Grassow
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jan 22, 2016
- Messages
- 1
In my mid 40's.I really don't know where to start or if i am in the right section, seems like it though.Anyways. Sometimes after 17-18-19 ish i started feeling really shitty. But with my head screwed on right i had read so much what hormones does to people in that age, even if it was a bit late, usually happens around 12-16 where people think they are so deep and sad. Well i went on with my life and at 24 i got this really hectic IT-job. It felt amazing because i could finally stress and work instead of pondering about that gnawing cold feeling in the pit of my stomach. Didn't take quite long though before i needed 1 bottle of wine every night to fall asleep since i usually worked from 8 am to 10 pm. It worked super for 5-6 months. But the feeling i had the mornings after weren't so funny. Fetal position and shaking. So then i decided, ok, why not 2 bottles of wine each night instead then? You ain't so clever even around 24-26 years of age. 2 bottles of wine was PERFECT. Listening to music, connecting with likeminded people and i could fall asleep like a kid at night, around 2 am.But the sheer horror to wake up after those 2 bottles at around 6:30 in the morning wasn't funny.I started avoiding people, isolating myself everytime i got the chance. Saying i was sick when i wasn't because i couldnt look people in the eye without wondering "can they see i'm fkd up??"So after just a few months a quit the whole 2 bottle of wine every night and visited a hospital. Psyche ward. First i got treated alittle bad like "Well we all have it tough sometimes, maybe cut down on your working hours and definitely quit the self medicating wine" and she sent me home with some first line SSRI's and a little bottle of Oxazepam. They helped minimal. And i do mean minimal.At work once my coworker said "Look at you, your sitting in your chair with your toes touching the ground instead of of your feets" then she gave me a massage. She said she never felt anyone so tense in her entire life. And here i was only 27.Jaws clenched. Acid rephlux and a messed up stomach.Another year passed until i felt i wanted to be in a car crash so i could get off easy. I had a gf and she had a little girl so that little girl was my everything. I kid you not, she kept me sane and warm. But that one morning i wished for a car crash to be done with it i visited the ER. Now they took me seriously.I met a really wonderful, kind, empathic and listening doctor. She pressed a pamphlet in my hand about GAD and told me to read it. I got done in a few minutes and said "This is like someone observed me and wrote this about me, totally irrational fears, chronic insomnia and bodily aches 24/7.After that i diagnosed with depression with anxiety. Which i thought was weird but i guess they were right since you can only take so much anxiety until your body shuts down completely and stop caring. I literally became a stone. Piled my bills on a shelf and went back to sleep. Lost my job. Lost my relationship. I went through tons of different antidepp's for years without any real good results. Venlafaxin, Buspar, Seroxat, Cymbalta. Then came Rememron (Mirtazepine) which snapped me out of my depression but made me chubby as hell. Then they gave me Diazepam for my tension and anxiety. It helped but not enough. 2 years later i got Xanax and it turned my entire life around.I didn't tell my friends or family i was taking them and i heard "Wow, it's like you are back to your old self again now, god this is soo fun to see"So i'm a huge fan of Xanax. But i have enormous respect for it too so i don't take it daily. Only during very stressful periods.Hey...i guess this isnt a forum about whining about your anxiety and depression. But Xanax. Boy oh boy. What a medicine!I hate people who abuse them but how can i blame them? But it makes it harder for me to get it every fuckin time i get a new doctor.I was on the verge of trying Fentanyl in the end. I think i'm better off with Xanax
