berkleealex
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Dec 26, 2008
- Messages
- 3
Hey, long time lurker. It says my last activity was 29-09-2003. Although, now this says Join Date was 2008. Weird. 
Never had the strength or willingness to post and share my struggles and/or craziness, but you all have kept me safe and alive for the past thirteen years through some pretty hectic situations. Thanks for all the harm reduction. No idea WHERE to post this, so mods if you want to move or delete please do. I am unfamiliar with current etiquette (other then SWIM is bs), so this is first person. Screw it.
I've been using for the past fifteen years or so. I have been involved in 12 step programs, been through a few long term treatments, just picked up a two year chip...and then...well you know the rest. Got some tramadol, then drank once, then again...then back on it. Somehow, for the first time in my life, I have been what's called a functional addict. I have a great career, plenty of money, and a loving family. But i'm not happy inside, and I know that this train only has one stop. The self control needed just to use every few days for the past few monthes has been TERRIBLE, and it's slipping away. So..trying to kick again. Just wanted to share this, in hopes that it may inspire me. I have quit multiple times, stayed clean anywhere from a couple days to the two year mark (longest yet). And was truly happy in that time period...then boredom kicked in. And apathy. Honestly, even after working the steps and sponsoring guys, inside..after a year or so...that stuff stopped helping. AA was an effective distraction at best, and got old. So I'm open to suggestions. I am in a very advantageous position, just had a couple lucky breaks and ended up with very small profit sharing for a LARGE company - which could provide financial freedom as to which i've never experienced. And to throw it all away on the feeling i had one night when I was 16, the same one I have been chasing, its sad. Anyways...enough time on the soap box. Just some background. Also, no one knows. I'm SURE people have guessed something is different the past few monthes, but no one outright knows that I have been using.
--------------------- fast forward to today.
Starting the general detox. Just wanted to re-iterate and preach the effectiveness of Loperamide. It's funny, it never use to work for me, maybe because I would have heavy withdrawals instead of the more mild state i'm in now, but it definitely helps now. No crazy 100mg doses...I took 6 2mg pills at 2am last night, woke up feeling MUCH better then I have recently. No high or anything, but no runny nose, slept fine, no yawning/eyes tearing (happens to me nonstop), no RLS, no pains, etc...just feel kind of tired. Took 6 more 2mg pills at around 9. Its noon and I feel fine. Honestly better (although less manic) then the past two weeks. I'm hoping for a very quick taper with Lope. 18mg max today (if i need more later, although I shouldn't), then cut by 4mg a day for the next few days and jump. I'm sure i'll start to feel worse later on, but as of right now, I feel okay. Not great, but okay. Dreading detox. It's really weird, since I relapsed my withdrawals have kicked in like the morning of the first day without anything. It use to take about 48 hours, now it's way, way less. So normally I would feel pretty crappy right now.
Anyways, i'll post some updates. I did order some phenibut, but read how addictive it is, and seeing my self control as of late, it may be a really bad idea to use it to help. I was thinking I could use it two times (on 2 separate days) of the detox, day 2 and maybe 4? To help with relaxation and a little break from the depression. Anyone think this is a bad idea, or good? I don't want to get hooked on something else...
Anyways, thanks for letting me preach. Just wanted to post. I owe it to my family to get my shit together, honestly I owe it to myself. This stuff use to be fun, now it's just another job. If I don't relapse, and can stick to my regiment, I will post a detailed timeline with effects and what has helped me get through. Thanks. (Also, again, this is more of a mild withdrawal. The main symptom I have is insomnia and terrible RLS. If I can beat that, I can suffer through the apathy and at least give my body a break).
==== withdrawl timeline ===
day 1: 12mg loperamide pills (not caps) at 4am. woke up feeling decent, but tired. ingested 10mg more loperamide pills around 10am with a multi-vitamin as this is the first day and I want it in my system. Had enough appetite to eat a small breakfast. So far we're at T + about 16 hours and I don't feel like i'm withdrawing at all. I have other things available to combat it, if things get worse, but so far so good. I think it helps that for whatever reason I have a VERY positive mental attitude towards this detox, and am actually looking forward to it. It doesn't hurt that the crap I've been buying and doing the past two weeks has sucked, and I have felt more crappy than euphoric. Will update this evening.
day 2: 10mg loperamide around 4am, 10mg more around noon-one p.m. I feel tired, and exhausted. None of the normal effects (rls, anxiety, runny eyes/nose) that I get...we'll see how I sleep. I slept fine last night, but with a newborn - I was up until 5 or so, and was in a pretty crappy mood. Very irritable. Very tired. After that I fell asleep out of sheer exhaustion. Hopefully tonight is better - if I can I am going to go to sleep early. It really is amazing what Lope can do for mild withdrawls...people don't believe. I think believing it will work is a huge factor in it working properly. Basically I'm just tired with low energy. Not much interest in anything. But i don't really feel bad...huge improvement in normal. I'll update tomorrow, going to try to cut way down on lope if I sleep tonight.
