Mental Health OCD lost and need help!

[Salvinorin A]

ever since I was a little kid I've always been a little different, not socially, if you were to see me in real life Ive became an expert on hiding my emotions and not showing any weakness. But deep down inside I'm lost, scared and need help. It all started as early as I can really remember and the weird thing about OCD is it changes over time. It grows with you, it develops and no matter how hard you try it will always be there but the severity may not be as much as during some points in your life.

The first thing I noticed was this incredibly strong urge to wash my hands before playing with my toys as they were "clean handed toys" being so young at the time I didn't notice that I had anything wrong with me. As the years went on I acquired some odd rituals pertaining to this up untill about 6th grade. When I hit 6th grade it seems like the OCD hit a sudden hault but not for long. In 8th grade I realized I had a new compulsion, this might sound odd, strange, and weird because I guess it is. This new fear was a fear of semen. I kept thinking that I was leaking semen and it would spread everywhere and anywhere and once something was contaminated there was really no cleaning it.

When I was a freshmen in highschool I was put on luvox which is an ssris and I was quickly moved to the highest dosage. Now this sounds all great and all except for a few key problems. These mess made me anxious, unable to sleep, and caused some significant weight gain. But the biggest problem was something even worse something unexpected. Sexual dysfunction. This is when the semen literally started to leak. I wouldn't even be aroused yet I would be leaking semen in my pants and it scared the fucking shit out of me. I feel like it's everywhere in my house. All over the place and I literally get so psychically sick from OCD in puking and feeling like im about to die.

Fast forward to the beginnig of this summer. I was hanging out chiefing a bowl with some good friends when someone I know some school approached us and asked if we would like some hydrocodone. I took it and I quickly realized it stopped my sexual problem and my compulsive thoughts it was like the antidote; dat mu affinity. I stayed away from opiates for a while because I knew how bad they were but out of no where came a creepy substance that has grabbed a hold of me. Benzos. Ever since I first tried benzos I thought to myself if I could have Xanax/klonopin/hydros I could live the rest of my life without this burden. I began abusing benzos aleast 3 times a week as an escape. I'm not 18 so I cannot get prescribed benzodiazepines.

I haven't abused any benzos in about 5 days no. I'm feeling sick and I want to escape this hell. The anxiety and panic is becoming to much. Ive accepted the fact that I will most likely be on some drugs for the rest of my life. Im stuck and I don't know what move to make next. I beg of you bl please help me please give me some insight. I dont have anyone to turn to my parents think I can control my OCD but they don't understand; they don't even know what causes the OCD only I and you now know.

 

[pasha]

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I couldn't really identify a clear question in your post. Are you looking for some insight on how to treat OCD?

Have you tried therapy? Is there no specific medication which relieved some of the symptoms?

 

[Salvinorin A]

Im looking for a good way to over come this without ssris

 

[sonicwhite]

Hey bro I have OCD......Really when you think about it. Benzo's stop the Pure O thoughts but after that when you want to get off of them. It is beyond what the OCD threw at Us. I have a theme that I'm at God's Judgment and if I sin I will be sent to hell. I for one take klonopin. But I found out one day that I wanted off of them....and till this day I still can't get off them. If you need benzo's I understand. I for one commend you for going as far as you have. I always had OCD but my OCD really flared up when I smoked a bowl of weed and it thru me into a mini psychosis. I have also been thru a meth psychosis and before that My OCD was bad but nothing compared to what it feel's like today without med's. I just stress that since your so young. That your going to have to push thru. I understand if you buy them off the street. "I did too". I really just encourage you that you just while you see a doc, you explain the situation and man, really I know that tough place your in. I just want to give you some of mine because I know it hurts.

 

[Salvinorin A]

Thanks for taking time out of your day to read and respond. I feel i have no choice but to take benzos because I HAVE to make it to school everyday and i have other responsibilities, i just hate getting held back from doing what i want because of ocd

 

[sonicwhite]

You could look at the option of ERP. Exposure response prevention. If you finish the program which is really hard then there is a good chance you can abort the obsessive thought before it starts making you ruminate....I couldn't do it and I know how you feel if you do not want to do it......I have a psychotic disorder and I fear that if I put my body thru all that stress then that could elevate some of my psychosis. Either way...I chickened out and have just went the benzo route.....Also if your using other drugs besides benzo's like weed or meth or any thing like that it can worsen your symptoms....I just feel ya man.

 

[Salvinorin A]

I find marijuana temporarily stops the compulsions but no the obsessions. Depeding on the strain it is very beneficial. However i do feel rebound anxiety from my daily cannabis use. I think cannabis's addictive profile is more like moderate than low. I have no problem staying away from opiates and other drugs but weed and benzos are my downfall. I dont think i would be able to do that therapy without getting pyshically sick and passing out. Would i be able to complete this therapy with theraputic doses of benzos? If so i feel it may be possible. Benzos work pretty well however i find mu opiods stop the ocd right in its tracks but the higher i go the harder i fall

 

[sonicwhite]

Well taking xanax would defeat the purpose of ERP. I know that sick feeling. It's very hard to hold it. Some people just have it go into remission and SSRI's really do suck. ERP is more like training yourself not to get carried away by the thought. Sometimes I get a spike and It feels so real. Like I think God is about to open up the sky and throw me in hell. But then for some reason I snap out of it and I start focusing on truths. But I really do have to have klonopin. I know without it I would probably still be a mess because I'm pretty much a big baby and can't hold my S&*$.