Partner using?

[Foreigner]

Been with this guy since September 2012 and due to some erratic behaviours I am wondering if he's using. He admits to having been a meth addict when he was in his early 20's (is now 30) so he has a history of addiction. He was also big into MDMA.

The first thing that tipped me off that he might be still using is that sometimes when he goes into the washroom at my place, he'll turn on the water faucet the whole time he's in there to generate noise. I used to know someone who did this, and he would then pilfer any prescription meds in the person's washroom. Nothing is missing though. I found a slight brownish/reddish residue on the countertop in there but I have no idea what it is or if it's anything to be concerned about. If it were simply about privacy he would do it all the time... but he only does it sometimes.

When he comes out of the washroom he acts differently sometimes. His ability to follow conversations changes; he becomes more abstract in speech and thought. When he tries to connect some of his ideas to mine in conversation, they don't really fit together and he doesn't seem to notice. (As a side note, this guy is normally really smart and brilliantly creative.) The bottom line here is that my gut is telling me that something is being hidden from me and I can't ignore it because my gut never lies about this kind of thing. Every time I feel there is funny business, there usually is.

I know that he smokes a lot of weed, possibly to addictive levels. He smokes at least once a day, but twice or several times is not unheard of. It makes it harder for him to be aware of practical, day-to-day details like scheduling, proper communication, etc. His communication ability is awful and that's the whole reason why I am left writing this thread. Talking to him does not reveal much.

For new year we went down to the beach to have a bon fire with another friend of mine. We smoked up at the stroke of midnight and then a short time later he walked away and didn't come back for almost 2 hours. He became very fixated on doing night photography, to a dissociative degree. He ignored my friend and I completely. He was even standing in the freezing ocean for over an hour taking photos of the cliffside. It was -1 C outside and his three layers of socks were soaked through with ocean. Back at my place he was so cold, it took a while for him to warm up his body. He was also drinking alcohol last night. By observing him and talking to him at other times, sativas really make him spacey and unable to focus on reality, and we had a high powered sativa + hash + oil in a single joint. (Yeah, it was strong, but I was going for bust.) He did show minor boughts of paranoia but it was nothing serious, and in any case he didn't communicate what was wrong, he just walked off. If he is doing another substance, his constant walking away could have been part of that.

In bed last night I gently brought up the subject of him disappearing, and he said he was just really into his photography. I asked, "Don't you think it's a little aloof to abandon your bf for almost 2 hours on New Year to go photographing in the dark?" He just said he was really enjoying himself. I don't know though... the two times I left the fire to go talk to him out at the water, he barely gave me the time of day. Major dissociation happening... with a high degree of fixation on what he was doing. He wasn't even taking many pictures, he was practicing technique. It just seemed like such an aloof thing to be doing on such a celebratory night.

His behaviour this morning was also strange. He woke up before me and got a shower. I was just rolling over to wake up when he walked into the room and said we should go for a walk. There was a major disconnect. I hadn't even fully woken up, let alone showered or eaten, and he seemed ready to go. Then he said he could just go alone but leave his stuff here, to which I reluctantly said ok and he left. He came back 5 minutes later, going into major abstract mode about the lighting in my home and the colours on the walls. I just looked at him incredulously, and he admitted he just smoked weed. He came back to get his camera to go do more photography, but took the opportunity to gather everything else to leave for good. The goodbye was awkward. I felt kind of crushed, like there was a strange void between us that I didn't fully understand, mostly because a secret was being kept. There was a distance. He left his wet clothes from the previous night in my room.

Thanks for reading so far if you have. A bunch of questions are running through my mind. Could his past drug use make him this aloof, or is it more indicative of someone currently using? I can't tell if I'm dealing with multiple personalities or someone who is just high a lot. If he is using another drug aside from weed, what could it possibly be? Could weed be the cause?

This situation is making me feel a lot of anxst because we've had good times together and we are certainly in love. It's just that when he disassociates I don't know what to do because he doesn't seem to be aware he's even doing it, and his other behaviours suggest substances might be involved but again I don't know.

Advice is appreciated...

 

[hthr007]

Something is certainly up with him. It sounds like "hard" drug use to me rather than multiple personalities.

Have you previously been around him after he smoke marijuana? Is he normally into photography? Have you found any "paraphernalia" around the house that may hint to something other than marijuana use? Besides his personality, are there any other physical signs which hint to a certain route of administration?

I've never been with anyone who I suspected was using, but I grew up with a sibling that smoked every day in the family bathroom. He would put on the water/take a shower to avoid us hearing his activity but that's it. We never suspected anything more than marijuana usage based off my brothers personality and it was quite obvious what he was doing when he'd come out. We were able to see the physical signs.

 

[pancakepirate]

This is a delicate situation, and everyone will react differently no matter how diplomatically you approach the situation. You know your boyfriend better than we do, so I apologize if my suggestions are very generalized and vague.

I guess the best place to start with something like this is to ask yourself how you'd want someone to approach you if someone suspected you were using.

