PAWS. Depression will be the death of me.

[GirlInterrupted]

I've been off heroin for a month.
Tapered with Suboxone to help me get clean.
Today I'm out of suboxone. No one is gunna hold my hand anymore.

I am officially on my own.

Everyone say's the "Normal" drug free life is beautiful.
But me?

I still hate my life. Now that I'm sober I remember why I rather used. Depression is gunna be the death of me. I swear the sun come up everyday only to humiliate me. Why must I have to suffer through this all. I just want to close my eyes and sleep forever, not having to worry about a damn thing. Pain, sadness, worthlessness.

I'm just apathetic.
My life is not bad at all.
I don't want to be apart of god's experiment.

A world so big, and yet I feel trapt.

 

[caltrain208]

Oh yes, I fondly remember waking up each and every morning wondering why I'm alive, desperately wanting something to change in my life. Drugs ceased to bring me the comfort and happiness they once had. Each use was a desperate attempt to recreate the few happy moments of relief they once gave me. I was using as much as I could as frequently as I could, with complete disregard for my safety or any responsibilities I had. Life was pain, and drugs and sleeping were my temporary release. Once shit became bad enough that I became willing to try anything to feel better, I was finally able to recover and find true happiness. I came to realize that I never had a drug problem, I had a drug solution. My perception was the problem. The way I looked and dealt with life lead me to misery and futility.

Today I have never been as happy. I have learned to accept (though not always approve!) everything for what it is, changing what I can and letting go the need to control what I have no power over. Until I had a program of recovery to change my perception, I wanted to die. Every waking moment. Once I became desperate enough to stop fighting and ask for help, life started to get better. I conquered drugs, fuck I don't ever want to use again the life I have now is so good, and have learned how to conquer all of my personal problems. I am no longer a fearful introvert living in self-pity. I am able to deal with life as it comes and appreciate the small things. All it took was letting go and following direction. Please keep posting on this thread, I'd love to tell you how I did it and what you can do to get better. You're helping me more than I'm helping you by doing so.

 

[oliphill]

I've been off heroin for a month.
Tapered with Suboxone to help me get clean.
Today I'm out of suboxone. No one is gunna hold my hand anymore.

I am officially on my own.

Everyone say's the "Normal" drug free life is beautiful.
But me?

I still hate my life. Now that I'm sober I remember why I rather used. Depression is gunna be the death of me. I swear the sun come up everyday only to humiliate me. Why must I have to suffer through this all. I just want to close my eyes and sleep forever, not having to worry about a damn thing. Pain, sadness, worthlessness.

I'm just apathetic.
My life is not bad at all.
I don't want to be apart of god's experiment.

A world so big, and yet I feel trapt.

Of course that's how you'll feel coming straight off the stuff. I felt that for ages when I first got clean. All I can say is work some sort of recovery program. It makes it much easier. And after a while you will start to feel alive again, trust me it does come. Try not to trick yourself into going back to using again!

 

[burn out]

it will get better.

 

[SececaRD]

How much subs, how long and how did you do your taper.. and how did you do yoru taper like how many mGs a day and how long


Im with you sweetheart... Im oout of subs to todays the first day... actually Ive got a small crumb left that I might do but thats it!!

Now is where the rubber meets the road.. I just gotta remember that I dont wanna go back to that lifestyle again.... I just dont belong in the hood... too dangerous.. too many close calls...

Today I start a new job, Ive got 4 days off Dope, Please pray for me as I will pray for you!!!

WE CAN DO THIS!!!

 

[empty1]

did you steal a page out of my journal from when i got clean ?, some of your wording is exact to mine !!!! , and im sure our wording is just like the rest of the dope fiends on this sight , we all know how you feel , keep talking about it !!!!!! dont make yourself a victim , you want these feelings to change ? then your gonna have to get off your ass and fucking change them ,i spent over a decade roaming the streets hiding behind my blank stare and plastic smile while storming that dark cloud down that syringe into my arm .... and then come to find out i never knew how fucked up i was untill i got off drugs , that was the scariest part when all your emotions come back at once , id be watching tv and it would be some random commercial of a family walking down the beach on vaca or some shit and id bust out into tears thinking i love my mom and dad , what have i done .........burn out is right it will get better, guaranteed but your gonna have to get off you ass and get your recovery , hun i promise you if you do push threw this you are find things that you would have never imagined about your self, wonderful things .....so you gave reaching for anything outside of yourself to feel happy and that diddnt work, it never does , do your self a favor point the finger at you and find the beauty you have inside because not only you but everyone who loves you just want you to be happy .....so get off your ass and do it , message me any time if you need to talk and im sure i can speak for everyone else in recovery on here , we are all here for you , lets do it , make the choice hun

 

[SececaRD]

Empty1


BEAUTIFUL FREAKING POST MAN BEAUTIFUL!!!!


