new to forum-opiate discussion

[jinxer13]

Hi to everyone, new to blue light as a poster but have read a lot and people here seem supportive and informative. Think I'm towards the end of my rope with my addiction and guess just needed some support from the outside. Story is probably the same as most, got into opiates after a tragedy and progressed from pills to well worse than pills. No needles, not that it matters much. Went to detox in January after starting a methadone program. Jumped ship cold turkey from H, methadone and valium. It sucked and relapsed two weeks later (was clear of most symptoms). Thought hey once won't hurt. Started a detox a few weeks ago, went 3 days (only H this time) and got the stomach flu. Wasn't related to detox. My wife and mom had it so my idiotic brain instantly went to you know what and although it kinda helped the stomach I've been on a roll since and doubled my intake. Roughly 20 bags a day. On the east coast. So anyway I know I will lose everything I have and I am a non functional addict. Lost a ton of weight, desire to work out, sex, work in general. I have the strength to quit and actually feel good when I stop even for a few days. Don't sleep and do get withdrawal symptoms but if I stay busy I can push through. I guess this is more of a rant and I thank you for reading and please any words of encouragement, an ass kicking or if anyone wants to talk I'll be attempting to detox as of tomm. I feel everyone can help each other bc this is no way to live. Thank you again.

 

[Erikmen]

Hey jinxer, welcome to BL.
What you have experienced happens but you're on a good level where you know what's necessary to be done and has been trying a number of times with good response. Congrats for that. For the strength, for recognizing the problem and for being here trying to figure out what to do. That shows me you really want out and when you feel like that our chances get better and better.

I used opiates for a decade and spent 8 years on Methadone trying to live a 'normal' life which wasn't at all normal. I wanted out and like you I did try many times. Coming off opiates is hard because we face emotions that were numbed for years. Feelings that we don't know how to handle and the false comfort of having no problems. So you get a ton of all of these together while feeling shitty as hell, it's totally understandable why we relapse. It's part of the process.

I know it's tough but you've got to start over and try again. Trust me when this is all behind you, you'll feel so free and relieved you won't believe. You'll save money and become the person you will want to be with nothing holding yourself back.

I suggest you think of having done this together with a doctor, perhaps try to follow up with therapist so you can have support for the moments you would be tempted. Work on strategies to keep yourself sober. In the beginning you'll need to take some meds maybe for a month or more. You need to take care of you mental, emotional and physical health. And you'll need assistance to cope with all of the things in life that makes us crave and relapse.

I've been reading lately about Iboga as an alternative way to handle real nasty withdrawals, specially those from methadone or subs, that can also be quite tricky. I don't know enough but I would first handle the priority which is quitting effectively. It's possible, you've have shown strength and capability of handling withdrawal even when you were dealing with methadone. Now that this is out of site, your chances are even better.

Make sure you keep in touch with us and/or with AA (or NA). I prefer AA as in NA you may frequently experience cravings, ironically. But that's my opinion. You share with whoever you feel more comfortable with.

We have some good threads that you can search for and follow up on recoveries in general, feedbacks, etc.
Remember that you are the only one who can say you can or can't do this. I'm sure you already know it's possible.
I wish you the best of luck! We have a good team here in BL and I'm sure you'll get a lot of help.
Take care.
Erik

 

[Moreaux]

Jonxer13 - it's great that you want sobriety and that you're trying - that is a huge step. Yeah, withdrawal sucks but it's so temporary in the grand scheme of things. I was a frequent relapser (booze and benzos, did have an opiate issue ages ago) and found that nothing worked for long term sobriety until I addressed the issues that were driving me to use. Once I got to the root cause driving my addiction, getting sober and staying sober was much easier.

I recommend working with a therapist to identify and mental health issues and to determine what is motivating you to use, and then develop an exiting plan to get these thing under control and/or resolved.

