Not sure how to take this.

[_mistresspoppy_]

I know the feeling of refusing to give up on a relationship. Leave him if it's that bad, but youre probably looking for other options if youve actually posted this and worked this hard on the relationship. As others have said, set boundaries. In my experience, however, the "training" doesn't really work, ends up backfiring, and ends with me crying at the foot of the bed. However, I'm going to be a total hypocrite, and tell you NEVER let a man make you feel like less of a woman, draw a line and don't let him cross it. He may not realize just how badly it hurts you. Try to find other ways to turn him on. Is it the threesomes and fantasizing that bother you, or just that it's about your family? You could each pick fantasy celebrities you talk dirty about, which could be less hurtful because it's not the people close to you that he's thinking of. Or, make it clear to him that sex sometimes needs to be about pleasuring YOU, and you want to be the complete focus of his attention, at least sometimes.
And in all honesty, I know how you feel. He does something so hurtful and inconsiderate, and in the moment you feel so angry and stepped on, but over time, the hurt will fade, at least for me, and I realize that the good times we have together are worth more than the bad, and there are just certain things I have to deal with to keep an overall happy relationship. Im not reccomending this strategy, but it's worked for me personally.

 

[-Kitten]

Okay, first off everyone thank you for everything you all said.

Blaze - You asked how long has this been going on... do you mean our sex issues or the way he started fixing his issue?

Lola - A lot fo what you said is what I did... all was a epic fail.. putting the foot down doesn't work.

Morpher - Always he is the "victom" in life. Buut I don't think he is trying to be "abusive" in any way... though i tell him this every time he gets hurt for a few hours until we have sex againt hen he does it again... like he forgot that it was hurting me...




I don't know what to do... I have many issues with my body... i was a ex anorexic and if i wasnt starving i was taking loads of cocaine to forget how much i hated my self i stopped all that but he really does provoke me into wanting it back because i hate my self so much.... then in the past i was raped... sevreal times by sevreal people and it fucked me up like no other with any many i have to do a lot of effort and really be okay witht he guy to not think about the past but if im not okay with my self... i start to get those flashbacks... he knows this..... this last week I spoke to him a lot about all that and that i think i dont attract him and he is hurting me and etc...

He " kinda" changed up a bit. He totally shut up about my mum... but with the best friend and sister he does chat a lot about...
He said he deosn't want to change the girls we use... because any of the girls he talks about he doesn't want in real life and it's impossible for him or me to end up with any of them ever... so its a " safe play " in his words and he isnt into imagining fucking a celebrity so yeah.

I told him maybe he just needed a three some and to do his fantasy so he can shut up about it and i said if that was the case then i'll do it.... he said no. He doesn't want that. It's pretty much his fear since the last two he did his gf ended up lesbian and fucking the other on a regular basis. he doesn't want this to happen to me.

Oh and Poppy - I understand what you're saying but the " deal with it " method and letting the hurt fade is what i have done for a lot of our issues and it never faded for me... then another issues comes and i get stabbed int he back again.

 

[-=SS=-]

He has this obbsesion with three sums all his porno and etc is about that and if he talks sex it's only gonna be that. During sex since the moment I mentioned two girls. Now every time he will talk about me and another girl probably 98 percent of the time of any time of sex he will mention this. There was never a specific girl though. It kinda turned me on so I didn't care

There's your problem. His sexual reverie (mental images) is focused completely around that particular act, as proven by him becoming hard and acutally climaxing when you mentioned the idea (triggered his mental images). Unless he works on replacing that set of images the problem will only get worse as he gets older. Obviously you know how deeply obsessed he is with this and whether there is any chance of him breaking that, but personally I would think about moving on. Sex is supposed to involve you both and not just one person indulging in their fantasy world at the expense of the other.

You're worth more than this and you can find someone who will reciprocate sex properly.

 

[LuGoJ]

Relationships are supposed to be enjoyable. Based on this post and your other post from a few months ago you seem to spend more time upset than you do happy. Really.. if you have to make a post like this every few months then what are you sticking around for? Stop it and move on.

If I take out my crystal ball I can see what will happen though. We will make a lot of sense to you and you will agree, then he will do something that makes you go against your better judgment and you will decide to stay and be miserable. Please prove my crystal ball wrong

 

[lola]

i hate my self so much.... then in the past i was raped... sevreal times by sevreal people and it fucked me up like no other with any many i have to do a lot of effort and really be okay witht he guy to not think about the past but if im not okay with my self... i start to get those flashbacks... he knows this..... this last week I spoke to him a lot about all that and that i think i dont attract him and he is hurting me and etc...

He " kinda" changed up a bit. He totally shut up about my mum... but with the best friend and sister he does chat a lot about...
He said he deosn't want to change the girls we use... because any of the girls he talks about he doesn't want in real life and it's impossible for him or me to end up with any of them ever... so its a " safe play " in his words and he isnt into imagining fucking a celebrity so yeah.

I told him maybe he just needed a three some and to do his fantasy so he can shut up about it and i said if that was the case then i'll do it....

I'm sorry to hear that loving yourself and your body is so difficult for you. It sounds like you're in an abusive dynamic where you are meeting his needs and he isn't willing to compromise. E.g. you need him to make you feel safe and wanted and he isn't willing go give you that; you are however still willing to indulge his fetish, you are willing to give him that but then he doesn't respect your boundaries.

Saying these girls are "safe" is the biggest pile of shit I've ever heard. How the fuck is it "safe" with your sister and best friend? Great that he can never fuck them in real life, but HE'S MAKING YOU SLEEP WITH THEM IN HIS FANTASY - WOMEN WHO YOU NEED TO FEEL SAFE WITH AND CLOSE TO TO BE HAPPY AND HEALTHY. AGAINST YOUR WILL. What the fuck is so difficult for him to understand about how this is completely out of line?? I'm sorry kitten but if this isn't a psychological form of rape I don't know what is you need to stop letting him use your own self-hatred to corner you into situations that are psychologically damaging to you, only then you can try to work this out. Hugs xxx

 

[B1tO'RoughJack]

I'm sorry kitten but if this isn't a psychological form of rape I don't know what is you need to stop letting him use your own self-hatred to corner you into situations that are psychologically damaging to you, only then you can try to work this out. Hugs xxx

2nd'ed - A - lass seriously, the only reason you are finding it hard to get rid of him is due to your self esteem issues, and the terror at being alone again. You can become so much stronger, if you just leave him...get rid of your phone, and then he can't charm you back.

Being alone is hard but when you become happy with being alone for a lot of the time, you will notice just how much happier you can be, and if you'd been that strong the whole time, you would have kicked him in the nuts by now, and stubbed out a cigarette on his nose.

 

[munki]

Always he is the "victom" in life. Buut I don't think he is trying to be "abusive" in any way... though i tell him this every time he gets hurt for a few hours until we have sex againt hen he does it again... like he forgot that it was hurting me...

Emotional and psychological abuse IS abuse. Abusers can be very manipulative and act like what they are doing is unintentional when it is not.

I agree that you need to DTMFA. Love can be an illusion. Don't keep trying to maintain that illusion if it continually does more harm than good.