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Opioids oxycodone w/ds suck ?

Sasha, I know what you mean about lonely and sad in withdrawal. In some ways, it is the worst symptom because you can't see that things will ever get better with or without the drugs. I just feel numb to everything but not in a good way. Like I lost my soul and spirit, and in many ways I have.

I am a grown man late 20's and I break down and cry every day, several times in withdrawal. It is over real shit too, not just stuff I make up. Dark corners of my mind. Shit that opiates numb from me. It is god damned miserable, why was I born if this is what I am doing to myself. What I have become. Why did I go to engineering school if this is my miserable fate upon graduating. Fucked up my spine 6 months into my first job, they came to me with a legal agreement to sign saying I wouldn't sue them. I had taken a few days off to go to the hospital for my spinal pain because it was becoming extreme and they didn't have compassion, all they knew was that I was no longer performing like in the beginning. I was focussed on the back pain and nothing else, yet all I get is less than 50mg oxy daily after half a decade. I have lost faith in this country and if I ever make it in life I am getting right the fuck out of here to someplace that respects my disabiliy. I'm still traumatized by that shit... it was right before probation ended and my self esteem has never recovered. I see their point. They were better off with an engineer who doesn't have excruciating chronic spinal pain. Anybody is. That's why I no longer bother trying.

I'm fed up. I can't quit. My life is going nowhere. I usually sniff my dillies but I think I will finally shoot them once I'm home from this pointless vacation. I've had the rigs since last year, just couldn't bring myself to do it. Now, I can. I guess that is not too encouraging but I know I'm not alone. All I want is to be happy, and I can't unless I'm high on opiates.

Without opiates, I become a poly drug abuser. I've been popping meth and doing lines of C pretty much every day that I'm out of a strong opiate. This is new to me and it's not a good sign. It is reckless yet I still do it because it's self harm. I can't deal with the pain, emotional or physical.

Although, I popped 3 percocet earlier today and for a couple hours I forgot about everything and played my guitar and had fun, thought about the trip and was excited for it. I just took another 3 and I should feel the false sense of confidence and happiness kick in pretty soon. I am such a selfish fuck I can't even wait for it. I need to at least have something to sniff.

Whatever. I'm saving most of my meds for my trip so I can be semi-normal. It will be good for me, and if not I can always rush home early for a dilly shot. I'm pretty pissed that I'm a talented guitarist but I can only ever play anymore when I'm "high". I haven't been able to manage a shower lately, I cannot even keep myself well groomed in withdrawal. I took 60 milligrams of high grade etizolam the other day to deal with it.

I don't know why I thought abusing all those opiates would be okay in the end. I wasn't thinking straight. I was happy that finally, finally, finally, my back didn't hurt anymore. I still feel that way despite all this shit, it's my best chance at having any sort of life. I don't really get out of bed without opiates and I destroy all aspects of my life. Otherwise, I am normal, and I hide it quite well. I don't know how this horrific misery is not visible to my family and whatever friends I have left. Nobody seems to notice, until one day they will find my worthless body. I don't know where I am going with this but I'm pretty obviously clinically depressed. I should be able to smile soon for a few hours... shower and play some more hardcore music. My tolerance is a little lower. I don't know why I was so afraid of needles for so long... I'm not anymore. Not one bit. If I'm popping 60mg etizolam at a time, getting into coke and meth as I can't deal with the depression, I may as well hit myself with the dilaudid and not waste any.

What keeps me going is my younger brother. He is coming of age and I don't know him too well because I was kicked out of my house at a young age because I was smoking weed since I was depressed as far back as university. Kicked out in the middle of the freezing Canadian night without a chance to grab a sweater or coat. I'm just getting to know him now. All I know is I love him too much to end my life. It would really fuck his head up. He's all I care about and he's a better guitarist than I will ever be. He grew up watching me play. I don't want to leave him my guitars even though one of them is his all time favourite dream guitar. I just can't do that to him. I could give a fuck less about my parents who kicked me out to the streets when I was an eng student getting good marks, just because I was a fucking pothead. If only they knew what I'm up to these days. I at least want my little bro to know. That I couldn't take it anymore. He doesn't do drugs because he's smart. He saw how many problems they caused me and I'm just going to give him a hit of DMT when the time is right, since he is interested in those types of experiences. Fuck, do I ever get overly emotional in withdrawals... it's no wonder that I don't stop. I've known for a while that it's going to kill me though. I sniffed 50mg of heroin after a one month break the other day, and it was stronger than taking two crushed up 80's. It nearly killed me, my breathing was dreadfully shallow for several hours, but I just don't care anymore.
 