I also recommend developing non-pharmaceutical methods for coping with stress, as you will have more stress than usual going through withdrawal and PAWS (protracted withdrawal). Some things that helped me deal with stress was getting enough sleep at night, eating healthy and on a schedule, meditation, exercise, and cognitive behavioral therapy. If you can get a handle on stress, you'll be a lot less likely to relapse.

In early recovery your emotions are going to be all over the place. As difficult as it may be at times, keep in mind this too is temporary, and try to to act without thinking on any of them. Try not to be too hard on yourself, and try to live in the moment. Don't focus on the past as there is nothing you can do about it, and focusing of the past will prevent you from progressing forward. Try to stay in the moment and focus on being healthy. I wish you the best!

 

[jinxer13]

I want to thank you both for responding to my post and it truly means a lot.
Earlier today I took the different road and headed to a AA meeting instead of doing what my addict brain wanted, felt good. Also have a therapist lined up and we are lucky to have good benefits so mental health is covered at no charge. I did think about going back on anxiety meds short term but that was not a lot of fun to come off of. The iboga was something I though about also but not allowed here and would cost out of pocket.
The physical withdrawal has always been fairly easy on me, its the mental part especially when you get energy back and things are in that limbo state where smells are stronger, lights are brighter, basically not numb anymore. The stupid light goes off and I've had a hard time just making a stupid phone call or drive to my family and say "hey I want to do drugs please help". They are very supportive. Its my difficulty swallowing my pride and its insane bc I became an addict and have done some bad stuff so go figure it feels embarrassing to just reach out. That is parcially why I reached out to you guys (and gals) on this forum.
My plan for tomorrow is to wake up, do some cardio and get to a meeting. No drugs.
Its funny bc a few weeks ago I woke up (sober) and got the smell of the ocean and just didn't want to use. I'm kicking myself bc even though it was the first day it felt clear. Was up all night with the stomach flu and when my wife came out of the bed I was still in a great frame of mind. I could have made it but addict thinking said use and ease up the stomach pain. Ha since it was a flu it really didn't do much! Now that's insanity huh?
Sleep does take time to come back but people can get by on minimal sleep. In the end I do have a beautiful wife (she has never been into drugs at all) and 2 great dogs, live by the beach, have a cool jeep and a motorcycle. Things I worked hard for till I let myself become and addict. Plus the addiction has added so much anxiety to my life and saying I'm at the end of my rope means I want to change not do something stupid. Didn't want to give the wrong idea there! Oh also my name is Adam, jinx is my big guys name. We have a pit mix and a puggle. Theyre a blast. You both seem to truly care and I want to thank you again for taking the time to help a stranger.
I will keep posting with my progress whether it be good or bad. Just hoping I'm posting in the correct spot

 

[Moreaux]

You're on the right path. I wanted to mention I was similar to you with respect that I didn't really want my family to know or be involved because I felt like I was failing. The minute I reached out and became fully honest with them and asked for their support and help my life turned around. I involved them in every aspect of my addiction, both recovery and relapse, and stopped lying to them. Their support saved my life during benzo PAWS, I know without them I would have committed suicide. Once I let go of the embarrassment and the sense of failure I really began to recover. My parents viewed my addiction as an illness, not a moral failing on my part, and it made all the difference in the world to me. Just wanted throw that out there as it seems you are close to your family. Not everyone has such a support system, but if you do have that, it makes recovery so much easier. Btw - I'm 6 years clean from benzos and 2 years clean from booze. I had a gotten clean from both 6 years ago, but had a relapse on booze and checked myself back into rehab.

Early in involving my family, I compared my addiction to them in terms of cancer. Nobody wants cancer. Sometimes it goes into remission, sometime it comes back. Nobody has all the answers about being cured, or if something will work, not even the doctors. In order to try to get healthy, cancer patience get chemo that makes them sicker before they get better. It's not a quick process, and it can take years to recover from. Making that analogy to friends and family made a huge impact in how they processed both my good and bad days, including relapses. Good luck!

