AcidBurn
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 4, 1999
- Messages
- 1,940
I was a pretty active Bluelighter 15 years years ago while in college (1999 to 2001). I got started with TheHive forum in high school, then continued with TheHive and Bluelight for a while as a chemistry and math student. I got to moderate the Dance Music forum while I was really into DJs/DJing, trainspotting, and track IDs.
Obviously, a big part of this community was drug discussion. I really liked ecstasy, didn't much care for cannabis, good LSD was pretty intense and I only did it a couple times, and a big dose of mushrooms got me into a ton of trouble one night (arrested and suspended from college). I was lucky to have the support necessary to get back on track and back into school.
Unfortunately during this time, my drug of choice had shifted to alcohol, and it's remained that way for about 13 years (to present). Over that time, alcohol has done a lot of damage in my life. I think the scariest thing about alcohol is that it can seem so harmless in the short term, but subtly bad consequences can accumulate over time. The worst consequence that I faced from alcohol was it's direct and indirect destruction of a deeply cherished relationship. Alcohol ruined it in 6 months, and 6.5 years later I still feel some amount of trauma and loss. After several years of intense emotional pain, depression, and violent suicidal thoughts leading to therapy, I healed a bit, but I still have a faint scar. I would give up every drop of alcohol that has ever or will ever cross my lips to be able to go back in time and avoid all of that suffering.
I always thought I would grow out of going to raves and ecstasy, and I was partially right. The romance with raves and ecstasy turned into a romance with nightclubs and alcohol. I still really like dance music, and have dabbled in production and DJing. Obsession with drugs, partying, and chemistry gave way to obsession with poker, mathematics, and all things Progressive-House. Ecstasy, cocaine, and mushrooms are a very rare experience these days, but alcohol is always with me. I didn't complete my degree until 31 years old because of it's effect on my motivation.
I recently (at age 33) got to work at my favorite nightclub doing VIP security and inventory/purchasing analysis. The music and DJs were awesome, the girls were hot, I had status, and I got numbers and free drinks every night. I had access to the best DJ gear, great table discounts, free admission, and special consideration for DJ gigs in a prestigious club. After about a year, and getting away with way more than my fair share of drinking and horrible behavior, a pretty big straw broke the camel's back and I was fired (off the clock, blackout drunk, flirting with a busty cleavage girl: thought she was flirting back so I gently squeezed her breast, she complained). Even before that, being wasted a lot of the time caused a lot of interpersonal problems with some of the club staff. They were mostly 20-somethings, but some of them saw me as pretty immature and out of control. Fortunately the general manager liked me and thought I was smart and talented, so he gave me many more chances than I deserved. Moral of the story: if you have a drinking problem, don't work in a bar or nightclub. It's unhealthy and can cause bigger problems (emotional/social/behavioral).
Fortunately, at the time of my firing, I picked up the first job that I can count as part of my career. I work as a data analyst and reporting developer on the consulting team at a rapidly growing company. At nearly 35 years old, I'm finally getting started. My friends are all married with kids, but alcohol delayed my education and life in general by a decade or so. Alcohol has even hurt my performance at this job that I love! But I'm still hanging on. I'm willing to go to extreme measures to perform well in this job. With the help of Antabuse, I've been alcohol free for 3.5 weeks. Upsides: more cognition, focus, creativity, better sleep, and I can hit the gym more frequently. Downsides: diarrhea, insomnia, overactive thinking, boredom, need for mental stimulation, and the tendency to get that stimulation from other drugs (say, 3g of cocaine in such a time frame).
So that's where I stand 15 years after Bluelight. I still have some challenges, but I consider myself very lucky. I grew up a bit, changed a lot (for better and worse), fell in deeply in love, got extremely heartbroken, still enjoy good music and very occasional psychonauting, and I still have a lot of growing up to do.
tldr;/ Probably the oldest Bluelighter possible grew up a bit, had trouble with alcohol which stunted his life development, but is now at a tipping point where he will either succeed by changing or finally fail permanently by not growing up.
Obviously, a big part of this community was drug discussion. I really liked ecstasy, didn't much care for cannabis, good LSD was pretty intense and I only did it a couple times, and a big dose of mushrooms got me into a ton of trouble one night (arrested and suspended from college). I was lucky to have the support necessary to get back on track and back into school.
Unfortunately during this time, my drug of choice had shifted to alcohol, and it's remained that way for about 13 years (to present). Over that time, alcohol has done a lot of damage in my life. I think the scariest thing about alcohol is that it can seem so harmless in the short term, but subtly bad consequences can accumulate over time. The worst consequence that I faced from alcohol was it's direct and indirect destruction of a deeply cherished relationship. Alcohol ruined it in 6 months, and 6.5 years later I still feel some amount of trauma and loss. After several years of intense emotional pain, depression, and violent suicidal thoughts leading to therapy, I healed a bit, but I still have a faint scar. I would give up every drop of alcohol that has ever or will ever cross my lips to be able to go back in time and avoid all of that suffering.
I always thought I would grow out of going to raves and ecstasy, and I was partially right. The romance with raves and ecstasy turned into a romance with nightclubs and alcohol. I still really like dance music, and have dabbled in production and DJing. Obsession with drugs, partying, and chemistry gave way to obsession with poker, mathematics, and all things Progressive-House. Ecstasy, cocaine, and mushrooms are a very rare experience these days, but alcohol is always with me. I didn't complete my degree until 31 years old because of it's effect on my motivation.
I recently (at age 33) got to work at my favorite nightclub doing VIP security and inventory/purchasing analysis. The music and DJs were awesome, the girls were hot, I had status, and I got numbers and free drinks every night. I had access to the best DJ gear, great table discounts, free admission, and special consideration for DJ gigs in a prestigious club. After about a year, and getting away with way more than my fair share of drinking and horrible behavior, a pretty big straw broke the camel's back and I was fired (off the clock, blackout drunk, flirting with a busty cleavage girl: thought she was flirting back so I gently squeezed her breast, she complained). Even before that, being wasted a lot of the time caused a lot of interpersonal problems with some of the club staff. They were mostly 20-somethings, but some of them saw me as pretty immature and out of control. Fortunately the general manager liked me and thought I was smart and talented, so he gave me many more chances than I deserved. Moral of the story: if you have a drinking problem, don't work in a bar or nightclub. It's unhealthy and can cause bigger problems (emotional/social/behavioral).
Fortunately, at the time of my firing, I picked up the first job that I can count as part of my career. I work as a data analyst and reporting developer on the consulting team at a rapidly growing company. At nearly 35 years old, I'm finally getting started. My friends are all married with kids, but alcohol delayed my education and life in general by a decade or so. Alcohol has even hurt my performance at this job that I love! But I'm still hanging on. I'm willing to go to extreme measures to perform well in this job. With the help of Antabuse, I've been alcohol free for 3.5 weeks. Upsides: more cognition, focus, creativity, better sleep, and I can hit the gym more frequently. Downsides: diarrhea, insomnia, overactive thinking, boredom, need for mental stimulation, and the tendency to get that stimulation from other drugs (say, 3g of cocaine in such a time frame).
So that's where I stand 15 years after Bluelight. I still have some challenges, but I consider myself very lucky. I grew up a bit, changed a lot (for better and worse), fell in deeply in love, got extremely heartbroken, still enjoy good music and very occasional psychonauting, and I still have a lot of growing up to do.
tldr;/ Probably the oldest Bluelighter possible grew up a bit, had trouble with alcohol which stunted his life development, but is now at a tipping point where he will either succeed by changing or finally fail permanently by not growing up.
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