Oh God Not Again

[GoldenLovely]

So I was on my way downtown Friday. I don't like driving there, so I went to a park and ride where you can leave your car and take a bus.
The bus comes, I get on , go to sit down. Then next thing I know I'm coming to in an ambulance on the way to the hospital. The paramedic tells me Ive had a friggin seizure.
This is the second time this has happened. Though the first time I wouldn't let them call 911. So now I wind up in the ER with no insurance and God knows how huge this bill is going to be.
I know its from the tramadol, but when I go a few hours without it, I get terrible withdrawals...So no matter what I do, I'm screwed. Sigh, this sucks and Ive no one to blame but myself. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'll probably try to get on suboxone, maybe that'll help.

 

[skillz~4~thrillz]

Tramadol WILL cause seizures if you take more than the prescribed dose. Even though you think you have a tolerance,ANY drug that has high potential for seizure should be taken as prescribed. I have had a seizure-not from tramadol- although I took it for a while to help detox off opiates at the end of a 9mo tapering off.
Don't worry about the bill-I have no insurance either. The important thing is that you received medical attention. There will be a period of fuzziness in your brain known as Postictal state. you need to inform yourself on this so you know what to expect in the near future. My Postictal state lasted almost 6 weeks bc my seizure was so severe. Also read up on Tramadol-even if you have before-it is not something to play around with. here is the link to some info on tramadol-but i highly suggest you do your own research bc there is a shit load of info out there: Tramadol, Tramadol addiction/dosage ect...these are only 2 threads I found using the search engine. there are pages-probably 100 threads on tramadol. just do the research and avoid another seizure. The important thing is you received medical care. Don't worry about the money and no insurance-YOU are more important.
Be safe and Stay safe!!!
Much peace and love......................................skillz

 

[GoldenLovely]

Thank you skillz, for your supportive words and the information you've given me. I appreciate it. I don't know how long the fuzziness will last, but when I was in the ambulance the day before yesterday, they kept having to repeat what was going on several times. I really had no idea. I sort of still thought I as on the bus heading downtown.
When I was in the hospital, they asked me if it ever happened before and I said no. I wasn't lying. I was so out of it, I forgot about that first time it happened a month ago. Then I started to remember, but only pieces of it. It took me a day to remember exactly what happened last time and it was pretty much the same thing as happened Friday. Only that time they said I'd "passed out", but I know it was the same thing. Some kind of F**ed up seizure caused by my F**ed up habit. Of course I tried to go a few hours cold turkey yesterday with no Tram and I was almost jumping out of my skin. Things have got to get better soon, they have just got to. I'm just so glad that this site exists. Otherwise I wouldn't be able to tell anyone what's going on with me. Its my dirty little secret.
All I know is I'm sure glad this place exist. Its the only place I can tell people what's really going on with me. All the other people that know me only get half the story. Boy woud

 

[BIGsherm7272]

Well if you absolutely can't wait out the 4 or 5 days of withdrawals, then I highly recommend you get on suboxone or subutex for the sake of your own safety. What kind of doses are you taking? Remember that you should never exceed 400mg a day, and if you can help it less than that.

 

[effie]

GoldenLovely, I'm so sorry to hear you went through that, it sounds horrible! The info Skillz found is great, definitely have a read

You've had two seizures now - it is definitely time to taper off the tramadol.. if it's impossible to do without a maintenance programme, then that might be a good idea. I think you need to go to see a doctor and be honest about the situation, and see what they suggest. I know it's hard, and expensive, but it's really not safe at all to keep having seizures, and your safety is the most important thing

What dose of tramadol are you taking at the moment?

Keep talking to us - no one will judge you here, get it all out it is hugely liberating to be able to tell people a secret like that. You may be surprised by how your friends react, and some real-world support could be great, but if it's not an option then you always have us

 

[Bojangles69]

Wierd how only a few weeks since everyone got on your case for the doses you were taking. Well since "I" got on your case I should say.
No need to try & scare you any further I'm sure the addiction has sunken its talons a little to deep into your psych. But on another hand you have also always been a type of maintenance addict regardless of the hi doses you're on. You always seem to be on the same dose you don't binge you just maintain really it seems.

