Old drug buddy terminal

[Jabberwocky]

My oldest friend, closest drug buddy in days gone by, ex partner from the days when I tried to be straight or bi I suppose, is at the end stage of alcoholism. He has gone on a binge that would make hunter S Thompson baulk. Crack, meth, iv everything he can get his hands on, picked up the bottle hard. It's his "death party" as he puts it.

I care about him from a distance. He is a few States away, and I won't visit. He is also very aggressive (crack...) , Totally unreasonable, can be nasty, blanked out a lot of the time, hanging out with people who hit him and hurt him. The dude is in his late 60s. He is fucked up so badly. His medical conditions are terminal. He has had enough. I care about him, but he's just so nasty to me when I call. I call every day, but feel so bad about not being there. I can't be there in person.

I'm clean right now, and apart from it twitching me out so badly I'm considering street opiates again, it's really causing a lot of pain emotionally to hear him so distressed. I keep trying to get my head around someone I've known my whole adult life not being there any more.

I have asked him not to send me photos of loaded rigs, but he seems intent on I dunno...upsetting me? He lets all his anger out down the phone line.

He needs a friend, but it's too much for me.

 

[Nurse Ratched]

It is really hard not to care about someone you have known almost all of your life and have history with.

He is obviously triggering you to use again. If you are clean right now don't let someone who isn't clean drag you back down. Misery loves company.

Users love to draw us back in. And sending you pics of rigs is bullshit. Some friend, right?

I know he is at the end, so to speak, and I know he wants to go out with a bang, but your life and peace of mind is more important than his.

Now more than ever as he has you thinking about relapsing.

Stay strong and limit your calls with him to 10 minutes and tell him to keep his pics to himself.

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

Pumpkin has illustrated everything I was gonna say, so...

You've been a great friend to him - I'm sure you have done all you can - please don't blame yourself for having to keep your distance, you are merely looking after yourself and it sounds like there's absolutely nothing you could do in person anyway

Try all you can to resist the relapse - you can honour your friend by remaining as clean and as grounded as possible (which, underneath it all, is exactly what he would want for his dear friend if he were in his right mind)

 

[Jabberwocky]

Thanks Pumpkin. I just spoke to him, he's crying and sounds beyond fucked up. I told him I loved him, that it was ok. Asked him to go to the hospital. He refused. It was as much as I could handle. I just feel so fucking guilty deserting him.
I'm pretty solidly sober. Ok not totally clean, no opiates at all ever, strictly recreational, and only very occasionally anything other than weed. Like twice a year. No IV. The rig photos had me wondering if the street "heroin" - basically just fent where I am, is so bad. I really resent that. The needle is as much an addiction as what goes in the barrel. Absolutely horrible thing to do to me.

Thanks for the reply. I'm so sad.

 

[Snafu in the Void]

I'm so sorry but it sounds like you have the appropriate boundaries up and the fact you keep calling and speaking says a lot about you and how you care for him as a true friend.

I can only imagine what is going through his head, but like you said it sounds like he has given up. You can't let him bring you down with him.

I'm going through a similar situation with my father. We've never had a relationship and he is in endstage alcoholism. His body is falling apart and he would constantly tell me how he was going to shoot the roof of his mouth out. Many other things were said, but ultimately not a way a father should ever speak to his son. He refuses to quit or change.

I do not speak to him anymore for that reason. Part of me feels obligated to be there, but that's not good for me in any way. My life is worse when he is involved in my life.

Stay strong friend. I think you're doing the right thing.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Pumpkin has illustrated everything I was gonna say, so...

You've been a great friend to him - I'm sure you have done all you can - please don't blame yourself for having to keep your distance, you are merely looking after yourself and it sounds like there's absolutely nothing you could do in person anyway

Try all you can to resist the relapse - you can honour your friend by remaining as clean and as grounded as possible (which, underneath it all, is exactly what he would want for his dear friend if he were in his right mind)

Thank you for saying that to me. You are right, he wouldnt want me going under if he was in his right mind. The fucking crack is making him mean as a rattlesnake. I can't be there with him. He told me to go. I went. I can't go back and care for him - I have a kid. I am not taking him into that trailer with what's going on, and ild never stay clean. It would kill me too, damnit. I don't think I've ever felt so guilty.
I'm not Ms perfect or anything. I smoke weed, no drink, I'll do a line of coke if it's from a friend, but only very occasionally...shrooms if they are around and there's someone sensible there too. I can't go back to how I was. Besides, it would kill me. It's all fent. All of it. It's not even what I want.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I feel like I'm a heartless bitch. Really. He had an osophageal bleed, sent me photos of buckets of blood. I had to call the damn cops for a welfare check. How is he alive I don't know.

He won't stop drinking - like your dad, and so sorry to hear about that -. It will kill him, snafu. I'm meant to be working..

 

[Snafu in the Void]

I feel like I'm a heartless bitch. Really. He had an osophageal bleed, sent me photos of buckets of blood. I had to call the damn cops for a welfare check. How is he alive I don't know.

He won't stop drinking - like your dad, and so sorry to hear about that -. It will kill him, snafu. I'm meant to be working..

These photos he is sending... I am no psychologist but I don't think it's some cry for help, but something more toxic.

Especially if he is mean and you asked him to stop.