Never had the strength or willingness to post and share my struggles and/or craziness, but you all have kept me safe and alive for the past thirteen years through some pretty hectic situations. Thanks for all the harm reduction. No idea WHERE to post this, so mods if you want to move or delete please do. I am unfamiliar with current etiquette (other then SWIM is bs), so this is first person. Screw it.I've been using for the past fifteen years or so. I have been involved in 12 step programs, been through a few long term treatments, just picked up a two year chip...and then...well you know the rest. Got some tramadol, then drank once, then again...then back on it. Somehow, for the first time in my life, I have been what's called a functional addict. I have a great career, plenty of money, and a loving family. But i'm not happy inside, and I know that this train only has one stop. The self control needed just to use every few days for the past few monthes has been TERRIBLE, and it's slipping away. So..trying to kick again. Just wanted to share this, in hopes that it may inspire me. I have quit multiple times, stayed clean anywhere from a couple days to the two year mark (longest yet). And was truly happy in that time period...then boredom kicked in. And apathy. Honestly, even after working the steps and sponsoring guys, inside..after a year or so...that stuff stopped helping. AA was an effective distraction at best, and got old. So I'm open to suggestions. I am in a very advantageous position, just had a couple lucky breaks and ended up with very small profit sharing for a LARGE company - which could provide financial freedom as to which i've never experienced. And to throw it all away on the feeling i had one night when I was 16, the same one I have been chasing, its sad. Anyways...enough time on the soap box. Just some background. Also, no one knows. I'm SURE people have guessed something is different the past few monthes, but no one outright knows that I have been using.
--------------------- fast forward to today.
Starting the general detox. Just wanted to re-iterate and preach the effectiveness of Loperamide. It's funny, it never use to work for me, maybe because I would have heavy withdrawals instead of the more mild state i'm in now, but it definitely helps now. No crazy 100mg doses...I took 6 2mg pills at 2am last night, woke up feeling MUCH better then I have recently. No high or anything, but no runny nose, slept fine, no yawning/eyes tearing (happens to me nonstop), no RLS, no pains, etc...just feel kind of tired. Took 6 more 2mg pills at around 9. Its noon and I feel fine. Honestly better (although less manic) then the past two weeks. I'm hoping for a very quick taper with Lope. 18mg max today (if i need more later, although I shouldn't), then cut by 4mg a day for the next few days and jump. I'm sure i'll start to feel worse later on, but as of right now, I feel okay. Not great, but okay. Dreading detox. It's really weird, since I relapsed my withdrawals have kicked in like the morning of the first day without anything. It use to take about 48 hours, now it's way, way less. So normally I would feel pretty crappy right now.
Anyways, i'll post some updates. I did order some phenibut, but read how addictive it is, and seeing my self control as of late, it may be a really bad idea to use it to help. I was thinking I could use it two times (on 2 separate days) of the detox, day 2 and maybe 4? To help with relaxation and a little break from the depression. Anyone think this is a bad idea, or good? I don't want to get hooked on something else...
Anyways, thanks for letting me preach. Just wanted to post. I owe it to my family to get my shit together, honestly I owe it to myself. This stuff use to be fun, now it's just another job. If I don't relapse, and can stick to my regiment, I will post a detailed timeline with effects and what has helped me get through. Thanks. (Also, again, this is more of a mild withdrawal. The main symptom I have is insomnia and terrible RLS. If I can beat that, I can suffer through the apathy and at least give my body a break).
==== withdrawl timeline ===
day 1: 12mg loperamide pills (not caps) at 4am. woke up feeling decent, but tired. ingested 10mg more loperamide pills around 10am with a multi-vitamin as this is the first day and I want it in my system. Had enough appetite to eat a small breakfast. So far we're at T + about 16 hours and I don't feel like i'm withdrawing at all. I have other things available to combat it, if things get worse, but so far so good. I think it helps that for whatever reason I have a VERY positive mental attitude towards this detox, and am actually looking forward to it. It doesn't hurt that the crap I've been buying and doing the past two weeks has sucked, and I have felt more crappy than euphoric. Will update this evening.
day 2: 10mg loperamide around 4am, 10mg more around noon-one p.m. I feel tired, and exhausted. None of the normal effects (rls, anxiety, runny eyes/nose) that I get...we'll see how I sleep. I slept fine last night, but with a newborn - I was up until 5 or so, and was in a pretty crappy mood. Very irritable. Very tired. After that I fell asleep out of sheer exhaustion. Hopefully tonight is better - if I can I am going to go to sleep early. It really is amazing what Lope can do for mild withdrawls...people don't believe. I think believing it will work is a huge factor in it working properly. Basically I'm just tired with low energy. Not much interest in anything. But i don't really feel bad...huge improvement in normal. I'll update tomorrow, going to try to cut way down on lope if I sleep tonight.
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