• HEALTH & RECOVERY
    Welcome Guest
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Thread Directory 1 Thread Directory 2
    Mindfulness Links Addiction & Mind
    Sober Living Partner Program (SLiPP)
  • H&R Moderators: streaM Freak

Of the hopeless variety..

S

Schottyiv

Greenlighter
Joined
Nov 23, 2013
Messages
10
Well idk here I am again back in full blown active junkie mode. I'm 19 years old and have been an iv opiate heroin user since 16 and been in love with opiates since 14. I'm currently 3 months back into a relapse after being clean around 3 or 4 months. I've been in and out of rehabs halfway houses iop programs you name it.

I can't stop. I can't go 6 hours without sticking a needle in my arm. I'm using about 2 grams a day already, it's true when they say you pick up where u left off. My family doesn't know in using and I'm on my last chance, they have no reason to stick around and watch me die, which I would bet is in my near future. I'm what AA would call a hopeless case. As much as I sincerely don't want to do dope I've lost control over it. I don't have a drug of choice I have a drug of no choice. I've lost the ability of choice.

Idk what to do I've worked the steps. I involved myself in my AA community and I've aaked whatever god or higher power that's out there for the will to do this thing. I have a couple subs I could detox with but I can't make it 24 hours needed for myself to begin induction.

So this is my hopeless ramble that I needed to put somewhere here besides my head.
 
I can relate to our situation. I am a 19 year old IV heroin/ meth/ cocaine/ suboxone/ everything user. There is hope out there. He most important thing is that you never give up on yourself. You deserve so much more than ashore life doing heroin. I think in odder to stay sober your environment and what you make of it. Surround yourself with sober peopel, do some sober activities you like. Could your family maybe afford a 2-3 week detox to get the ball rolling. I know how you feel the needle is a succubus, syringes will make you succumb to he urge of obsession . I still think about needles all the time, but a huge thing I have learned is hat even If I think about doing something, doesn't neccessarily mean that I have to do it.

I am here to talk if u need support. Keep your head up and stay postuvie. If you really want it there will come a day where you will succeed
 
Hey Schotty and welcome to Blue Light:D. addiction is a pretty tough thin to tackle and it takes most of us a few times to identify what we need to do on a daily basis to promote a peaceful, enjoyable, and successful recovery. I think one of the most important things to be successful is to place your recovery above everything else in your life. In the begining it has to be number one if we are going to make it. Everyone "fails" at everything until they succeed. ;)

I like a little wisdom from TE when it comes to battling addiction.

Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.
Thomas A. Edison

Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
Thomas A. Edison

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
Thomas A. Edison

There's a way to do it better - find it.
Thomas A. Edison

You can do this.. make your recovery your number one priority for a while and you may be surprised with how well you do. Have you thought of getting an naloxone implant to help you through the begining?

Naloxone Implant
 
Thank you for the responses. I don't mean to sound rude or like I know it all but I know what in supposed to do to stay sober I mean I understand that I need to put it first but I'm not happy clean either. It's easier for me to fake being happy clean but I don't enjoy the recovery community in my area. I'm not sure why I just don't click which is surprising to me because Ive always had a wide variety of friends growing up. But to be honest I'm not oka with myself sober. When I'm using I am it fills the void I have inside.

I have thought of the nax treatment but I have a few chronic illnesses that at some points and times requires hospitalization n pain med administration. Idk I'm pretty convinced I'm going to die a junkie. I don't see much alternative. I know how to stay sober I really do but I've lost my ability to choose that way of life willpower doesn't work for me. I'm wondering if I should get back on suboxone or methadone n do that for a few years so I can at least function. Any idea on that?

@lacaster
Currently my parents think I'm clean n if they were to find out I'm using I would be basically disowned they have exhausted all if there resources on trying to help me get clean and tbh theyve done to much for me n I can't stand to break there hearts again
 
jedi-master-yoda-quotes-meditation-school.jpg
 
There are a whole bunch of people that are posting today and looking to kick so Im going to introduce you all buy linking all your threads in all your threads. I encourage you to participate in their efforts as this is kinda how we addicts get down this crazy ass river.. tied to one another.. that way hopefully when one person is sinking the others can give a hand.


Need it, I don't want it.. But I fear when I'm not on it...
Need help quitting oxycodone - Urgent
Need support trying to kick dope....I need help
stuck on smack need advice im in a bind and dont know what to do
Of the hopeless variety..
j_rod &&& AnneB

Obviously we will have shuffles as life progresses but since so many of us seem to be in the same boat at the exact same time I thought that a really string kick support may form so I will pass this around.


You can do this!!!!!
 
Hey Schottyiv, I was almost going to start a thread for myself saying how shit my life is at the moment, but honestly, I'm just having a bad couple of days. I was where you are about 4 years ago. I felt like I was literally out-of-control with heroin use, and looking back I was. It wasn't until I caused a precipitated withdrawal for myself by taking suboxone way too soon after using, that I was shocked into stopping. I wouldn't wish that upon you, but sometimes we need a bit of kick up the arse before we start to make changes. But as a warning, if you do keep using you'll probably get that kick at some point, and hopefully it's not fatal. If you can do it, get back on the suboxone or methadone program. The hardest thing is learning to live without drugs, and maybe you need to find another NA group that's different to the one you've tried. I know they vary from meeting to meeting, so maybe you haven't found your people, so to speak. Are you into anything creative? Being creative for me has been the best thing - since giving up heroin I've been to film school, and taught myself web design, and I'm starting my own business. I couldn't do that when using. Now I don't want to use because it would destroy these good things I've done. I'm sure you've got the potential to do something - focus on that, and don't give up on it, and if it's something you enjoy doing, it will help fill that void inside you. Every day clean isn't going to be a easy day, but in time those days become fewer and fewer. All the best to you.
 