Thats the only reason I'm recommending that you at minimum taper your habit down. Of course you can't go a few hours w/out the drug but can you take maybe 500mg instead of 700mg or whatever you current use is at? Just take 1 less pill then the day before. And every week subtract that 1 pill. It doesn't really get difficult till you get super low and are ready to jump off.

Or like others said go on sub. Its fairly easy to get a script at least where I live and god did I feel like living hell on tram I just do not tolerate tram well at all for more than a couple weeks. After that I feel like a dizzy zombied out mess of a person. Eyes always twitching always strung out feeling. Decision is up to you but like others said you are really playing with fire here.

 

[GoldenLovely]

Once again you have all given me some valuable insight and I appreciate it all. I have already started to cut down on the tram and if I cannot taper off completely within a few weeks, then I will definitely see a doctor about suboxone. From what I've heard from some of the people here, its pretty close to a miracle drug as far as getting off of other opiates.

You know the ironic thing is, I spent most of my life extremely overweight. Until 3 years ago I was super morbidly obese...but I never touched drugs..at all. Ok, once in my whole life I smoked a joint that was passed to me at a concert. That was the extent of my "drug use". After I had weight loss surgery, I was amazingly successful at losing weight and maintaining it.

But for whatever reasons, I was drawn to other habits that I've become mired in. There really was no one reason. It was a combination of everything from RLS to fear of the unknown to God knows what, but whatever the reasons. I went from over eating to opiates.

What I'm about to say may make many of you shake your head. You might not understand it and it might even disgust you, but if I'm to ever heal, I have to get these feelings out. As scary as this experience was, if getting off of these drugs meant that I would have to gain my weight back, I dont think I could do it. I never ever want to wake up in the back of an ambulance again, being poked and prodded by strangers, but as awful as that was, there is only one thing worse. Being a fat lady in this society. I would rather be six feet under than an obese woman again. When you're a fat girl in this society, its like you're nothing- a huge, shambling , swollen nothing. Not that drug addicts are exactly well respected, but its alot easier to keep drugs as one's dirty little secret then it is to hide a body the size of the Hindenburg.

When I was lying in one of the ER cubicles, someone came by...dont know if it was a doctor, or a male nurse, but he told me that I looked very pretty that day...and damned if I wasn't grateful for the compliment. I just had a seizure, I bit my tongue, I fell and could have cracked my head open, but as long as someone thinks I'm pretty, then Im happy...well maybe not happy, but something resembling happiness...I know its fucked up , but this is probably the only place I can express these feelings. Please don't judge me, this is the only place I really feel safe telling the absolute truth and I thank you all for listening.

 

[Ixchellian]

^---- note: tramadol sucks, plain & simple....... and of the evils, suboxone is definitely of the lesser variety.

But sub isn't a miracle drug for getting off opiates; it's only a miracle drug for getting off of other opiates, and getting onto extended suboxone-maintenance therapy instead.
The difference may feel like a miracle considering how you react to tramadol, but don't be tempted to think that suboxone itself is any easier to withdraw from in the end.
Along with methadone, withdrawal off of suboxone drags out far longer than shorter-acting opiates. Suboxone just seems to have fewer nasty side-effects, as opposed to those possessed by methadone..... although methadone has a much better utility for treating chronic-pain.

In addition; switching from tramadol to a completely different opiate first and then trying to taper off/quit, is counterproductive on several levels. I understand avoiding further seizures & whatnot, but try to drop the tramadol as low as you can manage before switching to a different maintenance opiate. It's a lot safer & effective to judge & titrate maintenance doses of a new opiate up/down, when your DOC opiate levels are already near zero, and the first twinges of dope-sickness start to be felt constant.

