Not your typical aa/na shit. Share whatever here. I'll share my story & advice.

[passthatshit]

Today marks nearly a year sober. You can tell from my username that I no longer relate to the individual who made this account.
Despite my trials & tribulations, I've done alright with myself.
Relapses, 3 psychotic breaks from reality, Psych wards, Police Reports, Couch Surfing, & anything else related to rock bottom, I've definitely endured.
I won't say that I regret my imprisonment. Rather, I'm grateful it happened. Nothing makes you appreciate life more than shaking hands with Death. I wanted death, or at least I thought I did. I was the most miserable person you'd ever meet. Anti-everything, to put it simply. I wished for nothing more than to rid myself of the chronic condition that is called Life. I romantized death, I devised a path to ultimate self annihilation. I thought well, if i'm going to be alive, I'm going to enjoy it in my own maladaptive way, ending with suicide before I reached 30. This mentality only worked for so long, given the fact I only exist in extremes, when I applied this to drug usage, I learned just how important moderation really is.
Another thing i've learned about drugs is out of everyway you could possibly choose to destroy yourself, they are probably the fastest & most effective method. I never knew how cruel things could get. I thought that I had surely experienced it all. I wanted to kill myself, but I also wanted to be in control of my downward spiral. As much as I enjoyed pain & chaos, I had a part of me that wanted peace & enlightenment. I was conflicted between 2 different personalities. A sadomasochistic sociopath, & a loving charismatic idealist.

For the longest time, my darker sides were winning. I had gotten into buddhism & decided it's time to let go of the mentality that left me in anguish for years. Day by day, I became more resiliant. I realized that I don't want to die. I only have one shot at this, & it's such a rare, unusual experience (to exist) that to turn it down because of my emotional extremes would be foolish.
Henceforth, I stopped caring. Began to focus on myself & things that are important to me. Focused on school. Set goals for myself, fixed my mental health. Changed entirely.

If you are having trouble with sobriety, think about this:
Just because your sober does not mean things have changed. If you still have the same mentality that you did pre drug usage, you will relapse.
You must change as a person in order to fully enjoy sobriety. It's a challenge, but the freedom & peace that you experience is worth it. You will have to work hard, change your thought patterns everyday but over time- you will have a huge transformation.

Good luck to you all.

-M

 

[pandas]

Congratulations on your upcoming one-year sobriety! You persevered and successfully put the focus on you and let the dark side go.

Your last paragraph resonates with me. I'm an alcoholic and relapsed after my first detox. Detoxed again and I do need to learn how to fully enjoy sobriety. I want to be sober but I need to work hard to make that transformation. I'm not sure how to go about that other than what I explain below.

Did Buddhism help you make that transformation? AA isn't a good fit for me. I'm doing self-study and changed my environment. I have a support system here and at home. It's hard because alcohol is everywhere.

I realized my main trigger for drinking is escapism. If I'm going through a painful or stressful time, I use escapism. That was through alcohol or, unfortunately, a bipolar mixed episode with intense psychosis (of course that mood episode just kicks, not fun! You've been there). I need to manage stress and participate more in life as a sober person. Any suggestions?

Again, congrats! Happy for you.

 

[passthatshit]

First of all, thank you!! I think I can help you out. My best friend was an alcoholic & almost died of complete liver failure at 22. He found that distracting himself helped him, and focusing on things that makes him feel good about himself. Buddhism is amazing. It can help you clear your mind & works almost like a xanax for me, honestly.
Escaping is fine, we all gotta do it but there are HEALTHIER ways to do so. For example, if you want to read a book or go on the computer, or sleep, or watch movies, write, listen to music, meditate. Anything that gets you out of your head & just relaxes you. I deal with stress & anxiety too.. I tried smoking cigarettes. Those work. Doing homework all day works for me. Just focus on the negatives to alcoholism & try to be more positive.. tell yourself nice things & totally just brainwash yourself into positivity until you finally believe it LOL god damn i wrote this horribly.. okay well my brains goin fast..

 

[passthatshit]

seriously though, entertaining your mind with learning rules... reading psychology books... trying out veganism... whatever man. just stuff that makes you feel ALIVE... I would start by letting go though... WHAT are you escaping from?

 

[pandas]

Thank you so much. I appreciate your helpful replies.

 

[passthatshit]

Thank you so much. I appreciate your helpful replies.

You're welcome. Update me

 

[tired of crap]

Funny when I first read your thread I thought your name was past that shit (given you were posting in sober living ... haha)

I relate to a lot of what you have said, especially:

If you are having trouble with sobriety, think about this:
Just because your sober does not mean things have changed. If you still have the same mentality that you did pre drug usage, you will relapse.
You must change as a person in order to fully enjoy sobriety. It's a challenge, but the freedom & peace that you experience is worth it. You will have to work hard, change your thought patterns everyday but over time- you will have a huge transformation.
...&
Escaping is fine, we all gotta do it but there are HEALTHIER ways to do so. For example, if you want to read a book or go on the computer, or sleep, or watch movies, write, listen to music, meditate. Anything that gets you out of your head & just relaxes you
....&
Just focus on the negatives to alcoholism & try to be more positive.. tell yourself nice things & totally just brainwash yourself into positivity until you finally believe it LOL

So Ill just give a little background before I address these quotes
I have been a huge fan of drugs since I first tried them at 16 ... im 29 now ... At 16 I tried pot and realized that it wasnt deadly, it wasnt going to turn you into a terrorist or cause you to become homeless. I thought I had realized all the crap they taught you in D.A.R.E (drug abuse resistence education) was a lie... Now I realize some of it is true, although most of it is heavily biased. All sorts of substances (mostly psychedelics) followed as I attempted to discover and define myself through these powerful introspective tools.