 

[jinxer13]

Good east coast morning, thank you for your words and I think the embarrassment is a huge part and I'm also a very stubborn person. An early update is I'm not using this morning and that's a great start. As I mentioned earlier the physical part is not to bad to deal with as long as I'm or anyone just stays occupied and keeps their mind off of it. Kinda like a small cut, hurts a hell of a lot more if u looks at it . I came to my moms to have coffee and discuss things. Yes even at 35 I still go to my mom for help. We lost my brother and father a few years ago a few weeks apart due to addiction. When I was younger I would experiment but never got hooked and never thought I would use heavy drugs. It wasn't until I was about 31 when this mess started and I was so afraid of withdrawal that when the pills ran out the only thing available was the "other stuff". People always saythat it made them less anxious and more outgoing. That was the opposite for me. It took away my personality and made me afraid. I've never been afraid of much. This is def what I would consider hell.
Its funny bc just writing things down does seem to help and ease the anxiety bc people have made it through. I have some close friends who have battled addiction and have yrs of clean time.
Just a question for xbenzo girl, when u stopped the benzos did it kinda of feel like an out of body experience? Of all the withdrawal I've been through that one is something I don't think I could handle again! My doctor had me on 30mg Valium and when I told him I was going to quit he was not to happy and said I needed to be on it. My anxiety didn't start until my addiction got bad. Go figure?
Again I'm sorry for writing so much but it just feels good to get some shit out.
So day one (again) and I've managed to go out for coffee with my mom and took some advil! I would like to keep posting as the days go on bc it seems that most people jump ship either due to a relapse or hopefully stayed sober and moved on but its a huge boost when they do post and have made it or even when they relapse bc again it seems we are all similar in fighting this.
Hope everyone has a great morning and I will keep letting you guys know how my days progress.
Good luck to everyone!

 

[Moreaux]

Good Morning Jinxer13 -

Haha, I was 32 when I got sober the first time, and going through benzo withdrawal my parents had to literally take care of me. I was so bad I couldn't be left alone, so one of them was always at my house and would stay the night. This went on for a year. They stayed because my memory was so shot I couldn't remember the simplest of tasks - like if I would start cooking something, even though I was right in front of the stove, I would forget and walk away. I had a couple of small kitchen fires and was too stupid at the time to realize what was going on, so for them it was like they were taking care of a 120lb toddler with emotional issues lol. Thank god it got better. I'm glad you're including your Mom, especially with losing your Father and Brother to addiction. Whether she tells you or not, this will help her a great deal as well. I want to add I am so sorry addiction has ravaged your family so badly. It's an insidious disease, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Benzo withdrawal is the worst. I am so afraid of being exposed to them again I have actually registered with the medical alert people stating that I have an allergy to benzos that result in anaphylaxis, in case I ever am unconscious and go to the hospital so they don't give them to me. I would let your doctor know that you have been through benzo withdrawal and that is why you don't want them. They may or may not understand, every now and then I have to refuse scripts for them because my doctor really doesn't understand the withdrawal. Yes, benzos seem great at first and then I think they start creating anxiety. The worst anxiety I had outside of withdrawal was in year 10 of my Xanax habit. It was a vicious cycle of anxiety and increasing the Xanax dose. My doc eventually scripted me Klonopin to help, because I really need more benzos lol.

As for benzo withdrawal, I had periods where I was completely disassociated from my body but generally it was a mild disassociation and a lot of raw electrical sensations running under my skin. I had to quit benzos cold turkey in rehab, and already had a low siezure threshold and stopping made it significantly lower, so needless to say, I had a lot of siezures in early recovery even with medication. I think hat is also why I had the odd electrical sensations, and I felt like my brain was continuously misfiring. I think out of body sensations are normal coming off them.

I'm glad your spending time with your Mom today - that's awesome! Have a good afternoon together! Also, please keep us updated. There are a lot of lurkers that come to this site, so sharing experiences throughout the process is beneficial. Have a good day!

