RaverMadness
Bluelighter
(Disclaimer: Panhandling is illegal in a lot of places. Even if it isn't, the police may find some bullshit excuse to arrest you: "trespassing", "loitering", or "impersonating a human being". This is because society thinks you're a worthless junkie incapable of living your own life, who should be languishing on welfare and food stamps, or better yet, in jail.)
(Disclaimer: Names have been changed to protect the most kickass guilty people ever.)
(Disclaimer: If you feel your life is spiralling out of control due to drug use and poverty, do something about it - something constructive. Get some help, check into rehab, find an appropriate diety to give your life meaning. Just don't make a movie about it, unless it's different than "disenfranchised person gets addicted to drugs, bottoms out, then dies or does something with his life". We all know that story.)
This all started when Emma asked if she could borrow $20. When I asked her what it was for, she said it was for "something special". That meant heroin.
Emma and her husband David are heroin addicts. You wouldn't know it, except for the constricted pupils and unemployment. David can't work due to a felony warrant for almost beating someone to death, and Emma takes Cosmetology classes. Yes, I know those aren't "real" classes, but at least she has something going for her other than drugs.
Emma said she'd pay me back later that night - I believed that she could, because she's a fucking amazing panhandler. Everyone I know assumes that this is because she's tiny and non-threatening, but I know better. She's got this down to a science.
Location
You can't just sit your ass on a street with a lot of pedestrian traffic with a cardboard-and-Keno-crayon sign reading "Homeless, Please Help". People are already walking somewhere, so they have an excuse to ignore you. Mentioning that you're homeless or you need drugs gives people another excuse to ignore you. People with spare change can't relate to the fact you live on the streets or you need to avoid pesky withdrawls - they want to forget they ever saw you.
The best places are megastores like Wal-Mart or grocery stores - I'm not talking about the little ethnic markets that make all their money off cigarettes and liquor - real grocery stores where people buy food to feed their fucking families.
These places have a lot of people who just want to get in and out as soon as possible. People have just purchased something, so most of them should have a bit of money left over. The most important thing is you can "corner" people on the way out to their cars. There are only one or two store exits that people can use, and it's likely stores with two exits will lock one in the evening.
You might be tempted to 'spange at a shopping mall, but be warned: you won't get anywhere. There are more exits than you can cover, there are lots of angry employees and security guards, and real people don't frequent shopping malls. They're not buying real-life items like bread and tampons, they're shopping for expensive clothes and useless consumer goods. Plus, mall patrons tend to be indifferent assholes.
Your best bet is to sit near the exit - sitting is important, but more on that later - and ask people for money as they go out to their cars. If you drove to the place, it's best to park in some other safe, well-lit location, even if "gas money" is part of your story. You don't want people thinking your car is too nice. Or too punk.
The approach
First, you should be sitting on the curb. If you're standing or roaming around the parking lot asking people for money, people will get intimidated. They hate agressive panhandlers.
It's best to say, "Excuse me" until you get the person's attention. Don't feel like you have to shout to people, and avoid people your gut instict tells you will be rude beyond simply ignoring you.
You'll need to be polite, concise, and have a story - a good story, other than "I need a bag" or "I spent all my money on smack, and I'm starving to death". One lucrative approach is that you're stranded in town. You don't have enough gas to get to San Francisco, Seattle, or Portland. Keep it simple - don't say your car battery is dead or your transmission went out.
Practice saying this with mild chagrin: "Excuse me - I'm sorry to bother you, but we're trying to get back to (wherever). Do you have a dollar or any change that could help us out?"
If you're hitting up a guy for money, feel free to throw in a "sir". For women, "Miss" is okay. Never, ever use the word "ma'am". Regardless of age, women hate that shit.
It's hard to believe, but some people won't just throw money at you (although this does happen sometimes). They'll want to talk to you while they're digging around in their pockets, wallet or purse. They're never hard questions, but it's good to have your story straight if you don't have a knack for bullshit.
