James48712
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jan 30, 2016
- Messages
- 6
Throughout this whole mess I promised myself I wouldn't make one of these posts. I had avoided forums altogether until after I made the jump, mainly because there really are so many bad stories. Needless to say, this has been a humbling experience, my ego is shattered, and I've been brought to my knees. I need 1 paragraph to explain myself and one more to explain where I'm at currently. I know these suboxone posts are a dime a dozen but I'm really hoping a few people that have been in my shoes can just say anything positive or encouraging to rejuvenate my motivation to be strong and see this through.
i am 28, male, college educated and work full time in sales/finance. It started when I was 24... Oxy is a problem around where I live. I had been prescribed to 5mg percs a few times for various reasons and the euphoria was something I had never experienced. So once I had the taste, and I saw a lot of my friends taking them recreationally while we were out partying, it was inevitable. I graduated to bigger doses, and ultimately got to the point where I was breaking down 30mg oxycodone into lines and doing 120mg a day. Until this point, I believed that addiction was a choice, a mental state of weakness that I was not susceptible to. I obviously did not understand the concept of physical dependence. It was too late by the time I realized I needed to stop. I never fell as far as some do- I kept my job, I never stole anything, never went to jail, etc. my smack in the face was when my best friends of 10-15 years started going through those things, and I lost my girlfriend of a long time. She was a nurse and I think just disgusted that I went down that path. I tried once to quit cold turkey- it was a Labor Day weekend a few years ago. I laid around my apt from Friday afternoon through the Monday holiday. I panicked because I had to go back to work and didn't stick it out. I always regret not just calling out a few days- if I could have toughed through a bit more I don't think I'd have had to deal with subs. That was the first time I went through real withdrawal and when I realized how crippling it can be, I became obsessively terrified of it. I get that some people don't have it as bad, and there will always be some who feed you the mind over matter line, but my personal feeling is that it is the worst thing I've ever experienced. It took several more months of abuse before I made it to the sub dr. I started subs @ 8mg per day, and stayed there for a year. Once the changes that suboxone brings to your life settled in, I wanted out- badly. I lost touch with pretty much everybody- family, friends, etc. I stopped going out socially, stopped everything. Literally all I did or wanted to do was go to work, come home and play video games, ALONE. always alone. I started tapering after the first year, and within 3 months, I was down to 3mg a day. This turned into a plateau.. Fast fwd a bit and at the 2 year mark I had myself tapered down to 1mg per day. I tried to align when I would jump with the Christmas holiday because I had a good bit of time off. In the end I followed robert's taper as best I could, between 3mg to 1mg, but fell behind my schedule and had to make some sacrifices to utilize my holiday for the acute wd. From 1mg (after stabilizing over 5-6 days) on Xmas day, I took .75mg the next day, skipped a day, took .5mg, skipped a day, another .5mg 2 days in a row, and then I stopped completely. I know that's a weird ending...it was due to my work schedule and the days I had off. I wasn't goi to be able to have any days off again for at least a month, and I needed to be able to lay around for a bit so it is what it is.
The first 2 weeks were brutal. No need to explain- after 3.5 years of daily use (1.5 of oxy and 2 of sub), it was opiate withdrawal. The third week I started to feel better, and then this past week (week 4), I believe what is known as PAWS set in. I have always had issues with anxiety but now it is unbearable. I am so depressed my inside voice almost has me convinced that what I'm doing isn't worth the pain. And my biggest issue- I still have no energy. This has always been my most personal issue with WD. I was really only able to lay around the first 4 days of WD and then I had to go back to work on day 5, and I've been struggling with lethargy and fatigue the entire time (aside from the other symptoms). To add some context, I am a sales rep for a finance company. I work in close proximity to about 10-15 other guys (our desks are all in a small office), and I have literally been dealing with this stupid WD while I go to work from 8a-6p 5 days a week, while trying to be productive in a super critical sales environment. I hate to sound cheesy, but imagine going to work in the office from the movie boiler room while withdrawling. It's been a nightmare. I said I had the Flu at first, and now I've just been doing my best to fly under the radar, but they absolutely know something is wrong with me. I do have rx for clonidine and muscle relaxer, and I've been taking vitamin b, c, ginseng, and L-tyrosine. I smoke bud daily at night so that I can at least relax a bit, but very minimal sleep regardless. I bought a stationery bike and I am doing 3-4 20-30min rides per week for cardio/exercise, and my dad has been ultra supportive throughout the whole ordeal. I feel like I am doing everything right and yet after a month of 100% clean, I feel like I'm going to crack.
i had to talk myself out of making a call to grab a few percs last night. I just want relief so badly, and between the last 3 months of tapering low and one month off, I can essentially say I've felt like shit everyday for 4 months. I know I know I know I know this isn't permanent, but DAMN, when will it let me go? I had this notion while tapering that after I jumped off, I would wake up one day in a glorious return to form, like nothing had ever happened and I'd be back to normal. I see now it's a process, marathon and not a race type deal. But I still haven't even woken up to feel decent any day. And I'm tired of talking to people that don't understand what I'm going through. I've only opened up to a few people and it's clear they don't get it. They either think I'm dramatic or that it's like a cold and will just pass. I probably should have done some type of meetings or counseling, but I am very proud, pessimistic, and have introvert qualities- the thought of pouring my heart out to strangers is laughable to me. I just won't. At least in a forum it's anon.
