No more feelings, no more emotions, no more sobriety... any way possible

[bennyZA]

In the last 5 years or so things have gone down hill at an exponential rate. I could bore y'all with all the details, but suffice to say everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.

Over the last 2 years it has become very obvious to me that one thing stands out, I don't "feel" anymore. Nothing hurts, nothing makes me happy, nothing makes sad. I'm emotionally numb.

Over the course of these last 2 years I've realized that I've gotten to the point of having to be intoxicated whenever I can... at least I feel something. I smoke as much weed as possible (but it's so expensive if you want to be high all day) and I drink whenever I can. However, my favorite are opiates. I've never tried street opiates, but whenever I can get my hands on any OC (or even hydro), I pounce.

But the point of this thread isn't so much about that as it is about the other substances. I don't know anyone at all who uses these on a regular basis. Most of the time I want to forget that I can't feel. If I have no real drugs, I will take tizanidine muscle relaxers I steal from my parents (which just put you to sleep, instantly). I'll take doxylamine from either unisom or nyquil (I'll drink entire bottles sometimes). In my most desperate of hours, I've even huffed computer dust cleaner. Worst comes to worst, I cut myself... sometimes really deep.

I have no idea why I'm writing this thread, but I need to stop using and start feeling. Can anyone relate. Is there anyone else out there that has used whatever they can whenever they can. Is there anyone out there that was emotionally numb but found ways to help?

 

[blahman8000]

I've been worried about my ability to experience emotions, also. I'm not necessarily insensitive, and I truly desire to feel more, rather than just be empty.

And I've noticed more and more, particularly around these forums, people who have the same problem; having trouble feeling. It probably doesn't mean anything, but it's just strange how so many are beginning to feel numb. It most likely has something to do with the drugs or maybe just some kind of defense mechanism.

 

[clementines_ghost]

Count me in on the emotional numbness. I started a thread about it but it was roundly ignored, which I found ironic (would've probably hurt my feelings if I had them anymore, but I don't, so I just experience observations at an emotional remove now), so I deleted it. I'm three weeks out from a cold turkey precipitated withdrawal from massive amounts of opiates & muscle relaxers, so maybe that's it, but I suspect that in my case it has something to do with the horribly aborted attempt at taking suboxone. One dose, and I literally felt my emotions turn off like someone flipped a switch, about 20 minutes after dosing. ::

It really fucking sucks, I'll tell you that. I've smiled, authentically, twice in three weeks. The first time surprised the shit out of me, because I hadn't felt the muscles in my face move like that in years (the opiates numbed everything before the sub-disaster turned 'em off for good). It was like a drug, that smile. And it half came back, once, about a week ago.

What I foresee happening is that I am going to push things and force myself into emotionally intense situations to try to feel something, which is going to suck for those around me. I don't know what else to do, though. I've given myself a 6 month time limit on this nothingness...if things haven't changed dramatically in six months, it's on to another plan.

 

[blahman8000]

clementinesghost - I understand how you feel. For me, I suspect that my emotional numbness is secondary to my alcoholism. Either that, or something has simply "shut off" in my brain after suffering quite a lot emotionally in the past. I've had two former best friends of mine die within the last 6 months (both deaths were drug related), and it doesn't seem real to me. What I honestly feel is guilt and concern over the fact that I can't seem to react to it with real grief. I don't want to be a cold, unfeeling human being like this. What I seem to feel most of all, lately, is anxiety and discomfort over my disconnection from feeling. I don't want to be like that. I'm not some kind of sociopath. I do experience guilt, regret, embarrassment, etc. But something shuts off my emotions almost as soon as they arise. I don't like it at all.

bennyZA - I wish I had some good advice for you. Were I not going through practically the same thing, maybe I'd have some to offer. I'd like to believe that there is hope for a solution to this problem that we both seem to be having. I hope things get better for you.

 

[bennyZA]

My main problem is that my descent started because of a specific, unchangeable, event. I know getting over it would help, but it's so much easier to get drunk. Sigh

My other main problem is that I have to put up such an act. No one really knows the extant of my drug use, and on top of that, I'm known as being the center of attention, always crackin jokes, cheering people up, that kinda shit. Now that I need cheering up and taken care of, I feel weird and I act even harder.... sometimes I don't even know who I am anymore.

 

[InsaneJane]

I have no idea why I'm writing this thread, but I need to stop using and start feeling. Can anyone relate. Is there anyone else out there that has used whatever they can whenever they can. Is there anyone out there that was emotionally numb but found ways to help?

YES 1000%+++ Except for me its always been eat less, lose weight, avoid eating, find a way to get rid of anything you do eat, NO. MATTER. WHAT.

Holly crap, little did I know that the whole after school special scare tactic "even if it kills me" is really not as bad as it gets! I havnt gotten to this point with substances. Yet. I still worry about the glucose used as a cutting agent in my cocaine making me fat 8) Once I get over this, I predict its not too much further to computer duster.

