Overcoming Petty Jealousy

[infectedmushroom]

Hi guys.

I've been with my girlfriend for about 8 months now and things are going great.

The biggest problem I have is that when I think about her past lovers I get jealous. Its so petty and stupid, but telling myself so and trying to "get over it" doesn't seem to work.

Funnily, I'm not jealous of her ex, or when she talks to other people in bars, etc. it's just in instances where I'm reminded of her other partners (which might be seeing their profile pop up on Facebook or simply staring out the window on bus - it kind of sneaks up on me.)

What can I do to manage these feelings? I try to recognise them for what they are and not let them interfere in the relationship (and I don't think they do) but I'd rather find a healthy way to be a bit more secure in myself so I don't have to feel them at all.

Cheers.

EDIT: I should add that we do a lot of D/S BDSM play which probably adds to the difficulty because we've created a very strong sexual bond and intimacy and use concepts like possession and ownership as a form of kink.

 

[stovepipe]

Jealousy is a very tough thing to overcome. Ive had since my very first girlfriend. It caused problems in most all my relationships. But this past one ,it caused more bad than any previous relationship. Mainly because she had a lot of guy friends, would go out drinking with just them, no girls, and always would get hit on. Sometimes, out of no where, I had a "I dont care attitude", no idea where it came from, or how to hold on to it. When i felt that way everything awesome. Didn't let anything bother me or get me jealous. That type of attitude would only last a couple weeks then back to my ol ways.

Wish I knew to make that type of attitude permanent. Cause not caring or giving a shit is what truly makes one happy in life. Wish i could tell you how to control it. I guess if you ever start to get jealous about something, make yourself aware of it and try your hardest to let it go. The faster you make yourself aware, the faster you can let it go. Good luck buddy

 

[Cdkman]

the jealousy of other guys is directly related to your insecurities..u get mad because U think they might of satisfied her better than u..it's really something that has gone away as I've gotten older I just don't care as much about anything anymore.i am more secure because im less competitive in my Old age..29 also I know if I love a girl the fastest way to tarnish that love is getting mad at her for things she did before she met me..

 

[pofacedhoe]

you dont control or own a persons past. you can only be part of their future. the past is the past. your feeling threatened and insecure but why?

 

[Exelmans1958]

I can relate. I was blissfully ignorant about my Wife's previous sex partners, until her friends and family began to "fill me in" so to speak. I know myself well enough to know that I will never get over it. The key is to never ever bring it up. Just be a better man, and continue to excell at life and treat her as your greatest treasure, never being judgemental about sex, but always being red pill alpha and cool about everything. Marry her and excell at being her White Knight.

 

[infectedmushroom]

I can relate. I was blissfully ignorant about my Wife's previous sex partners, until her friends and family began to "fill me in" so to speak. I know myself well enough to know that I will never get over it. The key is to never ever bring it up. Just be a better man, and continue to excell at life and treat her as your greatest treasure, never being judgemental about sex, but always being red pill alpha and cool about everything. Marry her and excell at being her White Knight.

Thank you for the constructive advice. This is conclusion i'm arriving at the more I think about it. Really, it's completely irrational and stupid, and by letting it go i'll become a better man.

 

[Exelmans1958]

This I found on Quora, and it has helped me tremendously:
How do I stop thinking about my girlfriend's ex?
I have world's greatest girlfriend for me. She is awesome and I love her a lot. She's the first one whom I got into a relationship with, but she had a boyfriend whom she dated for almost two years. They had physical relationship, and my girlfriend is very honest about that, which I highly appreciate. However, I am not able to stop thinking about the fact that she was physically involved with someone before me. The moment we get intimate, it reminds me that she has been intimate with someone else before. She has removed him from Facebook (though her ex still tries to connect with her), she has told me that all she cares about is me, and that I am her present and future. But somehow, I am not able to forget the fact that I am not the first one. This stresses me out, and upsets us sometimes. What should I do? Please help, I really love her.
5 Answers

Sanjay Sabnani, Graduate of Just Friends University.
Updated 18 Dec 2013
Thank you for the A2A. Reading your question makes me smile because I was like you when I was 19 and first started dating my (now) wife. Thankfully I figured out how to manage my jealousy, or I could have missed out on the past 23 years of being together. I would also have missed out on my three wonderful children. The good news is that this is fixable.

Acknowledging that you have a problem is the first step on the road to recovery.You are not the first insecure boyfriend who is insecure about his girlfriend and you will not be the last.

The key is to keep making progress against your fears, but without treating your girlfriend poorly whenever you have an attack of jealousy.

She is not at fault in this in any way. It is entirely your problem and it exists only in your head.

I am emphasizing the above point because it is essential that you talk to your girlfriend and explain to her that you understand this is not her fault, it is your own issue and you would like her help in dealing with it. Explain how you love her and that you appreciate her honesty about her prior relationship, but also tell her that it makes you feel like maybe he was better than you. This is the only reason you are jealous, because her ex might have been more of a man than you are. I am not saying that this is true, but this is what your mind is thinking.

Often when we find the love of our lives, we sabotage it by believing we are not good enough, that our love is accidental, that she only loves us because somebody better wasn't available. LOL this is rubbish. Whether or not God is real, love definitely is and it is a very hard emotion to fake.

Your girlfriend loves you. You either know that to be true or you are too clouded by jealousy to accept this. Try accepting that she loves you and only you right now. Then ask yourself what she sees in you and try to see those things in yourself. Try to make yourself proud of those attributes and try your best to love those things about yourself. Now ask yourself what she dislikes about you? Start with your neediness and jealousy. Now ask yourself how you can minimize those emotions so that you do not have self doubt about her love any more.

Stop asking her to prove herself to you or to defend that she does not love her ex any more. She has told you the truth and you need to accept it.

To summarize:
1. This is all you, not her.
2. Love is hard to come by and easy to lose.
3. She either loves you now or she doesn't. He has nothing to do with that.
4. If she loves you then maximize and appreciate what she loves about you while minimizing what she dislikes about you.
5. Become better at life so your confidence increases.
6. Love yourself.

Become the man she fell in love with and not a little boy who is insecure and jealous. Work on yourself by researching jealousy, insecurity, and self-esteem so you can master these potentially destructive emotions.
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