You're "visiting friends" in town. You're $12 short of enough gas to get where you want to go. If you keep the number around something like that, there's still the chance someone will give you five bucks. Saying you only need a buck or two is bad, because there's your gas money, and you're still hanging around the store.
As for attitude, don't be flippant, sarcastic, demanding, angry, depressing, psychotic, or anything else that gives people a reason to avoid you. You're a little bit nervous and embarrassed that it should come to you asking total strangers for gas money, just like this person would be if they were stranded in an unfamilliar town. Sympathy works, but it shouldn't be because you're sick.
Dress for the weather. Just don't alienate the locals - if this means not wearing your Bad Religion shirt with the crossed-out crucifix, so be it. If you have obvious track marks, wear a long sleeve shirt.
It's better if you don't approach the elderly or people with a lot of kids in tow - they actually need their money, and some elderly people are cagey and paranoid. Of course, you're not asking them for gas money just so your thug friends can sneak up behind them and beat them with a cricket bat, but they don't know that.
Security and employees
Security guards don't like it when you panhandle. They just want you to enter the store, buy something and get out. They're surly and have to be on their feet all day. Sometimes, they won't even warn you before they call the cops.
If a security guy is roaming the parking lot, don't panhandle. This doesn't mean you have to pack it up and move somewhere else. Just sit there and don't bother people like you're waiting for a ride. Don't eyeball the security guard or make loud, smartass comments about police academy dropouts to your friends. Most of these guys have no sense of humor.
Beware that some security guards will walk across the street and watch you from behind a truck. These people are taking their job far too seriously, and are the fuckers who will call the police without being so kind as to tell you to get the hell out.
Every store has a dozen security cameras pointed at the exits and the parking lot, but you shouldn't worry about these.
Another hazard is store employees. Although most of them won't confront you directly, there's a good chance they will inform the manager in an attempt to look good and maybe get a promotion - just like the Wal-Mart cashiers who tackle shoplifters in the parking lot. You know the type: "Look! I'm changing the world, even though I earn minimum wage, have no benefits, and live in a right-to-work state where I can be fired for blinking!"
The manager is almost always some hardass with delusions of grandeur.
If you see a store employee, it's best to ask them what time it is. If you've got a friend with you, ask them when you think your ride will get here. If you're alone, a simple "don't mind me, I'm waiting for my ride" will do. You now have a legitimate reason for loitering outside a store at midnight.
It's considered good form to go into the store and buy something if you plan on being there for an hour or two.
Other panhandlers
Other panhandlers are not your friends. In most cases, they won't try to help you, and there's nothing you can learn from them (except a few important "don'ts").
Another panhandler outside the same store will make you look bad, and increases the chance that the cops will be called.
When Emma and I were outside the Safeway, a fucking crackhead came into the lot with some paper towels and Windex and asked people if he could wash their windows for money - while they were entering the store.
This guy was scary, incoherent, and looked like shit - the very opposite of the very clean-cut kids who Must Get to Portland outside the store.
So, this scumfuck starts trying to make his money, scaring the hell out of whatever shoppers were at the store late at night. People don't want a crackhead touching their Lexus SUV. That's another obvious thing - don't touch people or their cars.
Emma was pissed about this guy. I took a more lighthearted attitute towards the situation, but then again, I'm not doing this to feed my habit.
Remember - you were here first, you were here first, you were here first. The guy may say he's been doing this for a year. He may say he earns $83 an hour. He may say he's starving or has eight children that have to live in bubbles. Hell, maybe he does, but keep in mind, you were here first, and you know how to panhandle effectively without freaking people out. You'll be able to stay here longer without drawing too much attention to yourself.
If the guy insists on staying, make sure you can ask people for gas money before he gets a chance to talk to them. You're in "genuine need", he's the drug addict. You can use this to make yourself look better, but if the guy gets too sketchy, it's better off to leave.
