need some guidance with my life

[laCster]

im feeling kind of squirely . i have been mostly sober. i am just using kratom sparingly. i have only used heroin 3 times in 4months, its really hard! i have smoked weed a couple times and drank booze with friends. i have used roxicodone/xanax twice in the past month, but i want to stop! i dont want to get back into the same pattern of being strung out, that sucks!! but i think i am caught up in making every day a high day, but i dont want it to be like that! i am done using heroin

even so, when i am sober, i guess i am not content and i think about getting high or smoking some weed. idk what to do. i have a full time job, i work everyday. i come home and exercise, then make diner, and i make little goals through out the day. but idk

maybe it is because i havent called my sponsor in a week or two? i am on the fourth step and i just dont feel like putting in the work. idkkk


should i call my sponsor, and finish through with the steps? should i go to more meetings even though the one by my house i fucking hate? (i dont have a car)

what would you do? i WANT to be MOSTLY sober. is that possible? i feel like my life lost meaning when i stopped working the steps and stop calling my sponsor. i want meaning in my life, that really helps. i am not far from getting completely sober, i definitely will say i have made HUGE improvements, but i feel like i need more. what can i do to improve myself and my life?

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Maye you just don't feel comfortable in your life because a 12-step place wouldn't work for you.

More to the point, get your ass in th exercise thread! What has changed in between you taking drugs, and stopping other than the drug taking? If that answer is nothing then get busy living or get busy sying.

 

[neversickanymore]

He LaCstr.. how many steps did you work through?

 

[herbavore]

I think that you probably have emotional work to do that you keep interrupting each time you use. Confronting negative emotions is scary and hard (because it's never simple) and each time you use you are reinforcing that you don't really have to deal with them--there is always the near memory of escape. What have you tried in the past to get to the emotions that keep you locked in discontent?

 

[laCster]

He LaCstr.. how many steps did you work through?

im on the 4th step. i am not even scared, i am just straight up lazy and dont want to put in the work.

I think that you probably have emotional work to do that you keep interrupting each time you use. Confronting negative emotions is scary and hard (because it's never simple) and each time you use you are reinforcing that you don't really have to deal with them--there is always the near memory of escape. What have you tried in the past to get to the emotions that keep you locked in discontent?

i think you are right. i dont even know what emotional work i have to do either. i have a really hard time discerning between emotions. usually, i come into contact with energy and some anxiety. i also think i might have depression. i get really angry sometimes at work and i dont know how the best way to deal with it. i honestly dont even know what emotions are, really. i dont even know what i am running from? i am relatively happy with my life, i guess. i dont really do much besides just go to work and come home and do nothing, i guess boredom, but it is more than that. but i dont even have problems like i used to have, there is really nothing to run from, but that is exactly what i am doing! why???

what have done in the past to help with emotions? call people, call more people, talk, and call people. usually when i do that it helps alot. but i havent done that at all recently. why? because all the people i called i met in my halfway house which i got kicked out for not doing the dishes, seriously. not even a lie, but it was more like i got kicked out for defiance. and the other person is my sponsor and i felt like he lost faith in me when i got kicked out of my halfway house and when id try to call and talk, he would not really helped me to talk it out like he did in the beginning.

i kept occupied, tried to stay really busy. i have been working out, that helps. i dont even know what i am tryin to run from though

i really want to be succesful in my life and have an amazing life. i am trying to get back into school and that is a very very real possibility if i dont fuck up again. i have the chance to go back as soon as december. i feel like i need more excitement in my life, but that is probably an excuse. i fucking hate it, because i really want to be able to be happy sober, but then i also want to get high. each time i get high, i realize i dont want to get high any more, or as much, and then i end up getting high

 

[herbavore]

I don't think it is off base to want more excitement in your life. You struggled hard to get away from the drugs and get a "normal" life back--job, home etc. But the truth is that most of us do need more. We want engagement on a deeper level with life. I think that is why getting high stays so appealing--it's an automatic transport out of the mundane. So the task is to find other ways that you can transcend the mundane without the high cost to your life that drug use inevitably brings.

I really love this book called Shop Class as Soul Class in which the author talks about the need to have a connection to things we do with our hands. It sounds simplistic but I don't think it is. Finding your passion in life opens so many doors. It alleviates boredom and loneliness, feeds self esteem and paves the way for relationships based on a mutual interest.