Shroomy, I am Canadian too. I hear you on the cold!! Im just getting to work for the night, but i am going to try and write you on my break. So many things you said are similar to me and my story. I am glad the lope helped, even if just a little bit. Anyways I better run as my shift starts shortly but keep your chin up and I'll check in a bit later.
 
That's cool you are Canadian too. I am so sick of this fentanyl bullshit in the news. I never use it myself, apart from the occasional medical grade 100ug sublingual tablet (which are so similar feeling to heroin it's scary, and pretty damn strong and euphoric even for my tolerance).

Well thanks for caring NorthernGirl. Few people do. Thanks so much, honestly. Lifted my spirits. This community seems really nice. I've been talking to a buddy from the states for a year now almost daily who I met on here. I'd like to get better at CWE with my percocet so that I can dose higher than 10 or 15mg at a time. I'd be interested in your story too since I don't really know too many Canadian opiate users / past users. I know chronic pain patients are getting screwed because of the rampant abuse - otherwise, I would be engineering shit right now. I'm in too much pain to work yet they don't give a fuck.

I am not always this miserable... I'm really really stressed about going to the beach. (?!). It's freezing rain here but yeah... beach panic is getting to me. It's just that I need those fucking drugs. I need them to so much as pack my bag and get to transit on time. I pretty much need them to get out of bed, to have any sort of quality of life. I'm going to do my absolute best to track down some dillies to take along with me so I don't have to suffer. Oh, would that be heavenly. Normally I'd grab heroin as that's the most cost effective but that's out of the question this time. I like 8mg dilaudid though, especially the brand name ones that don't have microcrystalline cellulose in them and can be sniffed without much damage. I am fucking fiending and it really, really sucks.

When I'm withdrawing from oxy's, cravings usually are not an issue. I feel like such shit, that I just lay there like a stupid fuckin zombie. I'm too weak to pursue more drugs, so if I ever run out I end up suffering through it until I'm strong enough in body and mind to drug seek.

What the fuck happened to me... I used to be normal, in university I smoked weed chronically for the depression and dropped acid and mushrooms but I was never really into this kind of stuff until my injury destroyed my whole entire life. It has been so long, it makes me depressed even to go see my friends who have healthy bodies. It's like... am I even human anymore? These people walk to work in the morning without having to worry about pills and excruciating, agonizing back pain.

And I never could have predicted this. I was just an athlete. I used to hit the gym 10 hours every week, run 10km three times a week, practice at least an hour of yin yoga daily, go on 700km cycling journeys to and from cities, swimming, hockey... I was really into athletics and thought I was invincible. One day after some heavy squats, I woke up in physical agony. I kept telling myself it would go away, and in doing so I didn't act quickly enough. The pain became chronic. I feel hopeless and I don't know how much more I can take. If I get some drugs soon at least I won't have to suffer and see my trip as a miserable thing to endure as opposed to a fun adventure meeting new friends, maybe a girl, and just enjoying myself on the beach. I'm so sick and tired of the pain. I can't even tell employers either or I get fired straight off the bat. I have to pass probation first and that's tough, like what if someone asks me to help them lift something and I shy away. It's weird to them because I look like a tall and strong young male but internally I'm fucking disabled and I come across as a total slacker when obviously I'm not considering my education. I've lost the ability to stand up for myself, to have confidence, to have energy and perserverence... unless I have the drugs. It's a hell of an existence and from working out too much? Trying to be healthy and look good? That's why I hate life and sniff dope. At least I can do a little yoga then, cycling, and keep fit.

Thanks again for caring. I couldn't keep my chin up so I took 20 milligrams of etizolam and at least I'm not stressed anymore. Another reason I need the real shit. I abuse the fuck out of benzos when I don't have it. I really should learn cold water extraction so my percs can once again become useful. I always spill the water, don't know how much water to use, freeze the water, don't filter it properly... something always goes wrong haha. I'm a nice guy at heart but years of unbearable suffering takes its toll.
 
