Recovery Opioids changed my mental fortitude without me realizing it till now

[Krayzieaztec]

A little background I’ve always had a “okay I’m starting to need this to not feel like shit let me detox 3 days” attitude and always tried to keep my tolerances low with whatever I tried(except weed I was a big pothead but that’s besides the point I don’t even smoke now). Did it with coke and xans and felt like shit for the days and took it like a champ, I’m a big believer in moderation, if possible. If you know yourself well enough to know it’s not possible and have to be sober I applaud you, really I do. but anyway back to the point. (I get off point and tangent a lot I’ll work on it lol)

I used to take pressed percs30s snorting them until I had an od scare no narcan but I came back to which I thank the most high everyday for. I went cold turkey after that the first three days are the worst but after that it’s whatever. I was off them for a few months till my bad decision made things real bad. I was on them and my tolerance grew I was snorting more than 10 a day at my worst and knew it was getting bad when I’d lose count of how many I did that day. I had an episode of psychosis which honestly saved me cause the next step was heroin cause that’s when I decided to get help. And am currently tapering off methadone every 2 weeks.

Well I was talking to a great friend of mine basically family and he made me realize somewhere along the line I forgot my own rule and forgot why I even started to take them. I was a rock then, you couldn’t peer pressure me into anything anyway but the percs slowly took me down to the point where when I asked for help I pleaded not to detox and to do methadone treatment instead which is really embarrassing for me to admit cause another rule I had was to always respect the drug you’re trying/taking.
Somewhere along the way the fake percs rewired my brain and I wanted to share this because I hear about how your brain gets rewired but I’ve never seen real life examples or experiences. So if you really know yourself notice the little things cause after thinking it over it was because of some back/shoulder pain that couldn’t be diagnosed and I had forgot the reason I started.
Was wondering if anyone had any of those realizations or similar experiences and wanted to share them because we all learn differently that’s why I wanted to post this how did you learn your mind changed, if it did?

Sorry mods this is my first post, long time viewer and now that I’m finishing this I’m wondering if this belongs in a different thread sorry if it does. Bless you all I’ve been using this site since before I made an account you all do great work and it’s very much appreciated

 

[Nurse Ratched]

Your thread is fine where it is. Welcome to bluelight.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

The 'drugs rewire your brain' phrase always kind of makes me wince a little because it's always presented in such a dramatized way, as though
a) only drugs have these mysterious brain-rewiring powers and b) the process represents some irreversible one-way ticket.

Yes drug use 'rewires' your brain, but the fact is EVERYTHING YOU DO REGULARLY rewires your brain. That's what's called habit formation. And we don't speak of the 'force of habit' for nothing.
As far as your brain is concerned, it doesn't differentiate between harmless habits and ones that are detrimental. It has evolved instead to make your actions efficient. Repeat an activity often enough and new neural connections will be formed that are strengthened with each repeat, which in turn serves to enable you to carry out said activity more easily and 'efficiently', ie with less conscious deliberation, until you're stuck on autopilot in a self-reinforcing loop. (And for obvious reasons, this will happen more quickly and thoroughly if the activity is linked to feelings of reward.)

This however in and of itself is neither a pathological process nor an irreversible one. Yes many psychoactive substances, when regularly consumed, absolutely will mess with your dopamine regulation, and it can take a previous heavy user prolonged total abstinence of up to two years for dopamine production to return to normal levels. Nevertheless, as long as you haven't done literal organic damage to your brain, any such states are not permanent. If they were, nobody who ever was addicted would EVER get themselves 'un-addicted'.

There unfortunately isn't some magic formula I or anyone else can prescribe you, or some rulebook to follow that will guaranteed land you in a place of happy moderation or abstinence, since the ways in which people get out of an addiction are as individual as the reasons they end up with one in the first place.
Self - awareness though is the first key and you're showing that. You're aware you're just using mindlessly at this point.

So there's the next bit of introspection. What do you want from the drug and why do you want it. Which of its perceived benefits to you maybe are illusory or overhyped in your own mind, which ones that are real could be provided by other things? ...

