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Ok Etiquette to Abandon a Date?

nuttynutskin

nuttynutskin

Bluelighter
Joined
May 15, 2011
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10,755
This was brought up in the Craigslist dating thread...

AnnieGram said:
Once I responded to an ad and the guy sounded GREAT. But I made the mistake of not getting a pic. I met him on a public place, gave him a look and old him I had to go. Dude looked like Whitey from Fear and Loathing. He kept trying to get me to "just go inside for one drink, one drink". I explained, through my car window, that I didn't come there to make friends and have friendly conversation. Like someone else said, if I'm meeting you FOR SEX and I find you UNATTRACTIVE, why waste my time???
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My response...

nuttynutskin said:
Not trying to call you out but couldn't that technically be seen as wasting his time as well? I mean he might have had other things he could've done instead. I've been that guy and I thought it was extremely rude that the date pretty much pulled the same thing on me without even talking to me but for maybe 3 minutes. I think even if there isn't any attraction it's just common courtesy to at least go along with the date you set up at least for a brief amount of time. Not like you ever have to see the person again but that's just my opinion.
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So what are your opinions? Do you guys consider it ok etiquette to abandon someone without even going on the date with them? Imo it's not obviously unless I would say if you felt your safety was at jeopardy or something like that. The way I see it is if the person goes to the trouble to meet up it's kind a slap in the face to just to leave them. Thoughts?
 
but if they already know they wont sleep with the person, then it would be a waste of time to make small talk etc with no intention of taking it anywhere further

if it happened to me id get over it in a couple days or something, no big deal imo

i guess the lesson here is to get a picture before the meetup
 
Mysterie said:
but if they already know they wont sleep with the person, then it would be a waste of time to make small talk etc with no intention of taking it anywhere further
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I guess part of it is what your intentions are. If you're just looking to hook up with the person then yea, it's probably a good idea to know what they look like beforehand lulz. But on the flipside if you're going on a casual date without necessarily having any expectations you still might end up with a new friend or acquaintance even if there's nothing romantic but you have some common interests or something. Not everyone goes on a date to just fuck. And besides if you're already at the bar or coffee shop is it really that much more of a waste of time for the time it took to drive across town to have one cup of coffee and then split? IDK, I just think it's common courtesy provided the person isn't a creeper.

Mysterie said:
if it happened to me id get over it in a couple days or something, no big deal imo
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Oh I was over it before she even left the parking lot and I ended up just buying more drinks for myself that I was planning on getting her. =D I think that leads to another point tho is that I tend to come off creepy to people for some reason especially in dating scenarios I think due to my social ineptitude at times. I'm sure some dates probably thought I was an axe murderer but it's kind of hard to make them see that you're not when they talk to you for about 2 minutes and then run off. :\ Kind of hard to get to know someone in that amount of time IMO.
 
Why fret?

Nobody owes us time. Why continue wasting it? I would probably still take time with someone even if not interested. I can't be mean to someone outright, or reject them outright. My heart won't allow it. But nobody owes anyone more, in the instance outlined. And you should let it go, if this happens to you. Once something is started, and time is shared, this is a another subject.

Meeting for sex, only, though.. I take the girl's side. But I wouldn't meet someone (for sex) without seeing their picture.
 
It depends on your intentions. Yeah, it's kinda mean, but why lead the person on if nothing is going to happen?

In her case, all she wanted was sex and she didn't want to have sex with that guy so it makes sense to not continue it. Yes, it could be seen as wasting his time as well so at least she didn't waste both of their time.

And abandoning a date part way through... I presume you mean when two people are generally on a first date, someone decides he/she isn't interested and just leaves. If they don't like the other person then okay. I mean, I don't think I'd have the guts to do it but I get it.
 
For a Craigslist response, anything goes, IMO. For a "serious" dating site, though, I'd consider it a no-no--for me.

That said, we're talking about about a case of misrepresentation.
 
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If it was all about sex then I completely agree with where she was coming from. You are basing your attraction on a physical standpoint alone, there is no getting to know them to the point where you find them attractive. Looking for someone to just fuck is a selfish endeavor and I don't think there's anything wrong with that, feelings are purposely pushed aside.

I don't think there was any way that this could of been handled differently. I guess a picture may of helped but I have met people who didn't look much like their photos before.
 
When I was single I would use the internet to meet people to date. I wanted to date people, not do a hook up, 1 night stand, or NSA hook up.