I needed to hear that.... AMMMMMEEENNNNN!!!!!!!

 

[empty1]

Empty1


BEAUTIFUL FREAKING POST MAN BEAUTIFUL!!!!


I needed to hear that.... AMMMMMEEENNNNN!!!!!!!

thank you , shit i think i needed to hear it to !!!!! when giving advice it reminds you to take your own .....her story just keeps it green for me , i only hope i can help her as she helped me with what she wrote !!!!

 

[GirlInterrupted]

Thank you everyone. I am still alive & I did not relapse.
I wish strength and courage upon those in the same battle.

I honestly have no crave to use heroin again. I'm done with it.
It makes me sick. It is such a dirty and ugly substance. The look, the smell, complete ugliness.

My depression still comes and go. I try to focus my energy into creating art.
Still there are times when I just lay in bed and feel complete sadness.
I know I have everything to be grateful for, but in my heart I honestly don't appreciate what I have as much as I should.

Life is beyond beautiful. I am lucky to have this opportunity to live, learn, and love.
Life is so special and sacred, and I feel unworthy. I am unable to see truly how life is, I just know in my heart it is. I am blind from beauty because my eyes are always full of sad tears.


I wish I could pull my head out my ass and smell the flowers, but I am a coward.

 

[SececaRD]

GIRL Im soo proud of you youve made a giant leap!!!

How much clean time ya got now???

 

[Lady Codone]

I feel for you, Girl. Opiates are God's Own Antidepressant and the only thing that work for a lot of us here. Never experienced PAWS myself but fear it's coming when the poppy vendors run out of supply for good (any day now).

I know nothing compares to an opiate high, but I'd recommend lots of vigorous exercise, sunlight, serotonin-rich foods and orgasms to get your neurotransmitters back on track. After using drugs for so long, we tend to neglect other self-help therapies that can be helpful for depression and just rely on the drug to keep us sane. It's like putting all your eggs in one basket--when that basket is taken away, you're left with no tools to dig yourself out of the deep hole that is depression.

On the bright side, at least you recognize your depression for what it is and are seeking support here. I hope things get better for you soon. Take care!

 

[LunaInFurs]

did you steal a page out of my journal from when i got clean ?, some of your wording is exact to mine !!!! , and im sure our wording is just like the rest of the dope fiends on this sight , we all know how you feel , keep talking about it !!!!!! dont make yourself a victim , you want these feelings to change ? then your gonna have to get off your ass and fucking change them ,i spent over a decade roaming the streets hiding behind my blank stare and plastic smile while storming that dark cloud down that syringe into my arm .... and then come to find out i never knew how fucked up i was untill i got off drugs , that was the scariest part when all your emotions come back at once , id be watching tv and it would be some random commercial of a family walking down the beach on vaca or some shit and id bust out into tears thinking i love my mom and dad , what have i done .........burn out is right it will get better, guaranteed but your gonna have to get off you ass and get your recovery , hun i promise you if you do push threw this you are find things that you would have never imagined about your self, wonderful things .....so you gave reaching for anything outside of yourself to feel happy and that diddnt work, it never does , do your self a favor point the finger at you and find the beauty you have inside because not only you but everyone who loves you just want you to be happy .....so get off your ass and do it , message me any time if you need to talk and im sure i can speak for everyone else in recovery on here , we are all here for you , lets do it , make the choice hun

I think we all need to hear that , at least every once in a while ! THANK YOU EMPTY !

 

[Dr Pepper]

Dude just sober your goiing to feel like shit. Give it a month or two and you'll start feeling good. Work out alot. Dont sit around the house.