If you're panhandling with a friend, make sure you can trust them. This means make sure they're not the type of person who'll sit around, not do any of the work, and pocket money. Once you're skilled and confident at panhandling, you will get surprising results, and this might tempt some people. I don't know your friends and can't vouch for their honesty, you just need to use your best judgment here.
Dealing with Johns and Sexual Predators
(Note: "John" is a term for anyone trying to solict a street prostitute. Slang may vary in your country.)
This mostly applies if you're a female panhandler - eventually, someone will try to pay you for sex. I'm not going to go into the pros and cons of street prostitution, but it's dangerous work. Of course, not everyone cruising for sex is out to murder prostitutes or infect them with HIV for revenge purposes, but those people are out there. My advice is not to do it.
Emma told me of a guy who mistook her for some prostitute named Jessica. When Emma told the guy she wasn't Jessica, the guy offered $30 to fuck her. Since Emma has a bit of a violent streak, she chased the guy away with her shouted, "Do I look like a fucking prostitute?" rant.
This is especially disturbing because Emma's small enough to pass for a fourteen-year-old, if she wanted to.
There's a world full of sick perverts who'll park their vans with tinted windows across the street and masturbate while watching you panhandle. Most of the time, these people won't bother you while panhandling, but they can present a hazard while you're trying to leave.
You don't know what's going through these peoples' heads, and it can be one scary fuck to be followed back to the bus stop or your car. Some of these people are actual sexual predators, sometimes you'll get a retarded guy who doesn't know how to appropriately display affection. Either way, it's best not to stand around to find out.
The best thing to do is get the fuck away. If you're with a friend, stick with them and find another place with a lot of people. If you're alone, run like a madman to the nearest car that's occupied by a non-psychopath and ask for a ride with as much urgency as the situation warrants.
Emma always carries a small folding knife, and sometimes she has her dog with her - a playful, good-natured pit bull. You don't need to be armed while you panhandle, but if it makes you feel better to have something like this to rely on, by all means, carry it. Just don't be stupid and pull a knife on a competing panhandler or someone who simply thinks you're a hooker. In almost every case, you can win simply by putting enough distance between you and the next Ted Bundy - stabbing people leads to legal hassles, and hard-to-clean stains.
Remember - street people are unpredictable. People on a lot of drugs are unpredictable. Sex offenders are unpredictable. Don't stick around trying to kick their ass.
Agressive Panhandling
This is the exception to the "sitting" rule. When people are in their cars, they have their own personal space where you can ask them for money. They're free to drive away at any time, but most people will stop and listen if you're polite and stick to your little "needing gas" story.
Remember to maintain a bit of distance. Don't walk right behind them as they go up to their cars, don't bother them while they're putting groceries in the car, don't tap on their windows or do anything that could make them uncomfortable.
This is a great tactic for video rental places, gas stations, drug stores, and even fast-food restaurants. Just stay the hell out of the drive through lane while people are ordering or waiting to order their food. They're hungry and rude.
Conclusion
Emma, panhandling from 10 p.m. to 1 a.m., made enough money to pay me back my $20, plus a wad of cash she didn't bother to count. You may not get spectacular results every time, but keep at it. It's not unusual for her to make around $50 in a panhandling session. Emma is fucking amazing at panhandling, and with this guide, maybe you can be, too.
I've never used heroin, and I feel a bit uncomfortable asking how much David and Emma buy in a day. Still, it's good to see that they're not stealing, or not degrading themselves by selling their bodies or working at Taco Bell.
I wrote this for three reasons: One, because it's an informative little guide to make a bit of money in dire straights without ripping people off. Two, it's entertaining. Three, although you may be a casual drug user who can hold down a job, go to school, lead a normal life without facing 1-3 years for battery, there are people that aren't. That doesn't mean "the other half" are bad, evil, or a burden on society - some of them can maintain their habits without completely fucking up their lives. I've seen people who'd never touch heroin, meth or coke fuck up their lives without the aid of hard drugs - by drinking, partying too much, making bad decisions, or having a shit attitude about everything. These people aren't addicts, mentally ill, or wanted felons, and it wouldn't take much for them to clean themselves up a bit and take control of their lives. That's the real tragedy.