KRATOM KRATOM and more KRATOM! LOL It may work differently for you but I was able to beat oxy/methadone with little to no withdrawls~! Saved my life! I was getting sick and tired of the w/drwl more pills w/drwl cycle. It was affecting my home life and work life. At my worst I was on 35mg oxy 4-5x a day and sometimes 25mg 4-5x a day of methadone if I couldnt get oxy. w/drwls started fast and started HARD CORE!
I have severe lower back issues and I am seeing a surgeon today about surgery. My pain got so bad I couldnt walk for days, dr's prescribe the pills but dont accommodate for tolerance and thus buying them was my only choice to supplement my scrips. After almost a year at this dose, I decided enough is enough! I did a ton of research on getting off them with out major w/drwl. I came accross Kratom. worth a shot, I found a head shop, (dont go there for Kratom) it worked a bit but research shows that head shops dont carry pure Kratom and frequently mix w/other things and doesnt work as well...ouch! I located an apothocary that carried Kratom powder (my fav)

Different kinds of Kratom with affect you differently- this link is the Kratom guide I used in selecting what to try it is only for research on Kratom not for purchasing you have to your own local research for that.;) http://ensobotanicals.com/kratom/

I found the white vein (borneo white my fav) helped the most with withdrawls, its like having an expresso and mimics the same effects I got from a perc so start slow to find your fit. 1-2tsp of powder. My addiction calls for 3tsp. Put it in orange juice (vitamin C helps it) it tates awful! LOL but in a pinch water works too. Shake it up well (its the consistancy of powder sugar)
Green vein helped throughout the day with a bit of an upper and pain relief (Bali Green my fav)
Red vein helps with anxiety and pain the best (Red Thai my fav)

You want to redose every 2hrs the first few days to stave off the w/drwls the best then gradually stretch out your doses. Day 1 I experienced some w/drwl and was really achey (like the flu) but I was able to keep from vomiting and still go to work. Day 2 my w/drwls were non existant and i've never felt better realizing I wasnt going to go through weeks of terrible pain/vomiting/diarrhea.

Its been 2 months since I used pills and my life and finances are slowly getting back to normal. I was spending $400-600/month on oxy/methadone and only spend about $300/month on Kratom and as I keep tapering off its going down.
The best thing about it is there is not a quick tolerance build up so I am still at only 3tsp 3-4x a day now. (I still have to manage pain) but w/drwls are nonexistant!!! WOOHOO!

Best of luck all!
 
So I nearly called off my vacation, to stay home and get a hit. A member of this community called me and talked me through it. I haven't been taking my meds and I was doing coke all day and I was off the wall about to call off a 1k+ vacation to get a fucking hit and be comfortable. I've started taking my meds, I'll take as many as I need to get to my destination and once I'm there, I'll have some lower doses to deal with. It won't be too bad once I'm there. It's the leaving that's tough as I think I have some agoraphobia. I've practically been having a total meltdown over this and it's just a nice vacation.

I've decided to go though. Thanks to my buddy who talked me through it. I will always regret what I chose not to experience, but I can't regret something I chose to do over nothing, or getting a fucking dilaudid hit. That can wait for when I'm back.

So yeah. The oxy withdrawals clearly suck if someone doesn't want to go from freezing cold up north to a beautiful beach just because it means tapering off and managing pill use. I still wish in many ways that I wasn't going, and that I'm trapped.
 
ShroomySatori said:
So I nearly called off my vacation, to stay home and get a hit. A member of this community called me and talked me through it. I haven't been taking my meds and I was doing coke all day and I was off the wall about to call off a 1k+ vacation to get a fucking hit and be comfortable. I've started taking my meds, I'll take as many as I need to get to my destination and once I'm there, I'll have some lower doses to deal with. It won't be too bad once I'm there. It's the leaving that's tough as I think I have some agoraphobia. I've practically been having a total meltdown over this and it's just a nice vacation.

I've decided to go though. Thanks to my buddy who talked me through it. I will always regret what I chose not to experience, but I can't regret something I chose to do over nothing, or getting a fucking dilaudid hit. That can wait for when I'm back.