IMHO, its always better to start opiates at the lowest level which will afford definite relief; rather than trying overpower one opiate with another until a difference is felt, and then working down from there.... if that makes sense.

 

[herbavore]

What I'm about to say may make many of you shake your head. You might not understand it and it might even disgust you, but if I'm to ever heal, I have to get these feelings out. As scary as this experience was, if getting off of these drugs meant that I would have to gain my weight back, I dont think I could do it. I never ever want to wake up in the back of an ambulance again, being poked and prodded by strangers, but as awful as that was, there is only one thing worse. Being a fat lady in this society. I would rather be six feet under than an obese woman again. When you're a fat girl in this society, its like you're nothing- a huge, shambling , swollen nothing. Not that drug addicts are exactly well respected, but its alot easier to keep drugs as one's dirty little secret then it is to hide a body the size of the Hindenburg.

When I was lying in one of the ER cubicles, someone came by...dont know if it was a doctor, or a male nurse, but he told me that I looked very pretty that day...and damned if I wasn't grateful for the compliment. I just had a seizure, I bit my tongue, I fell and could have cracked my head open, but as long as someone thinks I'm pretty, then Im happy...well maybe not happy, but something resembling happiness...I know its fucked up , but this is probably the only place I can express these feelings. Please don't judge me, this is the only place I really feel safe telling the absolute truth and I thank you all for listening.

You certainly don't disgust me and I'm sure what you are saying is understandable to every woman and quite a few men (the level of self-loathing is the same for fat men as fat women IMO). No matter what size we are, if we are women, we worry about being fat:we are either trying not to be or hating ourselves if we are. Young women mess up their metabolism and die over this every day. I imagine your level of fear about gaining the weight back is huge--but letting the idea take hold in your mind that getting free of your drug dependence will cause you to gain it back sounds even scarier to me. Being free of self-loathing should be the goal for all of us. It takes so many forms, has so many individual starting points --sexuality, addiction, obesity, social anxiety, etc. the list goes on and on. Working on that while you work on your taper seems like it might give you strength for that ordeal. As long as we are unable to be at home in ourselves without someone else' approval, we are vulnerable to all sorts of life-threatening behaviors. You are not alone in this

 

[Snarky91]

...there is only one thing worse. Being a fat lady in this society. I would rather be six feet under than an obese woman again. When you're a fat girl in this society, its like you're nothing- a huge, shambling , swollen nothing. Not that drug addicts are exactly well respected, but its alot easier to keep drugs as one's dirty little secret then it is to hide a body the size of the Hindenburg.

When I was lying in one of the ER cubicles, someone came by...dont know if it was a doctor, or a male nurse, but he told me that I looked very pretty that day...and damned if I wasn't grateful for the compliment. I just had a seizure, I bit my tongue, I fell and could have cracked my head open, but as long as someone thinks I'm pretty, then Im happy...well maybe not happy, but something resembling happiness...I know its fucked up , but this is probably the only place I can express these feelings. Please don't judge me, this is the only place I really feel safe telling the absolute truth and I thank you all for listening.

Is it like what you're suggesting is drugs help you mantain a desirable weight? I judge fat people harshly because I feel like it's something within a person's control.. whereas to some extent a person can't control his height, appearance, physical attributes, and the circumstances he is born into. Have you thought about controlling your weight through diet and exercise instead of drugs?

 

[Bojangles69]

Well thanks for sharing that Golden I think it both had to be said and heard. In a world where obesity is so common I doubt anyone ever takes a minute from their day to imagine what it must be like to be an obese female. I don't even think its that they get treated badly (well after highschool I'd imagine most of the insults would stop) I think its that they are more ignored/neglected than anything. And noone really has any idea what its like to be ignored time and time again for some rail thin kunt of a woman that winds up getting all the mens attention. It is saddening and its just another reason I like to ignore all the barbie doll looking women of this world. I will talk to an obese woman, or a 7 or an 8 but I never talk to the 10's because even the insecure ones seem to be full of themselves as ironic as it must sound.
And god just to be a woman in that position really makes it so much worse. My dad has been overweight his entire life (around 350lbs most of his life) but he's always seemed like a rock solid confident guy. And I never really grasped any insecurities between him and his weight because he was literally never skinny his entire life. Even as a teenager he was very fat and he always seemed to be happy about it.