(Disclaimer: Names have been changed to protect the most kickass guilty people ever.)
(Disclaimer: If you feel your life is spiralling out of control due to drug use and poverty, do something about it - something constructive. Get some help, check into rehab, find an appropriate diety to give your life meaning. Just don't make a movie about it, unless it's different than "disenfranchised person gets addicted to drugs, bottoms out, then dies or does something with his life". We all know that story.)
This all started when Emma asked if she could borrow $20. When I asked her what it was for, she said it was for "something special". That meant heroin.
Emma and her husband David are heroin addicts. You wouldn't know it, except for the constricted pupils and unemployment. David can't work due to a felony warrant for almost beating someone to death, and Emma takes Cosmetology classes. Yes, I know those aren't "real" classes, but at least she has something going for her other than drugs.
Emma said she'd pay me back later that night - I believed that she could, because she's a fucking amazing panhandler. Everyone I know assumes that this is because she's tiny and non-threatening, but I know better. She's got this down to a science.
Location
You can't just sit your ass on a street with a lot of pedestrian traffic with a cardboard-and-Keno-crayon sign reading "Homeless, Please Help". People are already walking somewhere, so they have an excuse to ignore you. Mentioning that you're homeless or you need drugs gives people another excuse to ignore you. People with spare change can't relate to the fact you live on the streets or you need to avoid pesky withdrawls - they want to forget they ever saw you.
The best places are megastores like Wal-Mart or grocery stores - I'm not talking about the little ethnic markets that make all their money off cigarettes and liquor - real grocery stores where people buy food to feed their fucking families.
These places have a lot of people who just want to get in and out as soon as possible. People have just purchased something, so most of them should have a bit of money left over. The most important thing is you can "corner" people on the way out to their cars. There are only one or two store exits that people can use, and it's likely stores with two exits will lock one in the evening.
You might be tempted to 'spange at a shopping mall, but be warned: you won't get anywhere. There are more exits than you can cover, there are lots of angry employees and security guards, and real people don't frequent shopping malls. They're not buying real-life items like bread and tampons, they're shopping for expensive clothes and useless consumer goods. Plus, mall patrons tend to be indifferent assholes.
Your best bet is to sit near the exit - sitting is important, but more on that later - and ask people for money as they go out to their cars. If you drove to the place, it's best to park in some other safe, well-lit location, even if "gas money" is part of your story. You don't want people thinking your car is too nice. Or too punk.
The approach
First, you should be sitting on the curb. If you're standing or roaming around the parking lot asking people for money, people will get intimidated. They hate agressive panhandlers.
It's best to say, "Excuse me" until you get the person's attention. Don't feel like you have to shout to people, and avoid people your gut instict tells you will be rude beyond simply ignoring you.
You'll need to be polite, concise, and have a story - a good story, other than "I need a bag" or "I spent all my money on smack, and I'm starving to death". One lucrative approach is that you're stranded in town. You don't have enough gas to get to San Francisco, Seattle, or Portland. Keep it simple - don't say your car battery is dead or your transmission went out.
Practice saying this with mild chagrin: "Excuse me - I'm sorry to bother you, but we're trying to get back to (wherever). Do you have a dollar or any change that could help us out?"
If you're hitting up a guy for money, feel free to throw in a "sir". For women, "Miss" is okay. Never, ever use the word "ma'am". Regardless of age, women hate that shit.
It's hard to believe, but some people won't just throw money at you (although this does happen sometimes). They'll want to talk to you while they're digging around in their pockets, wallet or purse. They're never hard questions, but it's good to have your story straight if you don't have a knack for bullshit.
You're "visiting friends" in town. You're $12 short of enough gas to get where you want to go. If you keep the number around something like that, there's still the chance someone will give you five bucks. Saying you only need a buck or two is bad, because there's your gas money, and you're still hanging around the store.