It is a brutal struggle to be sure.

I wish I understood what makes us do this.

Don't give up, Schott... whatever you do and whatever you use, please don't stop reaching for sobriety.
 
you aren't hopeless unless you want to be. Bottom line is people less intelligent have kicked bigger habits than yours. You have no excuse. If that sounds harsh, I'm sorry, but the truth is we ultimately are the decision makers. If you want to get clean AND want to stop getting high, there are resources for you. IMO, with that habit, you need to be in a facility for 3-9 months. I think rehab's programs are silly, but the time away from your drug of choice is unparalleled. I went to the Salvation Army. It was a tough place, but they never asked a dime from me, and they sort of saved my life.

I'm not a huge fan of NA, but I'm sure you've heard this phrase, "we don't decide to be addicted, but decide to get clean".

Again, apologize if that seems harsh. I think people, myself included, have used buzz words like "hopeless" as an excuse to themselves and others to continue and not seek help
 
Last edited:
Well as a blessing in disguise i was arrested about 2 n half weeks ago and got the wonderful experience of kicking dope in jail. Im clean now, sort of, i was able to score a couple of subs in jail and have maybe taken 4-8 mg over the 4 days ive been out whenever ive had a craving to do dope. Im moving to florida to get into a halfway house and away from my life, time for another new start. This wasnt my first trip to jail but my first heavy detox in jail, i was doing a good 2+ grams a day of dope before i got popped. So yeah currently the only place i have to live is with people using, but for some reason i just dont want to do dope idk the 23rd i gotta fly out to christmas and dont want to be dope sick during that time but i still dont know if im done, idk whatever for now im clean(ish) and dont have much of an urge right now to go back to it.
 
Well thats one way to get clean. Sorry you had to go through that. I hope the move goes well for you and you are able to find a peaceful life with out the hard addicting drugs! Keep us in the loop if you can and happy holidays=D.
 
Hey schotty, i dont mean to try and understand opiate addiction or try to make it seem less than it is, i myself am wanted to slow down with my meth useage as it has become quite destructive, but i gave up smoking last year and it truly opened up my eyes to addiction as being more of the symtpoms of an underlying "disease" or problem than a problem on its own. I have never tried to give up cold turkey as i know its too hard a jump especially given that it is so easily avaliable and most people at work also smoke, so i have always used zyban or champix. The past 4 years i have tried to stop smoking but the drive and desire to stop was out of some third party expectation that i had designed to stop. This year, i truly wanted to stop for no other reasons than for myself. This is where our two addictions go their separate ways, but the main difference this time is that i did not want to smoke anymore. Three months without smoking now from only half a course of zyban. I have gotten out of the habits and thought process that comes along with nicotine addiction. I loved smoking, i truly did, but now when i take a drag from a cigarette, all i am left with is a foul taste in my mouth as much as i want to enjoy it.

Again, i dont mean to compare apples and oranges like that, but if you do not truly wish to stop i believe it may take more than one attempt. Until now i have fooled myself into thinking that my problem with meth was less than it is but i recognise that i am no longer a weekend warrior and i dont see this getting better on its own. A lot of my friends feel the same way, that it has slowly been spiralling out of control for a lot of us (to a degree where we are uncomfortable with how casual we have become using we and truly into the working week) that we have all decided to take a break from meth and a break from eachother. We have all become comfortable with the routine of finishing the working week, getting cooked all weekend. smoking during the week to ease the come down has slowly crept in for all of us, so not only are we going to stop smoking (smashing pipes/cutting ties with dealers) but we are going to take a break from eachother so that the environment is not against us either. Meeting up for a meal and a couple of drinks at the pub is definately on the cards as we still want to see eachother, but we dont want to keep the routine of gathering here on the weekends and hanging around doing fuck all and smoking meth for something to do. Writing this down has been quite helpful as it seems to have made me think about the issue to a more significant level. I wish you the best of luck with your decision to stop as i too head down an unknown path of recovery.
 
Try something other than 12 steps.

Once I worked out they're essentially calling anyone their method doesn't work for a lost cause that was me out.
 
Don't give up. Using will never be worth it. I understand the feeling of having no choice - I have been there.

We have similar stories, you and I. I started using heroin and fell in love with it at age 16. By age 19, i had already been in and out of rehabs, Dr.s offices, AA rooms, etc. and was shooting up aprox. 2 grams/day.

It took me another 2 years after that point, 2 more years of being hopeless and miserable, before i got clean. Now I'm 22, i have 233 days sober and I'm starting to put the pieces of my life back together and get back on track for building myself a future.

This last attempt, I went to a 30 inpatient program, and moved into a sober living environment after that (have been in the SLE for 6-7 months now) along with constant AA meetings/working the steps THOROUGHLY for the first few months. I have slowed down on meetings, but i still go to them, meet with my sponsor and work the steps. Currently going through my 9th step/amends. It's been an amazing experience, working these steps for real. I tried them in the past too, but the difference wasn't felt until i did them sincerely this time.

Not telling you what you need to do, just telling you my experience. A Suggestion though, if you have already tried inpatient, would be to try a 6 month in patient. you're parents are still around, which means they love you and want to see you get better. They may have threatened bailing if you relapse, but I'm sure they will be there if you ASK for HELP.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top