Nocturne

[leiphos]

My eyes flicker like lightbulbs
as the birds set their volume
low and the clouds split
like personalities.
I’m working outside

my shadow, shoveling
day-dreams into real dreams.
But something’s off
as I speed past

passed-out pages,
following my nerves’
roadmap like a religion.
I ask my palms
if their fingers will give up
this syllabic march

when Fall kicks in.
Will I edit each day
into night? I know,
even now, as I dot the dark
with my heart’s steady ellipses,

that I will never impersonate
my words. I want this world.
I want myself,
but not like this.

 

[Mehm]

This piece strikes me as very forward thinking while remaining in the moment. I really like the image of asking your palms if your fingernails will give up on growing.

My only suggestion is to think of something else that flickers. Maybe an old computer screen.

 

[TheDeceased]

Very beautifully written.

This piece strikes me as very forward thinking while remaining in the moment. I really like the image of asking your palms if your fingernails will give up on growing.

My only suggestion is to think of something else that flickers. Maybe an old computer screen.

I thought it was about writing all night and the part about the fingers was more a question of whether or not they will ever stop typing. I'm not sure where you got fingernails growing from. Maybe I missed something... I also strongly disagree about duplicating the imagery of the first line or did you mean 'think of something else that flickers' because you didn't like the light-bulb? Personally I think the light bulb image works far better than a computer screen, especially since the screen is literally related to the subject matter.

I don't have too many suggestions, just some tweaks really. I would get rid of the word 'that' at the begining of the last stanza, as it is the only verse that cannot be read on it's own.

Parts of the poem come across as they were complete sentences that have been broken up into smaller 'chunks'. I think removing some of the punctuation (particularly full stops) would help not only reduce this but also strengthen individual verses and the breaks between them. Like the period at the end of 'when Fall kicks in.' which forces me to read it as if it's the end of a sentence rather than a stand alone line that can be taken either way.

I hope this is helpful.

Nice work.

 

[DamagedLemon]

I love it, very well written. I love how you break off the sentences into another line, for instance:

My eyes flicker like lightbulbs
as the birds set their volume
low and the clouds split
like personalities.

This poem sent shivers down my spine, keep writing!

 

[Mehm]

lol, I totally read "if their fingernails will give up"

NM!

 

[leiphos]

My only suggestion is to think of something else that flickers. Maybe an old computer screen.

I agree; a computer screen is a much more relevant image than a light-bulb, because this poem is about writing - all night long. I blame stimulants...

TheDeceased:

The thing about cutting up the sentences is funny, because the first draft of this was much more choppy. But I think I might change it back now that you mention it and now that I've re-read the poem; a lot of the images are too lumped together it seems.

About your other point: Lately I've been a stickler for proper punctuation, so I think I'll be keeping it in there. Maybe I'll let the lines flow a bit more, though, and avoid the end-stops. I get what you're saying.

 

[lostNfound]

I knew right away what you were getting at, but the last two lines for me completed the package perfectly.
You struck a chord with me on this, that's for sure.