As for attitude, don't be flippant, sarcastic, demanding, angry, depressing, psychotic, or anything else that gives people a reason to avoid you. You're a little bit nervous and embarrassed that it should come to you asking total strangers for gas money, just like this person would be if they were stranded in an unfamilliar town. Sympathy works, but it shouldn't be because you're sick.
Dress for the weather. Just don't alienate the locals - if this means not wearing your Bad Religion shirt with the crossed-out crucifix, so be it. If you have obvious track marks, wear a long sleeve shirt.
It's better if you don't approach the elderly or people with a lot of kids in tow - they actually need their money, and some elderly people are cagey and paranoid. Of course, you're not asking them for gas money just so your thug friends can sneak up behind them and beat them with a cricket bat, but they don't know that.
Security and employees
Security guards don't like it when you panhandle. They just want you to enter the store, buy something and get out. They're surly and have to be on their feet all day. Sometimes, they won't even warn you before they call the cops.
If a security guy is roaming the parking lot, don't panhandle. This doesn't mean you have to pack it up and move somewhere else. Just sit there and don't bother people like you're waiting for a ride. Don't eyeball the security guard or make loud, smartass comments about police academy dropouts to your friends. Most of these guys have no sense of humor.
Beware that some security guards will walk across the street and watch you from behind a truck. These people are taking their job far too seriously, and are the fuckers who will call the police without being so kind as to tell you to get the hell out.
Every store has a dozen security cameras pointed at the exits and the parking lot, but you shouldn't worry about these.
Another hazard is store employees. Although most of them won't confront you directly, there's a good chance they will inform the manager in an attempt to look good and maybe get a promotion - just like the Wal-Mart cashiers who tackle shoplifters in the parking lot. You know the type: "Look! I'm changing the world, even though I earn minimum wage, have no benefits, and live in a right-to-work state where I can be fired for blinking!"
The manager is almost always some hardass with delusions of grandeur.
If you see a store employee, it's best to ask them what time it is. If you've got a friend with you, ask them when you think your ride will get here. If you're alone, a simple "don't mind me, I'm waiting for my ride" will do. You now have a legitimate reason for loitering outside a store at midnight.
It's considered good form to go into the store and buy something if you plan on being there for an hour or two.
Other panhandlers
Other panhandlers are not your friends. In most cases, they won't try to help you, and there's nothing you can learn from them (except a few important "don'ts").
Another panhandler outside the same store will make you look bad, and increases the chance that the cops will be called.
When Emma and I were outside the Safeway, a fucking crackhead came into the lot with some paper towels and Windex and asked people if he could wash their windows for money - while they were entering the store.
This guy was scary, incoherent, and looked like shit - the very opposite of the very clean-cut kids who Must Get to Portland outside the store.
So, this scumfuck starts trying to make his money, scaring the hell out of whatever shoppers were at the store late at night. People don't want a crackhead touching their Lexus SUV. That's another obvious thing - don't touch people or their cars.
Emma was pissed about this guy. I took a more lighthearted attitute towards the situation, but then again, I'm not doing this to feed my habit.
Remember - you were here first, you were here first, you were here first. The guy may say he's been doing this for a year. He may say he earns $83 an hour. He may say he's starving or has eight children that have to live in bubbles. Hell, maybe he does, but keep in mind, you were here first, and you know how to panhandle effectively without freaking people out. You'll be able to stay here longer without drawing too much attention to yourself.
If the guy insists on staying, make sure you can ask people for gas money before he gets a chance to talk to them. You're in "genuine need", he's the drug addict. You can use this to make yourself look better, but if the guy gets too sketchy, it's better off to leave.
If you're panhandling with a friend, make sure you can trust them. This means make sure they're not the type of person who'll sit around, not do any of the work, and pocket money. Once you're skilled and confident at panhandling, you will get surprising results, and this might tempt some people. I don't know your friends and can't vouch for their honesty, you just need to use your best judgment here.
