New Poem: If We Got To Dance

[Ashley]

If We Got To Dance
Ashley Reynolds

My core is shaken, hands the same
Anger fuelled destruction, inside
I feel so different, so afraid
If it is the truth, I'll become dust
On the winds of sorrow, starting to rust
This is too much, swamped in a
Wave of horror

How could it be other than a lie?
A magic potion that has ravaged what was
Me and you, you and me, us and I
Sick to my stomach, I fiendishly try
And try and try to break down and cry
But no tears leak from my eyes tonight
Not for lack of pain, or evil tormenting thoughts

I am frozen, alone and lost
In a desert of a horrific place in life
Try as I might, I cannot feel anymore
A broken record, singing in my ear
Telling me everything, everything I feared
How could you do this to me, I don't understand
I thought we synergized, walking hand and hand
Obviously you think otherwise, and likely don't care

Too many weeks of distance, time passed with effort
Still you do not call, or as I rot, even visit
This crazy twisted moment, a pinch of time from
My life and your life, how could have failed?

I'm scared and I'm shaking, I know not what to do
The only thing I truly want by my side is you
Maybe if the heroin would only leave me blue
Not breathing, no heartbeat, an escape from what you
Have done to what seemed perfect, an illusion but real

Caught in the crossfire of a murderous situation
My heart has been broken and your words are not spoken
As I sit here, all alone, you nowhere to be found
I've looked, I've searched and had my ear to the ground
But there is nothing there to be heard
This seems unreal, so fake, so absurd

It cannot be real, my worst nightmare come to life
These feet have walked too far, I cannot carry on
Without you, life is meaningless and lacking in fun
Maybe I should have loved you so much more
Perhaps I dropped the ball and failed to make you happy

Too many questions and not enough answers
I'm beginning to consider taking that chance
Dialing the number of the final hotel
A place where I need to go, ring like a bell
Eternal blackness, my only hope and right
Heaven or Hell, what a ridiculous notion

I'll be happy with blackness
But wherever you are, presumingly my friend
Know that you have skewered my soul
With such a very sharp knife
The damage has been done, I hope you get to see,
The pain and the torture that you've thrust upon me

Bleeding, emotionally wounded
I trusted you, you told me to
I have failed at making you happy
For that I am truly, truly sorry

If only you had given me just one last chance
You would have seen just how much I loved you
At night we would have danced

Ash.

 

[Ashley]

Shameless bump.

Really after feedback on this piece, thank you friends.

Ash.

 

[ForEverAfter]

This is two poems, IMO... one that rhymes and one that doesn't.

These are the best rhyming sections:

How could it be other than a lie?
A magic potion that has ravaged what was
Me and you, you and me, us and I
Sick to my stomach, I fiendishly try
And try and try to break down and cry

As I sit here, all alone, you nowhere to be found
I've looked, I've searched and had my ear to the ground
But there is nothing there to be heard
This seems unreal, so fake, so absurd

At other points in the poem, you vary the style. For example, there are a couple of points where single lines are broken in half:

Not breathing, no heartbeat, an escape from what you
Have done to what seemed perfect, an illusion but real

This crazy twisted moment, a pinch of time from
My life and your life, how could have failed?

^These are single lines. The words "you" and "from" are the middle of the line.

If you split the poem into two, one rhyming and one not, then you don't have to concern yourself with maintaining standard syllabic line lengths. The musicality of your verse is, in this case, not as important as what you are expressing - which is very deep and personal. I'd argue that the structure of the poem and they rhymes detract somewhat from the "rawness" of your words.

You either need to split this into two poems, or decide which way to take it. Make it a rhyming poem or a non-rhyming poem. Personally I'd split it into two, because it's pretty long and the rhyming sections I quoted are keepers. But, overall, the content suits a free form verse.

Also, I think the theme of dancing could be implemented (subtly) throughout the poem rather than being referred to at the end. You can often use thematic tools to structure poetry more effectively than rhyme.

Aside from splitting it, I think you should go through the non-rhyming section and think about which lines are the most powerful - particularly in terms of imagery. Condense it a bit, if needed. I'd almost do a bit of a Burroughs-style "cut and fold" on this piece.

I'm happy to provide you with more feedback, if you like. Let me know.

-4EA

 

[Ashley]

Thanks 4EA, - I will be in touch.

Ash.

 

[missmegandelaney]

I'm not really an expert when it comes to poetry, but this was lovely.
Nicely done.