 

[jinxer13]

Again a big thank you ex-benzo girl! I wanted to say how strong you must be to get through all that and even though I don't know you I am proud of you. It takes strength and determination and (excuse my language) a lot of balls especially when doctors hand out benzos like candy. But in the end its our choice what we put into out bodies. Also glad you have your family to support you. I've seen what alcohol can do and even though I'm not a drinker most of my family was. Excluding my mom. She is am almost non smoker .
Its strange bc up till I was 30-31ish I was a gym rat and my weekends were spent on my motorcycles or sitting on the beach, fishing or just chilling with my dogs and wife. I would wake up early just bc the air smelled fresh and listen to the waves. Was very care free but also a hard worker. These things are still very fresh in my mind and I can wait to be clear headed again and instead of waiting for some lazy drug dealer to take money I'd rather hit the highway on the bike (I'm a Harley guy btw) n head to the mountains with my best buddy. He has been clean for about 4/5yrs now. Even though he rides a sport bike I'll give him a pass bc he's like another brother to me. I do have one brother still alive who got sober last Christmas, the brother we lost was his identical twin. It sometimes seems like it would be harder to be an alcoholic since there is a liquor store on every corner. Ha nowadays I guess there is a drug dealer on every corner too! We live in a fairly nice beach town and they're just everywhere. Really is an epidemic but again we chose to ingest these substances. I've never been one to blame it on anyone but myself. Guess that was/is part of my problem, thinking I got myself into it and can get out without help but this forum and blabbing away is a huge step in realizing it doesn't have to be that way.
Well the walking dead finale is on soon so going to veg and watch it and prob wont get much sleep tonight but wanted you/everyone to know that I held strong today and have not used. Ha feel like hell and know what's coming but its ok and I or anyone can handle it. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has googled "how to stop opiate withdrawal" a million times thinking I'll find a magic fix but I've tried maintenance meds and if that's what keeps people safe and healthy its great but for me its just not the way. Again x-benzo girl is on the right page with healthy living, support and getting to the root of why. Please everyone stay safe and there is hope. A good state of mind can go a long way. Also go figure a simple forum with a guy who seems to write a whole lot (yep me) can get one day down with nothing more than advil then really anyone can do the same. Here's to all who struggle and to those taking the time to read these posts and help out total strangers. A very big thank you!!!
Opiate detox sucks bad and it doesn't matter if you take a pill a day or blow x amount of money on street drugs just remember the pain and discomfort is temporary and you are stronger than you think.
If anyone want to chat I'll be here (minus 90 minutes for my finale).
Thanks everyone and Ms.x-benzo girl!

 

[Moreaux]

I live in a beach town also, my house is on a golf course. It's a completely different way of life, and I think it's harder to get sober here. Everyone is focused on having a good time, booze is everywhere. I've had two IT jobs down here and neither drug tested and both allowed employees to drink at the office - anytime, not just special occasions. I know I would have a hard time if I relapsed because I don't even have to leave the house - I can buy booze from the concession girl that services the course, or walk two minutes to the club house.

I don't know if they do this elsewhere, but alcohol is so popular you can go into any grocery store and get samples lol. Other no food related stores also sell booze for some odd reason, and also do samples or offer you a glass of wine while you shop. Aside from the booze, H is epidemic here. I've never done H (used to do pills) but I see it frequently enough just going about my life around town. Its also a college town and full of other substances. We have several RC shops, and of course, we're close to the SC border so what isn't legal here is only a 45 minute drive away lol.

In a way I wish I hadn't moved here because if I ever do relapse, I have a feeling this town will be the death of me.