Please show me some love. Advice/feedback/encouragement is what I'm looking for. Not to be condescending, but spare me the lectures, spare me speculations that are not based on fact or real experience, and if you haven't been through exactly what I'm going through, there's no need for you to comment. I just want to get through the end stages and move on with my life. THANKS
i am 28, male, college educated and work full time in sales/finance. It started when I was 24... Oxy is a problem around where I live. I had been prescribed to 5mg percs a few times for various reasons and the euphoria was something I had never experienced. So once I had the taste, and I saw a lot of my friends taking them recreationally while we were out partying, it was inevitable. I graduated to bigger doses, and ultimately got to the point where I was breaking down 30mg oxycodone into lines and doing 120mg a day. Until this point, I believed that addiction was a choice, a mental state of weakness that I was not susceptible to. I obviously did not understand the concept of physical dependence. It was too late by the time I realized I needed to stop. I never fell as far as some do- I kept my job, I never stole anything, never went to jail, etc. my smack in the face was when my best friends of 10-15 years started going through those things, and I lost my girlfriend of a long time. She was a nurse and I think just disgusted that I went down that path. I tried once to quit cold turkey- it was a Labor Day weekend a few years ago. I laid around my apt from Friday afternoon through the Monday holiday. I panicked because I had to go back to work and didn't stick it out. I always regret not just calling out a few days- if I could have toughed through a bit more I don't think I'd have had to deal with subs. That was the first time I went through real withdrawal and when I realized how crippling it can be, I became obsessively terrified of it. I get that some people don't have it as bad, and there will always be some who feed you the mind over matter line, but my personal feeling is that it is the worst thing I've ever experienced. It took several more months of abuse before I made it to the sub dr. I started subs @ 8mg per day, and stayed there for a year. Once the changes that suboxone brings to your life settled in, I wanted out- badly. I lost touch with pretty much everybody- family, friends, etc. I stopped going out socially, stopped everything. Literally all I did or wanted to do was go to work, come home and play video games, ALONE. always alone. I started tapering after the first year, and within 3 months, I was down to 3mg a day. This turned into a plateau.. Fast fwd a bit and at the 2 year mark I had myself tapered down to 1mg per day. I tried to align when I would jump with the Christmas holiday because I had a good bit of time off. In the end I followed robert's taper as best I could, between 3mg to 1mg, but fell behind my schedule and had to make some sacrifices to utilize my holiday for the acute wd. From 1mg (after stabilizing over 5-6 days) on Xmas day, I took .75mg the next day, skipped a day, took .5mg, skipped a day, another .5mg 2 days in a row, and then I stopped completely. I know that's a weird ending...it was due to my work schedule and the days I had off. I wasn't goi to be able to have any days off again for at least a month, and I needed to be able to lay around for a bit so it is what it is.
The first 2 weeks were brutal. No need to explain- after 3.5 years of daily use (1.5 of oxy and 2 of sub), it was opiate withdrawal. The third week I started to feel better, and then this past week (week 4), I believe what is known as PAWS set in. I have always had issues with anxiety but now it is unbearable. I am so depressed my inside voice almost has me convinced that what I'm doing isn't worth the pain. And my biggest issue- I still have no energy. This has always been my most personal issue with WD. I was really only able to lay around the first 4 days of WD and then I had to go back to work on day 5, and I've been struggling with lethargy and fatigue the entire time (aside from the other symptoms). To add some context, I am a sales rep for a finance company. I work in close proximity to about 10-15 other guys (our desks are all in a small office), and I have literally been dealing with this stupid WD while I go to work from 8a-6p 5 days a week, while trying to be productive in a super critical sales environment. I hate to sound cheesy, but imagine going to work in the office from the movie boiler room while withdrawling. It's been a nightmare. I said I had the Flu at first, and now I've just been doing my best to fly under the radar, but they absolutely know something is wrong with me. I do have rx for clonidine and muscle relaxer, and I've been taking vitamin b, c, ginseng, and L-tyrosine. I smoke bud daily at night so that I can at least relax a bit, but very minimal sleep regardless. I bought a stationery bike and I am doing 3-4 20-30min rides per week for cardio/exercise, and my dad has been ultra supportive throughout the whole ordeal. I feel like I am doing everything right and yet after a month of 100% clean, I feel like I'm going to crack.
i had to talk myself out of making a call to grab a few percs last night. I just want relief so badly, and between the last 3 months of tapering low and one month off, I can essentially say I've felt like shit everyday for 4 months. I know I know I know I know this isn't permanent, but DAMN, when will it let me go? I had this notion while tapering that after I jumped off, I would wake up one day in a glorious return to form, like nothing had ever happened and I'd be back to normal. I see now it's a process, marathon and not a race type deal. But I still haven't even woken up to feel decent any day. And I'm tired of talking to people that don't understand what I'm going through. I've only opened up to a few people and it's clear they don't get it. They either think I'm dramatic or that it's like a cold and will just pass. I probably should have done some type of meetings or counseling, but I am very proud, pessimistic, and have introvert qualities- the thought of pouring my heart out to strangers is laughable to me. I just won't. At least in a forum it's anon.
Please show me some love. Advice/feedback/encouragement is what I'm looking for. Not to be condescending, but spare me the lectures, spare me speculations that are not based on fact or real experience, and if you haven't been through exactly what I'm going through, there's no need for you to comment. I just want to get through the end stages and move on with my life. THANKS
