Once you've tried everything else

[RedRum OG]

History: prescribed 195mg oxy a day and about a gram of %78 tar heroin (believe me or not: perspective: I've seen a 25 cent piece of this shit IV send a newb into blue lips), lasting about 2 years. Took bout 1200mg oral IR oxy to get me nodding super hard. Smoking weed everyday for 5 years. Do many other drugs but none serious enough to mention. I am now 21. I only smoke weed, drink, occasional psychs, and my 6mg Suboxone as prescribed per day. I live in an apartment with good friends, colllege kids though, in a college town

Ive been sober about a year now. For 8 months I lifted weights, worked at my legal job, ate real healthy, did no non-prescribed drugs, and met lots of new great friends. All this left me drained and feeling like I was a fake fucking ken-Barbie or something.... Ugh. Ive read soooooo much advice on this site over the years, and I feel like I've tried my absolute hardest to get into the good habits, and I have. However I still feel dirty, dirty, scraped, empty, like myself. Yuck.

Unfulfilled. Heroin was my baby girl, my mother, my father, my boo, my best friend. She loved me. And even though it's been bout a year without her, i still feel empty without all the family and intimate type relationships she made me feel

Any advice, oh ever-knowing-bluelight?

 

[captaincaveman]

You might find this helpful.

Dr Gabor Mate discusses why opiate addiction feels exactly how you describe it. I sent a friend of mine who had revealed a long standing IV heroin addiction to see a shrink who is very well known. I got back from holiday yesterday and spoke to him and he'd already had a breakthrough. Heroin was providing him with the love he didn't get from his adopted parents (his mother is a real cow). Shrink has said that you have the opportunity to love your daughter and she will love you back, so screw your parents. It was great hearing the guy more positive and better than supplying him with illicitly obtained subutex (the trade in which is rife in the UK). Anyway check out the link below

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ScP2tIJJ2BA

 

[Pagey]

Your feelings are perfectly normal. It takes a very, very long time to manage to stop thinking about whatever your DOC was, to stop missing it and feeling like your life is empty without it. In fact, for many people it would seem that feeling never goes away entirely.
Since you mention that heroin loved you, captaincaveman's theory sounds interesting - that you were compensating for something via heroin (well, which is what most addicts/users do, I suppose). Maybe it would help to see a shrink and work on that, discover what the underlying causes are and then you could try to fill the emptiness in another, healthier way.
Just try to focus on how much worse your life might have been now if you hadn't gotten clean. Congrats for that btw
Hope I helped.