Dealing with Johns and Sexual Predators
(Note: "John" is a term for anyone trying to solict a street prostitute. Slang may vary in your country.)
This mostly applies if you're a female panhandler - eventually, someone will try to pay you for sex. I'm not going to go into the pros and cons of street prostitution, but it's dangerous work. Of course, not everyone cruising for sex is out to murder prostitutes or infect them with HIV for revenge purposes, but those people are out there. My advice is not to do it.
Emma told me of a guy who mistook her for some prostitute named Jessica. When Emma told the guy she wasn't Jessica, the guy offered $30 to fuck her. Since Emma has a bit of a violent streak, she chased the guy away with her shouted, "Do I look like a fucking prostitute?" rant.
This is especially disturbing because Emma's small enough to pass for a fourteen-year-old, if she wanted to.
There's a world full of sick perverts who'll park their vans with tinted windows across the street and masturbate while watching you panhandle. Most of the time, these people won't bother you while panhandling, but they can present a hazard while you're trying to leave.
You don't know what's going through these peoples' heads, and it can be one scary fuck to be followed back to the bus stop or your car. Some of these people are actual sexual predators, sometimes you'll get a retarded guy who doesn't know how to appropriately display affection. Either way, it's best not to stand around to find out.
The best thing to do is get the fuck away. If you're with a friend, stick with them and find another place with a lot of people. If you're alone, run like a madman to the nearest car that's occupied by a non-psychopath and ask for a ride with as much urgency as the situation warrants.
Emma always carries a small folding knife, and sometimes she has her dog with her - a playful, good-natured pit bull. You don't need to be armed while you panhandle, but if it makes you feel better to have something like this to rely on, by all means, carry it. Just don't be stupid and pull a knife on a competing panhandler or someone who simply thinks you're a hooker. In almost every case, you can win simply by putting enough distance between you and the next Ted Bundy - stabbing people leads to legal hassles, and hard-to-clean stains.
Remember - street people are unpredictable. People on a lot of drugs are unpredictable. Sex offenders are unpredictable. Don't stick around trying to kick their ass.
Agressive Panhandling
This is the exception to the "sitting" rule. When people are in their cars, they have their own personal space where you can ask them for money. They're free to drive away at any time, but most people will stop and listen if you're polite and stick to your little "needing gas" story.
Remember to maintain a bit of distance. Don't walk right behind them as they go up to their cars, don't bother them while they're putting groceries in the car, don't tap on their windows or do anything that could make them uncomfortable.
This is a great tactic for video rental places, gas stations, drug stores, and even fast-food restaurants. Just stay the hell out of the drive through lane while people are ordering or waiting to order their food. They're hungry and rude.
Conclusion
Emma, panhandling from 10 p.m. to 1 a.m., made enough money to pay me back my $20, plus a wad of cash she didn't bother to count. You may not get spectacular results every time, but keep at it. It's not unusual for her to make around $50 in a panhandling session. Emma is fucking amazing at panhandling, and with this guide, maybe you can be, too.
I've never used heroin, and I feel a bit uncomfortable asking how much David and Emma buy in a day. Still, it's good to see that they're not stealing, or not degrading themselves by selling their bodies or working at Taco Bell.
I wrote this for three reasons: One, because it's an informative little guide to make a bit of money in dire straights without ripping people off. Two, it's entertaining. Three, although you may be a casual drug user who can hold down a job, go to school, lead a normal life without facing 1-3 years for battery, there are people that aren't. That doesn't mean "the other half" are bad, evil, or a burden on society - some of them can maintain their habits without completely fucking up their lives. I've seen people who'd never touch heroin, meth or coke fuck up their lives without the aid of hard drugs - by drinking, partying too much, making bad decisions, or having a shit attitude about everything. These people aren't addicts, mentally ill, or wanted felons, and it wouldn't take much for them to clean themselves up a bit and take control of their lives. That's the real tragedy.
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