So yeah. The oxy withdrawals clearly suck if someone doesn't want to go from freezing cold up north to a beautiful beach just because it means tapering off and managing pill use. I still wish in many ways that I wasn't going, and that I'm trapped.
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Hey Shroomy, I'm surprised you're still going hard! Glad you're still alive. Fuck dilaudid, IME it's a fleeting waste of a drug.
 
Shroomy, I am happy to hear you are still going on your trip! I think you would probably kick yourself in the ass more for not going after the fact too, so good for you!! You're probably reeling from not doing your meds and the coke - i haven't done coke in a long time but when I did it always made me depressed for days afterwards.. lately I stick to my script and luckily don't need to add anything extra on. Although some months I run out and then I usually just suffer through. The news of the fentanyl crisis here is pretty scary especially with all the young kids dying and it being laced into almost everything these days where I live. It pisses me off to no end. And its ruining things so much for people who have real physical pain. Are you going to have access to the Internet on your trip? I hope so. Sorry I haven't written in a couple days, I had a death in the family. My great uncle passed away and I had to take a quick trip back home. I am here if you want to talk anytime OK! Take your trip hour by hour if you need to, try not to overwhelm yourself and remember you can do whatever you put your mind to. Pretty soon you'll be basking in the sun!
 
Hey Shroomy! Yeah I hear you with it all. I've had vacations ruined, unneeded stress put on myself due to doing unprescribed drugs too close to my doc appt and then stressing that I could get tested. I did it again last weekend. I found a few codeine pills and tramadol and took them last Sunday and one dose Monday. It wasn't many and I have 9-10 days for them to clear my system before my doc appt ... but why would I even risk that? So dumb. And I suffer from anxiety and ran out of my meds so now when I can't sleep I stress that somehow those drugs won't be out of my system in time, even though that rational side of my brain knows it would be very rare. Drugs are fun but they become exhausting. We can all eventually get out of this place we are in. Suboxone might be the way. But with chronic pain it's such a bitch cause you need the meds but you are also addicted to it. How to find the balance? I dont know. But I DO know that you're not alone. I'm right there with you and a lot of others are too. This is a great board to come to when you're feeling hopeless. There is hope... it's just hard to feel it some days... but it's there.
Try to avoid H. It's gonna just make it all so much worse. Easier to say than do, I know.

Kratom helps a lot and Imodium is a miracle. It really helps.
If you can, try to enjoy your vacation. Even if you feel like crap, you may be able to get into a groove and maintain an ok level. Check in and let us know how you're doing! I'll be sending you good vibes! :)
 
gmlifer said:
Pretty common story around here. I myself also run out early month after month. I usually run out after 10 days then the balancing act begins. I find that the brain gets pretty pissed off about it when you go from 120ish mg of oxy a day down to zero. Sometimes I'm able to find something and the rest of the time I cope by taking kratom. What a wonderful life we live!

Btw even after several years of this roller coaster I still can't walk away from them. Wtf!
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yup that's basically my story (and my husband's) month after month after month. It's awful and yet I can't turn away from my doctor appt when I can get my refill again. It's awful cause once you're off for two weeks or so, it's like, maybe I should keep going! But the reality of it is im not ready yet. It's so exhausting. My body hates me. At least I'm not the only one who can't manage their pain meds... it makes me feel less alone, although I truly don't wish this on anyone.
 
Hey, Sasha and northern girl and CfZrx. I am just updating this again as my vacation is doing what it was intended to do. Force me through acute withdrawal. It is truly hell to be im such a beautiful place and feel like complete shit. You know you're an addict when you just want to go home to the land of ice and snow because it would ,ean a handful of stronger pills. This ismday five or six, so I'm starting to come around mentally, not so much physically yet. I'm getting some magnesium and potassium today, to see kf that will help the aches and the pains if I take the max vitamin dose while I am here. I am having a lot of trouble with sleep amd just had the strangest paranoid nightmare ever. Wish I had brought my dream journal.

so it has been an emotional rollercoaster. At times I wished I was dead. At no time so far have I actually had the drive or energy to do anything. But this morning seems different.

when I ger home it will be a choice. I already know what that choice will be, but I will have at least endured the withdrawal and lowered my tolerance. Hope you are well everyone who helped me with the messages.
 