 

[jinxer13]

Its funny you mention the drinking thing bc I run supply companies and they pretty much force you to drink or make fun of you if you don't. I'll usually get ginger ale and just say its got whatever in it . People seem to think drunks are funny but mention a drug problem and they treat u different. Its true the beach atmosphere can be a good thing and a very bad thing. Its all up to you to just find a better way than pills and booze. I won't get into pot bc I have a different view on that one, gets me in trouble at meetings. I stopped smoking it but feel it has its place.
I'm north of your area but spent a lot of summers in NC by the outer Banks. Still one of my favorite spots. Since my addiction started I haven't vacationed anywhere which sucks and sucks for my wife. We would always hit the islands once a yr and I plan on doing that again very soon!
So have you been on these forums long? I always read them for help but never got involved. Seems a lot of people ask the usual ?'s like "am I dying" , "I've been clean for a day can i use again now". Like they don't know the answer.
I started on pills for back and shoulder pain but never abused them and I gues after my family passed it got worse. H was something I never thought I would use but was sick and it was cheap. I actually cried when I did it and it was bc I was afraid to be sick, now that's just sick in itself.
Well into day 2 and feel like crap but again its doable crap and I'm not backing down. I know in a few days when the crap goes away and you get that little bit of sleep, walk outside and can smell the air and hear the birds chirp that I'm on the way to happiness again. This time I figure to really change and get therapy, get my ass to meetingsand hhopefully not annoy people here .
Hope you all had a great day and if not then tomm will be better. Thanks for listening again!!!

 

[Moreaux]

So have you been on these forums long? I always read them for help but never got involved. Seems a lot of people ask the usual ?'s like "am I dying" , "I've been clean for a day can i use again now". Like they don't know the answer.

I've been a bluelight member, but only recently began participating in the forums. You mention people asking questions like they don't know they answer, I think there are several reasons. They may legitimately not know they answer lol, or they may want varied feedback - perhaps someone has a better answer. I know I had zero answers to my issues before I went to rehab. I was living in a different city, and addiction resources simply went available. I had to use the Internet to learn how to help myself. The obvious questions were what helped me most because I was starting a square one. I am grateful those questions were asked It also shows support. Addiction is a lonely place, and some people have isolated to where they have no one - or no one they feel comfortable asking drug questions to. It's comforting to be able to correspond with other people who can relate to their issues.

How are you doing today?

 

[simco]

hey, jinxer. been following your thread; you're doing awesome.

how are you feeling today?

 

[jinxer13]

Hey Simco, thank you for the words of encourement. Today started a little rough but I read something one time that made sense and was simple. Basically get ur sorry ass up, shower and do the normal routine bc it does make you feel better. I'm both lucky and not lucky that I have time to get this don't without many obligations. My family is very supportive and at the moment I'm not working. That's not always a good thing but to have a week to just get though does help. Been hitting meetings and since my mom lives close and is basically retired I'll head there and chill. And if I look or feel rough its ok bc like she said, if I'm sick then I'm not high! I'm telling ya it lost its appeal a long time ago but im trying not to dwell in the past bc there isn't much I can about it. I've been in a drug cloud way to long.
I had/have a great life and miss being care free. Its odd bc a free weeks ago I woke up and just didn't want it anymore. Went two days with minimal symptoms and got smacked with a legit stomach bug and then my addict brain kicked in bc my stomach hurt. Its pathetic. Again today my brain feels decent so just gonna roll with it. Hitting the gym in a little bit. Ha sleep would be nice but that will come.
I've done maintenance drugs before but its just not for me and I have noting against it. If it helps people stay clean and safe then thats great.
How about yourself? Things going ok?
And thank you again.

 

[jinxer13]

