indiereviewer
Greenlighter
Hello there everyone. I'm Kent and I was a major dope fiend for years and never even thought about getting clean until age 33 or so. I got clean once, then slipped three months later, went back for a six-seven month run and then I got clean again and stayed clean for about 16 months or so but then again I slipped back - that time I was using "oral morphine" - meaning, it was this morphine that I was getting from a neighbor who had cancer and had a constant supply, but I ingested it by filling a dropper full of the stuff and then drinking it. My rationalization for doing that was - "well, since I'm not shooting dope-just drinking it, I'm not as bad as I was" but that turned out, of course, to be total BS because in about 6 months (it did take a little longer to get re-strung out, I suppose, because of the oral nature of it and not shooting heroin) I started getting dope sick again and realized that I had that monkey on my back again. This lasted for about a year or so but then a friend recommended a particular methadone clinic to me (I lived in San Diego at the time and now live in SD county, but in the eastern part in a town called El Cajon, where the clinic is -not why I moved here, but a good thing too)-anyway, in Feb, 2013 it will be 9 years I've been clean. I did "slip" once and did a shot of heroin ONE time about a year or a little more ago - but it disgusted me and made me feel really ashamed and so I didn't have any urge to use again. I just tried hard to forget about it and get on with my methadone program, which is still keeping me "well". My only problem is that I am "stuck" in my life - I am on social security for disability - depression & anxiety, which have nothing to do w/my drug use, although the drugs were a form of self-medication, one did not cause the other. Anyway, since I'm getting money through ss and I don't have to work (which I am so grateful for, because I would not be able to, it's been almost 13 years since I last worked and I have a hard time being around a lot of people - especially a work environment where I wouldn't know anyone and where I'd have to be "someone else than myself" in order to "go along/get along". Anyway, while the methadone is keeping me clean, keeping me free from urges and I don't use anything except my anxiety meds (I've taken numerous antidepressants and none of them have worked, I don't think that any will - I'm one of those "medication-resistant" types of depression sufferers. But I am getting into a group therapy thing in a week or so, which I hope will help. That's beside the point, though - I am stuck in this rut, I am not feeling like I've grown at all or done anything really productive, except maybe the writing that I've been doing (writing music reviews, etc). So - if anyone out there knows what I'm going through and has a thought or two, I'd be very happy to hear from you...thanks. -K8(