CfZrx said:
Hey Shroomy, I'm surprised you're still going hard! Glad you're still alive. Fuck dilaudid, IME it's a fleeting waste of a drug.
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How do you administer it? I find with a low tolerance, it is probably the best high to me after H. It has the most dimished returns of all though.. almost like mdma. I experienced what I'd describe as Satori oe Nirvana for 6 hours but it wasn't functional like oxy. It was a rush of pleasure and serene relaxation with a mind that wasn't numb or stupid, but empty and vast. It only seems to work like that once every few days. I had the best high of my life off oral dilaudid, pretty random (that's what I was just describing). I had a habit of chasing the high but say I get high off sniffing 8mg. I can do 32mg later in the day and I will barely feel it. Oxy isn't like that I can keep the high and pain relief going to an extent.

so just an update after one week of hell I finally feel normal again. Oxy wd's are fucking horrendous. Now I am tapering quickly from 80mg to 40mg but it won't be bad. I could never ration my pills like this btw if it was H and probably not with dilaudid either. I'd run out cold turkey, I have a much better grip on the oxy.

so I am doing well. I'll take 15mg less the following two days, and then drop another 10mg and recover at 40mg before I get home. I have magnesium, potassium, vitamin B complex, melatonin, good coffee (a decent speed replacement haha) and sleepytime tea. I should be good! I'm really enjoying myself too. Tanlines after a few days : p. ... I think the sun helps so much for a northern guy.

Was I ever im a dark place... the worst of it is over now. Just need to make sure to at least not use H when I'm home. I could always handle the odd dilaudid with my oxy's but once I hit the H I lose all control. I had to run away this time. I don't ever want to use it again and the key to that is constantly reminding myself how bad it is running out. I'll write in ky journal too. I can use painkillers for back pain not dope, that's more for escaping all forms of pain and therefore life itself. I'm really happy that I ran away to do this now : )

It's nice to have a lower tolerance now. I can feel 15mg oxy pretty good. Last week I couldn't at all, wouldn't even keep me out of withdrawal. Sorry for typos I'm not on a comp but yeah, my body was screaming and swearing at me for leaving home but now I understand why I did this : )
 
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ShroomySatori said:
How do you administer it? I find with a low tolerance, it is probably the best high to me after H.
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Well, mostly IV, although my first opiate experience was sniffing a 4mg iirc. I never considered doing it oral. That's probably the bomb :)
 
I wamt to kill myself in withdrawal, it's not the withdrawal. I hate to see the failure that I am, and I wish I was dead. That sucks... you're not supposed to die before thirty but I've always had an aversion to aging. I'll be cremateed pretty soon but I have a lot of dope to shoot first.

/ thats how I've felt for most of this trip. My spirits are lifting now, but with that comes a slew of other symtpoms like panic attacks. I'm really having trouble enjoying myself at all, and I cannot wait to get home and start doing more serious opiates again. The withdrawal has pretty much ruined my trip but I'm trying to make the best of it. My back hurts like hell. This will pass soon enough, and I'll be home and high. It's too bad that I can't make the most of things. I've enjoyed thr beach a little but being sick and depressed is such a drag. I know as soon as I get home and get a hit I will have mixed emotions. (Why? Why couldn't you just have fun? Why didn't you meet anyone? Why did you dream of getting home the whole time? The hit the hit the hit oh fuck yes what you've been waiting for it's even better than you expected it to be...)The panic attacks I get (pre-exisiting) after dope sick are absolutrly horrendous.
 
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CfZrx said:
Well, mostly IV, although my first opiate experience was sniffing a 4mg iirc. I never considered doing it oral. That's probably the bomb :)
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I am going to shoot one up when I get home. I have everything but a wheel filter. I tried before but I missed. I have been somsick this whole trip. I've managed to have a decent time I guess, but I'm just not myself. I'm really depressed and before that I was a zombie, couldn't even really think for five days. Now, I feel like I'm waking up ajd I don't want to. I'm having panic attacks now even with the valium and etiz. I've never shot up but I've decided that it's time. I'm down to anywhere from 40 to 60mg oxy which still leaves me feeling like complete shit, and I am going to shoot an 8 to start.

i actually rushed off 8mg oral dilaudid before and experienced Nirvana for 6 hours followed by a week of severe depression. I wasn't even trying to get high (obviously, or I wouldn't have taken them orally for the first and omly ti,e ever) - I was substituting a 20mg oxy dose while tapering simce I was running low and I had been at 40mg for like a month so I was doing okay physically but me tally a wreck. That led to relapse. I've quit for long enough periods of time or lowered my dose enough to know that I am personally scarred for life by my use. This time, I will certainly be trying to get high as the weeks off getting high are driving me bananas.

