Alcohol is one of those things, where me personally I drank for the effect, and would always blackout. My day pretty much started off with me going to the local dollar store, and steal a bottle of mouthwash, then I'd go behind the store and drink it. I was doing it because I did not want to be sick, and sick I mean shakes and tremors. Once I got that shit in me, it would lower my pride to the point where I would walk up to strangers to beg for money, and whatever $ I would make I would go and get some cheap ass pack of those cigar cigarettes. I would go to church A or soupkitchen b for lunch, meet up with some tent-city folk and most of the times someone in the circle would have a bottle of mouthwash, and we would go behind buildings, or back into the woods where our tents were at and pass the bottle.
At first it was a social thing, because even on the streets I felt the need that I had to fit in with others. Being homeless and new to an area was extremely difficult at first, until I had that drink. It got to the point where I would blackout every time I drank, and would wake up in strange places, hospital psych wards, and even jail, and the second I would get my bearings straight I would either hit up another store to pocket a bottle of mouthwash or go find my 'buddies' and see if they had any.
It got bad, shakes, DTs, uncontrollable nausea, broke noses, skids and scrapes, and all I could think of was drinking more.
I always was a junkie, but something about alcohol. the $20 I got for the day panhandling I thought I was better than, because it would buy me more booze, while others it might just be enough for 1 bag of whatever.
There towards the end I knew I needed to do something different, probably my best friend in the homeless community ended up getting killed by another drunk just because the other drunk thought that my friend had some gabapentin in his pocket and wasn't sharing.
That, and the fact I could not hold down any water to save my life was the wake-up call I needed. I knew my life was pretty unmanageable at that moment, so I reached out and asked for help.
I needed the detox, I needed the long term treatment program because I had no choice. I did not want to die on the streets, and I knew if I were to keep drinking then I would have been dead.
Now looking back at it yeah I still cant believe it, how something like that 1 drink nearly cost me my life, and today I work in the recovery field helping other addicts and alcoholics get help.
What was different for me this time then all the other times is I did it for myself, and not for my family/friends etc. I knew if I were to put them before my recovery then I'd ultimately end up losing it.
It will get better mate, just try to keep positive and know you are not alone.