My troubles came when my mom first got sick and I started using substances as an escape. Psychedelics however were no reprieve and only forced me to confront my issues. So I took a break for a while and just drank my troubles away - or so I thought.. Until I gave myself alcohol poisoning a few times and made an ass outta myself quite a few more times. It was then I decided to quit drinking and face my problems.. Mom got better and I went back to occasional psychedelic use.

Sometime in there I into a relationship and 9 months later my daughter was born, I was 21. I decided I needed to go to school to be able to adequately provide for my family and moved us 2 hours away. Shortly there after the relationship became extremely toxic and I began to drink to escape. I then realized I hated what I was in school for, but everyone told me I was so close to finishing I might as well keep going ... Truth be told I was only half way ...This grave dislike for school only furthered my drinking.. but I put my head down and pulled off a 75% avg over 4 years without trying and drinking (and escaping via other drug use) constantly. I was 4 credits short after 4 years and said forget it.

Over the next 3 years my relationship continued to take a nose dive and I continued to drink more and more. In part because my partner just wouldnt leave (despite countless plans - "if were not better by this month its time to seperate" kinda thing), she didnt contribute her share and was freeloading.. so why would she??? However drinking was something she said she couldnt tolerate (her mom was a drunk) and I knew it was only a matter of time before shed have enough and actually gtfo. So I kept drinking, waiting. Eventually she couldnt watch me drink myself to sleep anymore and we made serious plans to separate. She found another boyfriend for the last 8 months of our cohabitation while continuing to mooch of me.

Now given my daughter was to stay with me (because my ex was moving 4 hours away to go to school and we figured it would be better for my daugther not to have to switch schools and then again in 2 years after my ex was done school) I knew it was time to quit drinking. I quit numerous times but the situation at home was the same and she was still being such a douche, not contributing financially or even around the house. And I never changed my mentality. So over the last 8 months I quit (for a week at a time) and failed every time, as the stressors were still present and I made no attempt to change me.

With about 3 months to go my ex told me if I hadnt been clean for at least a month before she left she would take my daughter and I wouldnt even get shared custody. But given nothing had changed at home it was difficult.. But eventually with a month left I stopped drinking.. I was sober for a month. My ex moved but given it was the summer my daughter went to stay with her mom as I tried to save up enough for a car, working two jobs. Having not changed I fell back into drinking daily.

I knew this wouldnt work and that I needed to change for me to quit drinking. So I said f*** it, dropped a sweet job/future career (because it was conducive to my drinking) and went back to school to finish my 4 credits then move onto something I actually enjoyed. I made several positive changes including getting back into daily yoga, meditation and exercise. School work was a breeze as i actually enjoyed 2 of my 3 courses (they were electives).

Then my mom got sick again ... And slowly things started slipping one by one.. School work... Yoga and meditation ... Exercise... And then I figured well shit if im just sitting around doing nothing I might as well forget about my problems.. So I started drinking again (though I was never drunk or drinking around my daughter - when she was at school, followed by a nap or at night after she went down and definitely all weekend when she was at her moms). That was a month ago.. I knew right away it wasnt right but it was easy. Shit it was what I had done for the last 8 years, it was who I was...

Funny how we can convince ourselves of things as you say. I had convinced myself that I was an alcoholic, it was how I defined myself. And what do alcoholics do when troubles arise? Drink... But thats when I realized: "thats who I WAS". Not who I am now. Now I am a student again, someone who actually enjoys a healthful lifestyle (filled with exercise for both the body and mind and good food) but most importantly I'm a great father. But when I was hungover/craving I was far from a good father and this is what bothered me the most.

So last week I said forget it.. I refuse to let myself fall back into that lifestyle. So this week I have been escaping in healthy ways .. I got back into my morning routine of yoga and mediation. I bought new running shoes and have been running for at least 30 minutes daily... I have been writing here and in my journal.. I started making kombucha again

I am aware of a lot of my triggers (when my blood sugar gets low, fridays when I drop my daughter off at her moms... my lack of school work of late which has been causing me anxiety but I have emailed my profs and they are understanding that mom is sick - i didnt tell em about my drinking).

The cravings come and go. Meditation has been especially helpful in overcoming these because it has taught me to be connected to them and has allowed me to be able to understand them from a place of freedom.

Sorry for the long post but just getting it out is incredibly helpful (even if no one reads it)

Cheers
And all the best as we all move forward
ToC

 

[passthatshit]

I read it! Very interesting story, man. I do wish you luck, & i'm sure you can do it. You might have problems with anxiety so think about ways to overcome that too. That could help with drinking. Don't stress yourself out, either. Attending to situations relaxed & level headed usually have better outcomes.

 

[passthatshit]

I can relate to this somewhat as well. When I got stressed, I said fuck it too.
It gets easier man. You seem to be doing good. PROUD!!

 

[tired of crap]

My anxiety seems to stem from the drinking. When Im sober for a while the anxiety dissipates, to at least "normal" levels.

I appreciate your advice about level headedness and cant agree more. Perhaps Im generalizing here a bit but it seems like when we let our emotions get the best of us we dont make the best decisions. Funny how in the state where our emotions get the best of us and we're already stressed we seem to perpetuate the stress by doing things that will only make it worse.

Thanks for the kind words.
All the best to you.

 

[passthatshit]

My anxiety seems to stem from the drinking. When Im sober for a while the anxiety dissipates, to at least "normal" levels.

I appreciate your advice about level headedness and cant agree more. Perhaps Im generalizing here a bit but it seems like when we let our emotions get the best of us we dont make the best decisions. Funny how in the state where our emotions get the best of us and we're already stressed we seem to perpetuate the stress by doing things that will only make it worse.

Thanks for the kind words.
All the best to you.

Emotions can do that. Message me if you ever need someone to talk to.