My first real opiate high was off 1mg dilaudid sniffed. One of the best afternoons of my life. It made me realize Imhad the heroin dose wrong, so I went back to that and realied I loved the high. I had already tried it before that and decided I didn't like it. I could also get high off 2.5mg oxy at first, like really high... and for several months it stayed that way... being such a lightweight at first was kinda how I initially justified my use so easily. My tolerance of course is insane now, but after a few weeks of suffering I can at least feel 15mg oxy ever so slightly. Of course, it will skyrocket upwards again but I don't really care. Just want to be normal, feel human, be able to think, create, smile, laugh again. I'm really depressed and I gotta snap out if it before I look back and am like man, you were in paradise and sort of wasted it... I'm really upset that it has got this bad. So upset that I want to keep using because I can't handle the shame and the guilt. I just don't feel normal without my opiates, I have BPD so that's one reason why... it's tough living with borderline disorder and opiates treat all the symptoms. I haven't self harmed, like cutting in a really long time since I've been high. Having chronic pain this bad doesn't help either. I don't have good health to go back to at all, it is very discouraging but so long as I have my fix I don't even think about this shit. I think about my guitar and career! Totally functional addict and I think it should just be made legal so that I can stop wasting so much money to feel normal.
 
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Sorry for the delay Shroomy - it saddens me to hear you are suffering ? are you back home now in Canada? Where I live we are having a huge storm and flights are cancelled all over.. I wish I could help you out more than just telling you to NOT give up. Bc these thing do pass. I hear you about being depressed tho. I feel that way too these days but I keep telling myself that it will pass and thst spring is right around the corner. What will you do when you get home? Hopefully you at least managed to get a tan?! ?
 
Hey! It's been rough but like my buddy Mike said you're in survival mode dude. I've been enjoying myself more than I make it sound but I mean... depression like this is just hell. Not today though. Today is going really well, I just finished my yin yoga practice and finally smiled at the cute brunette girl who isn't staying with any friends either snd also looks sorta bored across the street with her grandma snowbird too. Anyways... just for today I am high and it's just great. I'm heading to the beach now and ohhhh it's such a relief. Such a relief to be the good old me.

Yep I already have tanlines! I'm just heading to the beach just about for my two hour walk out to the pier. My tolerance is dropping much faster than normal down here from all the health and especially activity. In wd if you do not just sit around and actually do stuff, recovery is so much faster. I ate 40 raw oysters one day and that has to be some sort of record.


So when I get home I have ten dilaudid 8's which I'll likely sniff as I don't kniw what the hell Imm doing when it comes to syringes. I'll grab some more extras, and get going with my career life. I want to get into either fiber optics, green energy like photovoltaic cells, or nuclear energy. Nothing is improving and I don't have the time to waste being sick like this. It's no way to live and I land a job like that I'll be able to afford my habit. I'm not interested in recovery at all, not in the slightest, but my tolerance is so low now and I like to keep it that way. I want to recover in other ways than just stop taking opiates. There is so much else I need to be working on. I'd like to keep off the H, stick to my oxy's, and sniff the odd dilaudid instead of getting outta control with heroin. Recovery to me, means using for pain while still getting a little but remaining functional. It means having a technical job in my field, money to spend, maybe a good girlfriend. Just enjoying life, keeping a healthy lifestyle.


I counted my pills and realized I could get really high today. 60mg oxy and 40mg diazepam in the morning. So more than my daily allowance all at once, while I'm here. And some etizolam haha, around 5mg. Ifeel just... well just happy : )


I'm high for the first time in weeks, I've been practicing yin yoga all morning and it's time to hit up the brautiful beach where there are lots if happy people, and cute girls on spring break. What a wonderful day! And such a change of attitude and optimism. It sucks I let it get this awful since I contemplate suicide in withdrawal now even tapering. But today is just lovely and I really have to make the best of these times because I'm for the most part miserable. Not today by any means though : ). I'm on vacation in paradise I should be enjoying myself, and today I absolutely will be. I feel wonderful and so far I've been toughing it out. Forcing myself to do things the whole time I am here. Today will be special though it's not even 11am and my meds were ER extras I had. I'll be feeling absolutely lovely all day and perhaps I'll make some new friends and socialize. I've been feeling too dead inside to do that but damn, that's all I gotta say. Damn it feels good to get a hit after an extended period of withdrawal.