I've posted about this before but some wanted to have sex right then and there in public in a coffeeshop bathroom or go to their place and I just said how that was not going to happen, finished my espresso, and said how it was nice meeting them but this was not going to work out and then left.

If I were still single and did date someone and they said to me after meeting me in public, "It was nice meeting you but this isn't going to work out." I wouldn't be offended or think that I was being "abandoned".
 
i think either party is free to leave a date at any point in the evening. if somebody's not for me, they're not for me and vice versa. people should try to take these kinds of things less personally.

alasdair
 
well i have had quite a few dates where i should have ended it earlier than i did.

the worst one was this dude with terrible bad breath so bad it made me wanna be sick. also he was fatter than his pictures. i ended up getting drunk with him cos the disappointment of going home straight away is hard to deal with. when i said i wasn't interested tears started welling in his eyes and he said "don't worry it happens all the time", (yeah cos you dont wash your teeth/go to the dentist). so fucking awkward8)

there are people i know who would walk instantly in those situations but i kind of feel like i haven't the evil side to just kitten hammer these lame runts. i wish i did but i end up just getting drunk. recently same sort of thing but the guy got me drunk and then i ended up back at his. hmm without alcohol that would definitely not have happened even though he had good personality he just wasn't hot so now i'm being a nazi over pictures
 
AnnieGram said:
Awww I don't think I'm cold or have an evil side. I just hate awkward times and I'm big into self preservation. I would rather have a very brief, possibly intensely awkward situation with a stranger never to be seen again than a long, drawn out mild to moderate awkward time sitting and small talking. I don't regret it and everyone benefits from my straightforwardness in the long haul :) now that I think about it, he mentioned many times in email that if at any point I didn't want to continue, I wasn't obligated to. My reaction didn't seem to really shock him more than disappoint.
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i'm not saying its bad i just wish i could develop that capacity cos dates in london are just wasting my time a lot
 
AnnieGram said:
Wow. Allow me to clarify myself here as well since you decided to start a whole new thread on it. You keep referring to it as a "date". Maybe when YOU had YOUR experience, it was a date. I made it clear, repeatedly, that MY situation was one of 2 people meeting specifically for sex and maybe occasional playful banter in between. Neither of us were looking for or in a position to be in a relationship. And yes, not getting a pic was a one and only one time mistake. Lesson learned.
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First off sorry if you felt like I'm putting you on the defensive, I just really wondered what other people's opinions were on this sort of thing. And yes you're right that my situation wasn't exactly the same... But to be perfectly honest even as a guy I couldn't picture just meeting someone off the internet and going straight to have sex with them without at least going out for drinks or something first even if it was just a one time thing. And I don't mean that as a dig at you, but maybe I'm just old fashioned. :\

AnnieGram said:
I would like to echo the sentiments of "you don't owe anyone your time". I am a form believer of this. I am not a rude person. Trust me, rejecting ANYONE is not something I derive pleasure from. But I am a introverted person at times and I can be picky about friends and mates. This reminds me of the typical "nice guys finish last" attitude. Just because you think you're doing everything right doesn't mean you're entitled to anyone's affections. In 10 seconds I can see 10 things I love or 10 things I hate. It really can be that quick. And I saw a lot that I didn't like as soon as I saw him. So sue me for politely telling him "listen, I can't do this and I'm sorry but I have to leave." If there was a more tactful way for me to do that, please nut sack, I emplore you to let me know.
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That's your prerogative, maybe I just got the wrong impression. I don't see the need for hidden insults tho, it was not my intention to make this personal. Like I said I just wanted to try to get a better understanding of the other side.

AnnieGram said:
And BTW, fearing for your safety is not the only valid reason for spending time with someone. It takes a bit more than "I won't kill you, therefore you need to talk to me". Not everyone uses Craigslist out of sexual desperation.
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That wasn't my point, but never mind.
 
It's pretty short sighted to simply bale particularly if you planned to meet at a bar first. Surely having a wing man of the opposite sex would aid both of you getting laid that night despite no initial attraction between you.
 
Yeah I'm really glad I'm not doing the internet dating thing anymore and finally found someone I can see myself with for the long haul. ;) The amount of bs that you have to go through with the internet shit is just ridiculous, and that's not even counting the spam and fake accounts.
 
alasdairm said:
i think either party is free to leave a date at any point in the evening. if somebody's not for me, they're not for me and vice versa. people should try to take these kinds of things less personally.

alasdair
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This 100% - sorry your not what I expected. Thanks for taking the time to meet up in person - take care.
 
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