It breaks my heart too just thinking about it.

You are not a heartless bitch! I can guarantee you some other person would have cut him out of their life a long time ago and stopped calling.

 

[Jabberwocky]

These photos he is sending... I am no psychologist but I don't think it's some cry for help, but something more toxic.

Especially if he is mean and you asked him to stop.

It breaks my heart too just thinking about it.

You are not a heartless bitch! I can guarantee you some other person would have cut him out of their life a long time ago and stopped calling.

Yeah...he did that with booze, I had no alcohol problem, but dragged me with him on a 4 months binge, I ended up physically addicted. He promised me he would stop if I drank with him. I ended up drinking a gallon of rum every two days. I ended up with the DTs. Can't drink at all now, last time I couldn't stop, blacked out badly...so humiliating.. Heck he wouldn't even call an ambulance when I overdosed in front of him on smack. Live or die, not his problem. But that isn't him, ifywim...but it can be him.

Had to put the vid call down, he was digging for a vein. Not kind. Just not ok.

I can't take more. Sorry... really really sorry. I'll check on him later.

 

[Nurse Ratched]

These photos he is sending... I am no psychologist but I don't think it's some cry for help, but something more toxic.

Especially if he is mean and you asked him to stop.

It breaks my heart too just thinking about it.

You are not a heartless bitch! I can guarantee you some other person would have cut him out of their life a long time ago and stopped calling.

This

 

[Jabberwocky]

I offered to pay for an Uber to the hospital for him, and the clinic for clean rigs. I can't afford to do more. I'm living in a homeless shelter and working like crazy to get me and kiddo out if here

 

[Snafu in the Void]

I offered to pay for an Uber to the hospital for him, and the clinic for clean rigs. I can't afford to do more. I'm living in a homeless shelter and working like crazy to get me and kiddo out if here

That is insanely kind of you!

Do you think that he might think you are the only person in the world that still cares about him?

I don't want to take this to a dark place but I believe some people want to die. I've known some.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I know he wants to die. He told me. I've tried to alert people who can help - local medical services. But no one cares and I'm thousands of miles away now. He has had enough. Tough old bastard, though.. I care very much indeed. He's damaged himself to the point he isn't functional, not himself.
His adult daughter cares, but she's less able to handle him than I am. He is difficult.
Man, there are better ways out than this. I would want to die still ME. Fuck it, he's going to drag me down, snafu. I can hear the fucking corner boys from my room. Literally two seconds away outside. I've gotta pull it together.

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

Life isn't fair!

You already know this but, right now, it's up in your face

This feeling will pass - you know that too.

Put yourself first, you and your kiddo

 

[Jabberwocky]

I'm going to stick the headphones on, kiddo is occupied, try get work done. I've stayed clean 8 months out here, living in a shelter right in the part of town that copping is beyond easy, you have to avoid it. I just have to settle myself down.
I found myself asking what was in the rig, how good the dope was - he's speedballing. Not good. Now I'm twitched out and it's harder.
I really appreciate the kindness, I don't deserve it, to be frank. I have tried so hard to get myself and life straight. I have a job where I can work from home, I'm almost out the shelter into an apartment. I can afford to take my son to baseball games.
Life isn't fair, is it. I guess no one promised it would be, huh.
I miss my old friend. It's not him, is it. It feels like he is pissing on whatever live, care, affection, kindness was ever there. Destroying every good memory.

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

I really appreciate the kindness, I don't deserve it, to be frank.

Everything you write suggests otherwise

We have to learn to be kind to ourselves in the end (me too btw), even though we never (apparently) deserve it. Such is the addict experience

 

[Snafu in the Void]

I really appreciate the kindness, I don't deserve it, to be frank. I have tried so hard to get myself and life straight. I have a job where I can work from home, I'm almost out the shelter into an apartment. I can afford to take my son to baseball games.

Yes you do! You deserve a lot of other things too, like a better life for you two!

I know the feeling of not thinking you deserve to be happy, but these are just false thoughts. People say don't believe everything on TV, I like to say don't believe everything you THINK.

It sounds like you're doing amazing and kicking ass in life

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

Yes you do! You deserve a lot of other things too, like a better life for you two!

I know the feeling of not thinking you deserve to be happy, but these are just false thoughts. People say don't believe everything on TV, I like to say don't believe everything you THINK.

It sounds like you're doing amazing and kicking ass in life

Both bolded bits 100% spot on

Most of what we think is nonsense and needs constantly challenging, imo.

 

[Jabberwocky]

It is so hard. I can see to tell others exactly that, but with myself I'm blind and harsh. Booze and dope made me hate myself.
Still wouldn't turn it down if it was right in front of me and not fent.
It's that romance of one last shot.

 

[Snafu in the Void]

Still wouldn't turn it down if it was right in front of me and not fent.
It's that romance of one last shot.

You're right and not alone. I haven't touched heroin in 10 years. However, if someone offered it I would instantly say yes without hesitation.

I try to avoid putting myself in that situation.

It's a lot more difficult with alcohol. It's literally impossible to completely avoid. Sucks.

I remember about 4 years I took an Uber ride and got in the car and it reeked like black tar. He obviously had just smoked in his car.

I was fucked up and insanely triggered for a week. If I wasn't immediately furious at the guy I would have asked him for a plug. Fuck.