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Paying for everything

F1n1shed said:
Sounds like she's kind of a user, she models and what expects to just save all of that for when shes done with you? She should be chipping in at least a little, unless you were making some big funds. In which case you wouldn't even ask this here
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I should have mentioned she hasn't had work for the past few months.
 
'Honestly, i don't see how she could be using me for anything. What the fuck is she using me for? Free fast food and cheap hotels once a week? Come on. I don't see how you can assume that.' - Pirate

Oh Ok I just assumed there was some evidence or possibility of her using you, because thats what the whole thread has been about, you worried that she was using you and asking if that was so.


and 'initially I just presented one side of the story (i.e. that she never pays) and then presented the other side (i.e. that I hardly pay for anything).' - Pirate

Lols.
 
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Marry her, bring her to your country, get her a job and a house, then divorce her, letting her keep everything.

Then ask her to marry you again.

You like tests, this is the best way to test.

Ok good luck seeya.
 
Antecessor said:
'Honestly, i don't see how she could be using me for anything. What the fuck is she using me for? Free fast food and cheap hotels once a week? Come on. I don't see how you can assume that.' - Pirate

Oh Ok I just assumed there was some evidence or possibility of her using you, because thats what the whole thread has been about, you worried that she was using you and asking if that was so.
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Oh if that's the way I framed the issue (too lazy to read my original post again) then sorry for the confusion. What I meant was her apparent attitude of NEVER expecting to chip in, even if she did have money. It's a question about her character. However, as I mentioned she then went on to say that she would chip in if she had the money and if not would chip in in other ways (cooking, cleaning, etc). So this is no longer an issue between us. The only reason I keep posting in this thread is because people are just jumping to the conclusion that she's a using me and I'm using her which I don't think is fair.
 
Antecessor said:
'Honestly, i don't see how she could be using me for anything. What the fuck is she using me for? Free fast food and cheap hotels once a week? Come on. I don't see how you can assume that.' - Pirate

Oh Ok I just assumed there was some evidence or possibility of her using you, because thats what the whole thread has been about, you worried that she was using you and asking if that was so.


and 'initially I just presented one side of the story (i.e. that she never pays) and then presented the other side (i.e. that I hardly pay for anything).' - Pirate

Lols.
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How is that funny? Not sure why you're suddenly being a dick tbh. Sorry if I came off as an asshole.
 
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Antecessor said:
Go back to being her friend, get her into your country, wait till she sets herself up, THEN see if she still wants you, if she does, then its genuine. If you cant do that for her, then YOU wouldnt be genuine, in my opinion.


Now I dont mean to be rude or anything, I really dont care about what you do, but you asked for advice based on my interpretation of the limited information you have provided, so here it is, sorry in advance if its in any way offensive, Im sure your a good person.
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That seems a bit extreme. I live there now, I'm not just a tourist. All of our friends are there and all of her family. I don't want to go back to my own country and neither does she.
 
first, moving in together or even having a "love nest to test the waters" is quite a commitment to make for someone you've only been seeing for a few months. i'd at least wait until you were out of the honeymoon period before deciding to make such a move.

second, if you're going to be financially responsible, how will she contribute? i think traditional roles can work quite well for some couples but only when each person is assuming equal, but different responsibilities. if while you're working, she'll happily do the cooking, cleaning, meal-planning and other 'domestic' chores, then it sounds pretty fair. but, you have to decide if that's the sort of arrangement you'd like to enter into. some people prefer to share all responsibilities 50/50 (financial, domestic and otherwise), which is perfectly fine, too - but it sounds to me that you expect a 50/50 arrangement while she expects something more traditional.

third, and concerning my second point, do not do or enter into anything that would compromise an already shaky financial situation. if you're willing to but can't comfortably give her the traditional arrangement she wants, then she needs to be understanding of that. financial security should come first.
 
As an American who has spent a few years living in SE Asia, I can tell you from what I've seen, it's a cultural thing. Their views on men and relationships entirely are different. I'm sure this woman is wonderful in ways that many Aussie women are not. You take the good with the bad. Largely these women seem to be worth it.
 
The Mayor said:
As an American who has spent a few years living in SE Asia, I can tell you from what I've seen, it's a cultural thing. Their views on men and relationships entirely are different. I'm sure this woman is wonderful in ways that many Aussie women are not. You take the good with the bad. Largely these women seem to be worth it.
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By the good, I assume the way they conform to sexist patriarchal women's roles?

They will clean your house, cook your dinner, and polish your knob with nary an argument.

Acknowledge you as head of the household?



IMO from what I've seen of western men who like the benefits of women from male dominated repressive society's, is that the men just like to be boss, and can't stand the independence and equality of freed women from the western cultures.



Honestly why would anyone want a slave or chattel, instead of an equal partner?

Too much backchat for the poor mans traditional manly sensibilities?

What is it?

I'm serious, in what ways could the women from these cultures be better than women from Australia, the only difference between them is whether they have culturally induced Stockholm syndrome.

I can understand someone falling in love with someone regardless of culture, but to purposely seek out powerless women seems predatory and sexist, ESP the mail order bride thingy.



Oh and I assume the bad your talking about is the fact that you have to support these slaves financially, what are they thinking, your a male, they should have to pay for the privilege and support you.
After all the basis of slavery is the master profiting from the slaves labour without fair recompense due to the power imbalance and assumed inferiority (black or female) between them.
 