Most of all, under no circumstances let anyone tell you you're damaged goods beyond repair who will 'always' be an addict, or that addicts can never moderate, or that abstinence must be this grim life-long battle you'll have to fight every day. The vast majority of people who ever fit the criteria for addiction get over their problems. Moderation is a viable option for many, even after a period of heavy addictive use (yours truly here, for one). Many others who become abstinent do NOT struggle daily but instead move on with their lives and literally don't think about it anymore. So don't be discouraged about your prospects is the first and best advice I can give you.

PS and a warm welcome to BL !

 

[Krayzieaztec]

The 'drugs rewire your brain' phrase always kind of makes me wince a little because it's always presented in such a dramatized way, as though
a) only drugs have these mysterious brain-rewiring powers and b) the process represents some irreversible one-way ticket.

This is exactly what I meant like the phrase is so vague and means nothing when you don’t know about how the brain works which btw thank you for going so in depth because I’m aware of this but I’m hoping someone who isn’t can learn through you. An analogy I’ve heard, but am about to butcher horribly, about wiring is like how trails in the woods are made. After going the same route so many times the trail is easier to walk through which could be compared to forming habits in general not just drug habits.

But like you mentioned, It was the one who ended up in autopilot and lost my self awareness and now it’s coming back to me thank you for the validation?(I don’t know if that’s the right word, words are hard for me atm lol maybe it’s confirmation but thank you nonetheless )

As for a moderation sweet spot I had it down well as I mentioned two rules of the little bunch I had for myself— see this is what I mean like being in auto pilot so long I just “forgot” because I would ask myself those questions because I love drugs. Every part of them, the good bad and ugly of them, not just the good, that’s why I wanted to go into pharmacology at one point but that’s another story lol.

Thank you for the advice and warm welcome its truly appreciated it was a tough beginning but im feeling my rock status coming back and ready to detox. My mind is getting stronger by the day.
I will never give up and if anyone out there struggling is reading this you shouldn’t either

 

[Krayzieaztec]

Your thread is fine where it is. Welcome to bluelight.

Wooo I got it on the first try! I’ve read too many posts where the first comment is a mod telling them to move it to x thread lol celebrate small victories. Thanks for the welcome!

 

[interrapax]

Most of all, under no circumstances let anyone tell you you're damaged goods beyond repair

This is exactly what I needed to hear right now, thank you

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

I am at point where I know I can feel acceptable sober but this month has been deeply alcoholized individual because I wanted to go outside and do things and so on, which is of course bad idea because I am doomed being alone forever playing computer games. So I drank until I drank for alcoholism.

Long story short, I feel bitter and have to remind myself all the time that it will be okaysh and can carry on with whatever therapy and therapy-analogues I have in my mind but first I need to be several weeks off of booze and beer cos alcohol fucks up gaba, glutamate, testos, fucking everything for many weeks and I can't feel good on any dose of alcohol anymore.

I am going to substitute once again because uh otherwise I drink booze and beer. I am probably going to use tramadol, weed and clonazepam. Tramadol and clonazepam are BAAAAD, wish me luck!!! Probably I am also going to stay far away from people and travelling. Those are bad also.

Yes, I am bitter.

 

[interrapax]

Was wondering if anyone had any of those realizations or similar experiences and wanted to share them because we all learn differently that’s why I wanted to post this how did you learn your mind changed, if it did?

Hey friend, welcome and good luck on your road to recovery, whatever that might mean for you.

In the last 22 years, the longest I was sober of opioids was 6 months. During that time, I noticed a couple of things.

The anhedonia (not being able to feel good) would wear off for me after a few days. That seemed like the first bit of "damage" to repair itself. Surprisingly, I'd be in a pretty good mood (sometimes even very happy) despite all the terrible physical and mental symptoms I was going through during withdrawals. Once the worst of this was over (a couple of weeks), I'd feel pretty good. Right now I'm on day 10 of my current attempt.