When I get home, I won't be so sedentary. This trip will change me, it will kick start my energy levels and motivation. Low tolerance too and must staying away from heroin, pills don't fuck me up like that shit. It will be hard to keep away from it but I think I can do it and stick to oxy anx dilly.


Thanks for the message! I happen to like my doctor by the way. I don't think doctors are just drug dealers. Chronic pain is an extremely complex health problem, it's different for everyone and notoriously challenging to treat. People in chronic physical agony need relief and I don't know... without the opiates my mental health quickly corrodes and the bacj pain makes me want to kill myself. I get that people use these things exclusively to get high and that complicates things even further for those whi need real treatment. My spine is totally fucked from far too many athletics growing up. I used to hit the gym 10 hrs a week, go for 10km runs three ti,es week, daily yoga, swimming, and 700km cycling adventures over several days. I had to give everything up but whe I'm on ixy I can at least ride ky bike kaybe 30km max, and practice yin yoga too to keep fit. I need some of those meds even if I do get high on them sometimes and I'm working on acceptance as I used to be an intense athlete and never ever saw this coming. I can't get out if bed without an opiate so obviously I'm gointo use them, just hopefully with a little more control in the future. Mainly by eschewing heroin from my life, especially when I have a good job again and can afford them dillies I like.


So thanks for the support. I'm not suffering so much at this point. It was just awful at first but now my mood is neutral - excluding today... I'm really going to make the most of this wonderful day and most def work on my tan. I get brown like an indian : p
 
So happy to read youre having a good day and enjoying the sunshine! -19 here and major snow storm underway. We have about 20cms so far and much more on the way. Yuck! I wish you safe travels home whenever you head out... please try not to go the iv/ syringe route Shroomy. No judgements here by any means tho, but that is likely a road youd regret taking. Plus, youre doing so well - probably better than you think, since youve managed to taper yourself and have gone on a big adventure - complete w cute girls in bikinis! ;) anyways, enjoy your evening! I am heading out to try and clear off my car - oh yay! Lol
 
I heard there was a huge accident on one of our highways like an hour ago... check the news. Sounded pretty serious.

Yeah like I don't really know wtf I'd do with a syringe haha. I wouldn't hesitate to have someone I trust hit me but I don't hang out with people who do that. It is weird in a way, that it almost makes me feel inferior even as am addict. Dabbing shatter was hard enough to master on my own lol. I've yet to OD in five years though and I've sure sniffed a lot of dope, and I'd like to keep it that way. I dream of shooting up, but it's kind of unrealistic when I have no real idea what I'm doing. I tend to be very cautious actually and I don't see myself really anle to do thatnto myself without like a nurse educating me

When I get home I might try mda for the hell of it. Always with the extra m but never actual mda. More drugs isn't really what I need right now, but I haven't rolled in a year and a half.

I'm trying to find some weed now haha. I'm sure it would be shit quality and massively overpriced. But I haven't smoked since September and it would keep me sane until I get home. I like to sniff my dillies, and I have 8mg ones at home, quite a few too so those will rock me after all this. And brand name too, so no microcrystalline cellulose in them (makes a huge difference).

The weed would help soooo much. Cute girls yep, but I wish I were not so shy. O was hoping to meet someone but that's okay. Makes me sad though. I guess self esteem issues are almot a sort of prerequisite for these types of addictions. I really have to watch my pill intake after today until I get home, so weed would be just great. Grrr I rarely smoke anymore but some low grade pot would actually be super relaxing right now. Someone accidentally served me an alcoholic bloody mary earlier, and I freaked out. Haven't had a drink in several years and that's one thing I refuse to touch. I became furious and in my opinion, rightfully so. I used to binge in that shit and it fucked my body up worse than anything. They didn't really understand, it was just awkward and ruined my dinner. When I ask for a virgin drink and emphasize the zero alcohol part, I expect to be taken seriously. I', pissed that a sip of that poison entered my body, but I noticed right away and had a panic attack that I'm still calming down from.
 
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