New again! Hello.

[zeespiralout]

Hello out there!
My name is Zie and I am an addict. I started out as a professional partier for my teens, then after trying my first pain pill, I found myself very caught up with it and unable to stop. I also smoke weed all day and have for years, but it is just like coffee to me. I did have over a year after getting pregnant but relapsed at my bar job after baby was 6 months. Since then I have been back and forth from many different opioids and periods of real stability with suboxone. Unfortunately, I reached a point where it really didn’t do anything for my cravings anymore and I should have stayed in AA and done some step work because I didn’t have any defense for my stinking thinking.

This was about 5 months ago and I am really struggling to find a desire to be sober. I know this road, I already wake up sick, I have lost people I love and I still don’t want to be sober. I am fairly functional, I just really fall apart without it. For now, I’m just trying to keep as functional as possible, keep my tolerance under control and appreciate that I am not as miserable and depressed as I was before my relapse.

I decided to join a forum or two because I have very few real friends who I can really be honest with, and it’s pretty crushing. I like to label myself as an introvert who doesn’t need anything from anyone but deep down, but it is pretty rough to be in this spot without people I can talk to about it. My husband is great but me telling him how I really feel just leads to him being pissed off that I “don’t get it”, how do I still want to use, knowing how dangerous it can be. I understand from his perspective, I just don’t know how to get it.

Thanks in advance for anyone who reads this, I really appreciate it and hope you all have a great, fuzzy or sober day, depending on what you are after!

 

[M!$TER-ED]

Hey, welcome to BL. I appreciate your introduction as many here have had similar experiences as you describe. Yet although we are family in some respect of life we are equally diverse in our experience dealing with life. It's ok if you don't get it, chances are there are things that people close to you don't get where you are coming from either. That's what makes everyone unique each person has something to offer that no one else has.

How long have you been married? My wife and I celebrated our 46 anniversary earlier this month. She has seen me at my absolute worse and she still loves me and I feel the same about her. Do you have any children or pets? Funny that I lumped pets and children in the same sentence, but when you think about it there's not much difference in caring for them.

I hope you find BL useful and beneficial to you. in whatever aspect you hope it will be. Bluelight has your back.

 

[Robi]

 

[zeespiralout]

Hey, welcome to BL. I appreciate your introduction as many here have had similar experiences as you describe. Yet although we are family in some respect of life we are equally diverse in our experience dealing with life. It's ok if you don't get it, chances are there are things that people close to you don't get where you are coming from either. That's what makes everyone unique each person has something to offer that no one else has.

How long have you been married? My wife and I celebrated our 46 anniversary earlier this month. She has seen me at my absolute worse and she still loves me and I feel the same about her. Do you have any children or pets? Funny that I lumped pets and children in the same sentence, but when you think about it there's not much difference in caring for them.

I hope you find BL useful and beneficial to you. in whatever aspect you hope it will be. Bluelight has your back.

Thank you!
Married 11 years with 2 amazing kids and 3 cats. Husband was absolutely buck wild when he was young and dealt with a meth addiction for awhile and now has over 20 years off most things, we both still smoke weed. He has been through it with me though lol. I really owe a lot to him for making sure our bills get paid first etc. I’m great with taking care of things but I’d probably financially ruin us if he wasn’t helping me manage it.
Congrats on 46 years that’s awesome!
I dont even really know, I just am tired of feeling alone in it, my plug is not the chatty type. most people I interact with irl say things about addicts that boil my blood so can’t talk to them. I know that conversation wouldn’t go far.
Thanks for the response!

 

[zeespiralout]

lol, thank you!

 

[Robi]

lol, thank you!

Stick around,lots to learn and good people

 

[asmodeusthewrathful1]

Hello out there!
My name is Zie and I am an addict. I started out as a professional partier for my teens, then after trying my first pain pill, I found myself very caught up with it and unable to stop. I also smoke weed all day and have for years, but it is just like coffee to me. I did have over a year after getting pregnant but relapsed at my bar job after baby was 6 months. Since then I have been back and forth from many different opioids and periods of real stability with suboxone. Unfortunately, I reached a point where it really didn’t do anything for my cravings anymore and I should have stayed in AA and done some step work because I didn’t have any defense for my stinking thinking.

This was about 5 months ago and I am really struggling to find a desire to be sober. I know this road, I already wake up sick, I have lost people I love and I still don’t want to be sober. I am fairly functional, I just really fall apart without it. For now, I’m just trying to keep as functional as possible, keep my tolerance under control and appreciate that I am not as miserable and depressed as I was before my relapse.

I decided to join a forum or two because I have very few real friends who I can really be honest with, and it’s pretty crushing. I like to label myself as an introvert who doesn’t need anything from anyone but deep down, but it is pretty rough to be in this spot without people I can talk to about it. My husband is great but me telling him how I really feel just leads to him being pissed off that I “don’t get it”, how do I still want to use, knowing how dangerous it can be. I understand from his perspective, I just don’t know how to get it.

