xxixamxninjaxx
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Oct 14, 2015
- Messages
- 28
I'll start by saying I read this site daily it seems and it does help. Thank You! So, I have been doing this shit a decade now and I'm so ready to just be done. I've been clean years+ but always the fly to the spider's web I assume. So here is my story and where I'm at right now. I'm ashamed to type half of this. I started a decade ago at 3 5mg Hydro's at 9pm every night and did that for years. It was fun and slowly but surely I noticed myself counting the hours until 9pm. The whole day sucked but at 9pm it was TIME. I had control for a tiny bit but not really(you know). Then one day I drove in 15" of snow 45 minutes to get 3 pills for the night and crashed my car. I realized then I was a mess and it controlled my life. I did cold turkey and was sick as crap for a month. I know look back and know the stress is what made it so bad. I got clean though and life got better and I got a job and boom life back on track and happy happy.
Round 2) I was at my cousins and he had a bottle from a surgery and he offered them for free. I was like two years maybe clean and had a tad respect for the beast so I went into a mental war. I lost. I took the bottle and round and round we went. I didn't stay on long though and when I woke up one day I was just done. I went into a short term treatment center for 2 weeks and got out and was better for another year or so.(That bout I was up to 20-30mg hydros a day).
Round 3) This is the BEAST) I don't even know how it happened but got caught taking pills when my girl hated it so so so much because she knew what it did to me. She kicked me out and I lost seeing my two kids for awhile. ROCK BOTTOM. Time went by faster than I remember and somehow....idk....I got to taking 350mg a day of hydros liver be damned(It's fine tested). I was back at home and my mom got 210 double filled and my dad got 210 double filled of 10mg. They didn't even take them I did and I bought some too. Well it was a blur of a ride and a mess. Sadly...very sadly my father passed 420 pills a month less(yeah I thought that I'm fucking monster). I grieved too but not right because I was numb. I said to myself hey gonna be rough but we got some left taper down. Flash forward two weeks my mom gets caught double filling and gets cut right off. So 1000 10mg a month to zero overnight. I was so scared and thought well this is it goodbye you bitch of a world. I detoxed at home alone with nothing no lopermide no xanax no anything. I can't even describe that week it was close to death as I've ever been. I lived though and beat it.......For a month.
Round 4) I started just buying them off the street buy couldn't always get hydros which were my vice. So I logically (yeah right) was like if it's an opiate I'll take it. Went into the same habit 50mg oxy/hydro 4-7 times a day and got introduced to OP's(missed the OC train). Did this for 1 year and said enough is enough again.....oh did I mention I spent 75k (my father left me) and that's gone. So yup back to the floor.
Round 5) This is one week after round 4 so yeah. I took same doses but only 1-2 a day. This went on for a month until I just said screw it again and quit.
I'm currently 100 hours clean and withdraw has lessened but I cry and laugh for no reason goosebumps you know the fun stuff. I'm just reflecting back and thinking what have I done. I'm sick and I can't get free. I mean even right now I'm just like one time( yeah right) I know better. I can't look in the mirror and I have a 4 year old son. I haven't seen the the other two in 6+ months. I'm a waste of life. I hate myself for everything I've done and everything I will do. I know I'm sick but I don't want to be. I just want to be normal. I know from being sober I can be happy without them but I just fall back into the it's fun trap over and over again. Fuck me and my life. I'm so tired I feel people have been in actual wars and experienced less. I'm 100 hours in can I take a dose now? That's my sick brain trying to kill me. I'm a goner I truly feel that way right now.
I'm sorry it's so long and probably in the wrong place but I'll just go.......Fuck!
Round 2) I was at my cousins and he had a bottle from a surgery and he offered them for free. I was like two years maybe clean and had a tad respect for the beast so I went into a mental war. I lost. I took the bottle and round and round we went. I didn't stay on long though and when I woke up one day I was just done. I went into a short term treatment center for 2 weeks and got out and was better for another year or so.(That bout I was up to 20-30mg hydros a day).
Round 3) This is the BEAST) I don't even know how it happened but got caught taking pills when my girl hated it so so so much because she knew what it did to me. She kicked me out and I lost seeing my two kids for awhile. ROCK BOTTOM. Time went by faster than I remember and somehow....idk....I got to taking 350mg a day of hydros liver be damned(It's fine tested). I was back at home and my mom got 210 double filled and my dad got 210 double filled of 10mg. They didn't even take them I did and I bought some too. Well it was a blur of a ride and a mess. Sadly...very sadly my father passed 420 pills a month less(yeah I thought that I'm fucking monster). I grieved too but not right because I was numb. I said to myself hey gonna be rough but we got some left taper down. Flash forward two weeks my mom gets caught double filling and gets cut right off. So 1000 10mg a month to zero overnight. I was so scared and thought well this is it goodbye you bitch of a world. I detoxed at home alone with nothing no lopermide no xanax no anything. I can't even describe that week it was close to death as I've ever been. I lived though and beat it.......For a month.
Round 4) I started just buying them off the street buy couldn't always get hydros which were my vice. So I logically (yeah right) was like if it's an opiate I'll take it. Went into the same habit 50mg oxy/hydro 4-7 times a day and got introduced to OP's(missed the OC train). Did this for 1 year and said enough is enough again.....oh did I mention I spent 75k (my father left me) and that's gone. So yup back to the floor.
Round 5) This is one week after round 4 so yeah. I took same doses but only 1-2 a day. This went on for a month until I just said screw it again and quit.
I'm currently 100 hours clean and withdraw has lessened but I cry and laugh for no reason goosebumps you know the fun stuff. I'm just reflecting back and thinking what have I done. I'm sick and I can't get free. I mean even right now I'm just like one time( yeah right) I know better. I can't look in the mirror and I have a 4 year old son. I haven't seen the the other two in 6+ months. I'm a waste of life. I hate myself for everything I've done and everything I will do. I know I'm sick but I don't want to be. I just want to be normal. I know from being sober I can be happy without them but I just fall back into the it's fun trap over and over again. Fuck me and my life. I'm so tired I feel people have been in actual wars and experienced less. I'm 100 hours in can I take a dose now? That's my sick brain trying to kill me. I'm a goner I truly feel that way right now.
I'm sorry it's so long and probably in the wrong place but I'll just go.......Fuck!
