have you thought that perhaps, you havent given her the proper inspiration? maybe you havent shown her the wonderous end goal she should be reaching for? maybe in her mind, its fun, its nice, but its not the most captivating experience in the world or anything, and there are so many other things fighting to stay in focus in her mind.
how would she know what book to read? how would she know shes supposed to just go read a book? how would she know which direction, or on what front she should be putting this alleged effort she is lacking? have you opened her mind to literature, or do you just express discontent with not getting what you want?
perhaps its very easy for your body to decide it wants something, and to maintain hold of that thought process until it gets what it wants. perhaps she is more complex than that. perhaps shes not fully certain of what she wants in that regard, and perhaps her body has many other things it wants to think about.
have the two of you practiced meditating together ever? a lover of mine and i had difficulty finding the right inspiration to spontaneously have sex for several years, and we finally boiled it down to lack of presence. i always was "ready to go," and she wanted to be, but her mind was always crushed by work related obligations and maintaining a business. she tried very hard to be physically expressive, but would get depressed cuz she couldnt feel sexual desire for anyone for more than a few fleeting moments. modern people especially have a difficult time staying mentally present for extended periods of time (social media, technology allowing more things to be done in a day, more complex responsibilities, etc...). the act of training your mind to think about nothing at all will vastly increase your ability to stay present or focused. this allowed my lover to realize she simply wasnt putting much mental effort into staying present enough to stay turned on throughout foreplay (her life was crazy complex at the time, this problem extended way beyond sex, but affected all aspects of her social life). simply realizing that her mind is always bouncing around like a monkey helped her understand the problem, and she could then begin disciplining her thoughts to become more, lets say, situationally appropriate. so deep breathing exercises, where you try to think of few things as possible, really help with this sort of problem, plus it makes you healthier all around.
so sure, maybe yall put the kids to bed, or got a baby sitter, and are doin the couples getaway thing, creating the physical space and all that. that doesnt mean your wife has the mental space clear. she may not, and you may not, know how to regulate the mind so it stays present in the moment, instead of running around to every anxiety inducing thought it can find.
also, using terms like "effort" or otherwise blaming her for not behaving in a way that you think is correct is probably a massive turn off. even if youre not saying it to her, youre thinking it inside, so the cells in your body are projecting such an energy. youre turning it into an obligation and responsibility on her part, sort of like changing diapers or paying your taxes. instead of thinking of it as lack of effort on her part, think of it as lack of inspiration on your part. it doesnt mean your sexual prowess isnt enough for her or something, its just competing with a lot of other frequencies. you might need to put more effort into inspiring her. maybe you need to take more time off from your sex life with her, and channel that energy into healing her and finding out what other needs of hers need to be met. when was the last time you cooked her favorite meal for her, cleaned all the dishes, and gave her a foot rub, and then asked her what else would make her feel more comfortable in life,
without any expectation of anything sexual happening?
I'd say this is getting off subject at this point.
is it? someone suggested that a man's role in this universe is to be some sort of hunter, and that a woman's role is to be hunted. i object to such a notion, and suggest otherwise, in the hopes that you dont continue such an awkward, limited, and oppressive view of the world. i have a strong feeling that you wont get what you want that way.
