno, it'd be easier to give in. Must be strong! Distract myself with Epic Evangelical True Power Heavy Metal.
My love to you. I'm glad you're here.
Anyway, I'm frustrated right now. I decided not to use codeine today but really really want to.\ I feel quite good really, I'm stoned and a bit manic, 3meopcp & pregabalin...i just know it could get better but I don't need it and I need a day off. I'm trying not to take it more than 3 days in a row which is a start. I dunno, it'd be easier to give in. Must be strong! Distract myself with Epic Evangelical True Power Heavy Metal.
Cream Gravy?
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Jan 28, 2014
- Messages
- 12,389
My love to you TNW
BL keeps deleting my posts after I use the heart symbol. Fark.
BL keeps deleting my posts after I use the heart symbol. Fark.
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swilow
Bluelight Crew
swilow said:
Alleluia.
Bunch friggin weirdoes. I like the lyrics and the weird persona's these guys have chosen.
Cream_G said:
Just let the man love, Bluelight!
swilow
Bluelight Crew
But on a more serious note, Blood Ceremony fucking kick ass. Sort of Black Sabbath-ish stuff, 70's psychedelic rock, 60's acid rock, doom metal, maybe even modernfolk, lots of witchcraft and occult references. Awesome bluesy riffs, heaps of organ and flutes, female vocals (the weakest part, the guitarist has a much better voice). Plus Fenriz approves.
Their album last year was awesome in that it made me re-listen to their previous album which is awesomer. The Eldritch Dark. This track has pretty much everything they do including organ solo's and riffs straight from the Great Daemon. Please listen.
Their album last year was awesome in that it made me re-listen to their previous album which is awesomer. The Eldritch Dark. This track has pretty much everything they do including organ solo's and riffs straight from the Great Daemon. Please listen.
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