New & Desperate. Help/Advice?

[daguerreotype]

Hi, guys.

Lately I have been suffering from what I call 'dissociation/disconnection', this has gone on for at least four weeks now. The only way I can describe it is by saying that I generally feel 'nothing'. I have no emotional connection to anyone that I had before, this includes close friends & family. I find it extremely difficult to be compassionate & emotional. I have no feelings throughout the day, nothing negative - nothing positive. I feel well & truly disconnected from everything around me. I'm not sure what's going on, and I'm a little worried because I'm slowly destroying myself & my relationships. I'm withdrawing from social events because I can't keep up the façade. I have no want or need to keep socialising, to even talk or see family members. I just feel like it would be better to be alone, easier maybe. I know deep down I have to keep these relationships alive, because I do not want to worry people.. even though they have noticed my severe shift in mental state. I'm becoming reckless, I take stupid risks that I shouldn't just because I don't care if I live or die. This is not depression, because I've been there, and this is nothing like it.. this is possibly worse, much worse.

Anyway - I'm here for help. I need it. I need to get out of this state & back to myself, but I don't know how. I have no idea what to do. I have no idea if any drugs can snap me back to reality, or make the disconnected feeling even worse, obviously I want to avoid the latter. Does anyone here have any experience with feeling like this? Anything that snapped you out of it - drugs, therapy, anything?

Thank you, BL.

 

[NotQuiteAnonymous]

What changed 4 weeks ago...did something stressful/overstimulating start? (like a new job, loss of a job or start of a new school year...)

Hang in there...i can promise you that it does eventually get better!

 

[daguerreotype]

What changed 4 weeks ago...did something stressful/overstimulating start? (like a new job, loss of a job or start of a new school year...)

Hang in there...i can promise you that it does eventually get better!

Honestly, I've tried to think so hard about what has happened, trying to figure out what could have triggered this.. but there's nothing. I honestly cannot think of a single thing. It was like I woke up one day & a switch in my brain had flipped. It started off just as a slight disconnected feeling, and then progressively got worse & worse each day after.

Thank you.. I really hope it does.

 

[Thick_as_a_Planck]

I've also experienced something like this. For me it was (I think) a reaction to a long bout of depression. I think after suffering depression for so long my brain simply decided it would be better to feel nothing at all. I remember it was actually quite a relief when it first started - it was better feeling nothing than mental pain. But after a few weeks it became almost unbearable, that was when I attempted suicide for the first time. Looking back it was the absolute lowest period of my depression - of my life, in fact - and I truly feel for you or anyone else going though it.

I can't really suggest that much. I eventually climbed out of it with a combination of therapy, family support and antidepressants. But even then I only managed to get back to being depressed. I'm sorry if I'm painting a grim picture, but if you have anything like what I had - and it sounds very much like you do - then you're in for the long haul. Just try to take some solace in the fact that I, and others, have experienced the same and survived. So can you.

 

[adicabrady]

Dag,you didn't mention if you were on any medications or any illegal drugs.It would help to know that.As far as I go,I can identify with the disconnect.Usually at least five times a week I have an "I'm sleeping" sign on my door because I have knocked myself out and don't want to be bothered by people.I also clock-watch,waiting for the day to be over.The problem is there is a next day.

Besides not wanting to see people,I also have no interest in doing anything except reading and watching TV.

I had a heroin habit for decades and don't now,so I would have thought I would be extremely happy.I'm just bored a lot but don't want to do anything.I'm diagnosed bipolar but it is a rare thing now for me to swing manic.The vast majority of the the time,I'm depressed and feel suicidal.

So Dag,please put more information about yourself.No one will be able to help you if they don't know enough of your situation.

 

[Lolie]

I'd seriously recommend seeing a mental health professional. What you're describing sounds very similar to mixed bipolar episodes, which are considered a psychiatric emergency.

Make absolutely sure that you mention the recklessness, because there's a fair chance that you'll be diagnosed with unipolar depression and only be prescribed antidepressants if you don't and SSRIs on their own can make things much, much worse.

You don't mention past or current drug use - that's something whoever evaluates you needs to know as it's relevant to making an accurate diagnosis.

Getting some kind of therapist would be a really good idea at this point, preferably one who is qualified to diagnose as they can advocate on your behalf to your prescribing specialist if the medication side of your treatment plan isn't working.

It's good that you're wanting to do something about this in its early stages rather than letting it drag on for a long time before seeking help. There's a good chance that you'll be able to turn it around relatively quickly if you seek help sooner rather than later.

 

[Asclepius]

So Dag,please put more information about yourself.No one will be able to help you if they don't know enough of your situation.

