TDS Newly sober and dealing with impending heartbreak

[bdomihizayka]

I trust yous on this site more than anyone I know when it comes to recovery so I would really appreciate some input with a predicament I am in.

I am 4 months sober- went across the country for rehab, and then stayed in a sober home for a month before I left because some dude there was using- which leads me to where I am, a hotel room bored out of my fucking mind and not knowing how to proceed with my life.

My girlfriend and I have been in a long distant relationship for about 6 months where she moved for work. She lived a state away from where I went to rehab/ sober living- but her parents live a few miles from where I am coincidentally.

She's coming home to stay with her parents for a while because she is suffering protracted withdrawal from klonopin and quite frankly, she's not in her right state of mind. She's having mood swings, suffering all sorts of odd mental symptoms, and I know it is most likely benzo withdrawal because I suffered a pretty horrific one myself from short, therapeutic use. She was on them therapeutically too, and isn't an addict.

I have the opportunity to go and stay in a Buddhist monastery for a month or two back across the country. I think it sounds like an awesome idea- I really have a fascination with Buddhism and studied it for years. My brother found out about it and wants me to go, and if I do, he said he would join me.

My girlfriend on the other hand is coming back here next week. I kinda know this relationship between us is mostly likely going to fail if I don't stay here because she will accuse me of being distant, not supporting her or being there for her-etc. I do love and care for this woman alot, but the more I think of it, the more she focuses on herself and her recovery and not about me and our relationship, the better off she will be. She's really an emotional mess right now and I want her focusing on herself- and I miss her dearly and want to see her- but if staying away from me is going to quicken her recovery and mental state, then by all means I want to give her space.

I've never been so unsure of what to do in my life. I'm so emotionally fragile right now, I don't want a breakup to cause my mind into thinking it's ok to relapse or even overdose intentionally. I value your opinions, as I know yous are on the recovery path with me, and can give me some insight from angles of the situation I may not be aware of. I'd really appreciate any input.... I just feel stuck in such a dark spot.

 

[missmeyet?]

Have you talked to her about what you have just told us? That would be a good start probably!

 

[Maya]

It comes down to a questions "what would really make you happy" and "how do you really feel" about the situation. What will give you more peace of mind and what will be the best. What you are willing to sacrifice and what is the possible outcome. Do you really need to make a decision right away, if I were you I would give myself more time to think things through and access your situation more. Staying away from her may not be the answer to her recovery and mind you there are couples who went through recovery together. Like what missmeyet said, you have to discuss this with her as well and see what the outcomes of your discussion will be.

 

[herbavore]

I think that it s a very healthy path for you to go to the retreat. You cannot live for someone else. Being supportive never means the exclusion of taking care of yourself. In fact, though I hate the word "enabling", I would have to say that if you stayed simply to be present for her when she comes home, at the expense of doing something that you need to strengthen your own recovery, that would be a word that fits. Your girlfriend will need to do this for herself. Your support can be from your heart, being with her in empathy and sympathy for what she is going through. Part of what each of us has to deal with in life is an understanding that our needs are not anyone's responsibility but our own. Setting boundaries is often the best support you can give someone.

I think the retreat sounds amazing and the fact that you would share the experience with your brother is a pretty special opportunity for the two of you. I encourage you to go with no guilt.

 

[thedawn]

and i can only echo herbavore again.
she's right.

you cannot live for someone else.

break it down.

you only live once.

 

[T. Calderone]

Agree with above posts, you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. Your girlfriend will be with her family so don't feel like you are abandoning her and she needs to understand your sobriety comes before everything else. Take this opportunity to go to the monastery for a chance to gain inner strength.

You said she is a mess and has to get herself sorted. You can't do this for her and she has to take charge of her own recovery, just like you. I really think you would benefit going away for a month and you won't regret it.

 

[phatass]

It's difficult when love and passion are involved and you're forced into a situation where you're no longer a bf but 20%bf and the other 80 % psychologist, doctor, nurse etc. it takes all the romance out of the relationship, but at the same time, you genuinely want to help this girl, all i can say is whatever you do i wish you the best

 

[ad lib]

It's difficult when love and passion are involved and you're forced into a situation where you're no longer a bf but 20%bf and the other 80 % psychologist, doctor, nurse etc. it takes all the romance out of the relationship, but at the same time, you genuinely want to help this girl, all i can say is whatever you do i wish you the best

Man is that the truth.

 

[Eveleivibe]

I trust yous on this site more than anyone I know when it comes to recovery so I would really appreciate some input with a predicament I am in.

I am 4 months sober- went across the country for rehab, and then stayed in a sober home for a month before I left because some dude there was using- which leads me to where I am, a hotel room bored out of my fucking mind and not knowing how to proceed with my life.

My girlfriend and I have been in a long distant relationship for about 6 months where she moved for work. She lived a state away from where I went to rehab/ sober living- but her parents live a few miles from where I am coincidentally.

She's coming home to stay with her parents for a while because she is suffering protracted withdrawal from klonopin and quite frankly, she's not in her right state of mind. She's having mood swings, suffering all sorts of odd mental symptoms, and I know it is most likely benzo withdrawal because I suffered a pretty horrific one myself from short, therapeutic use. She was on them therapeutically too, and isn't an addict.

I have the opportunity to go and stay in a Buddhist monastery for a month or two back across the country. I think it sounds like an awesome idea- I really have a fascination with Buddhism and studied it for years. My brother found out about it and wants me to go, and if I do, he said he would join me.

My girlfriend on the other hand is coming back here next week. I kinda know this relationship between us is mostly likely going to fail if I don't stay here because she will accuse me of being distant, not supporting her or being there for her-etc. I do love and care for this woman alot, but the more I think of it, the more she focuses on herself and her recovery and not about me and our relationship, the better off she will be. She's really an emotional mess right now and I want her focusing on herself- and I miss her dearly and want to see her- but if staying away from me is going to quicken her recovery and mental state, then by all means I want to give her space.

I've never been so unsure of what to do in my life. I'm so emotionally fragile right now, I don't want a breakup to cause my mind into thinking it's ok to relapse or even overdose intentionally. I value your opinions, as I know yous are on the recovery path with me, and can give me some insight from angles of the situation I may not be aware of. I'd really appreciate any input.... I just feel stuck in such a dark spot.

Sometimes you have to put yourself first. I know it's difficult as this is your girlfriend and she's having it tough right now but if you have this opportunity to help you stay sober, and as you said yourself it's a great opportunity and your brother would like to join you. Unfortunately your girlfriend really has to do this herself and you cannot do this for her, no matter how much for you care and would like to. I'm sorry if that comes across as harsh as really it's not the intention but you are only a month sober and this has to be more important than anything right now, your recovery.

I'm awful sorry that I can't be of further help or give you any better advice. I wish you all the very best with your recovery and well done on being a month sober - that's a fantastic achievement and you should be extremely proud of yourself.
Evey xxxx