Thanks in advance for anyone who reads this, I really appreciate it and hope you all have a great, fuzzy or sober day, depending on what you are after!

I’m in the same boat in terms of being able to find people i can trust, let alone people i can actually call friends. I know my addiction plays a big part in this partly because of the shame associated with it and also my desire to be a decent person and associate with normal people.(unfortunately it’s been hard to find other users who are both functioning and also striving to be morally improved versions of themselves which leads me to attempt to try to befriend normal people with little success getting the relationship past just an acquaintance. The addiction is either something I end up having to hide which forces me to keep people at a somewhat distance or becomes a total dealbreaker and so I just mostly meander through life with my two dogs trying to talk to people on the internet with hopes one day I’ll find someone who’s willing to put up with me lol. I have come to the conclusion that after 21 years of IV h use started at the age of 11 becoming sober is a pipe dream and honestly the thought of sobriety doesn’t really entice me. I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that I’m ok with not wanting that for myself because I can be just about anything I want to be and do just about anything that I put my mind to, while being a functioning addict because i don’t make excuses or use my doc as a crutch to lean on. I figure all the people who have walked out of my life because of my addiction don’t belong in my life in the first place because they have no faith in me and are apparently so closed minded that they refuse to get to know me to the point where they can see my drive to be the best version of myself and my drive to succeed in life. And yes I’ll admit it’s a terribly lonely road at times but what it has done for me is allowed me to see the power in and find solace in being by myself for so much of my time to where I have really gotten to know myself down deep through completion of shadow work. I have stood back enough from society long enough to have a good outside view into what kind of people would actually be beneficial for me to know and to have the self respect to not tolerate mistreatment of any kind. I am big on believing in manifestation, so having the mindset that it’s already occurring presently I will manifest meeting someone on the same level as I am spiritually as well as bringing opportunities to me that are meant for me, and as i raise my vibration more people who no longer serve me spiritually will continue to fall away and leave my life. So that being said basically don’t be sad that any particular person walked out of your life for any reason, they don’t belong in your life anymore and the people who are meant to be in your life will come at the right time as long as you continue to do what you do and continue to be a better version of yourself. Feel free to message me or say hi. I am understanding of circumstances and I don’t judge and wouldn’t mind a sort of philosophical talk or something to pick my brain and make me think.

 

[M!$TER-ED]

I’m in the same boat in terms of being able to find people i can trust, let alone people i can actually call friends. I know my addiction plays a big part in this partly because of the shame associated with it and also my desire to be a decent person and associate with normal people.(unfortunately it’s been hard to find other users who are both functioning and also striving to be morally improved versions of themselves which leads me to attempt to try to befriend normal people with little success getting the relationship past just an acquaintance. The addiction is either something I end up having to hide which forces me to keep people at a somewhat distance or becomes a total dealbreaker and so I just mostly meander through life with my two dogs trying to talk to people on the internet with hopes one day I’ll find someone who’s willing to put up with me lol. I have come to the conclusion that after 21 years of IV h use started at the age of 11 becoming sober is a pipe dream and honestly the thought of sobriety doesn’t really entice me. I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that I’m ok with not wanting that for myself because I can be just about anything I want to be and do just about anything that I put my mind to, while being a functioning addict because i don’t make excuses or use my doc as a crutch to lean on. I figure all the people who have walked out of my life because of my addiction don’t belong in my life in the first place because they have no faith in me and are apparently so closed minded that they refuse to get to know me to the point where they can see my drive to be the best version of myself and my drive to succeed in life. And yes I’ll admit it’s a terribly lonely road at times but what it has done for me is allowed me to see the power in and find solace in being by myself for so much of my time to where I have really gotten to know myself down deep through completion of shadow work. I have stood back enough from society long enough to have a good outside view into what kind of people would actually be beneficial for me to know and to have the self respect to not tolerate mistreatment of any kind. I am big on believing in manifestation, so having the mindset that it’s already occurring presently I will manifest meeting someone on the same level as I am spiritually as well as bringing opportunities to me that are meant for me, and as i raise my vibration more people who no longer serve me spiritually will continue to fall away and leave my life. So that being said basically don’t be sad that any particular person walked out of your life for any reason, they don’t belong in your life anymore and the people who are meant to be in your life will come at the right time as long as you continue to do what you do and continue to be a better version of yourself. Feel free to message me or say hi. I am understanding of circumstances and I don’t judge and wouldn’t mind a sort of philosophical talk or something to pick my brain and make me think.

So true!

We are magnets that attract people of like minds and similar characteristics. Keep being true to yourself in honesty and integrity. Your standards for living reflect who you are and opportunities available to you.