What I found took the longest to get back to normal was the cravings and the things (triggers?) that I'd associate with my drug use. For months after, every time I sat down to relax after dinner, my cravings would rip in with a vengeance, because that's the time I'd most often get high. Or when I'd walk into a pharmacy and spot the good stuff on the shelves. Or when I'd drive through my dealer's neighbourhood.

Eventually these triggers and cravings would slowly start to wear off, but only very gradually (until I unfortunately relapsed).

I think this is my long-winded way of agreeing with what this person said:

Yes drug use 'rewires' your brain, but the fact is EVERYTHING YOU DO REGULARLY rewires your brain. That's what's called habit formation. And we don't speak of the 'force of habit' for nothing.

Habits are so strong. It takes time and persistence to forget them and form new ones. One thing that I found has helped me in the past is just understanding what's going on in my head. When you know what you're going through and you know there's light at the end of the tunnel, it makes it easier. I'd recommend a course of CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) with a therapist. This is something that gave me great insight. There are also books and podcasts that I've found helpful (DM me for more info). The point is, knowing a bit of the science and mechanisms is super helpful.

Whatever your goals are, I wish you all the luck in the world, and I'm praying for you.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

An analogy I’ve heard, but am about to butcher horribly, about wiring is like how trails in the woods are made. After going the same route so many times the trail is easier to walk through which could be compared to forming habits in general not just drug habits.

That's actually spot on. It's a simplified way of saying it but that's essentially what happens.

Establishing a habit is like always going across the same ground. The easiest analogy is riding a bike or a car along the same route every day. Eventually you end up with these deep-scored ruts in which the wheels just run along freely. THEN try to steer your vehicle ACROSS those ruts, and you'll wobble and sometimes fall because you're being thrown off the easy track.

But the more times you go in the new direction, the more THAT track deepens and becomes easier to ride; and the more you neglect the old path, the more that's gonna get overgrown and forgotten (ie formerly established neural connections weaken again).

You form an addiction by repeatedly going one way, but by that token you can cement different neural habits by going another way. In terms of the basic mechanism, you get out of an addiction like you get into one : repeat, repeat, repeat.

 

[Krayzieaztec]

Hey friend, welcome and good luck on your road to recovery, whatever that might mean for you.

In the last 22 years, the longest I was sober of opioids was 6 months. During that time, I noticed a couple of things.

The anhedonia (not being able to feel good) would wear off for me after a few days. That seemed like the first bit of "damage" to repair itself. Surprisingly, I'd be in a pretty good mood (sometimes even very happy) despite all the terrible physical and mental symptoms I was going through during withdrawals. Once the worst of this was over (a couple of weeks), I'd feel pretty good. Right now I'm on day 10 of my current attempt.

What I found took the longest to get back to normal was the cravings and the things (triggers?) that I'd associate with my drug use. For months after, every time I sat down to relax after dinner, my cravings would rip in with a vengeance, because that's the time I'd most often get high. Or when I'd walk into a pharmacy and spot the good stuff on the shelves. Or when I'd drive through my dealer's neighbourhood.

Eventually these triggers and cravings would slowly start to wear off, but only very gradually (until I unfortunately relapsed).

I think this is my long-winded way of agreeing with what this person said:


Habits are so strong. It takes time and persistence to forget them and form new ones. One thing that I found has helped me in the past is just understanding what's going on in my head. When you know what you're going through and you know there's light at the end of the tunnel, it makes it easier. I'd recommend a course of CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) with a therapist. This is something that gave me great insight. There are also books and podcasts that I've found helpful (DM me for more info). The point is, knowing a bit of the science and mechanisms is super helpful.

Whatever your goals are, I wish you all the luck in the world, and I'm praying for you.

Thank you for the prayers and luck. I’ve been to therapy but this was before I got this bad and for other reasons, maybe it is time to go back for this reason… and I have a general understanding of the science took a couple courses and I’m definitely taking advantage of this age of information where if I have a question or forgot about which neurotransmitter does what I’ll look it up real quick(what a world we live in lol). But thank you because these suggestions are something everyone should look into. Understanding how habits
Form can really be the difference-maker.