didn't forget about you x benzo girl! I guess your right and people don't know where to turn, don't have people to turn to or just maybe use it as an ice breaker plus its a scary time. Ur making a life changing decision and life sober can be a bit overwhelming to say the least.My experience was more enjoyable without the added addiction. I was free! Don't get me wrong drugs can be fun but when u get to a point where ur sick without them or doing things you never imagined then it seems to lose its appeal. When I got in deep I knew I would have to pay the piper and so I did. Took about 4 days off from work and dropped my pill habit. Stayed on the Valium bc I truly throught I needed it. Stayed clean for 3 months and was so happy and then my position was bought out at my job and they gave me a severance package and unemployment. So a chunk of money, constant income and free time was a relapse waiting to happen. I was still a pill guy, that changed about a year later.
One day at work (new job) I was sick so someone said hey I can only get "this" and further down the hole I went. Tried suboxone but was just a lame excuse at quitting then did methadone (made me an emotional zombie) plus I was using on top and added more Valium. Time for detox! I mentioned earlier I went cold turkey off all 3 and it truly wasn't what I expected but did last a while. One day I knew I was going to cave and felt like a loser asking for help so I caved. Since then its been only one drug and I know I have it in me to quit and stay off. Life is just so much better without it. Having lived 30yrs sober and enjoying almost every second of it I'll tell anyone its worth getting over the shit of detox and (still working on this) but getting help to stay clean. I'm typing this while withdrawing and not out of the woods but have been functioning the last few days. A good mind set and knowing they it will not kill you can help. Now benzo and alcohol should def be monitored by a hospital or detox center. They can be a lot worse than opiates and I want everyone to be safe and in the end to be happy.
Ha sorry to write so damn much but its helping me a lot and please don't feel u have to read all of it!
Any questions or what not please post or since I'm new here and doing something wrong please tell me.
Thank you all!

 

[Moreaux]

How are you doing today Jinxer13?

 

[jinxer13]

Hey x benz girl, thank you for checking in. So far its been the usual pain and suffering but still holding strong. Had some serious cravings yesterday and managed to do the right thing. Got my head straight and hit the beach with my two dogs. Ha the weather wasn't the greatest but beats getting high. It'd werid bc I'm not a day counter but I see a very dim light at the end of the tunnel but still a light . Not sure if its an addict thing or just my personality but I'm such and instant gratification guy so knowing that 5yrs of damage will take some time to heal from can be overwhelming! Trying to focus on finding a job and getting over the hump of detox. Ha please if I talk/type to much its bc I really like to talk. I've spent most of my career as a salemam so talking comes with the territory. Also was never one to take advice but started a journal so I can get some crap off my chest.
If u don't mind me asking, are you married or have children? Or dogs. Ha they are my children. Love em so much.
Oh sleeping had totally sucked and having crazy nightmares. Time will heal a lot. Been doing some light working out and a lot of hot showers. My brother has been up my butt to hit the weights. We always worked out together and I miss that feeling and I lost so much weight (not in a good way) I'm pretty tall 6'3" and would fluctuate between 225-240 depending on the time of year and down to about 185.
So I set some goals. One is to get to work asap. Need to fill my days and no grown man should sit around while his wife works. I need to take care of my beautiful wife. Two is to get my body back in shape. Its very important for mental well-being. Three is oh yea stay clean! .
Even if u or anyone else doesn't make it thought my rambling its just important to know that going through this doesn't have to be a bad thing even though it can feel like it won't end and its a physical and mental rollercoaster. In the end it is worth it. I could be wrong and don't know you but I'm sure you wouldn't trade it for the world.
You have no idea how much it means to me to just see you ask how I'm doing, thank you.
Sitting here watching the waves crash and feeding the seagulls (and job searching ) can really do so much for the soul.
I hope you have a wonderful day and if there is anything I can do to put a smile on ur face just let me know. You seem to have a kind soul. Ha don't worry I'm not a crazy weird internet stalker type!
Wow I do type a lot .
Chat again soon. Have one bagel left for the seseagulls. Who btw just left some seagull crap on the hood of my jeep! Think they were aiming for me

 

[Moreaux]

