New member here: general alcoholism discussion.

[pmod23]

Just joined but I've been on this website for quite a while. I'm currently going through WD from my latest bender (I'm strictly a liquor drinker, had my last drink 3 days ago) but the worst of it is pretty much over. I've been medically detoxed 3 times in as many months. This time I rode it out at home with the help of my girlfriend and some meds (gabapentin and naltrexone). I'm fairly young at 28 but I became a daily, all day drinker for the past 3 years. I've always drank to excess but when my drinking cost me my marriage (she's a good woman and a good mom, I would have left me too) and is affecting how often I can see my son, I spiraled quickly into " the abyss" that many of y'all are familiar with. It's just mind blowing how addiction works.

During any period of sobriety, which is usually only after being medically detoxed, I feel pretty good about things in general but then something, ANYTHING, causes me to fall off the wagon. I do like AA meetings but that's mostly because of the human interaction before and after the meetings. I know my wife leaving me was the catalyst that caused me to spiral downward so quickly but that was over 3 years ago! My drinking has only made everything worse yet I still go back to the bottle. Right now, I have no desire to drink but I've felt this way numerous times before. I know I'm kinda rambling, just have a lot of stuff to get off my chest and mind. You all seem very supportive of each other and I feel like I can be pretty candid with you. I'll wrap it up but last night, I think I was very close to DTs (I've had one seizure before) but I got a little food and water in me which seemed to help.

Anyways, was there a jumping off point where social drinking and using became full blown addiction? Also, any talk about withdrawal/DTs is welcome. It actually kind of fascinated by it in a weird way. Apologies for the long post again. Thanks guys!

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey pmod welcome to BL. Sorry to hear you have been struggling and that its cost you a great deal.

Its funny how our minds work in such an illogical way. We use the negative consequences of our abuse as a "reason or justification" for us to use even harder.

Its a vicious cycle that makes no logical sense, but addiction causes us to confabulate this insanity in our own minds and we actually believe it to be true.

I've always drank to excess but when my drinking cost me my marriage (she's a good woman and a good mom, I would have left me too) and is affecting how often I can see my son, I spiraled quickly into " the abyss" that many of y'all are familiar with........ ....I know my wife leaving me was the catalyst that caused me to spiral downward so quickly but that was over 3 years ago!

If we substitute in another phrase, for the ones we use in addiction, it usually becomes much clearer. I like to use hitting ones self in the head with a hammer.

So substituted with that and with a few other phrasing changed to remove the polish we add with our addiction selected phrasing it might look something like this.

I have always excessively hit myself in the head with a hammer, but when the awful effects of hitting myself in the head with a hammer made my wife, a good woman and good mother, divorce me and because I hit myself in the head with a hammer I can't see my son often. I could not handle these awful effects of hitting myself in the head with a hammer so I spiraled quickly into bludgeoning myself nonstop in the head with a hammer.... I know that hitting myself in the head with a hammer was the catalyst that caused me to spiral into bludgeoning myself nonstop in the head with a hammer harder, but that was over three years ago.

It's just mind blowing how addiction works.

It really is. Once we get through the physical stuff it comes down to one big mind fuck. This part is like an all drains lead to the sea phenomenon. We use the negative effects of our use as reasons, justifications and causes to continue to use and to use even more. Its addict insanity.

This is just one of the many thought manipulations addiction uses to puppet us around like its bitch. We need to learn how it works. We need to learn all its tricks and how to recognize and counteract them. Addiction's power lies in powerful manipulation based of designed and promoted delusions. Addiction is a grand illusion, but as with all illusions once you see through it you can't go back to not seeing it.

We need to learn all its many manipulative tricks. Once we see one of the hidden wires it uses to puppet us around, we can reach up and cut it. Once we find and cut them all we are free.

Learn how addiction works and you will no longer be its bitch. You can figure this out!!

Here are two threads with good info about addiction
Addiction Guide
The Brain and Addiction

Once again a warm welcome to BL

Here is a thread you may wish to join in on.

Alcoholism Discussion Thread Version 7.0

 

[RDP89]

Welcome to Bluelight! I just wanna say be very careful when quitting alcohol. With heavy drinking, a taper is always strongly advised. It sounds like you know why, having had a seizure before. Benzo tapers are generally cosidered best and the safest way to go.

 

[herbavore]

Hey pmod, welcome to TDS and the Recovery forums in general.

It sounds like you could really benefit from stress-busting strategies like CBT or Mindfulness to help you through those times when "something, ANYTHING" can (and usually does!) happen. When all your brain knows is to run for cover behind a substance, the way it has been conditioned to do, it makes sense that it will surely do just that. Teaching yourself new ways takes the exact same patience you would need to teach anyone anything new. It will feel awkward at first, contrived and your brain will come up with all sorts of propaganda but if you stick to it, like a good trainer does, eventually you will integrate new ways of handling stress; sometimes even dismissing it from a given situation altogether.