^yes

Have also experienced a prolonged period this and it is truly frightening not being able to feel anything. In hindsight, I know that multiple factors contributed to why I felt so Disasociated: Not eating, Lack of sleep, Ecstacy and Alcohol perhaps L.S.D. was a factor?( but I hadnt done it to excess).
Also, many of my old close friends had moved to College(even though the negative feelings and attitudes had been brewing toward my friends for a while so things had been spiralling before this also) and the people I was hanging around with wer drug/drink buddies and people I mistrusted(I felt very lonely and unsafe sometimes paranoid)
When I changed my lifestyle I didnt just snap out of it. I remember that I had lost my ablity, to not just connect with others but also myself, and the single most devastaing thing being that I had lost my imagination so there was no sense of release or escape from the numbness. I had been clinically depressed before but hadnt experienced that numbness for such a prolonged period of time. Geezus even trying to recall this time is difficult because I dont remember what It 'felt like' cause I didnt seem to 'Feel' and that was totally out of character for me. The only way I can describe it was like I had lost my soul(know thats a cliche but it was the stuff of nightmare). I really empathise with you here dag!
Before things got back to normal I was trying to will myself to imagine what was going on in side my body and mind because it felt dead to me. I took a course in the country involving Meditation through using Visualisation techniques, and though initially nothing major occured, I eventually, with lots of practice, got to develop my visual and sensory imagination again. Things improved from there VERY slowly and I was left with alot of Anxiety and Paranoia but I had professional help and my family supported me so I had hope things would get better....and they did!
^ Dont know if you can relate to that.

Think its important to talk to your Docter, just to cover some areas of what might be happening to you, or not happening as the case may be. ie onset personality disorder etc? It's best to get to the root of things before they deteriorate any further. Dont keep this to yourself, your doing the right thing sharing on bluelight....but do reach out to anyone else you can trust and post some more info about what you think may have led up to this state youve been in the past few weeks. Take care of yourself Dag!

 

[machoki]

I know what you are going to, I have the same thing. I've had social anxiety for three years before developing it to depression these last four weeks. It's exactly what you say, i dont feel anything at all either. I can't sleep but I'm too tired to stay awake, my body feels 10 times heavier, I "think" constantly it's like a voice in my head, and I can't make it go away, ect. This is by far the worst feeling I've ever had in my entire life, I really hope we both get out of is.

"Asclepius": when did you eventually get better? How long was your depression? I've had one session so far, and my doc tried mediation for me too. Peace

 

[Asclepius]

@ Mach-The Dissacociation lasted, I think, about a year but tapered off. I was diagnosed with depression at 17 and I still get bouts of it but nothing near as huge as what I used to. Age can have a huge influence too sometimes;in Teens /early Twenties between body Chemistry and Social pressures it can be very intense, it depends on the persons make-up and lifestyle also. Do you excercise M?(Especially nothing ultra intense like walking). Hows the Doc working out for you? Keep up with the Meditation and Councelling(think u said?) and dont be afraid to try any other other Alternatives ie Psychotheerapy, Groups, Yoga etc Anything at all, you can always decide to leave if they dont meet your needs. Best of luck hun, take things easy on yourself!
~Keep posting about how your getting on and Welcome to BLx

 

[machoki]

I'm 18. I'm a sportsman, when I felt allright I went gymming, and jogging every day (i play ice hockey, but i'm injured now), but with this depression developing it became harder, and harder to push myself, until about two weeks ago i quit entirely, allthough i promissed myself, that I would go tomorrow.

I'm trying, and I'm going to do everything in my power to win against this "disease" thank you so much for the good wishes!!

 

[Asclepius]

I'm 18. I'm a sportsman, when I felt allright I went gymming, and jogging every day (i play ice hockey, but i'm injured now), but with this depression developing it became harder, and harder to push myself, until about two weeks ago i quit entirely, allthough i promissed myself, that I would go tomorrow.

I'm trying, and I'm going to do everything in my power to win against this "disease" thank you so much for the good wishes!!

Yesss-thats the Spirit, love that fighting talk! Your v welcome.

 

[daguerreotype]

Thank you ALL so, so much for responding.

As for further information - I am currently un-medicated. In the past year s I have heavily abused Lyrica, & have regularily been drinking Alcohol, but that's it. I haven't found any sort of connection to them, and I stopped them both roughly two-three months prior to this happening. I do drink still, but only socially & relatively non-regularily now.

I have been on a Lofepramine+Lyrica combo before & it helped with the depression, but I had to come off of it due to the side-effects. Normally I can stick with medication & push past it, thinking it will be worth it, but it was too much. This was about sixth months ago though, so I also don't think it has any connection.

My mother is Bipolar (Just adding this info for Lolie who mentioned that) & I have been diagnosed with clinical depression, but I decided to try being un-medicated for a while since I've been on countless ssris & tricyclics since the age of 14, none of which really did much good.

I'm just not sure what to do anymore. This is really completely new to me, but I'm (in a way) glad that I'm not the only one feeling this way. You guys have given me a little hope. Thanks, everyone. I really appreciate the replies.

