Outcast in Recovery

[InnocentlyNaive]

Ive been struggling with addiction long before i started using drugs but when I was 16 is when I lost myself to crystal meth. It was love at first sight, ive been trying ever since I was 18 to get & stay clean but something draws me back in time and time again. I got to the point where I'm miserable when I get high, all i want to do is be sober again but then once im a week or two clean, I get so frustrated with the intense craving that I convince myself that it will fix all my problems & make me happy, but it never does. Deep down I know it but im so lost in life that I just don't care. I used to go to NA meetings which helped me stay clean for almost a year but then that little voice in the back of my head started up again, and it was all downhill from there. I was in and out of jail twice, did two residental treatment programs and REALLY wanted to stay clean...I just dont know what happens...every time, I end up trying to just do it once and be done, which i KNOW better...it cant be done. Not by me anyway. I feel so lost, embarrassed, ashamed. I start contemplating suicide when I think about how much I struggle, it will be a never ending battle, and I just sink deeper and deeper everytime I go back out and start using. Im very socially ackward and have horrible social anxiety around more than two people at a time, It got alot worse this past year and I cant sit through an NA meeting with 70 other people...I get myself so worked up, its not even worth going. Plus people avoid me like the plague because I have gotten so many white key tags. Ugh. I feel like ill never be happy, using, or clean. Either way im miserable & dread waking up every day. I dont know what the f* *k my problem is....Im so tired of this vicious cycle.
~

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey IN and im sorry you're struggling.

Addiction is one big mind fuck.. Its a giant manipulation. Once we are able to start seeing how it works, it loses its power. Once we can recognize and see all its puppet strings we no longer get plaid.

When we relapse we need to look at and address our recovery plans. If you want to share your recovery plan, how you have adjusted it, and the details of some of your relapses then people may be able to help you shore up you recovery and help you implement behavior and thinking that will tackle the relapsing.

Dealing with addiction is hard. Your doing great so dont beat yourself up

Here are a few good threads about addiction and some good ones about paws.

The Brain and Addiction
Addiction Guide
SMART Recovery (Support Group information and discussion)

You are going to have to find a way to reset or slip out of the addictive cycle and when you find this you will no longer relapse.

As far as meeting new people.. I would really REALLy incorporate forms of aerobic exercise into you recovery plan. Four to five days a week is what I do and the gyms are good places to meet new people. Volunteering is also a great way to meet new people and get your thoughts off your own problems. Smart meatings might be something you may consider as well.

PAWS LINKS
Why We Don’t Get Better Immediately: Post-acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS)
Post Acute Withdrawal (PAW) Excerpted From “Staying Sober” By: Terence T. Gorski
Post-acute-withdrawal syndrome Wiki

Exercise and Brain Neurotransmission
Neurobiology of Exercise
Aerobic Exercise
Exercise 4 Health, Mental Health, and Addiction vs. The Endorphin Factory
Exercise 4 Health, Mental Health, and Addiction vs. I worked all that out
exercise and sleep

Chemicals and supplements to recover from opiate addiction
Diet & Neurogenesis


it is a powerful thing to keep our thoughts positive and here are some threads many of us use to help us do this.
Good things about being off drugs/getting sober
Share Something Positive from Your Day vs. It's All Around You
Today I Am Thankful For... Ver. 4 Infinite Chances in an Amazing World
Daily Personal Affirmations Log Vs IM THE SHIT & NOT a piece a.. not playing me. NOPE
Managing depressive thinking

Here is the mindfulness thread.
Anhedonia MEGA Thread

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Albert Einstein

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
Thomas A. Edison

Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.
Thomas A. Edison


Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
Thomas A. Edison


YOU GOT THIS.. JUST HAVE TO FIND WHAT WORKS FOR YOU.

 

[InnocentlyNaive]

Thanks NSA, that was really helpful and I love your suggestion about aerobics , I definitely could use some excersize for my body &mind

 

[P.o.T.u.S]

I dont really have any advice because we are both on the same sinking ship.but im high so il ramble so i can relate.You dont have a problem..your just..u..i know deep down why i use is cause i like the feeling of being high but subconsciously i think it has something to do with what u said..feeling lost in life and not knowing wht to do so i sit here idle trying to figure out how to tear down this box that i have built around myself that im stuck inside.

.i can stop anytime i want but problem is i really dont want to...i day dream about killing myself but i know i will never do it because im here so why not stay and just live... But the sad thing is i just wana live because i fear death so much..my doc is opiates and i will try and blame them for my shortcomings but i know thats just an excuse..i found out a long time ago people including myself will say anything to not blame there shortcoming on fear or thier inability to act

All people are addicts its just we use substances that can kill u or lead u to sell your soul to get just one more high..i notice now the rush i get knowing i am getting drugs is better than the actual drugs..thats when i knew i was in trouble..its the same rush i get when im about to see a girl im into or when im right about to get laid..

We are battling our own mind and its a losing battle if u fight straight up..u have to use a kind of a guerrilla warefare against it..like changing little things in your life that will make u use less ..like everyday excersise and DO NOT use in that time..dont try and stop all at once u gotta change your life around a small piece at a time to create a happier and more content you when you are sober.moderation is easier than abstinence at least for now..u gotta think damage control not fixing it..theres gott be something u used to or still like doin that maybe doesnt bring positive feelings but atleast stops the negative feelings for a while

.u have to be a little optimistic and get some kind of positive thinking goin
the one thing i will say is u need to have hopes and dreams..its what drives most people...the thought loop of self hatred that comes along with addiction is what kills most addicts life purpose so the only hope they have is to get high.i wish u luck and never give up..i dont know u but i care about u.

 

[falsifiedhypothesi]

Find something you are really interested in and pursue that, make that hobby or career choice your addiction. Occupy your mind in anyway you can, boredom will lead you closer to drugs.