 

[Moreaux]

Hi pmod! I will write more later as I'm on my way to work now. I can relate to so much that you've said - I had a 17 year battle with alcoholism and finally have two years sober. If you haven't already look into Vivitrol - it was a game changer and lifesaver for me. Have a great Friday!

 

[Moreaux]

Hi pmod - kudos for having the courage to detox again - I know how hard it is and horrible it feels. I battled alcoholism for seventeen years, and the last five years were the absolute worse. It's shocking how quickly progressive it is. I started drinking as a teen and continued on at university because alcohol was an excellent social lubricant. Sober, I am not much of a conversationalist and am very awkward. Drunk, I make friends easily and my sense of humour comes through. I tend to be a loner and have always drank regardless of whether there are people present or alone. Alcohol negatively impacted my life from the moment I began drinking as I would binge and drink to blackout, starting with my first drunk. My regular cycle was one day on one day off until the very last year when it became a daily all day affair.

I tried for years to get sober - first by going to AA meetings, then alcohol classes, then group outpatient, intensive outpatient, and finally inpatient, twice. I never really detoxed in the traditional sense because I had a script for benzos. I was a fairly functional alcoholic up until around 2010 - I got a DUI and then had weekly trips to the ER because I drank too much and would take Xanax, and then keep taking Xanax because I forgot I had taken it already.

I've tried several medications to quit drinking, campral, naltrexone, Vivitrol, and Antabuse, which almost killed me. I drank a couple of twelve packs on Anatbuse and stopped breathing - my blood pressure ended up being 30/?, and they had to keep doing compression breathing on me.

I would get some sober time in and then quickly relapse, and it was very discouraging. To make a long story short, I discovered the driving force motivating me to drink - I am clinically OCD and it was out of control. I started learning techniques to deal with my OCD and anxiety and tried my best to not rely on medication. Armed with coping techniques I went back to rehab in 2014 for 21 days. I arranged to get Vivitrol on my last day there, and recorded Vivitrol for the next eight months. I continued to work on my anxiety and OCD with cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). I have been sober for two years, and in that time have not had one craving. I feel like the Vivitrol reset my brain to pre-alcohol addiction.

I think the key to getting sober is unlocking and dealing with the underlying issues driving you to drink. Dealing with those issues is the hard part, getting and staying sober is not too difficult once you get a handle on the issues. Feel free to kit me up with questions or vent, etc.

I wish you the best of luck! Please keep us updated.

ETA: if you detox yourself you may want to consider kratom in early recovery. I had great success in some of my earlier ventures of getting sober using kratom. It took the edge off and got rid of cravings. I also found that it lifted my mood. Be careful with it though as it is somewhat addictive in and of itself.

 

[Erikmen]

Hey pmod welcome to BL. Sorry to hear you have been struggling and that its cost you a great deal.

Its funny how our minds work in such an illogical way. We use the negative consequences of our abuse as a "reason or justification" for us to use even harder.

Its a vicious cycle that makes no logical sense, but addiction causes us to confabulate this insanity in our own minds and we actually believe it to be true.



If we substitute in another phrase, for the ones we use in addiction, it usually becomes much clearer. I like to use hitting ones self in the head with a hammer.

So substituted with that and with a few other phrasing changed to remove the polish we add with our addiction selected phrasing it might look something like this.

I have always excessively hit myself in the head with a hammer, but when the awful effects of hitting myself in the head with a hammer made my wife, a good woman and good mother, divorce me and because I hit myself in the head with a hammer I can't see my son often. I could not handle these awful effects of hitting myself in the head with a hammer so I spiraled quickly into bludgeoning myself nonstop in the head with a hammer.... I know that hitting myself in the head with a hammer was the catalyst that caused me to spiral into bludgeoning myself nonstop in the head with a hammer harder, but that was over three years ago.



It really is. Once we get through the physical stuff it comes down to one big mind fuck. This part is like an all drains lead to the sea phenomenon. We use the negative effects of our use as reasons, justifications and causes to continue to use and to use even more. Its addict insanity.

This is just one of the many thought manipulations addiction uses to puppet us around like its bitch. We need to learn how it works. We need to learn all its tricks and how to recognize and counteract them. Addiction's power lies in powerful manipulation based of designed and promoted delusions. Addiction is a grand illusion, but as with all illusions once you see through it you can't go back to not seeing it.

We need to learn all its many manipulative tricks. Once we see one of the hidden wires it uses to puppet us around, we can reach up and cut it. Once we find and cut them all we are free.

Learn how addiction works and you will no longer be its bitch. You can figure this out!!

Here are two threads with good info about addiction
Addiction Guide
The Brain and Addiction

Once again a warm welcome to BL

Here is a thread you may wish to join in on.

Alcoholism Discussion Thread Version 7.0

^ Great post NSA!

Pmod, at this point I would just like to welcome you and congratulate you for your decision!
Stick around and you'll see that we might have a lot of things in common and this team work really functions in some key moments we may be going through.
Good luck!
Erik