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neone clean here?

lilmizer

lilmizer

Greenlighter
Joined
Oct 4, 2011
Messages
39
So i used to scour other drugs and ultimately the dark side whilst in the grips of gram+ a day heroin addiction. I grew up in upper middle class suburbia outside of manhatan and ended up auctioning off everything save my soul to IV heroin/cocaine. Then i cleaned up after burglarizing my mother's abode, and got sober in St. Louis via a 12 step program.

Having rebuilt my life, the insidious nature of the malady began to slowly take hold. Egotism and fear pervaded my existence as i was accepted to a premier nursing school, and making 1k/week waiting tables at a 4 star restaurant. I hurt my back weightlifting, and due to extreme biases i had bought into that pervade 12 step groups (medication is evil etc) coupled with my perverse obsession with material success (a never ending cycle of consuming name brand clothes, preoccupation with driving luxury vehicles, ability to close on sexed up females,) my 'program' crumbled and i put 40k in my arm (savings, sports car, loft apartment, girlfriend etc.) over a 9 month period and once again ended up indigent and enslaved to iv heroin/cocaine. The cumulative emotional turmoil, self hatred due to living like a criminal animal, and another catalyst (specifically the theft of an ex-girlfriend's vehicle... then totaling it after some benzos and a 1/3 gram shot, evading police and checking into a psych ward :) led me to get sober again (12 step stye, its the only thing that works.)

So i dont have insurance, and to get through initial paws, i morph into essentially a fitness fiend. Being an egomaniac drug addict i quickly rebuilt my mass and re-injured myself doing heavy (325lbs) deadlifts. I sell cars and walk the lot all day and work 65 hours a week. Getting an appointment at a clinic takes forever (10 weeks) and its difficult for me to request off blah blah. taking max dose (800mgs/4xa day) ibuprofen doesnt really deal with the pain blah blah blah. the perspective of my sponsor is wait it out and take as prescribed by doctor's orders... would be nice if i wasn't an dopefiend pulling myself up by my bootstraps (immediately triggers feelings of resentment/anger as i am no longer upper middle class dude who doesnt have access to his resources.)

So i procured some cyclobenzaprine for spazms and tramadol. immediately assisted w/ my quality of life, (dont tell me to pray the pain/backspasms/paws insomnia away, higher power beliefs are helpful and i am not discrediting the power of prayer, however i'm not some idiot who believes this will magically fix me.) however my supply has run out (it was extremely limited.)

I can probably access vicodin but would have to cwe them as my hepatitic liver probably wouldnt appreciate the acetominophen.

also can access buprenorphine strips and could cut strips down to .5s...

Point is i'm not trying to get a buzz, just need relief...

Any thoughts?

-lm
 
I did the NA thing on the west coast for 2 years, recently 'relapsed' on marijuana and alcohol. I dno man it's a slippery slope....

'it's an honest program' is what I always heard. Once you start the shame and guilt of your lies may drive you to do things you really don't want to do.

But honestly if you're in severe pain you should try physical therapy, chiropractic, ect. Having a ridiculous opiate tolerance means it will be hard to get relief, yet alone control yourself in your use of that relief. I'd be totally honest wih your sponsor if I were you, regardless of what you decide to do
 
Have you ever tried Rational Recovery or Smart Recovery groups? Just wondering if those could be a good addition to 12 step for you in terms of support and a slightly different philosophy. Kudos to you for 'pulling yourself up by your bootstraps' twice. As far as the pain goes, I would agree with Disreali: try everything you can before pain meds. Pain management classes often have many people in them that are in recovery. If nothing else it may be another form of support. good luck. I know that constant pain like that is really discouraging.
 
You still in St Louis my friend? PM me as that's my 'hood I guess you could say (I still reside on the east side). I'm almost 7 months clean so obviously I'm doing something right. Taper on the sub strips quickly. If you're still in the STL I can vouch saying that pricing is pretty reasonable (won't list prices here). There are numerous state-funded programs to detox in the bi-state area.
 
seretonin101. i'm sober lol. hit me up. i cant pm. [email protected]

i got that connect on the good good. that fire. fire-ass spirituality #supersober. =]

Sauget. is a lovely place for 12th&13th step opportunities o_0 strippers need spirituality too ^_^
 
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@captain heroin. u still on the self distilled suboxone strips IV regimen? heh
 
good deal. You doing the 12 step sobriety thing? thats that good shit.

for me at least. to each their own. only thing that works for me.
 
herbavore said:
Have you ever tried Rational Recovery or Smart Recovery groups? Just wondering if those could be a good addition to 12 step for you in terms of support and a slightly different philosophy. Kudos to you for 'pulling yourself up by your bootstraps' twice. As far as the pain goes, I would agree with Disreali: try everything you can before pain meds. Pain management classes often have many people in them that are in recovery. If nothing else it may be another form of support. good luck. I know that constant pain like that is really discouraging.
Click to expand...

i did read one rational recovery book and it doesnt really "supplement" NA in any way..totally different philosophy..they are ANTI-12 step pro..the idea is that you don't have to surrender or invoke a "higher power" in order to recover, its more about logic and reason..the whole book pretty much rips NA up and down. Def not an "ADDITION" to 12 step, sort of the antithesis.
 
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