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Fawkes said:
first, moving in together or even having a "love nest to test the waters" is quite a commitment to make for someone you've only been seeing for a few months. i'd at least wait until you were out of the honeymoon period before deciding to make such a move.

second, if you're going to be financially responsible, how will she contribute? i think traditional roles can work quite well for some couples but only when each person is assuming equal, but different responsibilities. if while you're working, she'll happily do the cooking, cleaning, meal-planning and other 'domestic' chores, then it sounds pretty fair. but, you have to decide if that's the sort of arrangement you'd like to enter into. some people prefer to share all responsibilities 50/50 (financial, domestic and otherwise), which is perfectly fine, too - but it sounds to me that you expect a 50/50 arrangement while she expects something more traditional.

third, and concerning my second point, do not do or enter into anything that would compromise an already shaky financial situation. if you're willing to but can't comfortably give her the traditional arrangement she wants, then she needs to be understanding of that. financial security should come first.
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Time is pretty irrelevant if he thinks he really loves this girl - it's much better to move in as quickly as possible imo(well, givve it a 2/3 month minimum to get SOME idea of who they are!), so you can work out whether you're wasting your time...this person may turn out not to be who you thought you wanted.
 
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^ studies show couples that don't move in together during the courtship have better rates of staying together after marriage. But I'm to lazy to look them up.
 
B1tO'RoughJack said:
Time is pretty irrelevant if he thinks he really loves this girl - it's much better to move in as quickly as possible imo(well, givve it a 2/3 month minimum to get SOME idea of who they are!), so you can work out whether you're wasting your time...this person may turn out not to be who you thought you wanted.
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i'm curious, how often this has worked for you? wouldn't it be better to find out that it wasn't going to work out BEFORE entering into a binding lease contract or sharing financial obligations, furniture, etc? twice i've moved in with someone after a few months of dating and both experiences ended horribly. in both instances, we forced ourselves to stay longer than we wanted because we shared a home and the responsibilities that come with sharing living space, which in turn bred even more resentment. had we not been living together, the end of the relationship probably would have been much cleaner, easier and much less expensive.

with that said, the third time i decided to share a space with a partner, we waited a year. happily we'll be celebrating our fifth year together this year and welcoming our first child in June.

i'm not suggesting *some* (as in, a small percentage of) people don't get lucky and have long-term, successful relationships after moving in with a few months of dating under their belts, but given that most relationships will fail, there's something to be said for waiting to share living quarters until after the honeymoon period has waned.

oh and, Living together before marriage doesn't significantly raise likelihood of divorce: study

The study, which surveyed 13,000 men and women between the ages of 15 to 44, reports that 71% of men who were engaged when they moved in with their future first wife made it to their 10th anniversary. For men who didn't cohabit before getting married, the success rate dropped slightly to 69%.

Statistics were similarly close for women, with 65% of cohabiting engaged couples standing the test of time, compared to 66% of women who waited until the marriage was official to shack up.

Meanwhile, the likelihood of an unmarried cohabiting couple lasting the decade after marriage was 55%. While somewhat lower, the results indicate that living together before serious commitment isn't a recipe for disaster.

[...]
It's couples who give into the urge to merge households without a defining vision of their future who are more likely to divorce, the results suggest.
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my study is more recent than yours! so :p!

EDIT: actually, my article is more recent than yours. i'll be back with a thoughtful counter momentarily. :)

ok, having read your articles i'm back. :) and really our articles are essentially saying the same thing: that living together before marriage works (and accordingly my article, with slightly better results) WHEN the couple has moved in together with the agreed intention to marry.

from your articles:

"We think that some couples who move in together without a clear commitment to marriage may wind up sliding into marriage partly because they are already cohabiting," said lead researcher Galena Rhoades of the University of Denver.

"We think there might be a subset of people who live together before they got engaged who might have decided to get married really based on other things in their relationship," Rhoades told LiveScience, "because they were already living together and less because they really wanted and had decided they wanted a future together."

So a joint lease or shared ownership of pets could nudge the nuptials for these folks, more than a life-long commitment to one another.
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It's not that the act of cohabitation weakens relationships, however. Couples who live together after making thoughtful decisions to commit their lives to one another have no higher risk for marital dissatisfaction, his research has found. It's less stable couples who decide to move in together that might see trouble down the road -- especially if a child becomes involved or they marry because of societal pressure. "Cohabitation may not be making some relationships more risky," Stanley says. "What it may be doing is making some risky relationships more likely to continue."
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hahah^ I never said ANYTHING about marriage. It's not the be all and end all of a relationship fawkes...just think moing in together can bring peopple's true colours out. Would you really want to get married and find loads of shit out you couldn't deal with? Nahhh...
 
^ no one said you did say anything about marriage - i thought it was clear the marriage bit was between hiphophippy and myself... though you did try to nullify hiphophippy's argument because s/he didn't post a link to studies on the effect of cohabiting before marriage so technically, you *could* have found the links useful.

i also didn't say people should marry before moving-in together, just that studies suggest that if you do marry AFTER moving-in together, you have better odds of marital success if you move-in with the intention of getting married and not making the decision to share a home because it's just the easier thing to do or you feel pressured or whatever else.

either way, i'm sticking with my point that those 'true colors' usually come out once the honeymoon period has waned and your brain stops keeping you high all the time so you can actually disagree with the person and see they have faults. moving-in together before you're off that love-high could cause more heartache than it's worth, imo.
 
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