For me personally, if someone overtly accuses me of something, I'm immediately defensive regardless of whether or not it's true. I almost never react with hostility, and I can usually regain my composure and entertain a dialogue without getting heated, but that's a skill I've worked hard to develop. I'm no psychologist, but I think it's pretty much intrinsic for most people to be put on the defensive when they feel attacked, even if you're not doing it aggressively. I know I certainly don't like to feel shamed or blamed, and my instinctive response is usually one of that of "fight or flight".

At this point, you can only speculate whether or not he's using. I'm sorry that you are going through this unpleasant experience, as I can imagine how incredibly uncomfortable it must be for you to be wondering whether or not your partner is engaging in self-destructive behavior. I've been on both ends of the situation, and neither is fun. While the behaviors you've described sound highly suspicious, don't go into it with the assumption that he is using. He very well may be, but you won't know for sure until he either admits to it or you catch him in the act.

I could totally be wrong here, but maybe it's best to not even mention or allude to possible drug use. It is important, however, to communicate what you're feeling. I would explain to him as lovingly as possible that you're feeling disconnected and distanced from him at certain times. Create a safe environment for him to be honest. People are more likely to be candid when they feel like they won't be judged. He might not open up to you right away, but sometimes it takes a little bit of time for people who are more emotionally reserved.

That being said, if you feel he is in immediate danger or poses a threat to himself or others, do whatever you think is best in that situation.

 

[herbavore]

While his behavior does sound pretty strange, and your intuition is definitely worth valuing, it may have nothing to do with drugs. I live with a person that does not read social signals the way most people do and much of his behavior was a source of conflict between us until I came to realize that he really is just a quirky, in-his-own-head kind of guy and he wasn't going to change mainly because he was never going to be aware of how odd his behavior can seem to others. Your boyfriend sounds like he also is a person that follows his own internal cues to the point where he forgets he is even with others.

The situation that happened in the water does raise some kind of red flag for me, though; that did make me think he was probably on something that dulled his senses so that he could withstand the frigid water for that long.

When you say he doesn't reveal much, do you mean that he gets defensive or that he simply doesn't know how to be introspective and share that information with someone else?

Whether the problem is drug use, anxiety, social issues, a radically different perception or a combination of all of those, the bottom line is that you feel hurt and uncomfortable. If it is not possible for open dialogue then that is the real problem you are facing.

Have you tried something direct like, "when you just go off and disassociate from me, it makes me uncomfortable. Could we talk about what is going on with you when you do that so that I can understand?"

 

[cj]

I agree with herbavore that doesnt sound like hard drugs to me.

 

[Foreigner]

When he does these things, he is genuinely unaware. So you may be right herbavore... it could just be a high introspective personality. I've considered that maybe he has mild aspergers. He is practically a savant in the artistic way, but socially he is an oddball - it's one of the reasons I became interested in him.

We've talked about what happened on NY. He said he was just really unaware of the passage of time. He even said he enjoyed the sativa because it kindled his inspiration. I just wish there were better communication that night. If he had told me, "I really feel like investing in my photography tonight, so don't take it personally," that would have eased a lot of tensions, and I could have at least expressed that he should spend a bit more time with me. Just disappearing without a word is not cool.

Standing in the ocean all that time... I think it was just a testament to how introverted he gets. He was so into what he was doing that he was even ignoring his body.

Communication continues to be a huge problem in this relationship and now that some time has passed since NY and I have reflected on it, I see communication is still the root of the matter. He is probably the worst communicator I have ever been with, but his other qualities make me overlook it sometimes. It's still causing issues though.

 

[Mel22]

Have you perhaps considered the possibility of adult ADHD?

I know very little re: your partner's behaviour, but a few things you mentioned could be indicative of it.

 

[teological]

His behaviour does seem very odd. I used to turn on the shower fan when I used to smoke weed in the bathroom, so the sounds he is making could point towards a habit of some sort. Being in the water at freezing temperatures also seems to be very odd indeed. But the the aspect of paranoia comes up. I mean I would be pazz not to give away me being high, so I would avoid acting like that. Maybe he is very introspective, to the point of disassociation? From reading your post however, I feel that he is hiding some sort of drug use.

If he gets defensive or angry too quickly, he is hiding something. The best thing is the truth. Just be open about it. I mean in the end if he like this whilst sober, then do you want it?

 

[majicBLUE]

I'd say if he's using, he's using some kind amphetamine. I don't turn on the sink when I go to crush up a line(although I used to turn it on when I shot heroin), but I do turn on the fan. And I come out and I just want to be involved in the conversation, half the shit doesn't even follow the topic at hand. And him leaving and not coming back for 2 hours, and then photographing? I know aLOT of people who would smoke dope at around 12 am and pace for an hour or so, then start working on their car, clean their house, etc. When you're that fucked up you get SO into the task at hand, it's insane.

Adult ADHD I'd say is a possibility, but with him leaving and things of that nature, it doesn't seem as likely.

 

[Foreigner]

^ He was a crystal meth addict in his early 20's. I just don't know the signs to look for because meth is not something I've done. His fixation on the photography, despite the weather conditions, really made me think of a tweaker.

