Stuck_x
Bluelighter
Ok this is the third time ive posted (stupid newbie & the wrong forums?) So im hoping its third time lucky for the replies....
Im not really sure what I expect this will achieve but im hoping it helps in some way.
A bit of background... My mom was an addict & eventually OD'd in 2008. She was an addict all through my childhood from the age of 6ish.
You'd have thought seeing her suffer would keep me away. Not so much.
I spent all of my teens popping pills, sniffing coke blah blah I would say my problems with opiates/oids started around 5 years ago when my 5 year abusive relationship got too much. After a year of 'dabbling' i ended the relationship & got on subutex maintenance.
My first withdrawal wasabout may of 2014, i decided to take a job in the Middle East & obviously needed to get off the shit. Long story short, the experience lasted 3 months & i came home. Stupidly started smoking H again 'to treat myself'
Decided enough was enough & stopped in feb 2015.
March i found out i was pregnant & managed my mental health issues with counselling & fluoxetine (prozac)
Had my beautiful baby girl in November & was the happiest ive ever been.
December 30th 2015 was the worst day of my already shit life. I lost my baby girl to SIDS. I wanted to go with her, had it planned to the very last detail.
So started my H smoking again. 4bags a day the highest ive ever done. This went on for about 6 weeks before I thought enough was enough. Done a rapid subutex taper as well as takingg my prescribed lorazepam (ativan) it was horrible, something ive never experienced before complete with hallucinations.
I became terrified of the lorazepam (think i withdrew from that but after only 6 weeks use)
So, i ended up in the psyc office & told them every thing. I need to mention my mom & brother are diagnosed bipolar. I was prescribed quetiapine(seroquel) a low does of 50mg as i was going to thailand the following week. The initial appointment was with a nurse, ill see the psyc in a couple of weeks but it's likely to be a bipolar diagnosis & they'll likely want to up the meds (which I doubt ill be taking as i only take 25mg as it is as im terrified of being on them indefinitely or enduring their withdrawals)
So, i got through thailand with alcohol & approximately 1mg subutex inthe 2 weeks which i hadnt taken for 5 days when i got home. Then i was really stupid. I started taking oxycodone. It varies, between 20-70mg a day, mostly averaging 30 & its been 2 weeks on Wednesday. I know i will have to withdraw again as about 18 hours after my last dose the yawning, aches & snottiness begins.
I know i need this shit out of my life again but it really helps my anxiety, depression & gives me energy to do things, even getting out of bed.
The physical withdrawal still very much scares me but more so i think is staying away after. I am very much grieving the loss of my beautiful girl & still have times i wish i had gone with/instead of her. I have tried to throw myself into my spirituality, going to church, development groups, reading & seeing various people for readings etc but its not enough. I see the pysc in a couple weeks & hopefully will get some counselling or CBT.
Anyway, sorry for the long post. Like i said at the start, i dont know exactly what im hoping to achieve with this post, but I know i spend the majority of my days reading through the forum & admire people here so much. I guess im looking for success stories/peoples advice?
Im considering going to a drug clinic again and seeing if there are any NA meetings in my area. The thing stopping me is that my psyc want work with me if im using & i am very much aware my mental health issues are the reason for my use.
Anyway, thanks for reading if you're still here. Looking forward to hearing some of your experiences/advice xx
Im not really sure what I expect this will achieve but im hoping it helps in some way.
A bit of background... My mom was an addict & eventually OD'd in 2008. She was an addict all through my childhood from the age of 6ish.
You'd have thought seeing her suffer would keep me away. Not so much.
I spent all of my teens popping pills, sniffing coke blah blah I would say my problems with opiates/oids started around 5 years ago when my 5 year abusive relationship got too much. After a year of 'dabbling' i ended the relationship & got on subutex maintenance.
My first withdrawal wasabout may of 2014, i decided to take a job in the Middle East & obviously needed to get off the shit. Long story short, the experience lasted 3 months & i came home. Stupidly started smoking H again 'to treat myself'
Decided enough was enough & stopped in feb 2015.
March i found out i was pregnant & managed my mental health issues with counselling & fluoxetine (prozac)
Had my beautiful baby girl in November & was the happiest ive ever been.
December 30th 2015 was the worst day of my already shit life. I lost my baby girl to SIDS. I wanted to go with her, had it planned to the very last detail.
So started my H smoking again. 4bags a day the highest ive ever done. This went on for about 6 weeks before I thought enough was enough. Done a rapid subutex taper as well as takingg my prescribed lorazepam (ativan) it was horrible, something ive never experienced before complete with hallucinations.
I became terrified of the lorazepam (think i withdrew from that but after only 6 weeks use)
So, i ended up in the psyc office & told them every thing. I need to mention my mom & brother are diagnosed bipolar. I was prescribed quetiapine(seroquel) a low does of 50mg as i was going to thailand the following week. The initial appointment was with a nurse, ill see the psyc in a couple of weeks but it's likely to be a bipolar diagnosis & they'll likely want to up the meds (which I doubt ill be taking as i only take 25mg as it is as im terrified of being on them indefinitely or enduring their withdrawals)
So, i got through thailand with alcohol & approximately 1mg subutex inthe 2 weeks which i hadnt taken for 5 days when i got home. Then i was really stupid. I started taking oxycodone. It varies, between 20-70mg a day, mostly averaging 30 & its been 2 weeks on Wednesday. I know i will have to withdraw again as about 18 hours after my last dose the yawning, aches & snottiness begins.
I know i need this shit out of my life again but it really helps my anxiety, depression & gives me energy to do things, even getting out of bed.
The physical withdrawal still very much scares me but more so i think is staying away after. I am very much grieving the loss of my beautiful girl & still have times i wish i had gone with/instead of her. I have tried to throw myself into my spirituality, going to church, development groups, reading & seeing various people for readings etc but its not enough. I see the pysc in a couple weeks & hopefully will get some counselling or CBT.
Anyway, sorry for the long post. Like i said at the start, i dont know exactly what im hoping to achieve with this post, but I know i spend the majority of my days reading through the forum & admire people here so much. I guess im looking for success stories/peoples advice?
Im considering going to a drug clinic again and seeing if there are any NA meetings in my area. The thing stopping me is that my psyc want work with me if im using & i am very much aware my mental health issues are the reason for my use.
Anyway, thanks for reading if you're still here. Looking forward to hearing some of your experiences/advice xx
