Not finding life enjoyable no more

[Cosmic Trigger]

For me I live for the hope of pleasure. The majority of time it's either neutral or sadness. I'm beginning to think I have a chemical imbalance that keeps me in a depressive cycle though drugs have done so much damage I'm riding it out to see if it resolves itself the more I heal, though it has been years.

Every now and then I feel joy, and that gives me hope that I will have more joy in the future. That is all I have as I have spent countless years pondering the meaning of existence and my purpose in life...to which I have no answers. The only meaning I can extract is that I simply exist now, and now is all I have. When I die I feel that my energy will be dispersed into the environment, but it's highly improbable that my consciousness will remain intact, so I simply exist. I try not to consider death to frequently as it terrifies me, but so does living. With that I am off to bed, though I must add sometimes I have such pleasant dreams that the prospect of sleep is what gets me through the day. I had a hard few days and am feeling low so I'll stop before I contribute to anyone else's depression.

Good night all!

It's that eternal hope that things might get better along with death anxiety that keeps most of suffering humanity going and also suffering. Some do get better. Most likely do not. But if you can't contemplate ending your existence then I'd say find some way to feel better come hell or high water. Like dream work. With a little effort you can become very good at dreaming and remembering them, even to the extent of lucid dreaming. Then spend most of your time in bed. Good luck.