I also wish you luck I had left a reply on your post before checking mine. God bless

 

[Krayzieaztec]

That's actually spot on. It's a simplified way of saying it but that's essentially what happens.

Establishing a habit is like always going across the same ground. The easiest analogy is riding a bike or a car along the same route every day. Eventually you end up with these deep-scored ruts in which the wheels just run along freely. THEN try to steer your vehicle ACROSS those ruts, and you'll wobble and sometimes fall because you're being thrown off the easy track.

But the more times you go in the new direction, the more THAT track deepens and becomes easier to ride; and the more you neglect the old path, the more that's gonna get overgrown and forgotten (ie formerly established neural connections weaken again).

You form an addiction by repeatedly going one way, but by that token you can cement different neural habits by going another way. In terms of the basic mechanism, you get out of an addiction like you get into one : repeat, repeat, repeat.

Yes thank you this is a much better in depth analogy because the one I mentioned just speaks on the forming but this includes forming and changing

 

[Krayzieaztec]

I am at point where I know I can feel acceptable sober but this month has been deeply alcoholized individual because I wanted to go outside and do things and so on, which is of course bad idea because I am doomed being alone forever playing computer games. So I drank until I drank for alcoholism.

Long story short, I feel bitter and have to remind myself all the time that it will be okaysh and can carry on with whatever therapy and therapy-analogues I have in my mind but first I need to be several weeks off of booze and beer cos alcohol fucks up gaba, glutamate, testos, fucking everything for many weeks and I can't feel good on any dose of alcohol anymore.

I am going to substitute once again because uh otherwise I drink booze and beer. I am probably going to use tramadol, weed and clonazepam. Tramadol and clonazepam are BAAAAD, wish me luck!!! Probably I am also going to stay far away from people and travelling. Those are bad also.

Yes, I am bitter.

My friend there is no need to be chipper and happy 24/7 If you feel bitter then you feel bitter. I’m no therapist but recently figured out how mindsets can help which like “rewiring” is such a vague term and I don’t know you’re entire story maybe you have tried therapy, (I’m not sure if you’re saying therapy/therapy analogies you’ve read or heard personally from a therapist) but professional help if taken seriously can really help like your therapist would know what to do about your bitterness and feelings of doom.

And you don’t only have yourself. You have this community to lean on. You ARE gonna be okay. It’s gonna be a tough journey but don’t give up everyone here is rooting for you!

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

You ARE gonna be okay

I can rationalize over this and claim it is not certain.
But you are probably right.

What I have thought today is

I don't want to come up with detailed goal about my happiness. The more I have listened to wise people living moments of happiness, the more it has crystallized to my mind that it is not just smart to stick intrinsic value of life to demanding attributes.
Some ideas are just depressing. But that doesn't exclude happiness from equation.

Today I have felt somewhat allright pretty much just fucking caffeinated. I guess that +1 month off of benzos actually can make me happy even if I am alcoholized, it is 5 months then. I just had to shake off the last week human exposure. That is always difficult for PTSD relating to sociality.
I have today abandoned the idea of tramal. Best for me is to trip more. Gotta catch one or two benzos tho because brain going brrrrrr on 5ht-agonists is just fucking challenging and I commonly want one on comedown if not earlier, it all makes so much more sense that way. I could use mirtazapine if I wanted to stop the trip but benzos are not quite as blunt in that aspect so it is just so much more satisfying idea.

Thanks for your time, it is valuable.

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

When I really think about it, it's been so short time off of work and benzos that I have barely used to be able to do shit really. I have clear course of actions defined in my mind which reliably could be said to result in something. Probably nothing perfect but fuck I'd better be satisfied with something lol.
There is psychotherapy and physiotherapy and psychedelic therapy and even some diagnostics should be done. I am just afraid all my intention is not coupled with necessary power, you know? And I end up being depressed, still, trembling piece of meat with well-defined muscles I've been since everything went to shit.
Anyway, there will be well-defined muscles, that's something.