Then I have a male friend 23 years old who was fat for most his life untill he turned 21 and traded his eating addiction for a steroid addiction. 3 months ago he was ripped and in excellent shape, but he can not control his use of steroids whatsoever. I have noticed time and time again everytime he comes off cycle, or goes lifting for too long w/out steroids, he starts to eat A LOT. And now he is back at 250lbs. So he got himself on cycle, and has already lost 20lbs again. The kid literally just keeps going back and forth from fat and off cycle/out of the gym, to back in the gym/in excellent shape and its weird that I always see him as the same person. Fat or in shape, he's just a guy struggling with his addictions.

However. To hear you say that you'd rather be addicted to opiates, than be a fat female in society, really proves what a sickening fucking world we live in. Either way regardless of whether you are fat or on opiates you should know both ways you are "Golden", and thats all that matters. Opiates have always done the opposite for me though which is weird. Off opiates I was like 8% bodyfat and pretty shredded up. On opiates I don't exactly look fat but I'm nearing 23% BF which is definitely borderline obese. And even as a guy I FUCKING HATE having a stomach. At times I refuse to put my head down because it makes my tiny double chin protrude. You get treated VERY differently when you put on even a tiny bit of weight male or female. I use to have conversations struck up with me almost everyday when I was in shape and now its the lack of attention that gets to me the most. People really don't think about it a lot but we are all so subconsciously attracted to "good genes". I've only really put on about 30lbs and the difference in how I use to get treated is day & night. This is for a GUY. So I couldn't even imagine what its like for women. Then you wind up with so many skinny girls who are just fucking angry and bitter and they have no real idea why. Its the pressure society keeps on them everyday they are skinny and even skinny girls have to hear fat jokes any time they decide to splurge and eat something they "shouldn't". Theres always this awareness in their heads like "I have no choice I have to be this way in order to be accepted" and it would anger me too. Pretty crazy stuff just to think about it we all got our own share of shit to deal with fat or not. I'll tell you coming from someone who has an obese father and loves the shit out of him I will also say that fat people appall (sp) me. And the ONLY reason they do is because everytime I see a fat person eating shit food I'm immediately hit by an image of an IV heroin user shooting dope. Thats exactly what I see anytime I see a fat person. Like wow, these people are getting high same exact fucking way a dopehead would, just that society will accept the fat person [somewhat] and not ridicule them for their problems but a dopefiend has to listen to the shit everyday. Its ok to tell the drug addicts they are losers or pieces of shit or need more self control but with fat people you gotta keep all that shit in your head. God forbid if you ever confront them on their shortcomings. I'm not saying we should either I'm more speaking in disgust for the way addicts get treated in this world too. Basically unless you are "perfect" and attractive to look at you're fucked. Who the hell is going to marry you? lol. Ok Im getting a bit out of hand here. But thats almost the way I feel sometimes this is all coming from a guy too. Crazy shit.

 

[effie]

GoldenLovely.. I feel you. I really do. We live in a world so obsessed with our looks.. society has twisted and twisted what values people use to judge others (actually, more commonly, what values we use to judge ourselves) and physical appearance should be right at the bottom imo!

The thoughts you are having about your weight are very common, and are shared by a lot of us both on the site and in the world as a whole. However, I think the value you place on them and your preceptions of how your self-worth is tied to your weight and appearance has become too much for you to tackle on your own. Have you ever spoken to a professional about this? I really think it could help you a lot..

Thank you so much for sharing this with us. You are strong and brave and a wonderful lady, don't lose sight of that