 

[donnie080208]

@Asclepius


I am now 32 years old and at 17/18 i was an lsd and cannabis w-end abuser, one night i had a bong that i believe changed my mental heath forever. I felt unreal, numb, no emotions, panicky all the time and paranoid. Over the years i abused alcohol and opiates to self medicate which led to much darker places .anti-psychotics havent worked currently on citralpram,lamotrigine,mirtazepine
The condition you have sounds like "derealization" and could be permanent like mine or more than likely lift in a short time. The thing to do is stop smoking weed, takeing e's, acid, as for certain people you are playing russian roulette with chemicals instead of bullets.

 

[Asclepius]

@donnie Thanks but I'm also in my early 30's now, currently not on any permanent drugs recreational or otherwise(only manage some very unfrequently for Spiritual reasons). Fortunately, that stuff happened to me a long time ago and I'm doin pretty ok, just dealing with mild Anxiety and Depression!

The thing to do is stop smoking weed, takeing e's, acid, as for certain people you are playing russian roulette with chemicals instead of bullets.

^Agree with this! Different People have different Enviromental, Personality, Psychology, and Physical factors to contend with and no-one is ever really certain how their DOC's will effect them long term. If I could go back I would be alot Wiser and have excercised more sensible caution. Hindsight is a great thing eh?!!

[w/Edit]n the past year s I have heavily abused Lyrica, & have regularily been drinking Alcohol, but that's it..........I have been on a Lofepramine+Lyrica combo before & it helped with the depression.................My mother is Bipolar & I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.......Ive been on countless ssris & tricyclics since the age of 14, none of which really did much good.

^Dag, dont know if Lyrica has anything to do with this(even though you've stopped misuse of it over 6months ago), but along with the regular drinking, depression meds and your genetic predisposition to depression and/bi-polar-this recepie sounds pretty dangerous.
Lyrica is fairly new on the Market, from what I read, and because its used to treat seizures in some circumstances the potential Neurological impact it may have caused can't be completely ruled out. Also because it(and perhaps other Anti-D's at the same time??) was consumed with Alcohol, could possibly contribute to have a serious impact? However the only way you'll really know is to find a docter you feel comfortable with and explain your History with it.

Doin some casual research on it just to see what may pertain to your situation. Apparently in clinical trials some adverse reactions were found in some subjects. These included: Ataxia-a consequence related to the Cerebellum in the brain; responsible for some cognitive functions such as Attention and Emotional one's such as Fear and Pleasure. Sensory-Motor relationship may be impaired( damage like this is also related to behavioural and Emotional problems in kids with ADHD; just thinking about your reckless, and risk taking behaviour you mentioned before).

....Im no expert so dont jump to conclusions but now is the time to start helping yourself find some solutions to get better.

 

[Jesusgreen]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Derealization

Don't worry, chances are it won't last long. I've had it myself and I know how horrible it is at the time, but it faded after 2 or 3 weeks when I had it.

If it didn't happen while on the influence of drugs (as it did for me) then it's likely to be a result of stress and anxiety, maybe switch up your routine and give yourself a break, relax a little, maybe go for a holiday somewhere.

The problem is, derealization is made worse by worrying - and derealization makes you worry so much that you'll never feel better, so it can be hard for a while, but I assure you that you CAN get better. Just try to look at it like a long lasting cold, you can help relieve symptoms but there's no magical cure - just try and remain calm, relaxed, and I'm sure you will feel better soon.

If you need someone to talk to about it, feel free to drop me a PM as I have some experience with it myself and with other people who've had it.

Donnie, if your condition is permanent than I would hazard a guess that it's more likely to be depersonalization rather than derealization, they are VERY similar but depersonalization is almost always long-term/permanent, and usually focuses on disconnection from yourself rather than from your surroundings - and it's very often brought about by drug abuse.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization_disorder

By the way, machoki, what you have does not sound like derealization to me, but rather severe anxiety as a result of your depression and social anxiety. Try and keep positive, and maybe try out a social anxiety forum or something, it can be a hard thing to live with, but I assure you, just like derealization, social anxiety IS temporary and can be fought off, even though a lot of people don't realise that. Admittedly it can return, but if you've beaten it once you can beat it again. I used to have severe social anxiety, couldn't even say hi to people, but I pretty much beat it completely. It's kind of returned since I moved country but I'm in the process of fighting it off again.

Hope my post helps you guys.

 

[donnie080208]

"Donnie, if your condition is permanent than I would hazard a guess that it's more likely to be depersonalization rather than derealization, they are VERY similar but depersonalization is almost always long-term/permanent, and usually focuses on disconnection from yourself rather than from your surroundings - and it's very often brought about by drug abuse."


Well ive had it since age17/18 with no respite, apart from with the hardcore drugs, little relief. I think mine is a bit of both , dereal/person, i did take weed/lsd but not heavy. i just think my brain/personality was vunerable to it for whatever reason. Its cost me my life and im now existing in the land of the living dead.
If your young and think this may be happening to you, dont ever smoke cannabis or other mind bending drugs like acid, xctasy