What Ive found a little helpful personally with starting to get emotions back, is analyzing the shit out of them untill I was able to be objective. This might sound counterproductive. Its not, though, because you have to tolerate them if you intend to feel much more than a mass wave of terror. I know you say you want to feel things now but how many of us (us= people avoiding feelings) intend to change behaviour and then get overwhelmed by our feelings, decide its not worth it and bail?

Anyway, this anayzing process I mentioned is called CBT. Maybe start with a "Thought Record" PM me if you want and I can give you specific info

 

[qwe]

this is not how my addiction was, so it's hard to relate. but i know people very close to me that this has happened to, and it does seem to be common...

i think that something in the brain does simply "snap" if it's been overloaded. i.e. trauma. some people may be more susceptible than others, some people may experience more intense trauma than others, etc. it explains the whole cutting phenomenon...

simply "getting over it" doesn't work, because as humans we are products of our experience. we do have the ability to re-interpret our experience and re-order our world, but usually that is not done consciously, and to do it consciously is definitely easier said than done... if a part of our personality has too much emotion invested in it, changing that part of us is like sisyphus trying to push the rock up the hill.

this also explains the whole cult and religion phenomenon they offer a way to re-order your entire psyche, just like drugs. drugs re-ordering your personality just happens to be more temporary, so it's more expensive to keep it up.

---

jane, you mentioned not eating. a particular person close to me has a weight problem... do you think anorexia and/or bulemia (i can't be sure, it could just be her stressed out in-need-of-control personality boosting her metabolism, but her weight is definitely at an unhealthy level) is almost always due to this underlying cause? something having snapped in the brain, and no longer being able to feel?

when asked about her weight, she becomes extremely defensive and emotional. (from what i hear--i haven't talked to her about it). so i think that suggests a problem... with her control issues, she won't take any medication or see a doctor, she won't take a sip of alcohol, she won't loosen up. thoughts would be appreciated.

 

[bennyZA]

Wow, I really appreciate the responses to my first ever thread. I just want to say that I got some great advice that has helped tremendously (both from this forum and elsewhere). However, what I'm going to mention may sound absolutely stupid, but it works. My friend told me that every morning I should pretend to be cuddling with a mini version of my self and while I'm still in bed to talk to my mini-self and tell him how much I love him. I tell him about what I don't like about myself, but I still tell imaginary mini-me how much it doesn't matter and I just love myself. It takes effort, but within a few days I felt great. I still have problems, but my self-esteem has sky-rocketed since I wrote this thread. I recommend that everyone tries it.

 

[Lord]

I was extremely numb for roughly one year. I thought killing myself was ok, thought killing my family and others was ok. didn't care about anything. abused almost anything I could (except I was so paranoid I couldn't go outside, so I had to use whatever I could, with a little outside help here and there... or rather, very often.

But when the help wasn't there I'd go a little nuts with my drug use. Instead of the usual huge combo of crappy and good drugs, I'd try to sniff some markers, huff a little, but I never got anything out of it... almost decided to go all the way with inhalants many times, but never got around to it. Well I slowed it down with ALL drugs, started seeing people again (still having difficulty with this), and many emotions are slowly coming back. I completely numbed myself, lived in a fantasy world, I watched the same episodes of the same show all day, every day, for a year while drinking, benzed out, and high as hell all the time.
Once I began to get out of this bubble, every time I'd feel so sick... a year passed by in a flash, I had reduced myself to a complete retard at age 16. Couldn't even do first-grade math while sober, and I used to be excellent at mathematics.

Give it time, become healthy in all the ways you've heard about, stop using drugs, and see people. Emotions will begin coming back... very slowly. Give it time, you can still type so you are not past the point of no return, permanent and complete emotional numbness.

I think you've figured this out by now... the drugs are extremely temporary solutions which have now caused long-lasting problems which you try to 'fix' by using drugs. Of course, it may not just be the drugs, I can relate to that as well. Quite a bit actually. But take the advice and just try. keep trying until you die.

 

[idonteven]

just reading this thread made me want to get high.

The only way I've been able to be sober is really not do anything to effect my emotions too greatly. Like let myself fall in love with a girl, and put in 100% only to be let down.

Examples, I really wanted to get a promotion at work, I did everything that the management asked me. I came in early everyday, I read these self help books they gave me, my shirts were always pressed, and I was the top performer in terms of sales and customer satisfaction. This went on for 3 months and the management found any reason to put me down, and made it impossible for me to get a promotion.

Now I walk into work, I don't give a shit, I'll show up whenever I want, and do the bare minimum to get the job done. That way I can't be let down.

I won't ever really care about a girl again because if she leaves I feel hurt, and that is an unpleasant emotion.

So for sobriety, I just had to stop putting myself in situations where I could get hurt. My therapist tells me this is unhealthy, but for now it keeps me sober. I guess I wasn't cut out to care for other people.