mashead testing
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 18, 2001
- Messages
- 12,030
No matter how many times I tell myself no more, no matter how often I try to shut door, it comes back like its never been away, I cant remember a day when ive not thought about it, tried to push it out and start again tell myself its not an addiction.
Pretend to the world everything is fine, never let anyone into this bruised mind of mine, spend weeks waiting but its shit at the time, keep telling myself it will work until its inside me then I fear for the worst.
As soon as it enters me I know theres no point, I feel sick to the stomach and know ive done it too much, but in the end its the same again, chemical taste in my mouth, electic fuzz in my head when this wears off I will wish I was dead.
Although the truth is hard to find, my heads bitter, angry and the repeative beats stick in my mind, I dont believe people love me, I have no idea if they care, my lips get chewed up as I listen to bombscare.
Looking for the rush, the unstoppable feeling, seems like I spend all my life seeking, try to remember back to when it was good, sometimes I think its just cos I think about it too much.
Even the words from my mouth get twisted, my eyes fill with tears as I wonder if I ever existed, I doubt every noise be it a word or a sound, every movement in the past now.
But as I sit here again, thinking ive been here before, I try and remember the reason why I said no more, but memories fade and pass away, only to come back and haunt you when your having a bad day.
Is there any point to this when im full of self hate im trying to work out if its too late, ive done so much yet so little, but the feelings of worthlessness keep me bitter.
I refuse to take more drugs to combat the others, I try and eliminate myself from the pain, makes it ten times worse when it comes back again, I lay in bed at night crying one final tear, I try to make myself heard but still theres no one to here to hear.
As I read through my words so many things to consider, I feel like clicking the little x in the top corner, go figure.
Pretend to the world everything is fine, never let anyone into this bruised mind of mine, spend weeks waiting but its shit at the time, keep telling myself it will work until its inside me then I fear for the worst.
As soon as it enters me I know theres no point, I feel sick to the stomach and know ive done it too much, but in the end its the same again, chemical taste in my mouth, electic fuzz in my head when this wears off I will wish I was dead.
Although the truth is hard to find, my heads bitter, angry and the repeative beats stick in my mind, I dont believe people love me, I have no idea if they care, my lips get chewed up as I listen to bombscare.
Looking for the rush, the unstoppable feeling, seems like I spend all my life seeking, try to remember back to when it was good, sometimes I think its just cos I think about it too much.
Even the words from my mouth get twisted, my eyes fill with tears as I wonder if I ever existed, I doubt every noise be it a word or a sound, every movement in the past now.
But as I sit here again, thinking ive been here before, I try and remember the reason why I said no more, but memories fade and pass away, only to come back and haunt you when your having a bad day.
Is there any point to this when im full of self hate im trying to work out if its too late, ive done so much yet so little, but the feelings of worthlessness keep me bitter.
I refuse to take more drugs to combat the others, I try and eliminate myself from the pain, makes it ten times worse when it comes back again, I lay in bed at night crying one final tear, I try to make myself heard but still theres no one to here to hear.
As I read through my words so many things to consider, I feel like clicking the little x in the top corner, go figure.
