Thanks Mod and Thanks Cook and thanks Entheo....
All this time i have been drinking while on the medication... most of the time... Oxazepam and Hydromorphone.. I do not use the Hydro anymore... ( was prescribed for my pain ) ...
Right now i use wellbutrin and oxa.
The wellbutrin does nothing i find. i am at max dosage.
The oxa, not sure it does much although it must do something because i feel mad WD symptoms if i try to stop.
I have an unbelievable time trying to concentrate. I believe i may have ADD. It is impossible for me to focus on something for more than X amount of minutes or to see something completely through to the end.
I had a great career for 12 years with the same company in IT security and admin... and just lost it... i have lost everything...
today i feel the pain.. the hurt... the loss... i can never concentrate.. the meds i do take don't seem to help.. i am never happy... ( dysthimia ) literally i never feel joy i just exist... when someone asks me if i want something or this or that for dinner... the answer is always I DONT CARE. i never care... I'm fed up of not caring.. of not feeling the emotion they call joy or happiness...
perhaps the alcohol addition is a form of self medication.. a synergy amongst the alcohol and perhaps low dose of medication which allows me to feel somewhat better and mre relaxed ( not happy though ).
man im messed up, my life is messed... everything is messed up..
( Entheo think proxy... or TOR. Perhaps even relay....

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