Hey x benz girl, thank you for checking in. So far its been the usual pain and suffering but still holding strong. Had some serious cravings yesterday and managed to do the right thing. Got my head straight and hit the beach with my two dogs. Ha the weather wasn't the greatest but beats getting high. It'd werid bc I'm not a day counter but I see a very dim light at the end of the tunnel but still a light . Not sure if its an addict thing or just my personality but I'm such and instant gratification guy so knowing that 5yrs of damage will take some time to heal from can be overwhelming! Trying to focus on finding a job and getting over the hump of detox. Ha please if I talk/type to much its bc I really like to talk. I've spent most of my career as a salemam so talking comes with the territory. Also was never one to take advice but started a journal so I can get some crap off my chest.
If u don't mind me asking, are you married or have children? Or dogs. Ha they are my children. Love em so much.
Oh sleeping had totally sucked and having crazy nightmares. Time will heal a lot. Been doing some light working out and a lot of hot showers. My brother has been up my butt to hit the weights. We always worked out together and I miss that feeling and I lost so much weight (not in a good way) I'm pretty tall 6'3" and would fluctuate between 225-240 depending on the time of year and down to about 185.
So I set some goals. One is to get to work asap. Need to fill my days and no grown man should sit around while his wife works. I need to take care of my beautiful wife. Two is to get my body back in shape. Its very important for mental well-being. Three is oh yea stay clean! .
Even if u or anyone else doesn't make it thought my rambling its just important to know that going through this doesn't have to be a bad thing even though it can feel like it won't end and its a physical and mental rollercoaster. In the end it is worth it. I could be wrong and don't know you but I'm sure you wouldn't trade it for the world.
You have no idea how much it means to me to just see you ask how I'm doing, thank you.
Sitting here watching the waves crash and feeding the seagulls (and job searching ) can really do so much for the soul.
I hope you have a wonderful day and if there is anything I can do to put a smile on ur face just let me know. You seem to have a kind soul. Ha don't worry I'm not a crazy weird internet stalker type!
Wow I do type a lot .
Chat again soon. Have one bagel left for the seseagulls. Who btw just left some seagull crap on the hood of my jeep! Think they were aiming for me

Hey Jinxer13 -

I'm also married. I was fortunate to find my husband during a sober time in my life, and I found a really patient and understanding man who doesn't have addiction issues, which has really helped me to get to a new level of healthy. We've been married for three years, and I was honest about my addiction problems before we began dating so he knew what he was getting into lol. It worked out as when we got married I relapsed planning the wedding (didn't realize getting married was so stressful) so he has seen my addict side. He didn't judge me, and was fully supportive when I decided to go back to rehab. I don't have children as I've been a drunk since 17, and knew I couldn't take care of a child. I do have cats, which are my babies. They are geriatric now, but a couple of them I raised from when they were literal infants (eyes weren't even open).

I know what you mean about work, I just recently went back to work. I feel guilty because I am a software developer by trade, and when my husband and I got together was bringing in close to six figure a year, and now I don't feel like I have the mental capacity to write code so I have a job that pays 1/4 of what I was making, and our quality of life suffers imo. I hate having to consider money before doing anything, and it's much harder to stay financially responsible. I brought us into a lot of debt when I relapsed, and it seems like it will take forever to dig out of. My husband has never once complained, or even said its my fault(which I know it is lol), but I feel bad I puts us in this situation. He was retired but had to go back to work :/

How does your wife handle the addiction? Was she an addict?

Man - I know what you mean about instant gratification. I feel like everything happens so slowly, it's hard to stay focused and motivated on the end goal. That's actually something I'm working on now - training myself to be patient and set realistic deadlines, and sticking to them. My job is part of this - regardless of what happens I am going to stick it out at this place for at least a year instead of jumping around looking for bigger and better opportunities lol.

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

My dogs are what keep me going. You're lucky, you have dogs and a beautiful wife. I'm envious.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I'm rescuing a German Shepard later today Animals are better for me then most people. Unconditional love and something to take care of. She's 8 months old and taken from a puppy mill but little does she know that in a few hours she's starting her life with an owner who loves her deeply Ive had Shepards before so she will be my protector and my best friend and I'll be the same to her. Still stuck on a name though
I hope your well jinx

 

[Moreaux]

Anyone around on the east coast ? Really need to share my addiction recovery .... Not an easy topic ... New around to blue light

Where on the East Coast are you?