Need to get this down on paper. I have been craving a hit so badly for the last week. I think I know the reason. Low self esteem. That and having no money and all the other things I have done and not done to get me in this position.
I don't have much anger towards family that have affected me negatively right now but more feeling of self pity.
I want to be able to get the day to day things done that I need to- Face the music so to speak, get motivated and say fuck the world. I am still here and I am surviving and I will do more than just survive so guess what get outta my face. Deep sigh of relief again, I need to do what someone told me and that is just start something you have to do and say you are only going to do it for 10 minutes and see where it takes you. Hell I know where it took me when I say I'm only going to spend three hours and only x amount of money. Yeah right. And I know where it takes me when I say I am only going to log on for 10 minutes and then the morning is gone. So Maybe he is right, just start the shitty things for only 10 minutes and see what happens.
I have spent a lot of time reading BL over the last few days and I think it has helped me stay clean. Maybe not stay productive, it's like a new toy. But I am safe right now. I have been reading a lot of Laceyk's blogs and they have really hit home with me. The glamour of the roach infested hood motel and the Ho I'm falling in love with. The sickening feeling as I leave Dodge and take the long lonely highway home to suburbia. passing all the civilians on their way to work as I pray I don't see my neighbors as I get closer to home and I scream screams of hellish anguish as I arrive home, scrambling I go to the garage and I run to the cupboard on the wall and underneath the car rags is my bottle of vodka still with enough to get me down a little. I swallow the raw vodka from the neck guzzling suckling like a baby calf at his mother's tit. I smoke a smoke like there is only three seconds to get it finished. I am speeding like a mother fucker, hoping the faster I can get into bed the better things will be. And they will, I take off my smoke laden clothes and shove them under the bed, get on clean underwear and t-shirt and cover the blinds and get under the covers. Peace at last, then a turn then another turn , then stay still motionless, another turn. Then the pillow. What about a wank, yeah that will help. I cast my mind back to the motel, think of the best moment and away I go. Wait what if I stop and make a call. I can get more money, can't I No stop stop stop. I bust a nut thank god, now I have to sleep, can't smoke if I can't get my freak on. God I hate myself. what is wrong with me. Ah yes Suicide my friend, I can always think of you, but then I am selfish to my little un. Gotta get tough, gotta tough it out, I will and then it will be never again. Yeah Fuck it, I can get through this, what ever I lose I will beat it. I will not end up on the street. I will not end up on the street. So far so good.
Didn't think all that was going to come out but it did, Now it's 11.01 I am clean and it's time to go upstairs take my meds, Fluoxetine and Aplenzin and get busy facing life UGhhhhhhhhhh! but I can and I will do it. See you tomorrow whoever is listening..... I am.
I don't have much anger towards family that have affected me negatively right now but more feeling of self pity.
I want to be able to get the day to day things done that I need to- Face the music so to speak, get motivated and say fuck the world. I am still here and I am surviving and I will do more than just survive so guess what get outta my face. Deep sigh of relief again, I need to do what someone told me and that is just start something you have to do and say you are only going to do it for 10 minutes and see where it takes you. Hell I know where it took me when I say I'm only going to spend three hours and only x amount of money. Yeah right. And I know where it takes me when I say I am only going to log on for 10 minutes and then the morning is gone. So Maybe he is right, just start the shitty things for only 10 minutes and see what happens.
I have spent a lot of time reading BL over the last few days and I think it has helped me stay clean. Maybe not stay productive, it's like a new toy. But I am safe right now. I have been reading a lot of Laceyk's blogs and they have really hit home with me. The glamour of the roach infested hood motel and the Ho I'm falling in love with. The sickening feeling as I leave Dodge and take the long lonely highway home to suburbia. passing all the civilians on their way to work as I pray I don't see my neighbors as I get closer to home and I scream screams of hellish anguish as I arrive home, scrambling I go to the garage and I run to the cupboard on the wall and underneath the car rags is my bottle of vodka still with enough to get me down a little. I swallow the raw vodka from the neck guzzling suckling like a baby calf at his mother's tit. I smoke a smoke like there is only three seconds to get it finished. I am speeding like a mother fucker, hoping the faster I can get into bed the better things will be. And they will, I take off my smoke laden clothes and shove them under the bed, get on clean underwear and t-shirt and cover the blinds and get under the covers. Peace at last, then a turn then another turn , then stay still motionless, another turn. Then the pillow. What about a wank, yeah that will help. I cast my mind back to the motel, think of the best moment and away I go. Wait what if I stop and make a call. I can get more money, can't I No stop stop stop. I bust a nut thank god, now I have to sleep, can't smoke if I can't get my freak on. God I hate myself. what is wrong with me. Ah yes Suicide my friend, I can always think of you, but then I am selfish to my little un. Gotta get tough, gotta tough it out, I will and then it will be never again. Yeah Fuck it, I can get through this, what ever I lose I will beat it. I will not end up on the street. I will not end up on the street. So far so good.
Didn't think all that was going to come out but it did, Now it's 11.01 I am clean and it's time to go upstairs take my meds, Fluoxetine and Aplenzin and get busy facing life UGhhhhhhhhhh! but I can and I will do it. See you tomorrow whoever is listening..... I am.
