Never thought growing up would be so lonely and habits would haunt me.

[Bojangles69]

Yeh theres no real magical response for a thread like this other than what was said right above.

But reading through your story gives us all a real clear glimpse into the forces that fuck with addicts on a daily basis. Getting that label. Having people talk behind your back. People boosting their own egos by trying to shit on you, etc. Thing is though, whether you're doing good or bad, people talk. So it doesn't matter, it doesn't ever matter actually. And growing old that is one thing for certain I can tell you you will learn.

I'll tell you something though. I went through a similar experience with rehab then getting out and having my friends be different towards me. In fact most of them (even friends from elementary) outright abandoned me altogether. And I didn't really fuck with any of them, altough I'm sure I was a bad influence just to be around.

The difference is I actually didn't focus on the fact of what I was up against socially, because I was on bail at the time from the minute I got out of rehab, at 19 years old, awaiting a 7 year prison sentence. When I had literally just got to college. And thats why I agree with the "life just sucks" statement you can't really say it any otherway. I was completely able however to not really give a fuck about any of my friends, because truth is most of them were fake ass posers into the surfing/skating punk rock scene. Good people no doubt. But young and ignorant same exact way I was. They just expressed it differently is the point.

But about the whole "lonely" thing. I don't really feel lonliness like other people do. Because once you spend 19 months being locked behind a brick wall, with 1 hour out your cell everyday, you FIND a way to not be lonley. Because if you don't, you try to run head first into a brick wall like I did and wind up with a concussion. However. The thing average people don't realize, is there is no real difference between being home in your room alone, and being in a prison cell. You can feel the SAME exact way in either place.

And realizing that when I got out, was a huge liberator for me. I just don't really get lonely a lot. And I'll tell you why. When I had "friends", and would be out just living my life, but not around my friends, no matter where I was, I NEVER talked to strangers. I mean why should I? I had friends that were 'cooler' than everybody. Now and days I don't have friends, but no matter where I am, I am meeting new people and talking to new people. If its just getting coffee, a pack of cigs, anything, I interact with people and I think I do it now just because I was as lonely as a person can be at one point in my life. In that token prison has absolutely changed me. When I had friends I never explored the world or cared to meet new people. Now w/out them I'm like a "lone explorer", and honestly I almost prefer it over living in a isolated social world with a close nit group of idiot friends who only care about rock music and bars.

And the fact is if I wanted a less lonley life I could have one. Thing is I just don't feel lonely. But other people might say just because I don't have friends that I must be lonely. Thing is, lonely is a state of mind, nothing more nothing less. And you can change that state ANYTIME you truely want to. Right now you are just going through a stage that is teaching you that fact. You're still young, still maturing and learning, and soon you will find one day no matter where you are or what you are doing, that being "lonely" is always a choice.

 

[Trate]

You will always come across people in your life who will criticize others addictions and downfalls due to their own insecurities or lack of understanding, if you're lucky enough you will find a select few to share your life and experiences with, both good and bad.

There are very few people in my life that can fully comprehend what I went through for my addictions; addiction is a very personal thing, even the most experienced of people will often misinterpret, but just because some of them don't understand doesn't mean that they don't care; and with enough compassion anything is possible.

Your post really spoke to me, the whole love for self destruction and isolation thing is I think very relevant to anyone who's been through anything remotely like this, pay attention to what others have said; you're young, you've graduated and you've potentially got a lot on the horizon, apart from the many roadblocks a long the way.
Leaving school and growing up is a tough transition, you get stuck between the expectations of others, the confusion of growing up and the aspired dreams of your childhood. It's hard for everyone, but all of this hardship in the long run doesn't always have to be such a bad thing, as you said yourself you feel you've learned a lot from the whole experience, lessons that people otherwise would simply never learn. In time, once you've adapted and feel more comfortable with yourself, you will find these experiences will give you an insight into the world that you otherwise wouldn't of had. This often isn't just beneficial to yourself either, I'm now a better son and boyfriend than I ever thought possible, and because of the hardship, I appreciate the love and warmth oh so much more.

Keep your head up mate, and always remember that our mistakes make us who we are, but they never define us.