Partner and comedowns

[psynce of sound]

Hi i have a query for advice in regards to my partner and his drug use/comedowns.
A bit of background, partner is 52 and used all the classics throughout his life. Also has been on opiods for 25 years (pethidine and oxycodone). I'm 30 and also use drugs, my use has been more extensive. I've used so many different types of drugs.
I have/had issues with drugs that I'm working on currently.
Now my issue, when we take drugs together it ends one of two ways. Either my partner can't control his use and ends up with bad sleep dep and pretty mentally "malfunctioning" or can't cope with the comedown. Usually resulting in aggression, nasty and appalling behavior/treatment towards myself.
It rarely matters about doc as end results are the same.
Overall there's little I can do to stop their use despite my efforts, also I can't go on with this cycle. I'm trying to change my life in many ways and this keeps resetting my efforts. I feel my options are very limited for various reasons. Hence my decision to request input/advice from peers.
Any advice is most welcome, especially from those whom are in/have been in a similar position.
Regards
Psynce Of Sound

 

[T. Calderone]

This reminds me of my ex and myself in a way. It's really hard for one person in the relationship to get sober while the other one is using. You didn't mention what other drugs he's taking besides the pain medications but drug interactions are a possibility and might contribute to his behavior. It's not an excuse to be abusive though. It's good you recognize that changes need to be made. Did he always treat you like this or is this a new thing?

 

[My3sons]

You know what you need to do.

 

[bomber]

Many people use drugs, many have bad comedowns, many won't control their use, still, not all of them show disrepect for their partner. As my3sons said, you know what you need to do.

 

[Moreaux]

What other drugs does your partner use - T. Calderone makes a valid point, many drugs don't mix well. I know some people who become absolute monsters when they drink on opiates. It's also possible he can no longer comedown gracefully or just can't handle his use. I know as my alcoholism progressed I required significantly more booze to achieve the same drunk and I would drink until blackout and absolutely go bat shit crazy. The only thing I could do stop the behavior was to stop drinking - I couldn't handle it anymore.

T. Calderone Makes another great point regarding sobriety, it's so much more difficult to stop using if you are living with someone actively using. If you are trying to slow down or stop your drug use you may have to move out to be successful. I was close friends with an alcoholic who would also become abusive when he drank and the two of us together motivated each other to drink more than we would have if we were drinking alone. Things also got violent frequently. I found I had to stop all association with him to gain my soberiety. I couldn't spend time with him or talk to him on the phone because the associations were too strong with him and booze.

At anyrate, he has some underlying issues that need to be resolved, and those aren't going to get resolved until he gets sober. Statistically, the odds are not in your favor that your relationship will improve or that you will get sober while you stay with him. As a matter of fact the end result of this relationship may add to your issues and cause you to begin using heavy again.

Given that he is 52, it is not likely that he is going to be able to make the sweeping lasting life and attitude changes necessary to be a well adjusted sober person. Also regarding his age, if his drug use is heavy you may be setting yourself up for extreme heart ache as he is more likely to die younger. This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all, and it doesn't seem like there is a chance for it to become one, and it has nothing to do with the age difference (I feel like I should say that as I mentioned his age. Also, my husband is 20 years my senior, May/December relationships have a unique set of considerations).

If he is abusive on the come down I wouldn't be surprised if he began becoming more abusive in regular life. At anyrate, abusive at anytime in the relationship is in acceptable and inappropriate, and should not be tolerated. I think it would be in your own best interest to come up with a plan for being single, which may be the best thing you could do for your sobriety. If you're healthy you have a much higher chance of attracting a healthy mate. I can almost guarantee whoever you meet and date while you're in active addiction has issues because normal well adjusted people will not tolerate that lifestyle for long.

 

[psynce of sound]

Also this behaviour began around the time his mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It came to a stop when she passed away but is slowly resuming in a gradual manner. With honesty the five or so months of his mum dying was a hell for me. It has caused me more trauma than most of horrific things I've endured in my whole life.
Apologies for the double post, I can't edit on my tablet for some reason.

 

[psynce of sound]

Apologies the edit function deleted my first post.
In summary he uses mdma/ecstasy, 4-fa, 4 subbed tryptamines for the most part.
When I acquire amp/meth amp (rarely) or any dissociatives he will use them with me. I do try to not let him partake in anything I do that I know will affect him negatively. He will cause an issue so I end uptaking all my drugs quickly. This itself is another issue that comes up. We both drink alcohol but I'm careful how much I drink after a long time of it ruining my life.
Whilst he gets affected negatively by everything other than mdma it's only stims and alcohol he gets nasty off.
I've also noticed he has started to emotionally react to any negative situation. I'm no saint and I do stupid little things like end up going on a very night out with mates without him. Tiny things but not anything warranting a full blown argument or throwing things around.

As stated the answer is simple on the surface but underneath it all lurks many factors that play a huge influence in this. I don't know if I want to/can make two steps back for one forward.

 

[Moreaux]

Also this behaviour began around the time his mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It came to a stop when she passed away but is slowly resuming in a gradual manner. With honesty the five or so months of his mum dying was a hell for me. It has caused me more trauma than most of horrific things I've endured in my whole life.
Apologies for the double post, I can't edit on my tablet for some reason.

This isn't how relationships should be, ever. You would be better off by yourself.