On the other hand, he really dislikes sativas and prefers indicas. I have read that the THC content of sativas tends to be higher and can aggravate pre-existing anxiety or psychotic disorders, causing more dissociation. He has told me himself that he prefers indicas, which tend to be higher in CBD and act as mild anti-psychotics.

Both times that I've smoked strong sativas with him, he has dissociated. The other time was when I was at his apartment. We smoked a strong joint and then we were just sitting at his home. I have to admit it was intense even for me... normally that kind of rush would get me up and going for a walk outside, but we were just sitting there. He put on music and then immediately started focusing on his camera.

Perhaps it's weed + a pre-existing condition?

 

[majicBLUE]

It's possible. But, the one thing that has me thinking there's a underlying drug problem is the bathroom thing with water running. That's a old, old addict trick. I don't see any reason to run water the entire time except to hide 'drug using' signs from you or he's cheating on you (but very, very doubtful). If you want to know meth abuse signs, more (sometimes ALOT more) sex drive, when he does any task (work on car, write a paper, read a book) hours will pass without him breaking his focus. More energy than usual, tongue moving around in his mouth, licking his lips (sometimes every few seconds, meth causes ridiculous dry mouth, worse than any kind of weed I smoked), moving his mouth/grinding teeth, talking about irrelevant things with a intense focus on the conversation when other people could give a fuck less. There's more if you want to know, but these are the main things.

 

[Disraeli_Beers]

It sounds like the real problem is communication. If he does have a drug problem then talk about it, if he doesn't then talk about other possibilities for the situation.

I am a quirky disassociative person at times, and I also have a history of drugs (ab)use. I can tell you that both my drug use and personality quirks have both caused issues is my relationships and the best way to deal with any adverse effects on the people I love is to talk about it.

If I'm strung out and want to get honest it always is so much easier when you aren't afraid of being judged. Then again I've had partners who think I'm using just because I'm a little 'different' sometimes.

Bottom line; communication is key. If you can't communicate then this guy could be Gandhi or Charles Manson but it wouldn't matter.

 

[Foreigner]

^ I agree about communication, but as magijBLUE said the running water in the bathroom thing is weird. When he was open with me about his drug history, I asked him if he was using now and he said no, just weed. I can tell he has fears of being judged and rejected, as he is overly accommodating sometimes. This to me indicates that if he had an addiction he would be more likely to want to hide it than be open about it. At the same time, he is just different.

It's possible. But, the one thing that has me thinking there's a underlying drug problem is the bathroom thing with water running. That's a old, old addict trick. I don't see any reason to run water the entire time except to hide 'drug using' signs from you or he's cheating on you (but very, very doubtful). If you want to know meth abuse signs, more (sometimes ALOT more) sex drive, when he does any task (work on car, write a paper, read a book) hours will pass without him breaking his focus. More energy than usual, tongue moving around in his mouth, licking his lips (sometimes every few seconds, meth causes ridiculous dry mouth, worse than any kind of weed I smoked), moving his mouth/grinding teeth, talking about irrelevant things with a intense focus on the conversation when other people could give a fuck less. There's more if you want to know, but these are the main things.

His sex drive is actually pretty low compared to mine. He suffers from adrenal burnout and can barely function without caffeine in the morning.

The running water thing was actually what drew my suspicions. If he hadn't done that I probably wouldn't have known.

The focus thing... that's definitely him. When he gets focused on something, the outside world ceases to exist. It's not uncommon for him to be 2-3 hours late for a meetup because he got sucked into something, or to focus on things in conversation that don't really matter. I'm just wondering if this could merely be a product of his previous meth addiction or if it means he'd have to be using now.

The morning I wrote about in the OP where he left and came back 5 minutes later, he was keenly talking about the colours of the things on my walls, and the lighting of my place. He seemed completely oblivious to the fact that I was exhausted, needed to go back to bed (only 4 hours sleep), and showed no interested in what he was talking about. I mean honestly, if there's tension between us, why are you suddenly talking about my fucking home decore? Weed doesn't do that to me.

If you could share any other signs with me, that would be great. Some of what you said is stuff that I've noticed, but again it could be his personality.

And yes... I know that communication is key here. I'm not going to keep investigating on my own like this. Next time we meet up I plan to have a heart to heart with him.

 

[majicBLUE]

If he has a psych problem this could also explain the intense interest in thing, so don't get focused on just that aspect of it. That behavior also reminds me of Asperger's Syndrome. But I think with that it's only specific things, not just things that happen to come up. Does he 'use the bathroom' more than most people? Does he goto the bathroom in public places more than most? Does he try and hide conversations on his cell phone ie: leave the room? Or goto the store for something and not return until 2-3 hours later, this could indicate meeting a dealer. Also pupil dilation is a big giveaway although i've found you have to be really fucked up for them to dilate pretty big and noticeable but if you're looking for it, they'll be bigger than usual. Excessive cotton mouth, eating less and excessive cough/snorting could indicate snorting or smoking dope. Also wearing long sleeves in hot weather could indicate IV use.